March 26 (2016)

I am here at work. Again. Seems I do most of my writing here doesn’t it? I’m sitting here listening to the soundtrack to Batman vs Superman Dawn of Justice and Jurassic World (Thank God for YouTube) while bingeing off of sweet/sour gummi worms. Its my current guilty pleasure. A film crew is outside filming something. I’d usually observe but I guess right now I’m not really in the mood. A few of the crew kinda rubbed me the wrong way when I asked them how long were they filming because no one told me they were gonna be shooting on this site. But whatever. I think some of the time….well most of the time when folks see a security uniform they just don’t really have a lot in the way of respect for you. Or maybe I need to be tougher. I doubt if if I’d been in a cop uniform they’d have brushed me off when I asked the question. I don’t wanna become one of those guys who hate dealing with film crews because I shoot films myself. But I am starting to understand how people get that way.

One of the crew members seemed really cool especially when I told her about my webseries. Kinda made me feel alittle less like an outsider. But I have always felt like an outside to be honest. Call it a touch of the crazy but I will say with no hesitation that my life gets more confusion thrown into it when you add other people to the mix. So many bad experiences with folks has made me keep my distance with people whenever I can even though I ultimately love everyone. That doesn’t make a lot of sense does it? I am the poster boy for irony then I guess.

Dreamt the other day again of my Grandmother(Cora). Me and my step sister Bev were hanging out and I seem to recall trying to scare my Grandma. The other details are vague although I did write them down somewhere in case I forgot. Both my Grandmothers are still very much alive in me. Things they taught me. Things I observed about them and how they treated others. These were two incredibly cool people who survived a lot and no they were not perfect but they represent so much of whats missing from this insane world. No wonder I wanna hold on to them so much they appear in some form or fashion in my dreams.

I recall dreaming of being in these scenarios where war was waging all around and planes flew over dropping bombs everywhere as I raced back and forth from continent to continent trying to escape the carnage mankind unleashed in its attempt to just kill each other. Shit I don’t even know why they were fighting and I suppose it doesn’t even matter in the grand scheme of things. Just a few days ago there was an attack in Europe. In Brussels. 34 people died. It was a multiple bombing by terrorists. An airport as well as a metro station. Things could have been worse but one of the bombs didn’t go off. It is crazy to think that somewhere a bunch of people wanna kill me and really believe they are justified in it. They don’t know me. Don’t know my hopes and dreams. My accomplishments. My struggle. None of that matters to them. Yeah it is crazy to know people want you dead and you don’t know or understand why. You might not want them dead in return yet still they want you DEAD. My next door neighbors want me dead. How do I know this?  Years ago they made a call to the police at 2am and (I have no idea what was really said) sent them to my house where they asked to promptly enter with guns drawn. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Not playing music loud or anything. In fact I’d just come back from the supermarket when the cops met me in the hallway. I have middle eastern friends and that is certainly the only thing that has kept me from turning into a person who hates them because I know I can’t blame an entire race for the actions of a few. Like my neighbors. Them I hate. Passionately I might add. I’m definitely sick of seeing middle eastern folks so often on the news because of some damn attacks. It sure would be nice to see some on the news doing good things. Helping the community or creating medical breakthroughs or engineering some technical marvel.  I rarely see that on tv. Why? Well I guess that’s just not considered “good” news. I sometimes worry that if we are not careful all this terrorist shit will eventually lead to some sort of racial witch hunts. Personally I don’t know what the solution to all this madness is. If I were the President I’d be stumped because there really is no easy answer. How to keep your nation safe from people willing to die for their cause? Kill them all? Lock them up? Brainwash them and make it so they won’t wanna hurt anyone else again? As nuts as I think Donald Trump is for all his insanity and paranoia he might actually sorta have the right idea about seriously clamping down on who we let into the country. Then again its more than likely the enemy is already here. Just waiting for the right time to strike. I know that evil can be patient. You can let time go by and think the threat is over but when you least expect it….then comes the attack. My mental issue is maybe one of my greatest weapons. From life events (DNA?) and the shit my neighbors put me thru my nerves are shot to the point my fight or flight instinct never really shuts off. I’m always aware. Always wary to the point I mostly cannot sleep at night. My sleep is usually not very restful. I watch everyone out of the corners of my eyes because on a subconscious level I trust no one. Always ready for action even when it seems I am not. But you can tell how I stand. Like a warrior who doesn’t want to get taken off balance. Videogames help me focus the need for action and it gives me a rush that rivals sex. Weird as that sounds. Its hard to live in a fucked up world and not be just alittle fucked up. And as crazy as I am I am thankful for my comics and their heroes/heroines who have instilled in me the mantras that all lives matter and even in the darkest of situations we should try to see the light. Help those we can. Never do the evil we’ve been done to others. A rose instead of a closed fist (as hard as it may seem at times) One of the biggest things I learned is try not to judge anyone until you have been able to walk in their shoes. I know what is like to be alone and unwanted. I know what it feels like to have an emptiness. Yep I even understand how religion or some nutjob can come along seemingly with answers because you let them get inside your head. These things happen because folks are in a weak state of mind either due to circumstance or even in some cases a certain diet could make people susceptible to manipulation. That’s how you get cults with all these devoted followers. I do certainly believe that there is something out there. I don’t believe anything happens for no reason yet time and time again religion has been used to bring a lot of pain into this world. They say that the US and its allies are doing something shadey behind the scenes that is making these crazies do these terrible attacks. They say its because of oil. They say its all orchestrated to keep the military in operation. But the only hard evidence I see is a bunch of folks fighting because they BELIEVE their god wants them to do this stuff. Even though we have no real proof anywhere that any god has ever spoken to anyone. It just seems more and more the real culprit behind all this shit is mental illness. It would be nice to live in a world where the sky did actually open up and a god would come down and say “Put away all your weapons and stop your warring ways!” but people have been waiting for this for centuries. I really feel if something doesn’t happen to make people stop mindlessly murdering each other one day nuclear weapons will enter the equation. It’s a scary thought.  For all the wonder mankind has brought to this world they have done so much harm and spread such terror. Running away trying to find somewhere safe IS probably useless especially if some of these fanatics get their hands on nuclear weapons or some kind of biological weapon. Just saying.

Okay enough with the terror stuff. I have some things to worry about right in front of me that I can see. As far as my film goes I might have to massively overhaul the script. As in RE-WRITE the whole damn thing. You see the way it is right now its too cluttered and convoluted. I hired another writer because I thought the first flaked but dude later told me he had a nervous breakdown. Personally I think I am being lazy and need to like Missy said….Write my own shit. Produce my own shit. I mean I can. Been doing it for 8 years you know? So its back to the drawing board. Sort of. Still gonna use some of the script but as it stands I am not sure what the budget is or what I’m filming in Detroit next month….