About a week ago I was in Ralphs and about to check out. All my groceries were on the conveyer/counter thing and I was waiting for this other person to finish checking out. I seem to recall they were taking a very long time. But I wasn't tripping at all until this little middle eastern girl who was RIGHT behind me just sort of leaned over and coughed....right on my groceries. I was like "You need to cover your mouth when you cough" The father seemed kinda oblivious but he got where I was coming from. The cashier agreed with me that there are alot of folks running around coughing and sneezing without bothering to cover their mouths and it also seems to be a cultural thing.
Donald Trump is in the news alot these days. I guess the truth is he is always in the news. The democratic party seems intent on impeaching him. I don't think its gonna work. See what happened was there was a phone call where Donald Tramp er Trump asked another politician from Ukraine to give him some dirt on a political rival. So now everyone is all running around trying to decide if Trump broke any rules by doing what he did. From where I stand Donald Trump has done and said alot of things that would have seen Obama driven out of office but I won't go there. From where I stand it appears Trump can say and do whatever he wants whether its right or wrong the Republican party will support or defend him or simply say nothing. Just pretend it never happened. Just to be clear I have republican friends who think Trump is a clown. I just wonder if he is a lesser evil. Its not as if the democratic party has clean hands either. None of these people are perfect but I find it hard to believe any of them really have my best interests in mind. I mean do any of them really care about me or my respective communities or do they just want our votes? Yeah you might say I have lost faith in politics among other things. Stop trying to manipulate me and just bring about some positive change why don't you?
Started the anxiety program at Kaiser Monday. Until I'm done i will be off work. The program is three weeks. I had to jump thru some hoops to get the time off approved. As stressful as that was at least HR at my job was awesome and really helped me survive the process. The program is structured like a class and you have a bunch of folks mostly stressed out over their jobs. The facilitators give us solutions for stressful situations or difficult people. We learn techniques and exercises to cope. Breathing exercises and stretches....visualization stuff. It helps to know there are other folks dealing with this shit. I mean you go to work and deal with stuff but then stuff builds up and some of us are just built differently and can't process shit like the majority or we simply reach that threshold where we need help to keep us from completely losing it. I guess like Madonna says "Its a set up until you're fed up" I wake up heart racing....headaches come frequently and then there are triggers that send me to places. I rarely leave the house and have drastically stopped cleaning up. Not writing as much. Sometimes I feel numb and things I used to do to help don't help as much and I keep fantisizing about wanting to go back in time to fix all the things I have fucked up in my life. There are times it feels kinda hopeless and that no one will ever love or understand me. My mind goes into dark places and its a struggle to climb out at times. Haven't called home in awhile and that approaching filming date just seems so fucking far away because the script never seems quite right. I look at my body and it feels off. It should be stronger,better and eventually I'll start exercising yet when is that day gonna come? I could get Sir Nathan to help me but theres a worry its gonna get expensive. Someone from the Daughters scenario has been contacting me about working with them on a project but its like salt on a wound. You want my help with writing when you threw out all my story elements from another project? It just doesn't make sense. Why wouldn't you just work with another writer? I still have not forgiven you on some levels and need space.
Google came out with a new videogame system the other day. Its really just an application technically because there is no console. All you have is a controller and a chromecast device. The games are streamed from Google servers onto whatever device you wanna use. Tablet, smart tv or even your phone. Trouble is most folks do not have internet strong enough to handle these streams. Also you can't download any games. They should allow some wiggle room on that because it really means if you lose internet access there goes the access to your games. I tried Sony's streaming service awhile back and Xcloud sounds intriguing but the thought of no downloading options or even taking away physical media altogether makes me uneasy. Companies would have too much control over your stuff.
Tyler Perry is making moves again. He is the owner of the largest black film production company in the world. He bought up a military base years ago and converted it into a humoungous studio. I wouldn't mind the opportunity to work with Tyler one day. I mean....I do like the Madea films. Also its great having someone doing some positive things in the community. Plus he gave one of the Duke boys a job and he always has the sexiest brothers in his stuff. I guess I am just waiting on Tyler Perry to get involved in horror/fantasy and sci-fi material. Those are my genres. (Yes I am aware he was in Star Trek)
I dunno. For the longest I have been thinking about perhaps doing some sort of nerd oriented talk show or program featuring pop culture related topics geared more towards others who might be able to relate to my life. Just seems there is a demographic out there being ignored by the major players and for the right person with the right idea it could help alot of people plus it would be a goldmine of opportunities you know? Could provide outlets or jobs. Could launch a franchise or sorts but the big quetsion eating at me is where to start and who or what should be the face of this operation? You have to start somewhere and then build. Could be that the answer lies in these new short stories I have been working on and the relaunch of my SOL universe.
Wednesday, November 20, 2019
Sunday, November 17, 2019
(Written at home to Game of Thrones S6 soundtrack via Spotify)
I got up this morning and started my daily routine. Well usually I am getting up at around 4pm not 5amish but whatever. Brushed the teeth,showered and got dressed. All with this weird smell of smoke coming in after I cracked open my door like I do most of the time. I guess there are still some fires going on. So much of the time I have to be careful about leaving my door open because these sneaky people smoke cigarettes later at night when they know the manager won't be around or they cook and smoke which masks the smell of cigarette smoke except I can still smell the chemicals. Had to start closing my door when I go to sleep because of inhaling second hand smoke. But at least the stupid car alarm wasn't going off this morning like it was yesterday. That damn thing went off for over an hour just non-stop. I guess the time was around 9 or 10amish. So I was really feeling this strong desire to write today. Been feeling this for a good while lately but I've been basically stopped up. So things kinda built up inside me. Reading comics, playing videogames, Netflix, Hulu (There goes that car alarm!) these things help me as they always have but lately (Now there goes my phone alarm!) I'm been feeling pretty numb inside. Thankfully my treatment program to deal with anxiety starts tomorrow. Its a 3 week program that kaiser has to help folks deal with the stress of anxiety. Much of it seems to revolve around work. (Will be on work leave till it ends) My mental state has been in a strange place since much of last year and it has much to do with things that started last year I think. Losing Daughters of Legend. Seeing a project I worked on and spent my time and money to create basically snatched away and then all the drama going on with bickering and threats of lawsuits. Friends becoming enemies. Then getting my stuff stolen in Detroit on what was supposed to be a birthday trip to help me recover. Constant migraine headaches and this inner battle to stay creative while all these things were going on. Not feeling happy at work and still dealing with weirdness at home due to issues with neighbors. Having to come to terms with The Dangerous African being so far away took a toll. Then there came this sobering feeling that love and romance might be gone from my life. So many things and the mind can begin to unravel. People don't really understand. Some think you're lying or making stuff up for whatever reason. But let me tell you it is a deep dark place when you start wondering if you can't trust your own mind because its been ripped in so many places. I kid you not when I say I have probably suffered at least six nervous breakdowns. Things I dealt with and have done my damndest to bounce back from. They do say some of your greatest victories will be private personal ones so there it is.
Sometimes I can feel myself slipping and it scares me. Waking up with a rapid heartbeat. Feeling numb inside. Wishing I could push a reset button on my life or just run away from everything because so much of it feels like....like I have failed in some ways and people will never accept me. Feeling like cars are going by and eyes are on me. Watching or waiting for me to make a mistake or fall so folks can say "Yep I was right about him" so they can feel good about themselves. Then there are times I feel I have let down so many people by not being perfect. Not having the right body type. Not being confident enough. It feels people look at me and see somethings wrong even though in reeality I understand I have done nothing and its not my problem what people think they know about me. It shouldn't be my problem but people will sometimes go out of their way to remind you that you have definitely fucked up in some areas of your life. I was at McDonalds yesterday and this hispanic lady who could barely speak or understand english got my order mixed up. There was a long line behind me and this Korean guy just gave me this look like I was just nothing. As if I needed a reminder so many of them hate black people. Yes I said it. Now I have Korean people in my life I love dearly who have looked out for me when it felt the rest of the world walked out but I have lived in Koreatown for many years so I'm not gonna sit here and pretend some Koreans and other races have a definite problem with black folks. The thing is to not let it spill out into your life where it affects how you treat others just because of the actions of a few.
Creatively speaking I have been keeping myself busy. Been brainstorming. Had some auditions and met some promising talent. Started on some literature. Getting ready to get back into filming next month. Been posting regularly on Instagram (Which is said to be getting rid of "likes" soon. Thats gonna be so strange. Are they trying to limit the interactivity of the platform?) Actually writing and animation are some things I'd like to focus much more on. These things are simply easier (and CHEAPER) to pull off. I've so many ideas and even though I get stuck sometimes its nice to know there are people out there who can help. People like Carrie Fisher did pretty good with ghostwriting and I think these people are often unsung heroes for many writers. Its not always cheap but at least you can get your manuscript done. The teddy bear novel has stalled because I got stuck. Gotta work on completing that and maybe consider having some reading sessions with a group setting to garner feedback. Honestly I'd love to get my brother involved in this stuff but I don't really have a gameplan for how I'm gonna do that. If we could be a writng team that would be awesome!
Theres so much that I want to do to make 2020 a truly amazing year full of accomplishments. Wanna go home to see my father. Wanna get in better shape. Wanna get some dental work. Wanna see about maybe getting glasses. Wanna work on the back pains I have at times. Wanna get my apartment back in tip top shape. (It really needs to be cleaned since I spiraled into some sort of depression) Gotta figure out what to do with all the excess clothing and other items in here. Wanna pimp my gaming computer so its a super gaming computer. Looking froward to the next generation of gaming consoles by the way. It looks like I am gonna be leaning towards the Xbox side of things from now on. Even though Stadia did initially interest me. Hey I just like having the option to download or buy physical media. Something Google doesn't offer. Nintendo and Sone have cool stuff but Microsoft has an easier interface and they seem to be in the business of listening to the consumer. Of course they have slipped in some regard over the years but they did a complete turnaround these past few years. I'd love to see them become super cool like they were with the Xbox 360. 2020 might see a new President (Let us pray) but it might see these roots of mine pulled out and planted somewhere else too. Detroit is still on my radar despite "the incident". Theres really nothing holding me to California. I can have a successful creative career anywhere. Its looking more and more like 9-5 jobs are not for me. Not anymore. The writings been on the wall for awhile. Hopefully this Kaiser program can help me figure out what to do and get my life back on track. Can't keep doing something that doesn't make me happy and just going thru the motions hoping things will get better. My spirit can't pretend.
I got up this morning and started my daily routine. Well usually I am getting up at around 4pm not 5amish but whatever. Brushed the teeth,showered and got dressed. All with this weird smell of smoke coming in after I cracked open my door like I do most of the time. I guess there are still some fires going on. So much of the time I have to be careful about leaving my door open because these sneaky people smoke cigarettes later at night when they know the manager won't be around or they cook and smoke which masks the smell of cigarette smoke except I can still smell the chemicals. Had to start closing my door when I go to sleep because of inhaling second hand smoke. But at least the stupid car alarm wasn't going off this morning like it was yesterday. That damn thing went off for over an hour just non-stop. I guess the time was around 9 or 10amish. So I was really feeling this strong desire to write today. Been feeling this for a good while lately but I've been basically stopped up. So things kinda built up inside me. Reading comics, playing videogames, Netflix, Hulu (There goes that car alarm!) these things help me as they always have but lately (Now there goes my phone alarm!) I'm been feeling pretty numb inside. Thankfully my treatment program to deal with anxiety starts tomorrow. Its a 3 week program that kaiser has to help folks deal with the stress of anxiety. Much of it seems to revolve around work. (Will be on work leave till it ends) My mental state has been in a strange place since much of last year and it has much to do with things that started last year I think. Losing Daughters of Legend. Seeing a project I worked on and spent my time and money to create basically snatched away and then all the drama going on with bickering and threats of lawsuits. Friends becoming enemies. Then getting my stuff stolen in Detroit on what was supposed to be a birthday trip to help me recover. Constant migraine headaches and this inner battle to stay creative while all these things were going on. Not feeling happy at work and still dealing with weirdness at home due to issues with neighbors. Having to come to terms with The Dangerous African being so far away took a toll. Then there came this sobering feeling that love and romance might be gone from my life. So many things and the mind can begin to unravel. People don't really understand. Some think you're lying or making stuff up for whatever reason. But let me tell you it is a deep dark place when you start wondering if you can't trust your own mind because its been ripped in so many places. I kid you not when I say I have probably suffered at least six nervous breakdowns. Things I dealt with and have done my damndest to bounce back from. They do say some of your greatest victories will be private personal ones so there it is.
Sometimes I can feel myself slipping and it scares me. Waking up with a rapid heartbeat. Feeling numb inside. Wishing I could push a reset button on my life or just run away from everything because so much of it feels like....like I have failed in some ways and people will never accept me. Feeling like cars are going by and eyes are on me. Watching or waiting for me to make a mistake or fall so folks can say "Yep I was right about him" so they can feel good about themselves. Then there are times I feel I have let down so many people by not being perfect. Not having the right body type. Not being confident enough. It feels people look at me and see somethings wrong even though in reeality I understand I have done nothing and its not my problem what people think they know about me. It shouldn't be my problem but people will sometimes go out of their way to remind you that you have definitely fucked up in some areas of your life. I was at McDonalds yesterday and this hispanic lady who could barely speak or understand english got my order mixed up. There was a long line behind me and this Korean guy just gave me this look like I was just nothing. As if I needed a reminder so many of them hate black people. Yes I said it. Now I have Korean people in my life I love dearly who have looked out for me when it felt the rest of the world walked out but I have lived in Koreatown for many years so I'm not gonna sit here and pretend some Koreans and other races have a definite problem with black folks. The thing is to not let it spill out into your life where it affects how you treat others just because of the actions of a few.
Creatively speaking I have been keeping myself busy. Been brainstorming. Had some auditions and met some promising talent. Started on some literature. Getting ready to get back into filming next month. Been posting regularly on Instagram (Which is said to be getting rid of "likes" soon. Thats gonna be so strange. Are they trying to limit the interactivity of the platform?) Actually writing and animation are some things I'd like to focus much more on. These things are simply easier (and CHEAPER) to pull off. I've so many ideas and even though I get stuck sometimes its nice to know there are people out there who can help. People like Carrie Fisher did pretty good with ghostwriting and I think these people are often unsung heroes for many writers. Its not always cheap but at least you can get your manuscript done. The teddy bear novel has stalled because I got stuck. Gotta work on completing that and maybe consider having some reading sessions with a group setting to garner feedback. Honestly I'd love to get my brother involved in this stuff but I don't really have a gameplan for how I'm gonna do that. If we could be a writng team that would be awesome!
Theres so much that I want to do to make 2020 a truly amazing year full of accomplishments. Wanna go home to see my father. Wanna get in better shape. Wanna get some dental work. Wanna see about maybe getting glasses. Wanna work on the back pains I have at times. Wanna get my apartment back in tip top shape. (It really needs to be cleaned since I spiraled into some sort of depression) Gotta figure out what to do with all the excess clothing and other items in here. Wanna pimp my gaming computer so its a super gaming computer. Looking froward to the next generation of gaming consoles by the way. It looks like I am gonna be leaning towards the Xbox side of things from now on. Even though Stadia did initially interest me. Hey I just like having the option to download or buy physical media. Something Google doesn't offer. Nintendo and Sone have cool stuff but Microsoft has an easier interface and they seem to be in the business of listening to the consumer. Of course they have slipped in some regard over the years but they did a complete turnaround these past few years. I'd love to see them become super cool like they were with the Xbox 360. 2020 might see a new President (Let us pray) but it might see these roots of mine pulled out and planted somewhere else too. Detroit is still on my radar despite "the incident". Theres really nothing holding me to California. I can have a successful creative career anywhere. Its looking more and more like 9-5 jobs are not for me. Not anymore. The writings been on the wall for awhile. Hopefully this Kaiser program can help me figure out what to do and get my life back on track. Can't keep doing something that doesn't make me happy and just going thru the motions hoping things will get better. My spirit can't pretend.
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