Confessions of a sad superhero book 12

Yesterday I think I saw the future. I know it sounds weird but let me explain.... I was running to catch a bus and I literally saw the bus go by from down the street. So I ran to try and catch it because I knew it had to stop so folks could get on or off. But when I finally get there theres no bus and I look further down the street expecting to at least see the back lights of it leaving but nothing. Then seconds later I look back to see the bus is coming up the street and has not even passed yet even though I had just seen it pass. Strangeness. Then I was having this weird shit happen on instagram, I was trying to click on a video someone liked that I'd posted awhile back and everytime I clicked on it I kept getting sent to some conspiracy or militant type sites. I've also started getting messages on instagram from folks claiming to be a part of some organizations. Could be that algorithm shit I suppose since my followers are getting on up in number again. (I'm actually planning to take a break from social media soon)

My co-worker who I just happen to think is supremely handsome has been strong on my mind truthfully but I have been able to make peace with the fact he will never be compatible with me. He hasn't really shown any interest. I mean he did bring me some chicken shish kabobs the other day but.... I get the idea he like "The Ninja" think I'm cool but they don't wanna appear too nice because they think I might get the wrong idea. I think he's just not interested. Its weird to be around someone who you could have actually married in some parallel universe because you are so connected in things yet in this universe the other person will not see you that way. (But the truth of it is I do not believe we are sexually compatible. Take that however you want to) Mostly I have abandoned the idea that an American black man will figure importantly romance-wise in my life anymore. It simply feels (and its strange to say this) I'm not what any of them are looking for. What are they looking for? I think most are looking for themselves and in many other cases they are looking for someone with qualities they lack. This could explain why so many gay black men I have alot in common with are only into hyper masculine types or guys of other races.... People want you to have that perfect body. That perfect job. And a car. Lets be serious....9 out of 10 people won't touch you with a 10 foot pole if you don't drive. Its bizarre that some people actually believe you are useless when you don't have certain things. In reality maybe two people who each lack a specific thing could work together as a team to compliment each other. "Lymonicus" one of my friends used to say I am a Robin who needs a Batman. Its all about teamwork which is a concept that soars way over the heads of these mofos out here. I just don't wanna end up one of thsoe huys with alot of animals who has given up on people. (Geez am I partially dyslexic?)

Thing is I probably won't be living in the united states in another year or two. Best not to get attached to anyone here. Right now I am focusing on saving money and getting as many projects completed as possible before I go back into production on my films in August. Ima try to hang in here until the end of this year or early 2021. Sometimes its hard. Sometimes people here who don't like me go really out of their way to remind me I'm not welcome. I think its interesting when people put energy into stupid shit like that. Why not put that energy you spend coming after me into something constructive? Making change in the world. Fighting for a worthy cause. Or just go back to school and learn a trade so you can get out of whatever situation you may feel trapped in by increasing your financial status. Alot of folks walking around with so much pent up energy they just don't know what to do with it. I'm still not getting along with a lady who works here. Another person just stopped speaking to me. Someone I've known for years. I have been made aware that people sometimes try to listen in on conversations around here. I don't know. Perhaps he heard something and got it twisted? I also know I am the topic for discussion by some folks hwo have spread some untruths about me. Nothing really I can do about that. If people wanna just listen to what someone tells them thats their business. I remember my cousin who let me stay with here when I first came to LA telling me folks were telling her things before she let me stay with her. I don't even know where I'd be now if she'd listened. Its crazy to think someone behind the scenes could actually affect the path your life takes. This is one reminder to me how dangerous people can be. I'm not gonna allow myself to trip. Guess all you can do in the end  is let folks outsmart themselves. One can't avoid negativity. However you can control how much of it you let in your life. You get to a point in life where you can see it coming a mile away.

I got more art from "The Bicknell" featuring my new superheroes. I wanted to work with Mr. Rivero again but he's never forgiven me for not letting him move in with me when he was going thru some difficult times. In my defense I was dealing with my own shit and my place is still basically a mess. And its already small and cluttered. It just felt like a bad idea letting someone else come in. I've lost this artist so thats something I gotta get past. I really liked dude though. Theres so many comic and animation or game projects in my head and I need to be more aggressive with finding artists who are taking commissions if I'm gonna be able to get more projects done faster. Its something bonding with a new artist. You gotta make sure they get your vision. It is awkward asking a straight guy to draw certain things though. "The Bicknell" is so cool I think he would draw anything I'd ask him. I do need to look for a kick ass gay artist. Probably a ghost writer too. Just more things for me to think on. I plan to come back later and update this post.

*Update* (The next day) -To Swing out sister music on spotify-

Me and a co-worker have noticed someone has been snapping photos of us when we go on patrol. Who and why are they doing this? Maybe I just shouldn't care. (If someone wants to waste their time doing silly things thats their business right?)

People are so damn nosey. I'm going in and out of my apt or my building and folks are coming to their doors to look and see. And its really creepy to know someone is just standing there at their peephole watching you go about your daily life.

Why the hell do people copy me? I listen to music. They do it.  I bring my laptop they do it. Its alot of other things and I notice it and it kind of weirds me out. If I dare to call people out on it they simply deny it. Its strange. Folks have the nerve to call me weird when they are constantly doing things to upstage any bizarre behavior I might exhibit. Anyway....

I spoke to "Captain Liberia" this morning via Facebook videochat. Such a convenient application that is.  Just seeing that cute guy and his smile made me realize how much I really miss him. We talked for probably half an hour or so. I mentioned going to see him on my birthday but with this katrina virus thing still an issue all over I dunno.

George Floyds death has sparked a movement. A revolution really. Folks are pissed and it was like that time you blew up at somebody for not taking out the trash but it was really about more than the damn trash. More of a case of built up things. The Black Lives slogan has been thrown around alot too. But what does it really mean? Theres a group with that name but they don't always line up with the ideaology of the movement. Its one of those strange things. But to break it down I would have to say its like politics. Some things are done for the people but others are done for some sort of gain. Its all crazy but some folks black or white or whatever will never get over racism or they have some stake in fanning those flames that divide us. Of course I don't hate all white people and I don't like it when anyone tries to make me feel I should because of bad things some of them have done to us over the years. I have some good friends who are white. Actually I really consider a few family. Yep I have had some bad experiences but much of the time white folks are nice to me. Also white men and women have been responsible for creating things that have and will continue to inspire the person I have become forever. Now I'm not gonna sit here and pretend there are no serious issues that need to be addressed (don't even get me started on the not so covert racism in the LGBTQ community) yet the George Floyd thing has kicked in doors that might have been closed before in regards to certain discussions we need to be having. And no I do not think the police should be "de-funded" Give those mother fuckers better training for gods sake. And in the same breath take some money from their operation and spend it on some other areas in the community that need help. (Teacher salaries. More teachers. Bigger class rooms and more supplies for them youngins. Better yet put ya'll heads together and figure out a way to keep black and brown folks from killing each other every year in record numbers. When are WE gonna make our neighborhoods safer??? Better? Cleaner? Yeah that needs to happen. Its long overdue. So whats up?


UPDATED SATURDAY:

HAPPY/HATED FACE

See me coming
I hold the door open for you
frown at me
like I committed a crime by being born.
How is it possible to direct so much negativity at someone you don't know?
Got out your vehicle
looking like a star but you're really a torn decrepit planet
torn and rotten on the inside.

Is that why you put on so much make-up?

(Okay so what had happened was....I creeped out to the 7/11 over by my job and on my way inside I see this really pretty girl get out of a black SUV. She looked like a celebrity. Anyway I did what I would have done for anyone....I held the door open for her. She seemed to mutter something nasty and I wasn't sure if she was being rude to me or someone in the back who seemed to say something to her. Maybe cat-calling or something. I dunno. But it was really weird how nasty her attitude in the store seemed yet on her way out she was so courteous and kind as she told the cashier good night and thank you. I don't know. Maybe I am reading too much into this but I was having a nice conversation with the cashier as I scanned the app for the discount and scanned my bank card. Maybe that's why her and the other person in line seemed so pissed at me. It just feels like when you are happy and cheerful folks think they can just come at you with negativity and I don't understand that. But I do understand why so many people are quiet and keep to themselves. Sometimes its like when you smile or talk you give people ammo to use against you. From my observations folks dress and create certain personas about themselves to keep people at a distance so they won't be hurt. Those of us who wear our hearts on our sleeves just tend to make easy targets. Until the day we get sick and tired of being sick and tired.)

UPDATED LATER SATURDAY......
Last night or rather early this morning at work I witnessed something tragic yet beautiful at the same time. I had to write about it because it felt like one of those epic type epiphanies really. There was this kid at the center having some sort of mental breakdown episode. I could see on the videocameras as a group of their friends gathered around them to help and comfort them as they went thru it. Even running after them to keep them from hurting themselves. I thought to myself how awesome it is to have friends like that who rallied behind someone. Friends who accept you and completely understand what you're going thru. I have had good friends but I don't think I have really ever encountered anything quite like what those kids have with each other. To me its just an incredible thing to have. That sense of community I guess. Maybe this is why people like seeing underdogs come together. Maybe we are all searching for that sense of community. Belonging. A safe space.

Updated Sunday:
Stopped taking allergy medicine weeks ago to hopefully give my body a chance to build up resistance. Also changing my diet to include more veggies and seafood.

Updated Monday:
I guess I don't give much thought to the fact I really don't have much of a support system here in Los Angeles. My dad asked me for an emergency contact and I was only able to give him one. When I went for my colonoscopy I had only an old acquaintance to call upon for transport. No wonder Cali feels like such a lonely place at times.

Updated Wednesday (July 1st)

"Sometimes I feel like I am trapped in a nightmare where everybody is scared to be nice to me"

UPDATED JULY 3 2020

I got a headache
because I was thinking so hard about
trying not to think about you.

I got a headache because
I was trying not to think about
looking in the direction of the man
who won't speak to or look in my direction
-and I really don't know why this is going on going on like a month now. Maybe longer-

I got a headache because of those tight ass headphones I put on
when I knew full well I shouldn't have
because I was already trying to fight off an oncoming headache.

I got a headache because I was lost in feelings
feelings of not belonging
feelings of being unlovable
or doomed not to ever feel arms around me
feelings of being invisible and not mattering until I'm rich
feelings of indifference because folks laughed at my art
gawked at me
because I'm walking and don't have a car
gossiped about me
whispered in so many ears
people tiptoe around acting as if I don't know what those whispers are.
Bad things
some painful to repeat
and its painful sometimes
thinking folks think those things about me.
I think they're trying to shape my reality
and they don't even know me.
I turn into a scared insecure teenaged boy
when I'm around them
(thats not who I am)
I've got to get away from here.

I got this damn headache
planning
and at times being impatient with myself
but I'm working towards it
gotta keep my eyes on the plan
save that money
keeping on believing in me
and this is the silent black man rage that often grips me
sends me spiraling into that void of anxiety
plays havok with my immune system.
I'm like that scared cat on the piano
attempting to make reason out of insanity.
Please understand
this is why I got this damn headache
this is the reason
the methodology behind Sergio's madness.

7.5.2020
Rejection is a double-edged sword
On one hand I see I was never good enough for you
won't ever be good enough
ain't never gonna be
you see I never had a chance.
Wrong race
Not masculine enough
I'm not a top
Dude you don't even see
Not really see me
at all.
I'm not on your level
and I gotta learn to stay in my lane.
Hell I've cheated myself
been putting so much damn energy into a man
who I can't even connect with
and I'm sad
sick inside
every time I think about
all the friends
family members
or even other potential lovers I spurned because of you
(How many videogames I coulda been playing, books I coulda written, planes I coulda jumped on
to fly into the arms of someone who does indeed want me. There are folks
they've seen me at my worst and they never gave up on me.)
I'm done crying inside for fools who refuse to accept what I have to offer.
I'm done investing in your business that never wanted my money in the first place
even when I tried to give it to you interest free.
I see now
YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME
No matter what I do or where I go in life
I rushed in like a fool
heart on my sleeve
you threw my toys back at me and said
go home little boy
so thats what I'm doing
No more tears
Indeed.
From now on my ass is turning away from
THIS madness.
I am done with you.
We were never meant to be
and all you ever were
was a lesson.

UPDATED JULY 11 2020

Had some shit at work the last few days. I've been doing good by avoiding that one trigger person at work but theres another. A hispanic male who works in another dept as a supervisor. This is the same guy who tried to get me in trouble at the highland location by taking a photo of the Roku I used to hook up  to the tv in the kitchen. He then took said photo to upper management. Anyway the other day he came to say the elevator at the senior building was left unlocked all shift. Sgh JAmes said it was not unlocked. Meanwhile a maintenance person told me the elevator was unlocked. THen the other night this same supervisor came to tell us the gate across from the village was opened. We are not allowed to patrol out there since the protests started and said individual was told that. But when I walked past him and his staff they were all talking spanish and stopped to stare at me as I walked past. "The Ninja" who used to work there said he used to experience the same thing and they constantly gave him a hard time. He said it was as if they just didn't like to see us talking when so many other things folks do around here are overlooked. I just don't understand what can be accomplished by antagonizing someone and creating a hostile environment. Sometimes its difficult to communicate because many don't speak english. I don't really plan to be working here much longer so I  really don't wanna put too much energy into these things. Also theres a possibility someone at my job could be checking out my online stuff. I know it sounds crazy but it was recently revealed someone at the job wrote some things online that raised eyebrows. I gotta be careful especially in these hyper sensitive times we now live in. Another thing thats still a concern is who in the world keeps snapping photos of me and Sgt James when we are on patrol and why? I dunno. Maybe its tied in with the legal crap that I found myself in the middle of a few months back....

UPDATED 7.16.2020
Its weird. I seem to have quite the fan club among some people at my worksite. I noticed a few times I walked by and there was some slight snickering. Giggling. Not just from youth either. Also other times theres like something thats changed about how members of the Y/C dept treat me. Its really the energy. On top of that I have had issues with the maintenance dept and have had to start avoiding certain co-workers. Just what is going on here? The last few nights have been something. Especially Monday. There was a knife wielding person blocking an exit then the alarms went off because someone was smoking weed. I am still gonna try my best to just hang on in here for the next six months but hopefully I can basically keep a low profile till then and save up alot of money so I can take a break from working before I move. Keep my eyes on the plan....

UPDATED 7.17.2020
So a funny thing happened like a week ago.... I finally told my co-worker how I felt. About him I mean. Then I explained I understand he doesn't feel the same way and I will never bring it up again. (Why did I bring it up in the first place???) I told him awhile back that I had a dream about him but I spared him the details. It was a sexual dream. Felt really real and nice but I accept it as a fantasy. Dude and I are obviously not compatible. I will leave it at that. I mean....when you see a person everyday and they communicate with you (even if its at an arms length like you have the damn plaque) you pick up certain things. Gestures. Mannerisms. Small little things they say. Yeah. I do pay attention. I wonder if one day this guy is gonna look back and say...."I wonder what if I had actually dated him....hmmm" Anyway I was listening to some music by "System of a down" the night after my texted confession and dude came over heard the song and basically bolted for the elevator. Honestly I know he thought I put the song on because I wanted to him to hear it. But I did not. So that happened and it was weird. So maybe I did a bad thing by admitting I have feelings for the guy. I guess in the future I will reframe from doing such things. (Man I remember back in the day it was actually a compliment when someone was attracted to you. Now its apparently SCARY and forbidden. I swear gay men have lost their minds) I don't wanna become the type to give up on relationships and just surround myself with animals but man I just wonder maybe I should consider exploring this latent bi-sexual thing. Other than perhaps Johnathon it appears I may just not be interesting to men anymore. I dunno if its a hormonal thing or whats going on with people and dating in general.

I think some folks have a chemical imbalance that makes them not feel much of anything because of their diets. Also people seem to be getting more and more unbalanced in their behavior as if they were bi-polar or something. Seen a lot of homeless folks on public transportation. Some are mentally ill. Sleeping on the buses. Not wearing masks on the buses. Sometimes coughing and sneezing. Then there's the individuals that come around the job place. I had to kick some people offsite today but it wasn't scary and crazy like usual. I was on patrol and saw a group hanging out in the courtyard. I approached them and everyone got quiet after a moment. At first I thought they were gonna ignore me and give me a hard time but they all looked up at me and then that's when I said you guys can't be here. They were all like "You just waited until we stopped talking" I was like "Well you all got quiet and it was all dramatic" They started laughing and preparing to leave as I walked away. I really wish everytime I encounter folks doing crazy stuff on site they shouldn't be doing they would be as cooperative as these kids were. (I've also noticed sometimes people get right on the property and something seems to trigger them to acting crazy. I have some theories but the most likely one is there's one of those sonic devices that is supposed to deter people from properties and its affecting them. I've noticed I get a particularly weird feeling when I go down in the parking area. Another thing I have noticed is sometimes people go out of their way to not walk close to the building. There are Covid notices on the doors so maybe that's got something to do with it?)

*I asked a co-worker advice on dealing with or rather working with a difficult person. I was referring to someone who has worked with me on some film projects. He said I should just keep it business. I have actually distanced myself from this co-worker who in the past has done or said nasty disrespectful things to me. He once said I come to work and go in one of the conference rooms because I am trying to be important. He also said something to me about using light skin privilege when he is just a slight as I am. I am not even sure if he was joking or not but its weird to discover people are possibly thinking or saying crazy stuff about you behind your back. But I have discovered the hard way sometimes people do actually believe things folks tell them when you are not around and it reflects in how they treat you. You might not even have the slightest idea why so and so just stopped talking to you one day for. I am tired of giving energy to these people. They will never know me and are not important at all in my life. I hope not.

UPDATED 7.17.2020

I tried to call my brother to wish him a happy birthday. I got his voicemail. Its weird....I try to reach out to Joshuazilla at times and it seems he just isn't really interested. I guess we barely know each other and I'm the weird gay brother. Joshuazilla was raised a lot differently than me and my sisters. He got away with a lot of things Eddie and my mother would have killed us for. Also his generation missed out on some of the things my generation had. I mean....we were taught morality and had REAL tangible role models. Not saying Joshuazilla is a dummy but I think he may have hung around and been influenced by some numbnuts. He's actually superhumanly intelligent. I don't know that he'll ever do anything with it. Having kids and smoking "Mary" and kinda jumping around with his life goals has put him in a bind. The military didn't work out. I thought he'd be some sort of basketball star by now but that didn't happen. He needs guidance and maybe oneday years from now when his maturity catches up with that evolved mind I can help him and build real bonds. The Disney trip was a start.

Things I notice.

People copy me.
Its kinda strange but if I'm listening to music others do it. If I bring coffee in my thermos others do it. I do say anything. I guess we are all influenced by others to a degree but its interesting that some folks who might not necessarily be able to stand you are watching and imitating things you do. Thats all.

You know who is acting weird again. I mean to say the dude I have a crush on. Its something I try not to dwell upon. There are actual people out there I should be giving my time to and not focusing on someone who is not on the same page with me. At times he will come to the desk and then go away until its time to change over for patrols. He started coming over to put his stuff on the desk when he's ready to change. This was something I used to do because I just didn't wanna stand around waiting. I get it. Keep your distance. Don't be too friendly with Sergio or he might get the wrong idea. Only I won't. The more time I spend around him and the more I observe I have come to understand there is a lot of things going on in this guys life. He has health stuff and he seems unsure what to do with himself. He's a great singer but has absolutely no clue how to utilize it. He kinda jumps around on stuff. I'd like to help. God knows everytime he said his back was hurting I wanted to offer a massage but I just don't go there. He has a dog and I think that's partly because he's running from intimacy which is a shame but that's not my problem. He has a personal trainer yet there's nothing wrong with his body. He is a beautiful man. But I guess maybe he has to get in better shape to attract the type he likes? I dunno. Maybe its for the right reasons but with plenty of gay men its NOT and I don't know if he will ever let anyone love him. I don't know if he will ever be happy because I look around me and see so many people falling into these traps where they never achieve their potential. This is why I have to get out of here and get in the company of people who believe in themselves and are not scared to join with me as we build each other up. In a perfect world dude and I could be a power couple and build an empire because we have some key things/values in common. But unfortunately we have no sexual compatibility and as more time goes by I have noticed other things (I won't go into detail over) that definitely prove we could never work. He could possibly be a friend but I don't think he really wants that outside the workplace. Chances are I will never see him again once I leave here. Now Captain Liberia on the other hand is a good catch and its crazy I can't go see him now because of this Panda Pandemic. Whats a guy to do? Should I even realistically be thinking of going on dates at a time like this???

Confessions of a sad superhero book 11

Today I behaved like a superhero should.

I was on one of my favorite websites today. Ign.com Which used to be called "Game Sages" I always go there to read news regarding comic books, videogames and other pop culture nerd stuff. I noticed they have this humble bundle thing going on. This is a charity related promotion where you buy games and the proceeds go towards helping a cause. In this case its fighting racism. So I decided I should do it. I guess this is something I don't talk much about but I do try to give to causes when I can. A little change here and there. For example when I make purchases on Amazon money goes towards the NY gay basketball team. In the market when I am buying groceries and the cashier asks me to donate I usually say YES. Whether its for a disaster or cancer or whatever I can afford a dollar or two. No biggie and also I used to give money to the police dept to help towards raising money for kids. When I worked for Guardsmark money would come out of my check for charity. The reason I am putting this out there is because I want to maybe get other folks thinking about "paying it forward". You see it might sound corny but each of us should be trying to give to make a difference. After all we're not all here just to suck up oxygen and most likely somewhere down the road someone probably helped YOU out too....

I have been backing Kickstarter projects and I am even getting involved with SGT James business with ATM machines. I'd like to help him grow his business and it would be a nice way to generate some extra income as I plan my departure from the LGBT center later this year (Or early 2021) When I am better off financially I'd like to donate even more money towards causes I believe in. This is something that is important to me and I want people to know it because its a part of me.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 10

I guess maybe its time to start thinking like Brian the security guard who used to ride the bus with me on my way home in the morning. Since there are so many weird and deranged folks riding the bus for free these days he walks all the way to the train station which you have to pay (so theres less crazies) or sometimes he just uses Uber/Lyft. Last night all the way to work on two buses I had to listen to two crazy guys talking lout to themselves. So loud they drowned out my music on my bluetooth headphones. Then tonight I got  into an argument with a crazy lady  talking loud to herself who called cursed at me and me a devil when I asked her why did she have to come over to where I was. When she kept saying I was a devil I asked her how could she know that and if she's actually seen one. She said yes and I told her to stop lying. For real. I mean I was just standing there waiting for the bus minding my business and here comes this loud talking looney. This is probably why so many folks drive here in LA and the homeless problem is becoming a very serious issue here. You see all the tents everywhere and the law enforcement are limited in what they can do or they just don't wanna be bothered. You see alot of deranged folks on the bus and much of the time they are not even wearing masks. My nerves are shot and I really needed to type this so I could calm down. I went to the store and stood in line for a long time so even though I left my house early I still got here later than usual and had to deal with drama on my way to work. If I had like ten grand saved up I would get the hell out of Cali because it is changing too much in ways I don't like. Not saying I ever really felt at home here you know? Next time a looney comes around me I'll just quietly move. Tonight I was feeling tired. Probably irratable and my energy possibly attracted or gave off some negativity. I think sometimes when I'm feeling a certain way it just opens me up to strange things happening. Could be the psychic protection fields are not functioning at full capacity or theres some subconscious altering of the environment going on. I am just full of theories about this stuff. Honestly though I don't even like to go out of my apt if I am feeling a certain way. I've said it before and I'll say it again....its becoming apparent much of the mental issues I have come from dealing with FUCKED up people. I can only wonder what my life would have been like without all the shit I've experienced at the hands of bullies negative small minded broken folks and all the other shit I've been thru. Then people have to spend the rest of their lives trying to "cure" themselves or find some inner peace so you won't become another babbling idiot walking around talking to yourself.

I almost forgot to mention I got this mysterious handwritten letter in the mail yesterday. The letter suggested I go to a website that had some bible scriptures which explains all the insane stuff going on in the world these days. The letter was addressed to me and seemed to have been mailed from Valencia Cali even though the return address was right down the street from me. So now I have a mystery on my hands. Sometimes my life really is alot like a movie or a tv show.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 9

Rage stuff....

See me coming
give me that strange look
like I was the one who got in a car and drove into an orphanage
like I have done the worst things
but you don't know me bruh
and I have no idea what little birdie been whispering in your ear
cuz you ain't never walked a mile in my shoes.

One day I'm gonna fly over you
fly so high over you
and people like you
folks who hate dreamers
so scared of us
yet you watch us from the shadows
copying every thing we do
comin round when you think "He about to blow up"
while
you seem afraid to be around us.

Say I'm weird
say I'm angry
say I'm off my rocker
and maybe its true
maybe if you were me you would be too.

Racially profiled
(so please keep that "light skin privilege" shit to yourself)
passed over
watching others with less experience
rise up
so yeah sometimes that anger wells up inside me
(maybe that's part of that freaky vibe I give off at times)
even with my outlets
some of that anger stays inside me I think.
Crazy stinky folks on the buses and train
arguing with themselves
and you tell me I got issues
Nigga puhleaze.
 You don't fucking know me.

I am so tired
tired of being tired
and that's why I'm saving up
dreaming about the motherland.
Dreaming of a better life
One where things are cheaper
nobody knows me
and I can start all over again
with some nicer
friendlier people who look like me
(who hopefully have better social skill than you motherfuckers
who shun those of us who CAN communicate!)

Tell me I am angry or crazy
and if that is true its because for so long I have been stuck in this space with you.
Broken
Lost
and you forgot how to dream
Laugh at my ideas
Make me feel like I don't belong
like I am fighting against the tribe
when I came in thinking it was my tribe
but its not
Not really.

I watched on tv
the looting
the protesting
I watched I
and wasn't with the looting but I could understand the rage
while certainly understanding the need to protest against a system
that is so set (often invisibly)
against so many of us.
Yeah I know what its like to fee left out
I know what its like
struggling
but its like flying against this strong unseen force
almost like a strong wind
when sometimes you seem as if you're making headway
you get blown right back
cops looking at you funny
making you stop so they can check you
sometimes those guns are pointing and even though they don't come
you can still feel those bullets coming
(Does that make any sense?)

Wanting to cry at times
but people like me rarely do that
and no arms are there to comfort us
so I'm in the past
feeling the eyes of those who came before on me
and sometimes I swear I can feel their arms around me
(Ask me again why I respect the spirit world because I'm already a part of it)

Maybe that's part of what you feel in my presence
some form of greatness that intimidates your stagnating ass.

I ca'nt say I fully understand your ways
just stay out of my way.
If you're not for me then you're against me
and I don't need your hinderance bruh.

I'm already out here trying to survive this panda pandemic just like you are and facing some of the same things you are
and its madness for you to keep treating me this way.

All I can do is ask you to stay out of my way while I chase these dreams you say I'm so crazy for.
Even if you can't understand me
or will never really accept me
I ask the same thing I ask of all the crazy racist folks out there
who see my skin and would cast me aside
(Just like I heard somebody else say recently)
I don't want you to feel sorry for me and guilty.
I don't want your tolerance either.
Please....just respectfully get the hell out of my way.
Thank you.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 8

(To The 99 Most Essential Gregorian Chants)

Went out tonight for NyQuil
(Should be trying to find some lysol too!)
streets were empty
mostly quiet.
Curfews in full effect
because my people
my other people
protested
then it turned violent
turned into looting and rioting
(but they say those weren't really my people. (Those were the people who stacked those bricks
at those convenient spots. Those people).
Windows were smashed
things were stolen
military was called in stores are all boarded up
Sgt James says it looked like a scene from a movie when he drove past the armed men in Hollywood.
My double or triple brain struggles to take all this shit in
(strengthened by all those left and right hand brain exercises!)

So whats wrong with me?
Why do I need NyQuil?
Did my immune system tank because of job stress
pandemic life stress/anxiety
or was it heartbreak?
Covid test came back negative
so what is this shit
(phemonia?)
3-4 day headache
Coughing
(A dry cough)
an irritating sensation in my chest
and feeling heat on my ears
hot flashes bodywise
feeling hot with no fever and it seems to flare up even more after I talk on the phone
or is that my imagination?
Sneezing (mostly allergy related?)
Woke up sweating again the other day.
My body's fighting off something nasty
What is it?
I don't know because my covid test came back negative.
So theres that.
And now my job has me sitting at home
home where I should be able to rest in peace
but the neighbors are banging
so much I started reading prayers aloud to drive out the dark
and my landlady said theres repair work going on
so I'm thinking I need to get me a damn hotel room
either that or walk around with those
bluetooth headphones on 24/7
if I'm gonna survive another 6-8 months in this place
without losing my mind.

She texted me
my ghost writing partner
told me I'd have the rest of the Gerbilla (second issue) story today.
Nothing yet.
Meanwhile my artist hasn't sent me new comic art in like a month.
(Whats going on)
I can't sleep
not like this.
I feel hot.
I think NyQuil would help
and nothings open.
I feel hot
coughing everysooften
I need to change how I'm sitting so my leg won't get numb.
Its almost 12 and this castlevania-ish music and these sneezes are keeping me company.
Head is hurting but man is it spinning from this spinning world
that seems spinning out of control
Black lives matter
but why act out in such a fashion as they have this weekend?
Why give them even more cause to think we are lost causes?
I don't know that this society will ever completely accept us
can't get those nasty images out their heads
(I wonder who put those images there)
Other races saying we feel we are owed something.
Shit maybe those of us that want it are owed a damn ticket back to Africa
(Thats sorta funny. But not really cuz I wanna go but I can't on account one of my "brothaz" stole my birth certificate and my passport. Irony?)
Sometimes I feel like my brothaz hate me for being gay
for being me
for loving them so much more than they could ever love themselves.
Yeah I guess it is irony.

-Cue laugh track-

Wash yo hands
they say.
Rub yo place down with alcohol/bleach they say
and wear them gloves
but honey you done touched them other folks groceries
even with them gloves on and I ain't wearing no gloves
so....what does it all actually accomplish?
Shouldn't we all be wearing ET suits?
Some folks will not engage in conversation.
Just pay and get the hell out.
On the bus its free
you don't pay,
just get in the back door please and put on yo mask.
(I done seent a bunch of homeless folks sleeping over yonder in them there seats
and they ain't wearin no mask. So um....whats really goin on?)
Please stand six feet apart
thats what those instructions on the floor tell us
and the lines are often long
or it takes forever
when typically I'd be in and out in about 15 minutes
instead of cursing myself for leaving the Playstation Vita at home.
All I want now is some NyQuil
so I can sleep.
It probably won't stop the slight kinda burning I'm feeling
even though I have no fever
No shortness of breath
only a persistent cough every now and then.
I would perhaps have to resist the urge to chug it all down.
I'd like to get in a plane and fly over the city
spraying everybody with NyQuil to wash away
this blanket of despair that seems to have descended on the world in these strange times.