Been moving forward
making progress
gradually
seems to be happening
so damn slowly
yet I can see myself inching
ever closer to that goal
the goal that seems so
elusive at times
I'm getting close
as I fall away from what is considered a normal life
I'm falling away from
dreams
dreams that feel like phantom images
in my head
so far away.
Its something that I used to
really believe
really believe I could be
happy with some other guy
but they all rejected me
even as the women seem to notice me so much more these days
Its so ironic
but I've never really explored that part of me
some sort of curiosity
even though
thoughts of being with a woman
make me feel
somewhat
nauseated
(Is that even a word?)

In all honesty
I struggle sometimes
to make peace with this
realization I might just be too crazy
to be with anyone.
That fantasy is fading
replaced by fantasies of me with my
support animal
by my side
exploring this big world with me
keeping me grounded
(keeping me human?)
Helping me stay focused enough
to build this empire.
Not really sad about this
in truth
been done with mourning for quite some time.
But have I ever really cried for
the death of the Sergio who once believed
he was gonna fucking fall in love with some guy?
Its a sobering possibility that
the concept of a long lasting
one on one relationship
has all but been abandoned by the gay community.
That is my observation.
We can finally get married
but who really wants to anymore right?

I look around
and I feel as if
I am incomplete
don't measure up
and because I've not achieved what I want out of life
theres nothing I have to offer
So my life is in flux
and I know I gotta work on gettin in better shape
not just so I can run around in tights
(in my films)
and not look like a damn fool.
(Okay maybe that is largely why)
And like I said I ain't sad
just able to be brutally honest with myself
so I can help myself
(What you expect me to wait around
for somebody else to do it?)
George Michael said it himself in Flawless
"There ain't no miracles"
He also said you gotta go to the city.
What city is mine?
It ain't Los Angeles Cali.
I think it could be somewhere in Michigan.
This place hasn't ever really felt like home to me
and like the dog with wolf in him
I'm feeling the call of the wild

I've got to get out of here.