(At work listening to Accoustic Soul playlist on spotify)

11:25pm

"Whenever the warrior goes into battle he or she realizes it could be the last and they will never underestimate the enemy. They will show no weakness and learn from any mistakes....quickly"


I woke up today with alot on my mind as usual. Brushed the teeth. Showered. Ate a couple of chicken hot dogs with ketchup and mustard on em after microwaving them. Of course I didn't make the mistake of microwaving the bread again like I did yesterday. That makes the bread hard and definitely not enjoyable to eat. Watched Deadpool via amazon streaming thru my Xbox 360 slim. Thats the newer one I got that works alot better than the older one I only keep because it still allows me to access my downloaded characters (Shuma and Jill) for Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom. I usully play that game at least every other night with this guy I've known for years named Chris who beats me most of the time because he always picks cheap overpowered characters that are almost impossible to beat. My favorite charaqcters are Shuma,Ryu,Hulk and Ghostrider. I also like Storm and the little red winged demon guy from ghosts and ghouls. Rocket Raccoon and the ghost chick with the long claws (from Darkstalkers) get honorable mention. So after watching most of Deadpool I decided to fire up the Crunchyroll app on the 360 to watch the rest of an episode of Naruto I'd started earlier. Naruto is the first and only cartoon to actually make me cry on a number of occasions. Naruto is basically the story of an obnoxious little ninja guy who has alot of power and potential. Naruto came from nothing and because he was different he never really fit in anywhere. He was always the outcast no one wanted anything to do with. I have alot in common with Naruto. Like him I always knew I what I wanted and for the most part always believed in myself even if most others never really looked beneath the surface. Under that sometimes insecure and outrageous coating there lies a powerful,emotional,loyal and resourceful individual with much to offer. So much untapped potential too. I don't remember alot about my childhood but if I focus I can recall some of it. I was a pretty out there kid. Now that I think of it I was quite talented/gifted yet for the most part no one around me had the training or time to really help me. I can only imagine what my life would have been like if there'd been someone there to help guide me. Instead I had to learn the hard way how to live being an overly emotional,somewhat hyper artistically inclined genuis. But I didn't become a super villain because I had some people who believed in me and most of all I had my window into the world of the unbelievable to help instill in me a purpose of helping others and believing in the good in this world. That window was my "voice of GOD" That window was....comic books. So I lived in this world you live in but was never completely living in this world you live in. So a part of me (I think) missed out on learning some things. Its my explanation for some erratic behavior or maybe its just common sense not to get too comfortable around other people because I have seen what they can do. Maybe. Getting back to Naruto.... This cartoon like many others has given me a chance to escape this crazy life. Much of the time it has given me some truly laugh out loud moments. Especially those moments when Naruto manages to get involved in some zany antics with some of the other characters. Although the cartoon; like later entries to the Harry Potter films/books, has gotten increasingly dark and ULTRA serious. Sometimes I really worry for the characters. Still its nowhere as bad as Game of Thrones where if you do root for any one character you can best believe they are most certainly living on borrowed time. The characters on Walking Dead aren't safe either as we recently found out (ahem). It was almost time for me to go to work during my little Naruto marathon but I still found the time to call Robert. Robert is gonna be directing my two upcoming film shoots. He's also the DP for my first indie film "Return of the stolen wings" I'd asked Robert to go get some comics for me because it was free comic book day. He sent me an email of the books he got for me. At first I thought the email was gonna be saying he hadn't been able to get any for me but that wasn't the case. He was gonna go take his girlfriend to work then pick up some books on the way but she ended up not going to work or something. Anyway he was able to get about ten books for me and he sent a pic of what he picked up. Gonna have some good reading material for next week. Gonna miss the weekly 99 cent Injustice comic downloads on my kindle when the series ends with season 5.

I'd asked one of my co-workers in the morning if he was gonna go get any comics and he said no. I asked him if he had any friends he could ask to get some books and he said nope. Then I was like "You mean to tell me out of everybody you know in this big old city theres absolutely NO one you can call upon to ask to grab some free books for you for free comic book day?" To which he replied. No. I guess thats when it really hit me that things are not the way they used to be. Or is it just how it is here in Cali? A bunch of people you have in your life who ain't about nothing,ain't tryin to go nowhere or do nothin for noboy but themselves. We got into a conversation about how crazy and racist society can be and how he thinks there should be some reparations for black folks since the Native Americans got some assistance. My argument was these people were almost wiped out! And while we're talking about pressing issues I still have no idea who I'm voting for as the next President. Hillary seems sometimey and Trump is nuts. The Crazy African says Trump is Hitler. Never in history has one presidential candidate gotten so much hate where his press events are met with straight up violence. His campaign has been a circus. Come to think of it this whole thing has been a circus. Hillary has been in the news for her emails that were said to contain sensitive information. She's also said to have recieved ALOT of money for her campaign. I have heard some bad things about Bernie Sanders but I did some research on him. He was there during the civil rights movement and was even arrested for protesting against segregation. He is very gay friendly and a strong supporter of womens rights regarding abortions,paternal leave and universal healthcare. Bernie also campaigns for rights to privacy against surviellance. Forget what I said about not knowing who to vote for....!

So me and my co-worker got to talking about black folks and latinos in regard to religious manipulation of the masses and how crazy black folks are when it comes to homophobia. The homophobia in question was spawned out of what happened in a recent episode of "Empire" which is a popular tv show dealing with a rich black family who run a musical dynasty.  There was a kiss in a scene with two black men and the internet broke. Well twitter did. Sorta. People are sooooo damn angry. Death threats and faggot this and faggot that. I said its just amazing that a people so discriminated against can trun arund and do the same thing to others. My co-worker said thats what happens when you turn the minorities against each other. Uneducated and religious bible thumpers. He blames white folks and I kept thinking about how there were africans who actually participated in the slave trade. Its that ugly part of our history that no one wants to talk about. I swear as much harm as the white man has done to us black folks have become just as dangerous and scary to me. In my lifetime I have seen how terrible we treat each other. Theres a sense of hostility and distrust. When I see another black man on the street we both avoid eye contact. We usually look away. Most of the time when I see a group of black folks my red flag goes up because of past experiences. They will laugh at you because of how you're dressed. Stare at you and sometimes just start singing some lyrics of a rap song REALLY loud when they walk by. (What is THAT all about?) If they drive by in a car you will get stared at or just insulted. I can't speak for anyone else but these are my experiences. In the train/station I run across black folks smoking. Often times talking loud and being ghetto. If its a group of black men together some will go out of their way to be obnoxious probably because they feel brave in a group. Now I know we are not all like this but I just gotta get away from these niggas because thats what they are. As much as I hate to use that word Hakim was right when he used it to describe that ugly undesirable sect of our community. Its because of them that women speed up,slow down,speed up walking clutching their purses scared to get in the elevator with us and cops drive by slowly profiling or just stop us because we look "suspicious". As a black gay man I love black men but like a snake I know theres always that 50/50 chance that snake might try to bite me. Its a strange place to be when you realize as much as you love and understand your brother you probably will be happier away from him and his destructive ways or unwillingness to grow.

*
You hurt me
so many times
I let you back in
things were cool for a sec
then you
returned to
how you used to be
mean
grouchy
took me for granted
straight up took advantage
threw me to the gutter
and a year later
you tried to reach out to me again
(bro I let you live with me! How could you???)
Take the money and run
with it
because I'm done with you.
Maybe oneday I can forgive you
but I'm not there yet.
You single handedly
crushed
and halted
the direction of my art!
You must feel so proud
knowing you're so damn POWERFUL
to do that shit
to somebody who really loved you.
You got away with it.
YOU WON
SHOWED ME WHO'S BOSS
broke my heart
took me a whole year to bounce back,
GOD knows its been quite a year!
But you will never get another chance
to take a bite out of my spirit
(That was such a parasitic thing to do)
Now go and be at peace
somewhere.
Else.

But please
Whatever you do
just....
leave me in peace

We owe each other nothing.
*


Its about time for a cup of coffee and I still have alot on my mind. Most of it revolves around how I am gonna need to change how I do my art so that I can have a life thats not always about obsessing over my art. You know? On my off days I gotta take more time to play. At work or on workdays I can devote most of my time to this art and its business side so that I won't feel overwhelmed. I gotta make sure that theres more balance in my life. Gotta make sure theres more money left to actually LIVE and live healthier as opposed to this starving artist lifestyle. (Yes I am bouncing back from a bad place mentally). As time passes I am growing more aware of things I have missed or neglected because I was doing my art or as they say doing me. Working on me. Trying to become some person I thought others would respect or accept. Theres nothing wrong with wanting acceptance but as cliche' as it sounds I think you reach a point when you really get comfortable with being who you are and its not such a big deal what those other folks think. I guess what I am saying is you get to where that big person you wanna impress is yourself. So now its time for me to finally go home. Like the warrior coming out of the wilderness after that pilgrimage every warrior must take.  I'm not perfect by any means but I'm doing alright because in spite of it all I can still hold my head up. Most of the time.

1:32am

Secret Savior

When you came
it was like something out of a dream
secret hip hop lover
who came to save me from
this disbelief in all my brothers.
You came to hold me
warm soft yet hard at the same time
dark brown ebony power
from a whole other continent.
Who are you
Who is this man?
I'd often ask watching you snoring next to me
this miracle
who defied the odds to find this me.
All the others
the don't even look twice at me
when I walk by on the street
because I don't have
that perfect form
a car
or that rough street edge
(or pretend to have it)
What I have is me
and for so long
it wasn't good enough
for so long I started to think
maybe they were right.
But that wasn't you
we made eye contact and
the plug went right into the socket
and the light came on
to chase away at least enough of the darkness
so these eyes could make out this light.