(To Jill Scott. +826 Experience)
Quite the journey PART 6. "CONCLUSION"
Alot has happened since the last time I wrote. California has opened up for one so we don't have to wear masks everywhere. Basically businesses don't have to stay closed because the Covid is under control even though theres the threat of variants. I think folks were just tired of being cooped up and it was getting pretty serious for many businesses....the ones that didn't go under already. Things are still weird at work with me and you know who. I just decided its best not to speak unless its work related. I don't trust him. There were many instances where I should have known he wasn't a safe person. I guess I let my emotions (or his pheromones) cloud my mind. Yeah he's cute and I did enjoy talking with him at times yet there comes a time when we will all have to walk away from a toxic person or environment. Some days are harder than others but its getting easier I promise you. I realize there are people in my life and other things that should be getting my attention. So that helps. Like Alicia Keys said in a recent song..."Wasted energy" Some other folks here at work are strange with me too. As if I committed the unforgivable sin. I dunno. Perhaps in their eyes I did. One thing though I have to say is that the gay community seems much less reluctant these days to forgive anyone for anything. I'm not perfect and struggle with feelings of rage and hate but over time these things tend to fade. Especially when you realize you really have so many other things to worry about. Important things that really matter. Money. Career. Family and what you will do with the time you have left here you know? You just gotta make peace with the fact not everybody is gonna like you and keep it moving. Those who love us who we neglect....well when they are gone that pain and emptiness is a very real, serious and important thing that can keep coming back to tear at your spirit over the years. I have been calling Dad regularly to check on him. Yesterday was Fathers Day so it was another excuse to phone home. I meant to send him something but he has never texted me his mailing address. (I can't believe how un-computer literate this man is) I also called my Stepdad yesterday. He did help raise me after all. Eddie is from Trinidad and has been with my mother since dinosaurs walked the earth. I have one sister, a stepsister and one brother from him. I'm cool with the sisters but my brother has seemingly abandoned me. I guess I basically did the same thing in the 20 something years I was running around here in LA trying to find myself and keeping all my family at a distance. Its a double edged sword. Distance.
I should have called home more often. I should have been a bigger part of his life and now I barely know him. I feel like he's slipping thru my fingers and out of my life. But then again he was never really a part of my life. Dude has made some bad decisions and they say he smokes too much. One sister told him to lose her number. Still theres hope. Joshuazilla is still here. Crystal slipped right past me. Just like my cousin Montressa. My aunt Roquamae. My uncle Howard. My Grandmamas are both gone and I wish I could go back in time and just hug them one more time and tell them how much it means to me that they didn't give up on my hard headed ass. I'm not gonna lie....Crystals passing and funeral still feels surreal and foggy. It feels unreal that this perfectly cool woman with so much going for her is no longer alive. Its crazy that someone so good is gone and theres so much evilness left just walking around you know? So much about life doesn't make sense. Even after being here for 52 years so much is a mystery to me.
Despite all the gloom I have been able to kinda bounce back to being me. I am still getting work done on my comic and today I asked Damonzilla to direct the Sasquatch project for me in August. The script meanwhile is getting formatted. I'm thinking I might just do the film as three short parts. A three part webseries maybe? Need to get a solid budget though. I might go visit "Captain Liberia" next month or later this year. Gotta focus more on making sure I am saving more money because I plan to leave my job either Dec or early 2022. So I'm gonna cut out the luxury spending. No that does not mean I am giving up Netflix.
-To Be Continued-
(UPDATE: 6.26.2021) -To....Boom bap 90's instrumental mix-(Youtube) From Jan 26 2020.
So much of the time when I really think about it I feel a great sea of sadness...just thinking about how I have given so much of my life...my time and energy to fools...idiots. People who really didn't or don't appreciate me. People who don't for whatever reason see the good in me. People who have underestimated me...used me...people who I have put myself out there for... Theres a song by Jill Scott where she talks about bringing someone a peach cobbler and the person rejected it basically. Just recently I encountered some black people on the street and got like the most hostile exchange of energy when I attempted to greet them. That energy stayed with me for awhile and it made me think how badly I want to leave Cali because I don't want to get to the point where I'm thinking....this is normal...folks being nasty towards each other and I should just accept it. Its not normal actually. If anything its normal wanting to move somewhere far away where people are nice and respectful of each other. When I was back in North Carolina for Crystals service it really was something seeing so many folks...black folks all in one space being supportive and I guess it reminds me of something I have been missing for a long time now. It just recently dawned on me that I have suffered some sort of PTS over the years. Dealing with shit at work. Dealing with craziness in the streets and then coming home and having to deal with petty diabolical neighbors who seem intent on turning me into a crazed maniac. Its akin to being poked with a stick over and over for years. I think my brain is trying to heal but every now and then they will do something and I think its safe to say they have figured out my triggers. The thing about triggers is...well with me sometimes it takes me awhile to bounce back from when bad stuff happens and the fight or flight response is continuous. Its not meant to last for along time yet in some cases I get stuck in fight or flight mode. The body is still secreting these chemicals that theres still a threat. So since I don't come down I'm still stuck at this state of not being able to really relax. So yeah this is one of the reasons why I hate bullies so much. Just the other day I came across a video I had to share after seeing it on Facebook. In it this sister was having these kids yell insults at a piece of paper which she crinkled up the more they hurled insults. When the kids stopped she unfolded the paper and it was all wrinkly looking. Still paper yes but definitely affected by the shit it absorbed. I wonder how many other folks out there are living everyday of their lives in a hostile environment that is hindering their ability to be really mentally healthy? How much of me is me and not simply a reaction to people who are ugly inside? I think its safe to say we all have survival techniques. Some more unique than others.
My father said this to me a few times when I was in NC. He told me that he didn't want any of his children to feel he thought higher of Crystal than any of us. Its just that she needed more care and I completely understand that. I hope no one else made him feel otherwise. Crystal was dealing with alot so of course she would need more hands on than the rest of us. Its interesting to see people later in years expressing regret over things and then you're like..no it was never like that. I recall a cousin recently posting on Facebook that he was sorry if he in any way hurt anyone over the years. I know I have made some mistakes in life...hurt some people because I was young and stupid at one point. My cousin and I did butt heads in our youth but at some points we were very close. In fact there are plenty of good memories I have of cousins, family members and friends from back in the day. So it wasn't all bad you know? Some of those people from my past are foggy in my mind and I have to focus past the haze to regain those memories. (Why is it like that?) I find myself at times drifting way back far in my past and thinking of folks I left behind when I left NC. Some I can't see again because they have died. Some have outright shut me out of their lives. Like this one guy I met in summer school back when. Never ever did I do or say anything disrespectful to him yet one day when I managed to reach out after finding his phone number he (and his mother) told me because of what I was they couldn't associate with me. As if I had some terrible disease. Rejection is sometimes for your own good even if it might take you awhile to figure that out. Been rejected so much that it does seem like a re-occuring theme. Not saying EVERYBODY hates me (although there are moments I wonder) but theres always been a peculiar energy about California. I remember looking out the window of the Greyhound bus when I first came to LA and seeing some energy radiating from the mountains. Was kinda like heat vapors or something. Maybe that energy draws certain types of folks here and when you are not vibrating on that frequency its the reason why many of us struggle for success here even when on all accounts we should be VERY successful. I dunno. Having a good support system helps too. Could be a part of tapping into that energy? I think you tap into some of that energy when you are performing in concert or when alot of folks are following you on social media. Could be why its so addicting to folks. Its kind of like worship in a way I think. Crystal had a great support group and her parents have that too. Its powerful. It won't bring her back to life yet it its strong enough to keep the spirit of who she is/was around forever. (Perhaps literally and figuratively but alot of ya'll don't believe in ghosts. -What else could be making these elevators go up and down all night since everyone else left the building?- You believe in God, aliens, the devil and Illuminati but what-ever)
I wish I could go back in time. I could save my sister. Stop 911. (invest in Apple) Make sure some people never fall out of touch and let everyone I never told how much I love them. Instead of wasting energy on SO MANY knuckleheads. That image of my sister in that coffin is both vague and vivid at the same time. How does that even make sense? I'm still hoping this is all some bad pro-longed dream. So much floods my mind when I let it. Seeing my father barely able to stand and being supported...trying to comfort him...helping carry the coffin...seeing all the cars...eating all that food....re-uniting with some family I have not seen in many moons...hearing Geraline cry....seeing how strong my sister Stephanie was....quiet rage at where I was seated because I couldn't really see much of what was happening at the service even though we were in the front. I touched Crystal...as she lay there looking very much NOT like the person I remember. But I remember a cute little girl with ponytails and have very little recollection of the years between when she grew more and more sickly. It was beautiful and tragic at the same time as they lowered her into the ground and all I am left with is an aching emptiness and memories. Memories of what I had and can't get back. Then it makes me think of who is still here with me in the land of the living. It makes me think what am I gonna do with the time I have left. I can either miss another 20 years with loved ones or make sure the next 20 are awesome whilst maybe making up for lost time trying to rebuild some of those bridges. Just because some of the faces or memories are foggy doesn't mean we can't make new clear stronger memories right? Even if I never move back to NC I think its important to make sure I keep those who matter most closer to my heart. No more wasted energy. People did say to me a few times about Crystal "She's not in pain anymore" I hear that over the years about others too. Crystal battled several health issues. Sometimes I feel myself getting angry that we have not been able to overcome certain illnesses in society. Diabetes. Cancer. Asthma. High blood pressure. Mental illness. Sometimes I get the idea we are eating so much fucked up shit and being exposed to so much crazy energies and radiation is the reason so many folks have these problems and maybe the powers that be let it be due to population control. I just feel like it makes no sense some of the things we are having to deal with as a society. I feel so bad because I didn't even come home to see her when she lost her leg. I didn't visit my cousin Montressa either. Was so wrapped up in my own shit. Let me tell you...when you lose enough people eventually a light comes on and you realize you need to not let anymore slip thru your hands while you still have time left. It becomes much more apparent...the BS you need to let go. Also when you leave this plane of existence what do you want to be remembered for? Hopefully not for chasing after the affections of fools and idiots. In her passing Crystal managed to teach me a valuable life lesson and her funeral really was a celebration of a life well lived and loved. Genuinely loved by many because her strength and kindness touched so many. What else could be more important? Her memory will forever light the lives of all she touched and I made the decision (back in NC) that I will do my own tribute by naming the most powerful hero in my comics universe after my little sister. A constant reminder to hold on to what matters most.
