THE UNDESIREABLE(?)

Yesterday I saw a white man walking

He stopped and turned around

The same way so many people have done

When I’m walking behind them

And its really why I have a serious pet peeve

About walking behind people

Because they stop,slow down,speed up

As if they think I’m following them or something.

Its almost the same as locking your doors

When I walk by

So I said

Mostly under my breath

yet loud enough for him to hear I’m sure

“I’m not interested in anything you have”

I was shocked when he said

“good morning” as he was going to his car.

I said good morning and kept going.

Partially I felt

Diffused

Confused.

Had I misinterpreted him?

Sometimes I’m so used to people hating me

I might even imagine it when its not there

Sometimes.

Sometimes its hard to tell

Friend from foe.

This world has traumatized me.

I wear the wounds of war

On my very aura.

Its true.

 ****

THE LOST BABY

He’s leaving

Moving so far away

When will I see him again?

I’m gonna have to get used to living alone again.

But its certainly felt as if

I have been living alone

This past year and a half

In a way.

You don’t touch me

Barely kiss me

(Until its time for sex)

We rarely talk on the phone.

How often have you bothered to skype me on that tablet I gave you?

Never.

You say you care man

But I don’t know how much I believe you.

Your actions have me so perplexed

I don’t know whether to be jubilant you are leaving

Or overcome with grief.

You made me love you with my emergency brakes on.

Is it all in my mind

You’re sharing yourself with me

Sharing another part of you

With whoever that “he” is

That I once tasted on your lips?

****

DE-EVOLUTION

Aren’t we supposed to be getting better?

Yet its definitely getting worse here in this place.

Killing

Murdering

Terroristing

Environmentally destructing

So much that

The animals don’t have anywhere to go

and they come

risking life and limb

to eat the trash.

How did we get here?

Can’t turn on the news

(Man this world is changing)

Without hearing about some awful tragedy

And you tell me

Oh its so depressing and not to talk or dwell on these things

But how can I not THINK about this shit

Because its everywhere.

When I’m in the movies

And the guy gets up to pee

I’m wondering whether

Its gonna be some gun blasting attack.

I miss how life used to be.

Scary as it was at times

We never quite lived in times like this.

I feel like its taking a toll on me

And I just try to fight through this anxiety.

Anxiety caused by living with

A constantly de-evolving human race.

****

THE SOULMATE

They say he comes around here

Some have seen him.

He’s one of them.

Like the one who came to me as a child

Tickled me in the dark

And although I could feel the danger

In his cold embrace

I felt so safe. Does that even make sense?

 

I think maybe the cat used to play with him you know?

When he wasn't just staring into space at something no one else could see

He or the dog would just jump up and dash out of the room as if chasing

or being chased....

They say he walks around in here

Pacing back and forth

And he does know all our secrets

What power he has

To see and hear all

To snap us out of self doubt.

Not the enemy

Gives a soft reassuring touch on the shoulder at times.

He’s not at all intrusive.

Some are you know?

Like the one who visited me

Took of my love and I awoke feeling someone had entered “that dark cave”.

No this guy

He’s the friend everyone wants

Not judging or anything because he knows everything

And all I can do is wonder what it would be (or have been) like to have a friend such as he who was alive.

What if we have met or were supposed to have been….something great?

What if he is the one from that dream

tall with a fade

facial hair

brown skin

and with a warm touch that made everything feel alright.

I think I saw him back in 1993

on wilshire

What if he passed on

but....

What if he's trapped here

soul couldn't move on

anchored by my pain?

Is he "him"???

What if....?

 

 

(Soundtrack by Foreign Exchange. Of course)

Here we are closing in on the end of November. Its been a crazy year to be sure. I’m still reeling from everything that’s happened. The betrayal of a once trusted editor who I found out the hard way was not my friend at all. I may never know why dude decided to just pocket that four hundred dollars knowing it would put me in a terrible situation. I may never understand why he kept all the footage I gave him over a thousand dollars to shoot. Its likely I’ll never see that footage again or my fog machine which he also kept. What makes people do these things and burn bridges? I may never quite understand but I am certain I will not let anyone else do that to me again. Never again. My roomie/semi lover is about to move out. This is something he’s been planning for awhile. He’s going to North Dakota where he says the jobs and costs of living are more agreeable than here in sunny Cali.  Its been so sunny here in fact it hasn’t really rained in awhile which has more than a few of us concerned. Hopefully I can move out of Cali sometime in the summer because I do not wanna move to Detroit when its cold. I’m about to go into production on my first full length film this month. The script is done. Its four short stories that sorta kinda tie in together. It’s the SonsofLegend full length film I was born to make and its gonna feature Sons and its three spinoff series. I’m excited about it and equally excited about the well known director who gave me this opportunity to screen and help me market it when its done. Theres even some investment help waiting in the wings. It’s a ture blessing after all I’ve been thru getting my concepts developed you know?

Thought I’d found a writing partner in this guy from Germany but he wants like two grand to help me out. Now if I had it maybe I’d give him a whirl but right now I just cannot afford dude. One of my co-workers died last month and it was so surreal. This guy was in his 70’s and they say he may have had a heart attack. He didn’t come in to work one night so one of the other officers went to his home to check on him and she discovered him there having passed away. He had my old shift which included weekends. For a moment I considered bidding on it but I have grown so accustomed to being here in this empty building away from other co-workers and clients and just people in general. My tolerance for people has dwindled so much over time and I do THANK my next door neighbors for that because they tried so hard for years to make me move out of my apartment. Because of them I have to at times fight against a distrust of other middle eastern folk. The hard truth.

One of my buddies is in town this weekend. He’s a cute 33 year old guy from Maryland who’s here in Vegas for some sort of conference event. I hate that I wasn’t able to afford to go and see him when he’s this close but I dunno maybe its best that we get to know each other better. Honestly I don’t think he’s really ready to date me or anyone else now as he has soooooo much shit going on. He’s heavily involved in the community plus he’s a teacher so his workload is tremendous. But he is sooooooo damn cute. My roomie and I….well things are gonna be different between us what with him leaving soon. He’ll be in Dakota to get his job and apartment set up on Thanksgiving then in December he’s going back to move there permanently. I’m gonna have to get used to him not being around yet in reality it felt like that so much of the time as dude has been so emotionally unavailable part of me has grown accustomed to it. So I hope I can meet someone more emotionally here who can actually act like a real lover you know? Theres a guy who recently came back into my life but I found out he’s HIV+ which is something that makes him kinda push people away out of fear of infecting them. Speaking of HIV…. I met this guy on my last trip to Detroit who ended up sleeping with me after what was supposed to be a massage session. Next thing I know things got real intimate and he was climbing up on top of the table to do even more exploring. Thing is the condom broke and we moved into another room to get more cozy on the bed and I really don’t think he used a condom the whole time in the bed because he jumped up saying how he didn’t come. Then afterwards he admitted he was positive and on this drug called Prep or Stipla or something that’s supposed to make the HIV hard to pass plus he says he’s HIV undetectable which is apparently a thing now. You can imagine I was destroyed for weeks after having sex with him until I got my HIV results back. So I am negative but now I am just so worried about having sex with anyone I don’t know. ANYONE. As if life isn’t insane enough we have been experiencing more police brutality events,hacking nonsense, school shootings,global warming and hit and run incidents here in Cali plus terrorists are making themselves more prominent in the news with recent attacks on Paris and Canada,plane bombings and more on camera beheadings. Cali is also in the midst of a water shortage. Sometimes it feels like the whole world is going insane. People robbing each other in broad daylight and on camera….breaking into peoples homes while they’re at home. Homeless folks sleeping everywhere with tents all over the sidewalks. Sometimes its like walking thru a camp when I am on my way to work. Theres also a growing number of mentally ill folks roaming the streets who need care. And yep some could even be dangerous. Out here in this world we live in people seem to not even want relationships anymore either. As much as I fantasize about being with some guy oneday or having my own family often it feels this will only be a fantasy since everyone around me seems to have forsaken the very concept of marriage or commitment. Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep for a hundred years and maybe wake up when people have evolved more beyond just being undeveloped and immature. I do have my outlets to help me cope….videogames,comics,traveling,music and movies,writing/being creative and nature outings but when I dwell too much in the reality of the world it makes me feel my nerves are at a breaking point. I’m not getting enough sleep which has been the case for awhile now. Could be a sign for me to finally get serious about getting myself in better shape but thats a whole other conversation....

Thought I’d be able to go see family this holiday but that’s gonna sadly have to wait till 2016 because right now the ful length film has gotta get my focus. Not like I have the money anyway right? Probably next year I’ll take a full month off to give myself a proper vacation and time to rebond with the family before they forget I exist. My brother is just gone. Joshua is a distant memory to me. He’s become a stranger since he joined the military and got married. Now he’s actually a father. I really wish I’d done more to get to know the brother I always prayed and wished for. Maybe sometime in the future we’ll have some chances to really be brothers to each other. As it stands we don’t know each other. As it stands I blame myself for that. I was not an emotionally available big brother. So obsessed with getting successful so that I would feel worthy as a person and able to actually contribute something to this world….this life….my family. It was/is a sacrifice but I am getting closer to that goal where my parents can really say they’re proud of my accomplishments. Its difficult for some of us to really feel accomplished when the finances are not in order.

It certainly looks like Donald Trump is gonna become the next president of the US. As entertaining as he can be at times this man tends to say a lot of things that really scare and shock me. Its equally shocking that a person who seems so disconnected from reality and the general public might be considered fit to run this country. For a moment it appeared we might have another Black guy in the white house but as cute as Ben is he’s scary and detatched too. Forget the fact he’s republican. I just have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that people who are so powerful and supposedly intelligent can say some of the things they do and still have supporters. Right now there isn't anyone dem or republican I'm interested in voting for. 

So the holidays are coming. Black Friday is almost upon us and soon it’ll be Christmas. Already put my lights on in the window okay. But this holiday I gotta go do something cool for myself. Since I can’t go visit family perhaps a little trip over into San fran might be in order. Nothing wrong with having some fun by yourself you know? Fuck this waiting around for some dude who may not even exist. Fuck all the feeling sorry for myself because I don’t measure up to some folks expectations. I’m here now and even though things could be better I still have a pretty decent amount of enjoyment left in this life of mine.