The weekend came and went. It went by so fast. Actually time seems to have sped up these days. They say its like that when you get older. We are still trying to process the shooting that just happened I think. The streets seem colder and lonelier now. Somewhat foreboding. The guard I relieved said the previous shift was crazy because everyone is on edge. People are sad but people are mostly keeping it in even though you can see they're sad. I was thinking about going to the candlelight vigil they had at In the Meantime which is a black gay get together type of group. I used to go to In the Meantime but I stopped going partly because I didn't fit in and because of the location. The time the group was held meant I'd have to jump on the bus after an hour then head straight to work. I got a text from the group about a candlelight vigil being held. Considered going but I would have had to take an Uber or Lyft. Had to do some work on a script and that took longer than it should have because of my slow ass computer. Ended up having to catch a Lyft to work at the last minute. One of my associates said he wasn't going to any vigils. He's of the mind its just better/safer to stay home. Especially now the way things are. Crowded places with a lot of people could be trouble. Yesterday after I got home I saw on the news I'd narrowly avoided an incident at Hollywood and Highland which is where I catch the train at every morning after work. Police were on the site looking around because of some suspicious looking liquid they found. This type of thing seems to occur every so often but I think someone could be doing this stuff and testing to see what happens. They might even be taking notes you know? The guy who shot up the club Sunday morning in Orlando Florida (according to what I read on yahoo news) actually went to the gay club about a dozen times. He'd go there and have some drinks. He spoke to people and acted out sometimes after drinking. He was obviously casing the place. Probably building up his nerve for what He'd planned. And its creepy to know he used sites like Grindr or Adam4Adam. I have used Adam4Adam many times over the years and met some decent people here and there but there are some really bad elements of gay society on that site. Like I said there are some nice folks sprinkled here and there but there are so many fake profiles. People from other countries asking for money. People asking you to "be generous" with them if you wanna get with them (which is kinda like being a prostitute in my opinion) Then theres the nasty ass and dick photos people have in their profiles. Often even as the profile photo. That's just nasty and so many gay men act like theres absolutely nothing wrong with showing off photos like that even if its not their own privates in the pic.

So the guy was possibly struggling with his sexuality and maybe he just couldn't deal with it. And he snapped partially due to it. Sometimes when people hate gays so much its because they are secretly experiencing these feelings themselves. I remember how uncomfortable I was when dealing with my gayness initially but I educated myself and came to terms with it over time. So I dealt with my coming out logically. There is no logic whatsoever in taking a gun and mowing down a bunch of complete strangers because you hate what you are and please don't give me that shit about "GOD told you to do it" If you can't prove to me some deity in fact gave you a command then I don't believe you and you're just full of shit. Or mental. These deities you worship (if they really exist) have been around much longer than you or anyone else and it makes no sense they need you to do anything for them. You think they couldn't whip up another flood if gay people pissed them off so much? No they don't need you. You need to feel important or a part of something. You need attention or you've simply been brainwashed into buying into another of mankinds great lies.

Dudes father has a tv show that's taped here in Cali. He said he was against what his son did. Supposedly months ago the kid saw some gay men kissing and it really pissed him off. His father told him that God would eventually punish the gays for what they are doing. Punish us for what? Punish us for daring to love each other? Yeah some of us are disgusting scum with no morals or self respect but the same can be said of straight people. For someone who is supposedly so terrible there are some truly awesome gay people who have contributed great things to our society as a whole. Music,art,dance,inventions,medicine,literature. Anyone with common sense should eventually start to question anything that they cannot see with their own eyes or prove. Folks get so caught up in this religious crap and it destroys them from within. It cripples their ability to think for themselves. It punishes those who dare to stray and stifles creativity at times. Yes it does keep some people from going too far with their evilness but its probably safe to say religion isn't for everyone. These are just things people made up to help them make sense of whats out there. Or who is out there. For the record I do not believe we are alone but I do believe most of us have it all WRONG.

The shooters name is Omar and its freaky how much he looks like a Hispanic guy I recently dated. I dreamed about him yesterday too. Things were cool with us at first and I was wondering if something special would come out of us.... It was a pretty bad situation that took place in Detroit. Mostly it was a misunderstanding and an attempt I think to manipulate me. It was a freaky situation because I really liked this guy but he will never know because I had to cut him loose for trying to sabotage one of my film shoots. He almost did truthfully. Anyway Omar beat his ex wife. She said he was abusive....bipolar and that there was just something wrong with him. Some of his former co-workers described him as having a temper and he was on the FBI's list of possible problems but I guess they never really had anything to pin on him and they obviously can't predict the future so THAT happened. We may never really know what was going on with this guy. Although Isis is now saying they are behind it. Could be they just wanna take credit for it. That's what Obama believes. He says it was a homegrown act. But it is strange that this man picked up the phone and called authorities to pledge his allegiance with the terror group before he went back inside. He took hostages too. Thankfully the swat team blew up portions of the bathroom walls to extract the people trapped and they were able to take him down. Theres an eerie video a girl made on her phone probably just seconds before getting shot. Also one incredibly handsome brother managed to text his mom right before the gunman entered the restroom where he and others were hiding. As I type this the anger washes all over me again that so many promising young lives were taken so needlessly by such a fucking coward. I wish Obama would straight up ban guns but there would be a fight. NRA and the right to bear arms you know.

People were lined up for hours in Orlando to give blood (for the victims of the shooting). There was an issue with some gay and bi men donating blood. Seems the law there is that you can't give blood unless you haven't had sex for a year. Just in case of STD. Meanwhile here in Cali the mood is weird. We just had gay pride weekend but now of course no one feels like celebrating anything. Its all surreal. Katy Perry tweeted "I just can't believe that this is the world we live in" There was a police presence here on the job earlier. Everyone was constantly on their guard. No one could really sit down and it was quite intense. That's what the guard I relieved told me. They want us to be in the parking lot often. Make ourselves visible you know? If they want guards walking around outside at night they should hire two per building for safety. That's what I would do. I'm sure we're gonna see some changes in procedures now. What I do not get is how did the guy get inside the club with a gun? At the Catch One club years ago when I'd go they would wand us down at the door to make sure there were no weapons. So maybe people need to (just like at airports) empty their pockets and let everything go thru an Xray machine before entering. Then they need to stand in a booth that Xrays them before they can come in to get their stuff out of a tray. Come to think of it they do this in courts and govt buildings too. Its gonna take a long time to get in the clubs and the lines will be long but this is simply another freedom we're gonna have to sacrifice all in the name of security. Either that or everyone will be walking around paranoid and afraid to go out anywhere. Obama has had to deal with 14 shootings like this since in office. Its like someone is trying to tear him down or something but I don't see how he's gonna come out of his presidency without doing something radical to end these shootings. The proverbial writing is on the wall.

I guess you could say the last few days have been epic. As much as people like to throw that word around I can think of no other to sum up recent events. And as sleepy as I am I will still do my best to convey my thought processes. This morning I took a LYFT home from work. (LYFT is one of those taxi-like services like UBER only hella cheaper than actual taxis or cabs cost. Example....last night I was running late to work because my usual train didn't go all the way to Highland and so I had to catch a taxi which thank the gods was parked out front when I exited the train station on Hollywood & Vine. The taxi cost like 7 and some change. I put a 2 dollar tip but a LYFT would have only cost $5.00. $7.00 if I gave a $2.00 tip. Now before LYFT and UBER became a thing a tax ride would have cost like $10.00 plus tips but they lowered prices in order to compete. Yay for consumers right?) So anyways I caught the LYFT home and had one of those non-talkative types. Ended up giving him 3 stars on the App when I got home. When I got in they were talking about some shooting on KCRW that had happened in Orlando. I was curious and turned on the Xbox One then went to the ABC news App to see what was going on. Boy was I in for a shock. 50 people dead and 53 wounded at a nightclub in Orlando. The was a tearful mother crying and talking about her son who she was still looking for and footage of people leaving the club covered in blood and some helping carry their wounded friends from the area. Man/woman I was trying so hard to take all this in and just feeling the anger building up inside. All I could think really was how sick and tired I am of these crazy radical people who keep doing all these shootings as they gradually cause our governments to strip us of our privacy among other things. But what gets me is why the hell doesn't the god you worship do something about us as gay people as a whole if he or she has such a problem with us? Of course the answer is simple to any fool able to think logically. God or the gods or whoever obviously has no problem with anyone and they certainly do not need anyone to go out and get a gun and appoint themselves as spokespersons. Why would any deity need that? Then again you have mentally ill folks running around....running away from themselves and they act out this frustration shit on us instead of finding constructive solutions to their issues. Worst they get influenced by some madman with a religious cause. My opinion is a lot of people just wanna fuck shit up anyway and they use the religion as an excuse for acting out. I was so disgusted and upset by everything I saw on the news I wasn't able to go to sleep until somewhere around noon. Normally I am asleep by around 8am-ish.

Woke up around 7pm-ish and noticed someone had left me a voicemail about something that happened in Weho. I was like "Ugh not another one" so I turned on the tv but the reception was soooooo bad on ABC although I did see some people in drag being interviewed about something that happened. Turned on the WiiU and went straight to yahoo.com then it was there I saw that a young white guy had gotten apprehended by cops. They took some guns and stuff for explosives from his car. Apparently he'd been planning to go to gay pride to fuck up some shit today but someone called the cops on his ass after seeing him prowling around. I was dragging so bad because my brain was struggling to get back online I ended up taking a LYFT in to work after running to the golden arches for two of their $5.00 items. A fish sandwich and some (is it really) chicken nuggets. Came in here and was told to go outside to count the trucks in the lot as well as to stay present in the lot. Like I don't already do that. Okay. So as a result of what happened we are on extra alert. Gotta say all these years I have worked here I am surprised some fool hasn't tried something crazy. I remember years ago when I had to stand outside in front of the village building (I do security for the LGBT center) I'd always be thinking in my mind some moron is just gonna drive by, yell fag and throw rocks at me or worse but thankfully nothing ever happened. One of the other guys who worked here said he used to think the same thing.  I have heard stories from some of the guards. Straight guards mind you. People would drive by and throw things at the glass doors and yell faggit. One of the straight women who works here said she was standing in line at a store and I guess the guy saw here LGBT staff shirt and said "I hate gay people". That just seems so ironic to me. But just because someone works for a LGBT organization doesn't mean they are in fact gay. This is a cool company to work for with great benefits. How the hell can you be mad at someone because of where they work anyway? Madness.

So more info on the Orlando shooting has started to surface. It was a young man of middle eastern descent. Handsome but angry and his ex said he was abusive. Mentally ill and that he also beat her. Apparently he 'd called the cops and pledged allegiance to ISIS before he went off on his shooting spree in the club. The other guy who tried to go shooting in Weho was an angry looking white kid. I could tell by looking at his photo that something wasn't quite right about dude. I dunno. Are these guys secretly gay and this is how they deal with the conflicting emotions that can come with this realization and inability to process who they are in a society that will never completely accept them? I think many of us are traumatized in some way. I have had some truly fucked up shit happen to me in my life. I have had true villains smile in my face and even sleep in my bed and break bread with me then turn around and literally stab me so matter of factly then never show any remorse for their actions. As a result its tough for me at times to be around people. I try to stick to myself as much as I can as I simply do not trust people anymore. Gay people. Straight people. Other black people. Crazy entitled white people who just don't know how to channel their own dis-satistfaction with life. So they turn on someone else they deem somehow responsible for their grief. So my thoughts on people is that despite all the good and wonder thay can achieve many are just DANGEROUS because its so easy for them to hurt each other instead of you know offering a hug which is something I've not had in a good while. Yes I have done some bad things in my life but ultimately I am a good person with morals who values life. Even life of the truly despicable. So therin lies proof I still have some of my humanity left in this world which seems intent on taking it from me.  Been hurt. Been treated badly as if I was some walking disease. The pain was so great then can the realization I felt better about myself working nights,throwing myself into my art and working nights, keeping people at a distance as I strive to heal my mind. I try not to even dwell upon the kind of person I'd be had it not been for the few people who believe in me or the comic books,videogames or friendly animals that helped instill in me a strong sense of truth justice and awe of life. It is because I see that some never had such positive reinforcements in their lives that I try to not rush to judge them so harshly even after they have done such terrible things. Still the reality some won't accept is that there are some we cannot save. If we didn't believe that on some levels police and soldiers wouldn't be allowed to kill.

Friday we filmed some pick up scenes for a Sins of Legend episode that should be coming out next month. I had some footage already shot a few months back but decided there was something missing so Friday we shot what is basically supplemental footage. Its important footage though because some of it will directly impact what happens in the SonsofLegend full length film I'm doing with the blessing of Uwe Boll. This is something I have kept mostly secret till now except from people within my circle. I had one actor text me Thursday to say he had been booked on something else. Personally I think he just flaked but I was able to replace him with another cool actor who kinda favored him. Now another actor ended up flaking as well. He is a very handsome middle eastern guy struggling with a turbulent love life and a general lack of direction in his life. It was my goal to have him portray a very important character in the SOL film after introducing him in this Sins episode but since he wasn't responding to my calls or emails I had no choice but to replace him or risk standing around on filming day waiting for him not to show up. It just so happened I had another actor on standby who'd initially said he wanted to be in the shoot then he said he couldn't. I actually replaced him with the actor who looked like the actor I needed a replacement for. Yeah I know its confusing. So I told due since he said he was unable I replaced him but since my middle eastern dude wasn't responding to my calls he could have his role. A main actor had me worried because he also never replied to any of my emails requesting his confirmation vai a reply. He also didn't pick up or return my calls. At the last minute he showed up just as me and another actor were going over an alternative scene we'd planned to shoot. Had to rush off to my job to get a mandatory TB test result but they were able to film a scene without me being there. They couldn't really wait and I'd gotten stuck in traffic on the way back with Louiezilla (Editor and sound guy). We grabbed pizza for everyone as well so that contributed to the hold-up.  Our original cinematographer (Jessica) had canceled as she'd been booked on a big production at the last minute. Ended up using Robert who is working with me on my LGBT short film for next year. (We already shot some scenes at his house which is also where we shot on Friday) Robert is hella cheaper than Jessica and his camera equipment is nearly equal so there shouldn't be a noticeable difference when we combine the footage. Rob used to put out his own webseries called "The bratty anti-Christ". Eventually we're gonna do a cross-over with DragonManx. I have some crazy ideas! The day was looong especially since I'd not slept the night before. Some caffeine helped but man I was so sleepy I kept nodding off in the car on the way home when Louiezilla was talking to me about his recent house selling adventure. The scenes were one involving the character Angkor having a revealing argument with the girl he's seeing whom he had been lying to and the other scene involved DragonManx showing up to drop of a potential Sins recruit who needs some direction in his life. We filmed from 10am till about 6pm-ish. What started out as a nice cool overcast day turned into a HOT sun blasted ordeal. But there was food. Since Rob is cheaper I had more moolah to spend on food and beverages for everyone. Also it wasn't that big of a deal having to pay folks more when we went over on their time. I paid some in checks but I'm gonna regret that soon because I need to order more checks since I accidentally washed a bunch of them over a week ago. Paid some folks via paypal which is such a great convenience even though theres a 3 day wait for processing. It feel good to not be completely broke after a shoot. Gotta get back to spending like $500.00-$600.00 per episode like it was in the old days. It feels good to know another episode is done though. Probably gonna film right up till august then gonna give myself a break so I can start saving money to move. Whats next is putting together a shoot for Detroit later this month (and one in August that I will likely attend as a birthday gift to self). Gotta get more shirts made and some jackets. Need to get the soundtracks done for these projects which is gonna involve hiring some local and not so local talent! Of particular interest to me is a young very hungry rapper from London and a composer who lives in Kansas(?) Then theres the Detector Pig cartoon,some comic book plans and a videogame project. But this stuff is likely for 2017. My four webseries will return to Youtube refreshed and semi-rebooted with four new episodes later this year so somebody is gonna be pretty busy. I think its safe to say goodbye to whatever semblance of a love life one might have had although The Crazy African says he's visiting in July....

(At work listening to Accoustic Soul playlist on spotify)

11:25pm

"Whenever the warrior goes into battle he or she realizes it could be the last and they will never underestimate the enemy. They will show no weakness and learn from any mistakes....quickly"


I woke up today with alot on my mind as usual. Brushed the teeth. Showered. Ate a couple of chicken hot dogs with ketchup and mustard on em after microwaving them. Of course I didn't make the mistake of microwaving the bread again like I did yesterday. That makes the bread hard and definitely not enjoyable to eat. Watched Deadpool via amazon streaming thru my Xbox 360 slim. Thats the newer one I got that works alot better than the older one I only keep because it still allows me to access my downloaded characters (Shuma and Jill) for Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom. I usully play that game at least every other night with this guy I've known for years named Chris who beats me most of the time because he always picks cheap overpowered characters that are almost impossible to beat. My favorite charaqcters are Shuma,Ryu,Hulk and Ghostrider. I also like Storm and the little red winged demon guy from ghosts and ghouls. Rocket Raccoon and the ghost chick with the long claws (from Darkstalkers) get honorable mention. So after watching most of Deadpool I decided to fire up the Crunchyroll app on the 360 to watch the rest of an episode of Naruto I'd started earlier. Naruto is the first and only cartoon to actually make me cry on a number of occasions. Naruto is basically the story of an obnoxious little ninja guy who has alot of power and potential. Naruto came from nothing and because he was different he never really fit in anywhere. He was always the outcast no one wanted anything to do with. I have alot in common with Naruto. Like him I always knew I what I wanted and for the most part always believed in myself even if most others never really looked beneath the surface. Under that sometimes insecure and outrageous coating there lies a powerful,emotional,loyal and resourceful individual with much to offer. So much untapped potential too. I don't remember alot about my childhood but if I focus I can recall some of it. I was a pretty out there kid. Now that I think of it I was quite talented/gifted yet for the most part no one around me had the training or time to really help me. I can only imagine what my life would have been like if there'd been someone there to help guide me. Instead I had to learn the hard way how to live being an overly emotional,somewhat hyper artistically inclined genuis. But I didn't become a super villain because I had some people who believed in me and most of all I had my window into the world of the unbelievable to help instill in me a purpose of helping others and believing in the good in this world. That window was my "voice of GOD" That window was....comic books. So I lived in this world you live in but was never completely living in this world you live in. So a part of me (I think) missed out on learning some things. Its my explanation for some erratic behavior or maybe its just common sense not to get too comfortable around other people because I have seen what they can do. Maybe. Getting back to Naruto.... This cartoon like many others has given me a chance to escape this crazy life. Much of the time it has given me some truly laugh out loud moments. Especially those moments when Naruto manages to get involved in some zany antics with some of the other characters. Although the cartoon; like later entries to the Harry Potter films/books, has gotten increasingly dark and ULTRA serious. Sometimes I really worry for the characters. Still its nowhere as bad as Game of Thrones where if you do root for any one character you can best believe they are most certainly living on borrowed time. The characters on Walking Dead aren't safe either as we recently found out (ahem). It was almost time for me to go to work during my little Naruto marathon but I still found the time to call Robert. Robert is gonna be directing my two upcoming film shoots. He's also the DP for my first indie film "Return of the stolen wings" I'd asked Robert to go get some comics for me because it was free comic book day. He sent me an email of the books he got for me. At first I thought the email was gonna be saying he hadn't been able to get any for me but that wasn't the case. He was gonna go take his girlfriend to work then pick up some books on the way but she ended up not going to work or something. Anyway he was able to get about ten books for me and he sent a pic of what he picked up. Gonna have some good reading material for next week. Gonna miss the weekly 99 cent Injustice comic downloads on my kindle when the series ends with season 5.

I'd asked one of my co-workers in the morning if he was gonna go get any comics and he said no. I asked him if he had any friends he could ask to get some books and he said nope. Then I was like "You mean to tell me out of everybody you know in this big old city theres absolutely NO one you can call upon to ask to grab some free books for you for free comic book day?" To which he replied. No. I guess thats when it really hit me that things are not the way they used to be. Or is it just how it is here in Cali? A bunch of people you have in your life who ain't about nothing,ain't tryin to go nowhere or do nothin for noboy but themselves. We got into a conversation about how crazy and racist society can be and how he thinks there should be some reparations for black folks since the Native Americans got some assistance. My argument was these people were almost wiped out! And while we're talking about pressing issues I still have no idea who I'm voting for as the next President. Hillary seems sometimey and Trump is nuts. The Crazy African says Trump is Hitler. Never in history has one presidential candidate gotten so much hate where his press events are met with straight up violence. His campaign has been a circus. Come to think of it this whole thing has been a circus. Hillary has been in the news for her emails that were said to contain sensitive information. She's also said to have recieved ALOT of money for her campaign. I have heard some bad things about Bernie Sanders but I did some research on him. He was there during the civil rights movement and was even arrested for protesting against segregation. He is very gay friendly and a strong supporter of womens rights regarding abortions,paternal leave and universal healthcare. Bernie also campaigns for rights to privacy against surviellance. Forget what I said about not knowing who to vote for....!

So me and my co-worker got to talking about black folks and latinos in regard to religious manipulation of the masses and how crazy black folks are when it comes to homophobia. The homophobia in question was spawned out of what happened in a recent episode of "Empire" which is a popular tv show dealing with a rich black family who run a musical dynasty.  There was a kiss in a scene with two black men and the internet broke. Well twitter did. Sorta. People are sooooo damn angry. Death threats and faggot this and faggot that. I said its just amazing that a people so discriminated against can trun arund and do the same thing to others. My co-worker said thats what happens when you turn the minorities against each other. Uneducated and religious bible thumpers. He blames white folks and I kept thinking about how there were africans who actually participated in the slave trade. Its that ugly part of our history that no one wants to talk about. I swear as much harm as the white man has done to us black folks have become just as dangerous and scary to me. In my lifetime I have seen how terrible we treat each other. Theres a sense of hostility and distrust. When I see another black man on the street we both avoid eye contact. We usually look away. Most of the time when I see a group of black folks my red flag goes up because of past experiences. They will laugh at you because of how you're dressed. Stare at you and sometimes just start singing some lyrics of a rap song REALLY loud when they walk by. (What is THAT all about?) If they drive by in a car you will get stared at or just insulted. I can't speak for anyone else but these are my experiences. In the train/station I run across black folks smoking. Often times talking loud and being ghetto. If its a group of black men together some will go out of their way to be obnoxious probably because they feel brave in a group. Now I know we are not all like this but I just gotta get away from these niggas because thats what they are. As much as I hate to use that word Hakim was right when he used it to describe that ugly undesirable sect of our community. Its because of them that women speed up,slow down,speed up walking clutching their purses scared to get in the elevator with us and cops drive by slowly profiling or just stop us because we look "suspicious". As a black gay man I love black men but like a snake I know theres always that 50/50 chance that snake might try to bite me. Its a strange place to be when you realize as much as you love and understand your brother you probably will be happier away from him and his destructive ways or unwillingness to grow.

*
You hurt me
so many times
I let you back in
things were cool for a sec
then you
returned to
how you used to be
mean
grouchy
took me for granted
straight up took advantage
threw me to the gutter
and a year later
you tried to reach out to me again
(bro I let you live with me! How could you???)
Take the money and run
with it
because I'm done with you.
Maybe oneday I can forgive you
but I'm not there yet.
You single handedly
crushed
and halted
the direction of my art!
You must feel so proud
knowing you're so damn POWERFUL
to do that shit
to somebody who really loved you.
You got away with it.
YOU WON
SHOWED ME WHO'S BOSS
broke my heart
took me a whole year to bounce back,
GOD knows its been quite a year!
But you will never get another chance
to take a bite out of my spirit
(That was such a parasitic thing to do)
Now go and be at peace
somewhere.
Else.

But please
Whatever you do
just....
leave me in peace

We owe each other nothing.
*


Its about time for a cup of coffee and I still have alot on my mind. Most of it revolves around how I am gonna need to change how I do my art so that I can have a life thats not always about obsessing over my art. You know? On my off days I gotta take more time to play. At work or on workdays I can devote most of my time to this art and its business side so that I won't feel overwhelmed. I gotta make sure that theres more balance in my life. Gotta make sure theres more money left to actually LIVE and live healthier as opposed to this starving artist lifestyle. (Yes I am bouncing back from a bad place mentally). As time passes I am growing more aware of things I have missed or neglected because I was doing my art or as they say doing me. Working on me. Trying to become some person I thought others would respect or accept. Theres nothing wrong with wanting acceptance but as cliche' as it sounds I think you reach a point when you really get comfortable with being who you are and its not such a big deal what those other folks think. I guess what I am saying is you get to where that big person you wanna impress is yourself. So now its time for me to finally go home. Like the warrior coming out of the wilderness after that pilgrimage every warrior must take.  I'm not perfect by any means but I'm doing alright because in spite of it all I can still hold my head up. Most of the time.

1:32am

Secret Savior

When you came
it was like something out of a dream
secret hip hop lover
who came to save me from
this disbelief in all my brothers.
You came to hold me
warm soft yet hard at the same time
dark brown ebony power
from a whole other continent.
Who are you
Who is this man?
I'd often ask watching you snoring next to me
this miracle
who defied the odds to find this me.
All the others
the don't even look twice at me
when I walk by on the street
because I don't have
that perfect form
a car
or that rough street edge
(or pretend to have it)
What I have is me
and for so long
it wasn't good enough
for so long I started to think
maybe they were right.
But that wasn't you
we made eye contact and
the plug went right into the socket
and the light came on
to chase away at least enough of the darkness
so these eyes could make out this light.

Taking time to work things out....

I'm up late again.
Staring at this bright white screen.
My eyes are tired.
My mind is at full alert.
Can't sleep.
Was sleepy but it passed.
Had to stop myself from eating
all those damn donuts
but I could stop eating all those damn
sweet and sour gummi worms.
made my stomach feel funny
gave me acid reflex
Now I'm sitting here
Netflix is my company
and Teena Marie,Foreign Exchange,Jon B,John Williams and
Hans Zimmer are my anchors.
(As they often are to be totally honest).

My brain is
on fire
with concepts
ideas
some ways out of this life I'm living
because I want more
out of this life I'm living.
Who doesn't right?
I just wanna be happy
in a form of happy that lasts longer than
15 minutes
with some lurking fools that wanna take it from me
that fleeting happy.
You know?

Don't even know if I'm sane anymore
or if I ever were
to be quite frank.
can never really relax
always feeling
this need to be better
but its not enough.
When has it ever been enough?
Feeling so invisible
so much of the time its like
my accomplishments don't even seem to register
and no one really cares.
Maybe they're too scared to care
scared of some terrible accident
a mugging
some stupid pointless terrorist attack
or a sudden silent death in the night no one around to call on for help
and that life alert thing
well they left it downstairs in the fucking kitchen
so its useless.
I guess.
At least in his moment in time.

I wanna matter
wanna feel that
my mother and father are proud of me
wanna feel that people are seeingmy work and seeing some potential
wanna get over that pet peeve of people walking in front of me
or getting in elevators with some scared looking person.
I wanna understand why people laugh at me sometimes and watch me
like I am so unusual
when the truth is I am desperately trying to survive in this
maddening world
best as I can.
Just like them.
Wanna understand why the stupid updates make my xbox turn off and on
just like how they make my computer
which was fine before
now slow as hell.

Keep feeling like
this is really why my brain hurts.
Why my eyes are tired.
Why my body sometimes feel
like its trying NOT to fall apart
from lack of rest
pain of a broken heart
pain of so many unfulfilled goals
goals I feel as if I am running towards
in some rainy Matrix like landscape
out of breath
fatigued
assailed with
all these reasons why I should quit
because I am struggling in a world that constantly tells me
I am less than.
Enough.
Because
A black gay man is supposed to be this and be that they say
with their eyes or actions
more than they say with words.
I swear sometimes it bothers me
that I'm starting to actually be okay with the loneliness.

Yeah I do know
what it is I must do to fix my life
so I keep people at a distance
because I know I've a lot to do
a lot of work to do on me.
Even though I am missing out on some things
I gotta work on me for awhile longer
before I feel
I am there.
How does one feel when they get there?
A nice big house?
A car?
A nice gym body?
Perfect white teeth?
Six figure yearly income
and you get invited to parties
that you actually wanna go to?
Is that what that feels like?
Being there?

Maybe I should ask around.

Maybe.
Maybe I should think about
moving sooner than later
out of this city.
Get me a day job
work on becoming more social?
Could do these things.
Lose all these kick ass health benefits
along with the ability to sit up at night and write in quiet solitude.
what kind of a life would that be for me to sleep at night
like a regular person
and to live in a place where
I have a social life
police don't profile me
and I never have to worry about
someone like Donald Trump running the country?
(That would mean leaving the US of course)
Is it just me who is feeling the whole world has gone insane
if a man like that could even eye the presidency?
Yeah we need a change for this system seems to have failed us
people scared to walk the streets in Chi-Raq
poison water in flint
suicide bombers and school/theater shootings are the norm.
What has become of the black community
because it doesn't seem to really exist unless some terrible thing happens to bring us together?
gay men are so obsessed with sex and it feels like
the impossible dream
trying to find someone
and GOD knows our community has so many more problems within itself.

So much on my mind
so much that the whole world had to stop
for a moment
trying to put it all in perspective.
trying to bounce back from all these uncertainties
can't afford to get thrown off course
so much riding on me pulling it together
can't even put on a brave face
when everything feels so wrong.
letting the music drive my thought processes
hoping to arrive at a solution to what ails me.
gotta ignore the tired eyes
funky feeling stomach
gotta ignore
my cold feet that demand
socks.

Up late again
tired eyes
bright white screen.
Can't rest
hard to focus on things
because in two weeks
I will  be in Detroit again
filming.
Not sure whats being filmed
the budget is the issue.
Last film shoot cost me
almost a grand.
That was mere weeks ago
can't afford to do that again.
This being broke between paychecks
is rattling my nerves.
Waiting on the director and DP to get back to me
because he hasn't given me his price
and here we are weeks away.
Can't keep waiting.
Need to get actors ready.
Need to get the script finalized.
Need to figure out whos filming
Whos doing sound?
Where are we filming?
How much am I spending?
Hotel hasn't even been booked yet.
Whole thing feels VERY chaotic.
So yeah me am going a bit crazy right now.
But I told the director already
I need to get a budget by Friday
so I can decide if its doable.
If not I need to make a change of plans
maybe film other scenes now
do the more expensive shit later.
Finances are tight right now
trying to bounce back from the last shoot.
Learned my lesson though
Not gonna put myself thru stress again
stress of being broke between film projects
or living paycheck to paycheck
having to break pennies in half then pinching them.
Life is stressful and crazy enough
don't wanna break myself
physically
mentally
financially.

Time to take control and learn that wonderful power
of saying "NO"

It is after all
MY money.

Nothing wrong with slowing down
if only just alittle anyway.
Its quality over quantity from here on out.
Take the time now to carefully plan things out and in the end it will yield better results.

March 26 (2016)

I am here at work. Again. Seems I do most of my writing here doesn’t it? I’m sitting here listening to the soundtrack to Batman vs Superman Dawn of Justice and Jurassic World (Thank God for YouTube) while bingeing off of sweet/sour gummi worms. Its my current guilty pleasure. A film crew is outside filming something. I’d usually observe but I guess right now I’m not really in the mood. A few of the crew kinda rubbed me the wrong way when I asked them how long were they filming because no one told me they were gonna be shooting on this site. But whatever. I think some of the time….well most of the time when folks see a security uniform they just don’t really have a lot in the way of respect for you. Or maybe I need to be tougher. I doubt if if I’d been in a cop uniform they’d have brushed me off when I asked the question. I don’t wanna become one of those guys who hate dealing with film crews because I shoot films myself. But I am starting to understand how people get that way.

One of the crew members seemed really cool especially when I told her about my webseries. Kinda made me feel alittle less like an outsider. But I have always felt like an outside to be honest. Call it a touch of the crazy but I will say with no hesitation that my life gets more confusion thrown into it when you add other people to the mix. So many bad experiences with folks has made me keep my distance with people whenever I can even though I ultimately love everyone. That doesn’t make a lot of sense does it? I am the poster boy for irony then I guess.

Dreamt the other day again of my Grandmother(Cora). Me and my step sister Bev were hanging out and I seem to recall trying to scare my Grandma. The other details are vague although I did write them down somewhere in case I forgot. Both my Grandmothers are still very much alive in me. Things they taught me. Things I observed about them and how they treated others. These were two incredibly cool people who survived a lot and no they were not perfect but they represent so much of whats missing from this insane world. No wonder I wanna hold on to them so much they appear in some form or fashion in my dreams.

I recall dreaming of being in these scenarios where war was waging all around and planes flew over dropping bombs everywhere as I raced back and forth from continent to continent trying to escape the carnage mankind unleashed in its attempt to just kill each other. Shit I don’t even know why they were fighting and I suppose it doesn’t even matter in the grand scheme of things. Just a few days ago there was an attack in Europe. In Brussels. 34 people died. It was a multiple bombing by terrorists. An airport as well as a metro station. Things could have been worse but one of the bombs didn’t go off. It is crazy to think that somewhere a bunch of people wanna kill me and really believe they are justified in it. They don’t know me. Don’t know my hopes and dreams. My accomplishments. My struggle. None of that matters to them. Yeah it is crazy to know people want you dead and you don’t know or understand why. You might not want them dead in return yet still they want you DEAD. My next door neighbors want me dead. How do I know this?  Years ago they made a call to the police at 2am and (I have no idea what was really said) sent them to my house where they asked to promptly enter with guns drawn. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Not playing music loud or anything. In fact I’d just come back from the supermarket when the cops met me in the hallway. I have middle eastern friends and that is certainly the only thing that has kept me from turning into a person who hates them because I know I can’t blame an entire race for the actions of a few. Like my neighbors. Them I hate. Passionately I might add. I’m definitely sick of seeing middle eastern folks so often on the news because of some damn attacks. It sure would be nice to see some on the news doing good things. Helping the community or creating medical breakthroughs or engineering some technical marvel.  I rarely see that on tv. Why? Well I guess that’s just not considered “good” news. I sometimes worry that if we are not careful all this terrorist shit will eventually lead to some sort of racial witch hunts. Personally I don’t know what the solution to all this madness is. If I were the President I’d be stumped because there really is no easy answer. How to keep your nation safe from people willing to die for their cause? Kill them all? Lock them up? Brainwash them and make it so they won’t wanna hurt anyone else again? As nuts as I think Donald Trump is for all his insanity and paranoia he might actually sorta have the right idea about seriously clamping down on who we let into the country. Then again its more than likely the enemy is already here. Just waiting for the right time to strike. I know that evil can be patient. You can let time go by and think the threat is over but when you least expect it….then comes the attack. My mental issue is maybe one of my greatest weapons. From life events (DNA?) and the shit my neighbors put me thru my nerves are shot to the point my fight or flight instinct never really shuts off. I’m always aware. Always wary to the point I mostly cannot sleep at night. My sleep is usually not very restful. I watch everyone out of the corners of my eyes because on a subconscious level I trust no one. Always ready for action even when it seems I am not. But you can tell how I stand. Like a warrior who doesn’t want to get taken off balance. Videogames help me focus the need for action and it gives me a rush that rivals sex. Weird as that sounds. Its hard to live in a fucked up world and not be just alittle fucked up. And as crazy as I am I am thankful for my comics and their heroes/heroines who have instilled in me the mantras that all lives matter and even in the darkest of situations we should try to see the light. Help those we can. Never do the evil we’ve been done to others. A rose instead of a closed fist (as hard as it may seem at times) One of the biggest things I learned is try not to judge anyone until you have been able to walk in their shoes. I know what is like to be alone and unwanted. I know what it feels like to have an emptiness. Yep I even understand how religion or some nutjob can come along seemingly with answers because you let them get inside your head. These things happen because folks are in a weak state of mind either due to circumstance or even in some cases a certain diet could make people susceptible to manipulation. That’s how you get cults with all these devoted followers. I do certainly believe that there is something out there. I don’t believe anything happens for no reason yet time and time again religion has been used to bring a lot of pain into this world. They say that the US and its allies are doing something shadey behind the scenes that is making these crazies do these terrible attacks. They say its because of oil. They say its all orchestrated to keep the military in operation. But the only hard evidence I see is a bunch of folks fighting because they BELIEVE their god wants them to do this stuff. Even though we have no real proof anywhere that any god has ever spoken to anyone. It just seems more and more the real culprit behind all this shit is mental illness. It would be nice to live in a world where the sky did actually open up and a god would come down and say “Put away all your weapons and stop your warring ways!” but people have been waiting for this for centuries. I really feel if something doesn’t happen to make people stop mindlessly murdering each other one day nuclear weapons will enter the equation. It’s a scary thought.  For all the wonder mankind has brought to this world they have done so much harm and spread such terror. Running away trying to find somewhere safe IS probably useless especially if some of these fanatics get their hands on nuclear weapons or some kind of biological weapon. Just saying.

Okay enough with the terror stuff. I have some things to worry about right in front of me that I can see. As far as my film goes I might have to massively overhaul the script. As in RE-WRITE the whole damn thing. You see the way it is right now its too cluttered and convoluted. I hired another writer because I thought the first flaked but dude later told me he had a nervous breakdown. Personally I think I am being lazy and need to like Missy said….Write my own shit. Produce my own shit. I mean I can. Been doing it for 8 years you know? So its back to the drawing board. Sort of. Still gonna use some of the script but as it stands I am not sure what the budget is or what I’m filming in Detroit next month….

(To Lemony Snicket soundtrack)

Brain is tired
tired of writing
eyes are tired
of staring at that
bright
white screen.
Took a little break
took time to be me
so I could remember to call
all those people I promised to call
but didn't.
Took a little break
so I could binge off junk food
stuff I shouldn't eat
yet its nice to not care
if only for a moment
about
eating
all those sweet/sour gummi worms
eating those terribly expensive donuts
&
drinkin all that
expresso
All that
natural juice with scarcely any real juice
Along with the
SUPPOSEDLY "natural pepsi"
(Yeah sure whatever)
Now I am finally making some real progress
in saving the universe in
Lego Dimensions
&
Killzone
&
Skylanders
Hell I might even finish one of those
Call of duty games!
Still haven't had the time or incentive to go out and get the newest.
My backlog of games,movies & tv shows is simply astounding.
As are all those comic books I've yet to read/finish.

Trying to get into the dating but
noone seems interested
or maybe its me thats not interested enough
to care enough
because I really am getting accustomed
to this being single.
It makes me alittle uncomfortable to understand
for any number of reasons
I might've reached that point
of no return. Maybe it'll say in the history books oneday
"At the age of 46 Sergio realized"that" part of his life was over".
My head is clear for now at least
Not clouded by story plots
script formatting
budget cuts
and thoughts of
GOTTA MAKE IT WORK
I'LL GET THRU THIS SOMEHOW. I ALWAYS HAVE.
WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS
....I DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS.
CAN'T SLEEP UNTIL ITS DONE
FINGERS ARE TIRED
LAWD I DON'T WANT CARPAL SYNDROME
YET I GOTTA FINISH THIS
AND IF I GO OVER THESE MANY PAGES
AND WHAT IF HE DOESN'T WANNA HELP ME ANYMORE?
AND WHY DON'T THEY UNDERSTAND
THIS SHIT DON'T HAPPEN OVERNIGHT
TAKES TIME
AND MONEY
AND I'M NOT MADE OF MONEY
BUT I THINK THEY THINK I AM.
CAN'T PAY THIS BILL IF THIS GETS DONE
MOMENTS LIKE THESE I COULD USE SOME DIVINE
HELP!!!!
NO ONE WILL EVER REALLY KNOW THE PRICE I PAY UNTIL I'M GONE
AND DID ALL THOSE BEFORE ME HAVE TO GO THRU THIS SHIT?
IF SO I NEED THAT HANDBOOK
BUT OF COURSE
THERE REALLY ISN'T ONE.
'Que Sera, Sera'
My head hurts
I'm always hungry
Thirsty
(Mentally and physically)
My poor sinuses
plus my back at times
at times I gotta force myself to sleep
at times touching of self clears the cobwebs
brings some clarity
chases away much of that negative energy.
Chases away the naysayers
lessens the impact
of trying to survive out here
in a world gone insane
seemingly devoid of any morals at all.
It also lessens the impact
of all those mysterious obstacles
that pop up every now and then
the computer glitches
flagged ads
emails that don't go
packages that don't arrive.
People I trusted turning on me
Cops profiling me.
Dealing with crazy folks
who just ain't got NO sense
at all.
So....yeah the brain is tired
just a bit
and I don't think the world of
social media will mind
If I
go away
for just alittle while
so Sergio's nerves can recover
and he can return to being himself again.
Not quiet brand new
More like refurbished to factory standards.
Need these viruses and harmful malware removed
systems purged of needless files clogging up the works
plus a memory upgrade is needed.
Because this brain is tired of being tired
Eyes are tired of being tired
squinting
blurring
with the irregular heartbeating
the clutter in the room
like the clutter in my life
things all built up because I let it pile up
was focusing on other things.
Gotta go back
clean up all that damn clutter
one day at a time.
No more running.
This time
theres no excuse.
This time....!
....This time
for a moment in time
my appointment book is clear.

(With some musical help from Phyllis Hyman and Will Downing courtesy of Spotify on my kindle)

Its been months since he moved out and life has gone on. I tried to meet others to fill the space but they just fell to the wayside. I'm starting to realize I am actually more mature than many of the other gay men out here and with that knowledge comes a certain degree of isolation. Most people don't really understand me anyway. I can't really blame other folks for being too wrapped up trying to survive their own lives that they can't take five minutes out of their schedule to figure out my crazy when they have their crazy to contend with. Speaking of crazy just what is going on with the world these days? We have so many shooting incidents its become the norm and Donald Trump is eyeing the presidency. When I take the train to work I gotta deal with crazy loud mouthed and obnoxious brothers smoking weed and acting just plain scary. We got homeless people all over and sleeping in tents on the sidewalks. I gotta walk thru the valley of the tents on my way to work at night and stinky homeless folks are sleeping on the trains as well as on the benches so a bro can't sit down nowhere when he gotta wait for the damn train. I was homeless before so I don't have hate for the homeless but some of these people when I get near them I feel like something bad is crawling off them and trying to get under my skin. I think its some kind of spiritual thing going on. I have some theories about some people in these situations....its the same for these crazy looking fools I see on the news staring into space as they are about to be sentenced for some crime they committed. Its almost as if theres nobody home. I've often wondered if someone or something were making these people go off and do the things they do. Drugs make people do crazy stuff and then the body just wears down. Sometimes I think some of these mentally ill folks have been invaded and whatever took hold is looking for a new host which may explain how negative energy can just jump from one person to the next. Some say we are all interconnected you know. When one person is suffering theres an instinct some people or animals seem to have and a desire to help.  A life of being burned added with constant observation will make most folks wanna keep their distance. It can be especially difficult to help people when they are strung out on drugs because thats the kind of possession that can come to your house and steal your dvd player or put you in harms way going to "remove" them from a harmful environment (examples include back alleys and crack houses) How the hell did I even get on this topic?

Oh yeah I was talking about how fucked up the world has become lately or more specifically the craziness people have been unleashing. Hit and runs are common now. People are actually walking up to police officers and shooting them now. And I hate that but I also hate being stopped and questioned by police when I am walking home from work in the morning. I am starting to get so paranoid about that shit that I dont even wanna go outside at night. It makes me mad that people are going into theaters or schools or military bases and even churches shooting folks up. The shadow of racism might just never fade from this nation. Even having a black president who did so many cool things wasn't enough you know? On top of that people still hate gays and lesbians with such passion it drives them to wanna do us bodily harm. They believe the truth is that God hates us so that gives them freedom to try and hurt folks. Flint Michigan is having water problems because the water isn't safe to drink. Louisianna is having some floods. We did have a bizarre winter because it mostly didn't happen here in Cali this year. So far. In other parts of the world winter has been strange too. My belief is this is some environmental crap due to mankind simply not caring about the environment. I mean lets be frank MOST people could care less about the earth unless its falling out from under them well then its a different story. Yeah it makes me mad but at least some folks are starting to take notice because there was a big environmental discussion that took place like a couple months ago in Paris I believe with our own POTUS being present. 

Got some pretty big things planned for this year as far as my film thingies go. Flying out to Detroit next month to shoot more scenes for the SonsofLegend full length. Omari and them are shooting some scenes this coming friday also for the SOL feature. Meanwhile in early April I am starting work on a project I've put off for awhile. Those six short stories that Stanley Bennet Clay published are gonna get turned into short films I plan to take to film festivals. Yes it is finally THAT time. Time to take all I've learned after 8 years of SOL and apply it towards getting some real recognition as a filmmaker. The Detector Pig project is probably gonna go into production late this year. I'm aiming for a 2018 release because you know animation takes a loooooong time. Almost cancelled the shoot for this friday and I am really thinking maybe I should not have booked my Detroit flight as my crowdfunding efforts didn't exactly pan out. Can't get bitter about it but the truth is I may have spent 8 years marketing to the wrong audience. I say that because out of all the facebook and instagram or twitter/youtube contacts/friends most of them couldn't even be bothered to donate one cent towards helping me get my stuff out there. In other words no one cares. Not really. Yes people watch the videos. Sometimes I might get a comment and even then I usually have to ask repeatedly for it. Yes I have seen many other projects that others have tried to launch fail but why is it people just don't try to support things people they know are doing yet they will go spend their money to support total strangers time and time again. Things that make you go hmmmm. So yeah I wanna make films the gay folks will like. I wanna make films the balck folks will like but the reality is they might not like my films enough to show support. As a black gay man who works within the gay community I actually feel cut off. Its not just because most of the people I see at my job or on all these magazines don't look like me either. I don't really know that I can say gay folks or black folks are my audience. Maybe thats why I have not really had much success before. They say you have to make the music and tell the stories that come from your heart. Its really the only way to be honest. I guess one hopes that one can have some appeal to the masses otherwise the bills might not get paid you know? So there needs to be a balance. Make the music/films you want to see and try to create in a way that others can enjoy. Unless you are rich enough or you just don't give a damn. If thats the case you can just do whatever the hell you want. All I can say is I am getting to the point where I'm not really caring what people think so much anymore. I have so crazy stories to tell. They will shock some and probably offend some as well. Some people and actors have chosen not to work with me after reading my SOL script (which is not the REAL final draft mind you). You see in hollywood (and the real pros know this) a script can undergo MANY changes before you get to the real deal. My script has an actual rape scene in it. Or rather its implied rather brutishly. I have considered taking it out because it WILL limit my audience. Its something we've not really seen in superhero movies before you know? I mean Watchmen had a near rape scene in it. I think one day some people who backed out of my projects because they were scaredy cats are gonna regret that decision. LA Reid let Lady Gaga slip right thru his fingers and he said he regretted it. How far can one really go in life just trying to do exactly whats expected of him/her? When is the time right to release a dinosuar movie? When they are suddenly popular and you can jump on the bandwagon? The time is right when you decide that you want to take that risk because no one else has taken that path yet. Tired playing it safe.

Was on my way to work the other night and this sexy dark skinned bald brother tried to holla at a sister walking past then he tried to holla at me which kinda took me off guard since I'm not really used to people actually acknowledging me in public you know? I couldn't really stop to talk because I was worried about being late to work. Then like the other night a cute light skinned brother really went out of his way to acknowledge me as I was walking by and it took me by surprise. Was running late again and was struggling to process what had just happened. Why did he speak to me? He might have seemed familiar. Why didn't I stop? I am still haunted by that friendliness of this total stranger. Probably will never see him again you know? Then again maybe one day he'll be watching tv and he'll see me and say "Wow theres that brotha again! Gotta get his contact info" When I walked by he was like...."How you doing tonight brother?!?" Totally took me be surprise because I am definitely NOT accustomed to being greeted like that by another black man in public or anywhere else. Why didn't I stop? Sometimes I think I might simply be too much of a weirdo for anyone else you know? Some of the time it feels like the love,relationship and romance part of my life is over. Sometimes I see myself in a house with a dog and a cat and some adpoted kids I can give love to and really grow into the person I have yet to become. So much of the time there is no man in these fantasies. I see my self driving my own car and running my own business with so much success in all I go after yet there is often no man there only some side lined individual trying to get into a world that has evolved to the point of not really letting him inside. It does seem that so many of us visionary types are destined to be denied some of those things others can have. I've heard it said that its all a tradeoff you know? You can have friends and some close releationships. You can raise a family but you are beyond such things as that kind of love. You will go far and build many empires but don't block your blessings by refusing to let die some dreams that were never meant to last forever little lego padawan.