Confessions of a sad superhero book 48

 I wish my parents had taught me more about the importance and respect of money. I went to get my taxes done and yesterday and it really made me regret not being more diligent in saving. I mean now I get it (Just noticing this guy on camera here walking his goat outside) but it seems the real way to save money is to leave Cali. The cost of living here is so high. I need to set a date for moving I guess. Meanwhile I did set a date for leaving this job. It'll be when my comic is done. Time to take a break from Cali....

I went to the dentist and they told me I need 11 grand worht of work done and folks are telling me to go to Mexico but I need to replace the passport that villain stole from me back in 2018. Yet another case of a stupid human coming along and throwing my life into chaos. 

Its not been easy but I realize I've suffered fools. Falling for folks. Caring for folks who really don't care about me. Recently I decided I'm just gonna be better to myself in that regard. The idea of dating  and having a social life is nice yet its something that seems best put on hold for awhile. Folks are distant. I try to connect but nothing. Co-workers are distant. But maybe its something you know....about not letting yourself get too close to people at work. Could be one of those departmental things. You know....folks from ceratin departments only really associating with others in their department. I have noticed though some people with certain characteristics will be stand-offish. Of course I am aware there are rumors going around. Not that its my business right? People are gonna speculate about you when they don't understand you or if they might be intimidated by you having that magic or whatever it is you have that they don't. So I won't really be learning too much in the way of social interaction skills from these people who have no intention of interacting with me. Not to say I have learned nothing by observing people. 

Now that I am getting finished storyboards and edging towards completion of artwork for my comic its boosting my disposition... I get a good feeling of accomplishment just looking and seeing progress is being made in some area of my life. I've still not decided on what I will call my comic book anthology. Guess thats something I can work on this weekend. Was planning on going to see "Captain Liberia" next month but Ima put that on the back-burner. Instead what I'd like to do is start figuring out how I'm gonna do this video game discussion thing I've been mulling over these past few years. I have some ideas. Thought I  would show videogame play and discuss things with guests yet it doesn't appear anyone is interested so it'll likely just be me. I suspect I'll try to start something in Feb. Still not sure about this videogame production idea though....

I got chewed out by someone who was waiting to get let out of the garage. I mean it felt like....well I felt like a little child being scolded and I am soooo tired of feeling like an underling who is constantly at the mercy of someone and in danger of getting in trouble. I feel more like a responsible adult with some control when I am more in control over my life. But thing is this particular guy gives me a strange vibe. Like the person who smiles at you but somehow deep down inside you can tell they are a snake. 

Maybe someone I know is a secret asshole. Thats a person who is nice to you but mean to other folks. But there was that one time I saw them upset about something that happened with their work schedule. I saw a side of them that shocked me actually. Then just recently someone complained about how badly this particular person treated them. People can be totally different with you than how they are with others. Like the person who chewed me out...its probably safe to say he wouldn't have come at me the way he did if I was his supervisor or the person who signs his checks. Its dawning on me that I have never really experienced that kind of power over others. Seems folks always have the power and its messing with my development. My confidence. I'm not a child and I think I'm done feeling like one. I think well I know this type of job isn't doing any wonders for my self-esteem. I'm becoming aware of certain things contributing to me behaving a certain way. Being afraid to speak up for oneself does put you in a pretty messed up situation and some would abuse that power and treat you some kind of way especially if they feel you are beneath them because of what you do for a living. Every now and then I get reminded of that. Update: I just found out I am not the only person who has had run-ins with the person who chewed me out like I work for them. 

Update: Dude actually came back and apologized. That was cool and unexpected. Believe me I can count on one hand how many times people have ever apologized to me for anything. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 47

 "Triggers"

This morning on my way home from work I ran across the street because it looked as if my bus was coming. This brother I noticed saw me and seems he ran across the street too. It was weird because I was pretty sure out the corner of my eye I saw someone follow me but I was just trying to stay focused on the bus. I glanced over and noticed the guy there behind me so he goes "You got any cigarettes?" I said no. Then he goes something like "Ain't that some shit?" It was one of those weird situations as I really wasn't sure what dude wanted but I immediately went into "sentry mode" since i didn't know why dude chose to follow me if that was indeed what was going on. So he was sort of a trigger for me I guess. He even got on the bus behind me and seemed to want something as we went to get seats. He was kinda dark....a bit taller than me. Seemed kinda skinny and homeless-ish. He wore a polyester-type summer jacket. When I got off the bus and told the driver thank you like I usually do dude said "thank you" too. People are so weird sometimes. 

I came in to work tonight and after a spirited conversation with a co-worker about a game system I showed him I'd just gotten I went to the conference room in the back that I always hang out in and play video games till the start of my shift. This heavy set dude who is somewhat fem and seems to have a problem with me no matter how friendly I am to him was in the room. He had the door closed so I knocked before entering. I made a joke asking if he was naked before entering after I'd asked if it was okay to come in. Too edgy? Anyway dude jetted up out of the room and then tonight after leaving the building with another person who was very friendly and well mannered he simply looked past me as if I wasn't even there. So that was a trigger from the get go. I'm wondering whats going on with dude and if somebody said something about me behind my back to make him behave a certain kind of way towards me. Let me get one thing straight....I was raised to speak to folks and then there's stuff like holding the door open for folks or covering my mouth when I cough or sneeze. So it bothers me when people are just plain nasty or rude. Ask me again why over the years I have learned its best to stay the hell away from people because so many of them are fucked up and contact with so many fucked up folks in the past is part of why I have so many issues. Yeah I said THAT. Its crazy to understand you need contact with people to be a social being yet so many of them are so mean and full of shit it can be difficult to weed out who is or isn't worth your time. 

Its said many of us have "triggers". It can be a sound. It can be a smell or something somebody says then you just go to a different space. I've had instances where something someone said or did ruined my day because it just stuck with me. Negative energy just shot through my body and the adrenalin started flowing and it took like forever for me to come down from that shit. Could be something you might think is small or silly yet to someone else it could be a spirit crushing epic event. I remember talking to Captain Liberia awhile back about negative minded mean spirited folks and he said something interesting about how in certain job fields certain personality traits would not be tolerated. Just makes me wonder about the class of individuals I have so much contact with and why it can be so hard to find success. Negativity. Close mindedness. Naysayers. Crabs in a bucket so to speak. I've noticed at times I can be enthusiastic about something and another person can simply cut me or dismiss my ideas. I try to be careful about letting others influence me because I think it can be an easy thing you know? Enough critics say a movie or song is bad or what someone is wearing sucks then people tend to jump on board. Why do so many of us do things we do? Are we simply reacting and its something we do so often since we are used to it? This "triggers" thing goes very deep indeed. A guy once told me I think too much and I do wonder if a segment of the population is afraid of those of us who dare to ask questions. But if I am afraid to ask and learn as much as I can doesn't that limit my development as a sentient being?

Confessions of a sad superhero book 46

Went to the dentist yesterday and had my mind blown by how much its gonna cost even with insurance to get work done. I need implants. I need caps. Also I need to get a root canal done. All of this adds up to 11 thousand dollars. Talk about depressing. Speaking of  "the D word" I don't know whats been wrong with me lately....just been feeling so fatigued and in a funk. Videogames and other stuff helps don't get me wrong but mentally I keep feeling sluggish. Its as if someone has somehow snatched all the joy away. Well not all of it. I manage to bounce back but lately its been stronger than usual. So often I've just wanted to stay in bed. I'm still working on cleaning up my place. Been making some baby steps. 

I'm fighting a war with roaches. I have so many traps and devices to combat these ultimate pests but they seem to be coming from some other apartments. They reproduce so quickly and have so many babies its almost impossible to get rid of them. Throwing the trash out and using plastic bags for everything is a must. I've even had to put some of my electronic devices in plastic bags for protection. An ultrasonic device I have supposedly hurts them but the other night while I was sitting in bed one crawled on me so probably the damn thing isn't working. I mean I have superhuman hearing and I don't hear ANYTHING. We have to be careful about water too. Like if you wash your hands try not to leave droplets at the sink and they also drink from the toilets or bathtubs. So I learned to place traps near the water sources and to pour bleach in the toilet. Sometimes you can use ajax or comet with bleach. They eat soap and cardboard so theres that to worry about. Its crazy but this may be the one thing which eventually makes me move out of the apartment. Rent is cheap and its a cool location yet its bothersome having to deal with this shit on top of everything else going on. 

There was a guy jacking off here at work and I just couldn't believe it. Lately encounters with homeless mentally ill folks have increased everywhere in Cali. Some encounters have been violent and its disturbing when you see stuff on the news about innocent people being hurt, stabbed or killed after some unprovoked attack. I've had sooo many bad situations on public transportation, on the streets or even on my job and there really doesn't seem to be a clear solution. You see tents all over the place now and I think the city is getting tired of this as clean-up operations are on the rise. Literal sting type operations are being performed where law enforcement sweeps in on these huge encampments and tell everyone to pack up their shit and leave. I think because of the relatively warm weather people come to Cali because they can sleep on the streets without freezing even when the temperature drops. Covid really doesn't seem to be affecting the homeless population which is kinda weird unless they are mostly immune? As far as Covid goes sometimes it seems things are rolling back to how it was in early 2020 (without folks buying all the toilet paper!) I need to go stock up on lysol even though I try to remain environmentally aware when using it. Yeah I do care about the planet. I'm trying to cut back on using plastic bottles and even bags when I go get groceries yet its so hard man. 

So Covid is still fucking things up. We had to get the booster shots or they would've shown us the door. I dread to think we need even more shots. It appears the schools have kinda gone back to normal. Masks and social distancing are the new norm now though. Crime seemed to drop when all this started. Pollution too I guess. But as the reality of this gets more common or normal life folks are back to doing crazy shit again. You still can't just walk into a store to purchase a PS5 or get one online. (Often if you do find one you have to pay a high ass price for it) This is because of scalpers or bots. Its just as hard getting an Xbox Series S. As incredible as that sounds these machines are still managing to sell like hotcakes. Microsoft bought Activision the other day for like 70 billion dollars and Sony lost like 20 billion in stock. About stock I've started messing around with that but I'll talk more about it later....

 Confessions of a sad superhero book 45

I got the stupid booster shot and it actually made me kinda sickish. I woke up later that day with body aches and flu-ish symptoms. I almost called off work but I decided ultimately to come in. My supervisor called to tell me they were indeed terminating people who didn't get the booster but it was already too late as I'd gotten the shot earlier. 

One of the artists who is doing work on one of my comics had to take some time off from doing work because he came down with Covid and my therapist has been missing sessions alot since she got over her bout with "The C" In all honesty I've been dealing with alot of my issues myself these past few months and don't really think I need therapy anymore. It does help to have someone to talk to but maybe like any crutch I have simply moved beyond needing it. 

Almost ordered a backdrop today from Amazon. Figure it would be good to have one to use for when I start my videos again. Whenever that will be. Thing is it seems you need to order a stand separately. I guess a more expensive set up would come with its own stand and whatnot. Still I've not decided where to do the videos. Basically I'd just talk about vidoegames,music and other pop culture stuff. My apartment has thin walls and I have nosey ass neighbors who will probably knock on the walls to disrupt my recordings so thats why I wanna look for another location to record. Also I gotta hire a camera person. Oh speaking of hiring folks I tried to find someone to help me launch a videogame project using Craigslist and ran across a scammer who kept blowing my phone up with text messages. I had to cut him off after doing some research on others who tried to work with him. The way the world is now its crazy that we have to deal with folks who try to scam or take advantage of you. The computer hackers and bots online are bad enough but now companies are trying to spy on us or lock us into subscription services. I'm starting to really understand why some folks hate the internet and think its evil.

 Confessions of a sad superhero book 44

They are making it mandatory now for us to get that booster shot for Covid. I honestly don't wanna do it but I need this job so....theres that. I have been here for awhile so the pay is decent and this company has some awesome benefits plus I'm still working on my comics and film projects so I need the steady cash flow. Also I am still leaning towards moving and putting some of my stuff in storage this year is not an option. Its a must. I said for my new years resolution I was gonna set a date for moving yet that hasn't happened as I need to be careful because I don't wanna put myself in a stressful situation. Worrying about paying bills and keeping a roof over ones head is certainly high up there in the stress department. At this point it feels like theres really no way to live a totally stress free life. I mean....here at work co-workers stress me out. People in the street around here stress me out. Last week a crazy guy jumped up yelling and acted like he wanted to fight me when all I did was open the door to go out to the 7/11 and tonight on the bus a crazy guy was standing up babbling loudly to himself and he wasn't wearing a mask.  I had to stand in line behind a person at 7/11 tonight who was taking forever because his card was getting declined then as I was heading towards the store some person who sounded like a trans man cat called me loudly from a car. Thats a thing too. People sitting in their cars watching you and sometimes they'll cruise you or shine the lights in your face to be obnoxious. Sometimes I am hard on myself for all the mental issues I have then I remember its largely from dealing with disturbed individuals thats contributed heavily toward me being this way. So yeah I do try to stay the hell away from people when I can.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 43

Well 2021 flew by and its already nearly halfway thru Jan. It feels kinda weird writing 2022 honestly. But its here and its a whole new year of changes. So much has changed since I last wrote here. The officer I was having issues with has left the company. Actually quite a few people no longer work here in different departments. Some left because of Covid related issues. Some found better jobs. Some folks went back to school. I think I may be leaving soon myself. Just trying to get some things done before I make that move. I was pretty sick myself last month. Not sure if it was Covid or not but I was in bed for like four days and lost my appetite. I had a long lasting headache along with hot and cold flashes. Also food tasted weird for a few days. My therapist told me she had Covid which was why we haven't been having regualr sessions for awhile. We have been talking via phone since Covid hit in 2020. Its so hard to believe two years have flown by. I think the world is still in some strange funk since it all began and in some ways it seems we may be going backwards due to emerging new strains. I have noticed people are weird. Weirder than usual. Standoffish. Tempermental and in some cases I know misdirected anger or frustration has been leveled my way. I myself have been feeling in some ways mentally sluggish. Like its hard to stay motivated or focused in some aspects. Creatively I have struggled to maintain momentum and videogames have been a godsend for exercising these brain cells. Romantically I feel numbed. Like I REALLY may have given up. Then again now is not the ideal time for dating I think. As funky as I feel at times at least I can look at the progress of my comic book projects. We will be done pretty soon. Also I am leaning heavily towards becoming a certified content creator on social media but this is something I wanna take my time to plan out carefully. I'm still looking for a structure for my program and I have a few ideas. It would be nice to involve some others to help but you know how it is trying to get folks motivated about anything unless money is involved. So initially (at least) it may simply be me and a camera person. Production meanwhile has stalled on the Sasquatch film however I am working on just releasing the footage we shot because I don't wanna sit on this any longer. It has been two years after all....