It stings sometimes
sometimes I know its a miracle
feeling those stings
surviving
being this sensitive person.

Took me some time to learn
to live with those stings
to roll with the punches
the nastiness I get
from others
real or imagined
but its the real pains that have caused the imaginary ones
the mind tries to heal
yet some scars stay
sometimes there are too many wounds
sometimes I feel like
gotta run away from humanity
if I want to truly heal.
Run to the woods
up in the mountains
someplace where
its clean air
clear water.
Feels like the city
its trying to eat me alive
trying so hard
like my enemies
to keep me
in this weird dimension
between sanity and madness.

Healing
while its all still stabbing at
this soul like thing I have
and sometimes
I know not my friend from my enemy.
Waking up is like
waking up
in the middle of a roaring raceway
with not a clue where to run
watching folks involuntarily
out the corners of my eyes
absorbing so much info
need special glasses like Spiderman
so I can focus.

Never met anyone quite like me
So how human am I I wonder?
(I mean really)
Just exactly what planet did I come from
and how did I get here?

So damn sensitive
feeling everything
wish they'd seen this shit earlier
put me somewhere
with someone who coulda taught me
how to harness the power
that threatens to overwhelm
the senses.
Guess I am that odd miracle
the one who didn't break
although I often look around
to see so many others
whose minds have snapped.

Its a scary thing
to know
Superman
Spiderman
Wonder Woman
and Steve Austin
definitely helped save me from that dark place
so many others fell in
are swimming in.

The gods that float above
or the ones walking around on two legs
they tossed me a parachute made from comic books.

When I looked in your eyes
I could feel
something
think it was hate
was it racial hate
or did I imagine
I felt anything at all
thou out of sorts looking
red haired
tall and skinny
male organism?

I keep forgetting
like a fool
never to look
into the eyes
of the
strangers
I keep forgetting
how much
anger
the rest of the world has
towards
almost anything.
Just like my co-worker.
if I mention
my joy for anything
be it music
films or books
so many of these young kats
they will rip
and tear
it all down

and if I'm not careful
I feel myself
at times
being infected with
their disdain towards
anything.

How can you live
if you lose your wonder about
everything
about life?

I think if you lose that
you hate everything
and everybody
then theres the part of you
it no longer understands
why I can laugh at something
finding joy in something

When did you lose your joy
or was it taken from you(?)
maybe you never had it
so you could never bear to be
too long
in the company
of someone like myself.

Don't hate me for trying to be happy in this world.

INTERNET GODS

Man
those sure are some
hot pics you posted online
as usual.
Of course.
Right?
Yeah.
All of us come to see your
muscular arms
(Those tatts)
your smile
that cropped mane(!)
your lovely
photoshopped skin
pearly whites
that oh so wonderfully sculpted
often barely clad physique of yours
that you work so hard on in the gym.
Yeah.
They worship you
I used to
but I noticed
you don't ever
"like" my photos
you never even
leave a damn comment
when I'm going thru
some trying life event.
So who the hell are you
that I should be
drooling over
your image?
Its not as if I really know you after all.
Right?
You are all false gods.
Not gonna give you anymore of my worshipping
energies.
Save them for
somebody whose gone thru something
somebody who has risen above something
and contributed
to the greater good of us all
not some
MIRROR KISSING FOOL(S)

I don't know you!
You could be so cute outside
and secretly have a bunch of bodies
at home in your fridge
for all I know.
You might eat
kittens,puppies and biddies
with your cereal
in the morning
for all I know.
So excuse me
if I defect from the cult
Need to
find myself a new religion.

And if by chance I can't find anyone worthy
of my admiration
well I guess there is always
Me.

(To "New Techno" station on Pandora)


TRANSFORMING AWAY FROM ME

Damn
never had a problem with dating vanilla
true love is blind

but you
you blow past
any white guys I have ever seen.

perfect body
smile that seems to
rearrange my molecular structure
and the funny thing is
you really don't even know I exist
I mean sure you talk to me
but its that
tolerating
not really wanting to be bothered kind of talking
I sincerely doubt you like chocolate

thats your business

Then I find out
you are transitioning
changing into
some other person
same person actually
but
no more package
no more facial hair
longer hair on top too

I feel like
I'm being slapped in the face
liking a dude
whos changing
I guess changing into
a version of his skin
he's more comfortable being in

but man
GOD made you so damn beautiful
and its terrible inside
you don't see
just how fucking fine you are
(I'm sure you realize your effect on others
just as I'm certain you get that
crush vibe from me
when you're around me)

man I wish I could clone you
before the man is gone
before I can only see him again in photos
or images reconstructed in my minds eye.

I would raise you
accelerating your growth with magic
teach you all those manly things
a manly man is supposed to know
(or maybe just have one of those annoyingly
over masculine guys I know
take you under their wing
so they could influence you
influence you to use the mens restroom
and play some rough sports
so that you would come home
excreting pheremones everywhere.
That came out sounding nastier than intended)

Alas
you're gonna take him away from me
that man who was never mine to begin with
not even in fantasies
I struggle to imagine life with
an unattainable reality
seems so far away
you know what I mean?

Pretty soon
you're gonna be transitioning
out of my life
not looking back
on life
as a man
forgetting the past
learning to think as she
as internally
I will mourn his passing
the him that was you
yet ultimately
never you.

How could anyone remain a he
that never felt any of it was the truth.

Inside
he was always the trapped soul of
she.

When that day finally comes
be brave in your new life
run free
and never look back.

(To State of Jazz on Spotify streaming from my PS4 phat)

Life Betwixt The Dead and The Living

I saw a dead man this morning
when I got off work.
I knew
something weird was gonna happen
because I left work late
because I had to stop
at our other location
just to get my samsung tablet
lucky for my co-worker
since she just happened to need to borrow
one of my chargers for her phone(!)
then I got stopped
by Bob
my friend
who also works in security
just down the street.

As I walked to the station
the cops at chick filet
they checked me out
as I walked by
(yeah I know I look like
"somebody")
Whoever the hell that is
I still do not know
even after
all these years.
Maybe one day someone will tell me?
A white guy gave me a nasty look
when I nodded a simple greeting passing him
A man sweeping the street
in front of Mels
(which usually lights up in cool rainbow colors when I walk by)
gave me a peculiar glance
upon my passing
Then
At the light I got a suspicious glance from an old white lady
she moved to make some distance
I turned around on purpose
so she could see my security jacket
because sometimes that makes people
feel more at ease
because
well you know
I guess I look like
somebody threatening
whoever he is.

On my way down
the escalator
a black lady
basically sped up so I couldn't pass her
then she stopped
after the turnstile
to make sure I could get in front of her
(sometimes people are so confusing)

I get  on the train
took my vita out my back pocket
so I wouldn't sit on it
I'm reading Thor
on my tablet
a pretty black lady sits down across from me
her perfume smelled nice
I could feel her eyes on me much of the time
and I guess maybe its because
she doesn't see many brothas
on the train
reading comic books on their tablets?

I get up
put my vita back in my pocket
And
I get off the train
deftly putting on my back pack
then I took the escalator
since the elevator was packed.

A cute
bald headed
brotha passed me
He said excuse me
which kinda pleasantly surprised me
because
people rarely say
"excuse me"
anymore.

When I get to the second level
where that escalator ends
decided to walk up the damn stairs next
instead of getting on the crowded escalator.
I see as I look up
police standing around
and theres something there
I actually stumbled a bit
not because of what  I saw
I just wasn't really paying attention
where the stairs were
but as I got closer
there was a white man lying there
mid-30's
mouth sorta open
yet not really
while the police looked on
and his eyes were closed
he wasn't breathing
and mostly
folks were just
walking by.
One cop noticed my semi stumble
His eyes fixed on me
I supposed he thought maybe
is this guy gonna pass out or something?
No this guy has seen bodies before
and he doesn't scare easy.
Although its probably safe to say he does have
bad nerves.

As I walked on
I noticed another
cute black guy on the escalator
he was almost as dark as they come.
Tall
Maybe a bit older than me
but still kinda cute
I guess.

I exited the station
thinking
how surreal it was
what I'd just witnessed.
One man was dead
folks were walking by
as if it were nothing
and for a moment
thoughts of
if that were me
(that type of thing)
went thru my head.
People just walk by
they don't really care
its just
another day in the life.
One black lady seemed
somewhat weirded out though
she seemed to be covering her mouth
while her and a white lady
possibly a co-worker of heres
walked by the guy on the ground.

I passed by a brotha
nodded a greeting
he ignored me.
Everytime it happens
I swear I'm never gonna say hello
to anyone unless they speak to me first.
It does still boggle the mind
how mean folks can be
and the fact many people
they just don't have any manners.
Yeah it does make me worry
especially when its youngins
because one day
they gonna be runnin this shit.

I walked to the corner
a fire truck roared past
almost had to cover my ears.
Where was the ambulance?
Guess they were it
figured the guy on the concrete covered ground
well
he had a chance if they could revive him
If.

Walked on
got to the little security shack I pass on
westmoreland
the guard wasn't there
noticed him crossing the street
he got into a converstaion
with a black lady walking ahead of me
it was about the guy on the ground
as I walked by I told them
he's gone
described the guy after the guard asked who was it
then I said
unless they can revive him.

Walked on more
A black girl
wearing headphones
passed me
gave me a sort of
snaughty eye roll gesture of ignoring me
when I said hello
kept on going
like I didn't exist
I said "typical"
loud enough she probably heard me
then when passing an asian guy
sweeping the street near the temple
I said nothing
because before when I've greeted them
they simply don't respond
and I don't wanna waste energy on
the negative.

Crossed the street on vermont
and a really cute looking brotha
he said hello
making a nice gesture as I reponded
and when I got to my street
feet from my building
a cool loking
kinda cute brotha
smiled and said hello to me
with the jubilation you'd expect
if i was the first person he'd seen in
a hundred years.
For some reason I am glad
the last memory I have of
contact with a human being
was a good one
before I drift off to sleep
after eating some
banana split flavored icecream.

*
This Trinidadian man
he said
he was my husband
and his eyes
made me feel
nasty in ways
no one else has
in a good while.
Trinidad could be
pushing Africa out of the picture.
Could be.
(And its funny
my mother married a Trinidad man)
He asked me
if he could see
because
he showed me something
shocking
even as it was pleasing.

Really think dude likes me

Me?
He's sexy
but
guess he always seemed
so independent
so beyond
me
because he seemed
almost as if
he cared not
whether he was single or whatever

Yet
perhaps I misread him?

Told me
he din't love those hos
so many hos
and he wasn't even interested.
Sometimes I think
hos have become the norm
and those of us still believing beyong ho-ism
well we're dinosaurs.

He asked if I'd move with him
in his house
said he wanted a family.
He keeps saying
all the right things.
Told him
about
some of these insecurities
he said just stop it
put me on the spot.
It truly has been
so long since someone
agressively courted me
its something I don't even know
how to respond to
cuz it feels unreal.
You know?

It makes such a big difference
to know
to hear
that someone
somewhere
wants you.
Is willing to take
a risk on you.

So used to
being overlooked
passed over
I don't even know what its like really
to feel "sexy"
I don't.
I know I'm not ugly
even though I've certainly heard that one.
Its something to get
that affirmation from others
that
you are actually nice to look at
and maybe your company
it isn't so bad.

To hear someone
express
genuine interest
genuine acceptance
its some of the best medicine for a sick man.

Old friend
I often think about you
the lying ass that you were
I still forgive you
because
you kept me laughing
and you were there
during some of those
dark days
but I never understood
your need to lie
about everything
these friends of yours
celebrity connections
you never even showed me photos
but you claimed to have hobnobbed
with hollywood royalty
still I can forgive you
for blowing smoke up my ass
all those years
even when I let you move in with me
just don't understand why
you felt this need
to play pretend with me
I'm not like all these other motherfuckers
I don't need you to be famous to be my friend
don't need you to
play pretend at being
someone you're not
because you were always
good enough to be my friend
even when your ass couldn't fit thru
the damn door
and you didn't have a penny to your name
because thats just how I roll
*

Brothers
why ya'll be killin each other?
Why ya'll be tryin to kill me?
Can't turn on the news
or read the damn paper
without seein
some brother
done killed another
mass genocide
uncontrollable rage
towards each other
could be some sorta misdirected shit
but I ain't done shit to you
so why you hate me?
Walkin down the street
nobody dares make eye contact
I feel like I'm cut off
and then when I do look in your eyes
its like
the rage of a wild animal that wishes it could
consume me
but these days I feel like
wild animals are more brothers to me
than these people who are said to be my brothers
who in truth
want me dead
and they've banished me from the kingdom
when they coulda took me in and raised me
like those wild wolves and lions are doing now
Was lost in the wild wilderness and the animals saved me.
I just do not understand
why our villages
burned to the ground
and all the elders or avatars
who coulda fixed everything
they just fled
(hell I'm trying to leave)
and even if I do leave
and I make those millions
I won't forget to put some of that moolah
right back in the community.
I know there are others like me
they wanna escape
this crazy way our life has become
and only a wild animal like
what I've mutated into
can leave that bread crumb trail for them
to survive that wilderness trek to
Shangrila(?)

I hope that you survive and prosper brother
sister.
Just don't turn into a wild animal like me.
Seems the wild animal
that invisible hero
who comes down
from  the mountains
to fight with the monsters
you never see
well....it usually doesn't get the happy ending.

I had to lose some of myself to survive the storm.

I wanted to forget you
but its a struggle
had to do this before
deleting photos
trying to erase somebody from my mind
wanted to get them out of my head
I guess I succeeded for awhile
so much pain
for some
nigga that don't even think about me
broke my heart
like it was
yesterdays news.
Just like you did
I don't know
was I wrong to fall?
Probably was wrong
of me
to tell you.
Guess I'm stupid that way.
Funny you said
when we met
I was closed off
like I'd given up.
Whats to be expected
when I keep meeting
people like you
a constant reminder
of what I may have moved past.
Sometimes it hurts so bad
that the pain feels
numb.
Its become
a pain that I'm used to
I guess
Just so much like that damn song
by Depeche Mode.
To think I thought I could love you
to think you could have been
at least my onscreen boyfriend right?
But you stood me up on audition day
I want so badly to delete your photo on instagram
from my ipad
I stared at your photo
started feeling
sick in my stomach
I don't know if its some psychic shit going on
don't know if you're in pain or
even alive.
Keep feeling
wondering if one day
we'll meet again
and we'll be friends
and I'll look back feeling
regret
because I deleted those photos.
I have to get over you
have to get you out of my system
this shit I'm feeling
thought I'd be coasting downhill by now
but it still feels like its an uphill battle.
They say getting someone to love you is not supposed to be
an uphill battle
so why the hell is getting over
someone who never was meant for you
such an uphill battle?
I'm trying to get over you man
Not there yet
probably whats keeping me from
deleting those fucking pictures.
One day I'll get there
oneday
I will have the strength
to forget about you
(Maybe if the gods are kind I will meet someone to make me forget your dumb ass even if you were /are well within your rights not to care about me there coulda been a diamond here?)
Until that day comes
when you have fled from my mental facilities
I am staying the hell away from
Coffee bean and tea leaf.

Right now I just couldn't deal with
that physical painful reminder of
your rejection.

I wouldn't even know what to say if we ran into each other
would probably fall to my knees like Superman facing a kryptonite cyborg
Well in my mind
thats exactly what I'd be doing
falling
screaming
camera zooming in on me
like Ola Ray when she saw Michael was a zombie

I am so damn dramatic.

UNDERCOVER HIP HOP HEAD

Is that what I am?
I love the old skool
RunDMC
Rakim
Gangstar
LL
KRS1
UTFO
MC Lyte
Mary J Blige
Heavy D
Whodini
Grandmaster Flash
Public Enemy
Folks like Wutang
Tupac
Biggie
Roxxane Shante!
Was Teena Marie the first female rapper
or was it Blondie?
I still don't know the answer to that question?
But I can remember where I was and what I was doing
when I hear most of that old stuff
much of this new stuff doesn't compare to
There are some who recapture the magic
like Missy
Timbaland
Digable
Fugees
Busta
Music from
Tall Black Guy
Foreign Exchange
9th Wonder
City Nights
Maylee Todd
and Jabig with so many other noteable deejays
(Thank GOD for Youtube!)
Spotify
and Pandora
or I wouldn't even know about
so much of the good music out here
that the radio stations won't play.
I grew up on hip hop
will never forget
that music of
a simpler time
that got me through
some difficult times
and when I hear it now
all I can think of is sunny days
long bus rides
icecream cones
banana or apple nowandlaters
APPLE KOOLAID
Tang or
Grandmas tea and bread pudding!
Mommas banana pudding
Sega Genesis
Bionic Woman reruns
old Bugs Bunny
Tom and Jerry cartoons
along with the first time I saw Fantasia
(and it was on a big screen!)
Cartoons with kung fu movies on Saturdays
Godzilla or Planet of the Apes marathons on Thanksgiving
Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown
Claymation style Frosty the Snowman/Rudolph Christmas specials
and all the while
hip hop was there mixed in
in the background
providing soundtracks to my life
accompanying all those R&B classics
Chaka Khan
Stevie Wonder
James Brown
and the Thrillers
David Bowies
and Tears for fears
then it all came back around full circle
NWA and them
Phyllis didn't wanna change the world but she did it anyway God rest her soul
Ojays and Queen Latifah teamed up for New Jack
Heavy D was just coolin with Levert
Guru brought it with N'Dea
and so many more in
Jazzmatazz
Robert Glasper brought it with Yasiin Bey
on Black Radio
Who can forget these girls
Janelle Monae
Jill Scott
Miss Baduizm
They seemed to come out of nowhere
to take the world by storm
as they spread their wisdom musically?
All this and more
is why I will never forget hip hip
even as it evolves
as long as they keep making the soul
people (like me) will come
(even if I am
the undercover hip hop head)

Been moving forward
making progress
gradually
seems to be happening
so damn slowly
yet I can see myself inching
ever closer to that goal
the goal that seems so
elusive at times
I'm getting close
as I fall away from what is considered a normal life
I'm falling away from
dreams
dreams that feel like phantom images
in my head
so far away.
Its something that I used to
really believe
really believe I could be
happy with some other guy
but they all rejected me
even as the women seem to notice me so much more these days
Its so ironic
but I've never really explored that part of me
some sort of curiosity
even though
thoughts of being with a woman
make me feel
somewhat
nauseated
(Is that even a word?)

In all honesty
I struggle sometimes
to make peace with this
realization I might just be too crazy
to be with anyone.
That fantasy is fading
replaced by fantasies of me with my
support animal
by my side
exploring this big world with me
keeping me grounded
(keeping me human?)
Helping me stay focused enough
to build this empire.
Not really sad about this
in truth
been done with mourning for quite some time.
But have I ever really cried for
the death of the Sergio who once believed
he was gonna fucking fall in love with some guy?
Its a sobering possibility that
the concept of a long lasting
one on one relationship
has all but been abandoned by the gay community.
That is my observation.
We can finally get married
but who really wants to anymore right?

I look around
and I feel as if
I am incomplete
don't measure up
and because I've not achieved what I want out of life
theres nothing I have to offer
So my life is in flux
and I know I gotta work on gettin in better shape
not just so I can run around in tights
(in my films)
and not look like a damn fool.
(Okay maybe that is largely why)
And like I said I ain't sad
just able to be brutally honest with myself
so I can help myself
(What you expect me to wait around
for somebody else to do it?)
George Michael said it himself in Flawless
"There ain't no miracles"
He also said you gotta go to the city.
What city is mine?
It ain't Los Angeles Cali.
I think it could be somewhere in Michigan.
This place hasn't ever really felt like home to me
and like the dog with wolf in him
I'm feeling the call of the wild

I've got to get out of here.

(To Miseducation of Lauryn Hill)

HECTIC

Its been so
hectic around here lately
some people say
the world is about to come to an end
I'm not depressed about things
but I can't say it hasn't affected me
yeah I shed some tears
I try to donate when I can
Its hard to not feel
even when it feels like
its coming from all over
makes you see your life isn't so bad.
Texas, North Carolina, Florida ,Puerto Rico and Georgia hit by hurricane forces
Earthquakes in Mexico
Wildfires here in Cali
Mass shootings in Vegas
Terrorists constantly on the creep
threats of nuclear devastation
plus so many homeless people in the stations/on the trains/on the streets
in their tents
mentally deranged people all over
and it seems everybody else is walking around with an attitude
ready to
run you over
ready to
fight
whoever looks at them wrong.
My icons are being torn down
unspeakable scandals
and this Prez simply baffles me
Man....
I just walk around in my own world
I walk the back streets at night
lost in my own feelings of
insecurity
battling these damn demons
I walk the back streets at night
because I don't want anybody to see me
these wrinkled clothes that
I didn't bother to iron
wishing my body was in better shape
fighting off this depression shit
dealing with this HYPER REALITY shit
I bury myself in my (art) work
sometimes
going so deep
in my own world
or worlds others created in
videogames,comics,music and those moving pictures I love so much
You see I need it
like some kinda drug
(these survival mechanisms)
to help me bounce back enough
to face life
you know?
That way maybe
just maybe
I will finally get around to cleaning up
my junky ass apartment.

Its not enough
fighting for your own dreams
in this world.
You gotta fight
(often with a smile?)
to survive
period
in this world
No matter how hectic
things get around here.