Confessions of a sad superhero book 50

 Got a text from my therapist yesterday. She said we can go back to weekly sessions. I'm not sure I need them anymore because I've been figuring out alot on my own but I guess it can't hurt. I'll just have to see if she does in fact CALL. (sigh) To be fair she has been thru alot since catching Covid last year. Anyhow....

Had a dream yesterday in the morning after playing Concrete Genie on my PS5. (The other day I had one after playing Gravity Rush) In the dream this beautiful brown skinned bro was being with me and I noticed he only had half a penis. Dude told me when he was a kid he had this horrific accident where a refrigerator fell on his privates. I really liked him though and was interested in staying with him in possibly developing something. He really reminds me of this cute guy I met years ago at a club or outside a club in Noho. He had recently gotten out of jail or prison. Brown-skinned and VERY muscular. He had his hair in a do-rag kind of getup. I would later see his hair was VERY long. I think he said his name was Kendall. He had this smell that was familiar. It wasn't an unpleasant scent don't get me wrong. It was cleanish but not overly perfumey like most guys smell nowadays. Its a fact that natural scents can be extremely intoxicating yet many folks cover it all up with colognes and stuff. Go figure. Kendalls scent kinda reminds me of this hot bro named Charles I once got down with but his penis was waaaaay too big. Its crazy now that I still think of  that and wished that I'd let him just as I sometimes wish I'd let a dude named Ray penetrate me but dude was gigantic and came before he could even really try to enter me. This was all a looooong time ago. I have said this many times that i wish I could go back in time because there were some cool guys I really could have had something with. Really now when I think of dating its a passing thought. Why? So much to do in my life. So many things to make right or better you know? I'm not ugly but no one calls or flirts with me. Online I feel invisible next to all the images we're all constantly bombarded with. All these dudes with perfect bodies. Perfect jobs and cars. Perfect smiles. So much in the way of thirst traps. Some say the majority of these guys are going home alone. I dunno. Having those looks and muscles is certainly power even if many seem pretty bland on the inside. One would think with all the Covid mess going on folks are scared to have sex. I haven't even bothered to try and have sex with anyone for years. Masturbation helps but theres a part of me that wonders back to the time when a need for sex was mostly non-existant. Part of me wonders really wonders if this is IT and the days of me being in a real committed intimate relationship are over. I've actually thought about what it would be like to find a male prostitute. I'm being completely honest. I don't receive any type of attention from anyone. The Captain rarely if ever calls. A dude in Nigeria basically cut me off when I admitted to him I had feelings for "The Captain" even though I was willing to try and work with him on helping him move to the US. Still after looking at more of his photos I deduced maybe we are not all that compatible after all. I mean I think he's mostly sexy and all but sometimes I don't. He's kinda skinny and might have man boobs. Man boobs can be fixed so. So can my stomach thats been sticking out much more than I'm comfortable with. Thinking of going on a fast or drastically changing my diet. Honestly. 

Some folks from my past (friends) have attempted to reach out to me. I feel that some of these people I have outgrown and need to let them go. I'm just trying to be careful. 

The supervisor at work who got on me last week for my computer gave us coffee cards from Starbucks the other day. He can tell something is up because I don't really have anything to say to him. Guess he's now a trigger for me. Something to remind me I need to really get serious about focusing on being my own made man type individual. Working for me. Calling my own shots. Not  having people younger than me or not smarter than me telling me what to do. Controlling my life. Other folks writing my checks. The writing is on the wall. Social security is NOT gonna be enough to take care of most of us yet most of us...well most didn't get the memo.   Update: He later in the week brought us pizza. 

Did go to the meeting. The meeting at my job about the new contract. Not gonna lie....after sitting there and having them explain everything to me and break it down and seeing how much I make every year when my taxes were done I realized something....I could finance THE FILM I REALLY WANNA MAKE. I can. Getting funding and sponsors would help but if I save more diligently I can make alot of stuff happen. If I can be patient plus avoid getting into trouble at work and fucking everything up. What with the mask mandates going away next week its likely that there will be more job opportunities out here too. Perhaps even within fields that actually give my creative muscles flexxing. So I've gotta look around more at things and really understand I am not trapped in this situation because there are other options. Even if its outside the security field. But to be totally honest I doubt if I take another gig somewhere else that I will get the same pay and benefits package I get here. Take into account I have been here for 15 years.

Might go to the doctor today for a strange breakout I have on my hands. Alos need to see if somethng can be done for pain I'm getting in my back and feet. Sometimes my legs. Need to go get my eyes checked again also not to mention the root canal thing. Seems like there's always something, doesn't it?

Seems my nephew is getting married and they sent me an invite. I haven't answered it yet. Why? Well really I need to sit down and look at it and carefully mull it over. Thing is I'm not particularly close with him and since I'm gonna be cutting down on my spending every dime spent will be after careful consideration if its outside of necessities. I was gonna go see "The Captain" but after seeing him go so much time without calling and those "thirst trap" photos he's posted on social media I think its safe to say his attention lies elsewhere. I'm not stupid but there may come a day when he regrets not paying more attention to Sergio. He graduates this year. I did so want to be there but mostly the part of me that cares is fading. Why should I invest emotional energy into someone who is emotionally unavailable? That dream I had yesterday...that feeling of someone wanting me....a warm strong brown sugar body laying next to me. I can even smell that dream guy. Who is he? Does he exist in this universe, this reality and timeframe? Sometimes I feel like he has died and his spirit lingers around at times attempting to reach me when he's built enough strength the pierce the ether for whatever reason. Is my life really a romantic tragedy then?

Confessions of a sad superhero book 49

 I just woke up from a dream that felt truly transformational. The same classical music I'm hearing right now on classical KUSC was playing as I flew high among trees and structures avoiding things beneath me  in the water. Octopus tentacles laying in wait to grab if I got too close and I was sort of softly gliding almost having to push myself off from touching against some trees or structures. All the time I was thinking of my grandma Mary's house whilst thinking of my grandma Cora as I slowly yet in a fast way made my way to the house that belonged to my Grandma Mary. I'd played Gravity Rush on my PS5 before going to sleep much earlier than usual because I plan to attend a meeting at the job this morning. All this weekend thoughts of my job have weighed heavy on my mind since Saturday morning at work a supervisor went off on me because he caught me playing games on my laptop. It was shocking because I'd never seen dude so serious before plus the fact of it being late and quiet and absolutely nothing was going on. He came in the lobby and his eyes were fixated with blazing hate on my laptop. It was like he became another person and not the kind gentle person he usually seemed to be. He definitely was not the same person who once brought me a red bull from 7/11. He'd changed in an instant into someone else as I opened the gate with a button to let out someone who'd just gotten off from another department. It was as if I was reminded how in any moment someone can suddenly changed and then you understand all too well you never knew them and they are not your friend. You are reminded that you do not belong "there" anymore. It makes me think again of a certain officer who nearly got me fired months ago. Even with him gone the spectre of his crazy energy remains. Crazy energy of a man I'd actually fallen for. The supervisor told me he did not want to see "that" anymore. He told me I needed to put it away. I think he said he wasn't going to say anything as I hastily shut my computer down and tried to explain this wasn't affecting my job performance. I am so good at multitasking at work and it helps keep me focused. Especially games and music or reading. It helps me feel HOME yet that morning I was reminded THIS IS NOT MY HOME. Deep down inside it began to build inside me into the crescendo it is now. I think its safe to say at that moment in time it was time for me to give my notice to leave. So like I planned as my New Years Resolution I have set a date to leave. Before I said it was gonna be when my comic I'm working on with Argo Comics is done but I can do better than that. I'm tired and my spirit is tired of feeling like a little boy scared he's gonna get in trouble. I'm tired of feeling like people not smarter than me and often younger than me have control over my life. I feel like I have been a slave for too long and its time to break free. I think somehow my ancestors have reached out to me across the cosmos of all existence to touch my being because they could sense I am troubled with a decision which can change the path of my life. So when will I quit my job? I'm thinking today when I go in to the meeting I will let my higher ups know.

2:50 am.

So dude was like "Do you wanna talk about it?" I told him I was okay. Obviously I was pissed. I said "I think its something how this is such a big deal when other people do so much worse and get away with it" I mean....people scratch or take the detex bar codes we are supposed to scan. Its been happening for years and nothing is ever done about it. I went home an hour late Saturday because of a person who has been pulling this nonsense for years. He was late. We couldn't reach him. Other folks do stuff too and I'm not gonna go into it because I might be typing for a long time. But I see this stuff happening. It makes me feel some kind of way. I try my best to do my job. Even with the anxiety and the constant feeling of danger from working in that area. But just as before with another supervisor who came for me while ignoring others transgressions. Recently some higher ups have began to recognize the work and dedication of guards but still many of us feel unappreciated. Dude mentioned that others have mentioned me playing games. That made me feel like no matter how much I try to do my job I have this mark or stigma against me. Mostly that makes me feel like I gotta leave to wipe the slate clean because nothing I'm doing is working to erase whatever bias you have against me. I may not be a perfect worker but over the last 15 years I have become a pretty good security guard. I'm dependable plus I actually care about my job. I believe in what the center stands for. I really do but the reality hit me like a sack of soda cans. I have outgrown that place and its time for me to fly free from the chains. I gotta take that leap from the tree branches. In order for me to grow in character and confidence I need to be more independant and free to be as creative as I can be. The environment....maybe even this apartment and city have served their purpose and its time to move on. Seems all my life I have been following someone elses orders and afraid of getting in trouble if I step out of line and speak up about how I truly feel. I'm tired of being sub serviant (hopefully I spelled that right) I might even need to cut off dude in North Dakota for awhile regardless of how he's gonna take it because in all seriousness I'm doubting if he ever really cared for me the way I care for him. He's holding me back and I....I might be blocking my blessings by focusing on him. I send him gifts. I try to help him out with his kids sometimes but I don't know if its because he has someone else or if its just him having to crunch in school but whatever the case....as they say...."He's just not that into you" So Ima get up. Brush my teeth. Ima shower and get me some coffee and head off to that meeting and think of what I'ma say after we have worked out the details of this new contract. I NEED to let them know I will be leaving soon. Just thinking that I feel some sense of freedom. I know Ima need to cut back. Might need to say bye bye to Netflix,Hulu and Amazon....for awhile but some things are luxuries we can do without....

3:12am.