Taking time to work things out....

I'm up late again.
Staring at this bright white screen.
My eyes are tired.
My mind is at full alert.
Can't sleep.
Was sleepy but it passed.
Had to stop myself from eating
all those damn donuts
but I could stop eating all those damn
sweet and sour gummi worms.
made my stomach feel funny
gave me acid reflex
Now I'm sitting here
Netflix is my company
and Teena Marie,Foreign Exchange,Jon B,John Williams and
Hans Zimmer are my anchors.
(As they often are to be totally honest).

My brain is
on fire
with concepts
ideas
some ways out of this life I'm living
because I want more
out of this life I'm living.
Who doesn't right?
I just wanna be happy
in a form of happy that lasts longer than
15 minutes
with some lurking fools that wanna take it from me
that fleeting happy.
You know?

Don't even know if I'm sane anymore
or if I ever were
to be quite frank.
can never really relax
always feeling
this need to be better
but its not enough.
When has it ever been enough?
Feeling so invisible
so much of the time its like
my accomplishments don't even seem to register
and no one really cares.
Maybe they're too scared to care
scared of some terrible accident
a mugging
some stupid pointless terrorist attack
or a sudden silent death in the night no one around to call on for help
and that life alert thing
well they left it downstairs in the fucking kitchen
so its useless.
I guess.
At least in his moment in time.

I wanna matter
wanna feel that
my mother and father are proud of me
wanna feel that people are seeingmy work and seeing some potential
wanna get over that pet peeve of people walking in front of me
or getting in elevators with some scared looking person.
I wanna understand why people laugh at me sometimes and watch me
like I am so unusual
when the truth is I am desperately trying to survive in this
maddening world
best as I can.
Just like them.
Wanna understand why the stupid updates make my xbox turn off and on
just like how they make my computer
which was fine before
now slow as hell.

Keep feeling like
this is really why my brain hurts.
Why my eyes are tired.
Why my body sometimes feel
like its trying NOT to fall apart
from lack of rest
pain of a broken heart
pain of so many unfulfilled goals
goals I feel as if I am running towards
in some rainy Matrix like landscape
out of breath
fatigued
assailed with
all these reasons why I should quit
because I am struggling in a world that constantly tells me
I am less than.
Enough.
Because
A black gay man is supposed to be this and be that they say
with their eyes or actions
more than they say with words.
I swear sometimes it bothers me
that I'm starting to actually be okay with the loneliness.

Yeah I do know
what it is I must do to fix my life
so I keep people at a distance
because I know I've a lot to do
a lot of work to do on me.
Even though I am missing out on some things
I gotta work on me for awhile longer
before I feel
I am there.
How does one feel when they get there?
A nice big house?
A car?
A nice gym body?
Perfect white teeth?
Six figure yearly income
and you get invited to parties
that you actually wanna go to?
Is that what that feels like?
Being there?

Maybe I should ask around.

Maybe.
Maybe I should think about
moving sooner than later
out of this city.
Get me a day job
work on becoming more social?
Could do these things.
Lose all these kick ass health benefits
along with the ability to sit up at night and write in quiet solitude.
what kind of a life would that be for me to sleep at night
like a regular person
and to live in a place where
I have a social life
police don't profile me
and I never have to worry about
someone like Donald Trump running the country?
(That would mean leaving the US of course)
Is it just me who is feeling the whole world has gone insane
if a man like that could even eye the presidency?
Yeah we need a change for this system seems to have failed us
people scared to walk the streets in Chi-Raq
poison water in flint
suicide bombers and school/theater shootings are the norm.
What has become of the black community
because it doesn't seem to really exist unless some terrible thing happens to bring us together?
gay men are so obsessed with sex and it feels like
the impossible dream
trying to find someone
and GOD knows our community has so many more problems within itself.

So much on my mind
so much that the whole world had to stop
for a moment
trying to put it all in perspective.
trying to bounce back from all these uncertainties
can't afford to get thrown off course
so much riding on me pulling it together
can't even put on a brave face
when everything feels so wrong.
letting the music drive my thought processes
hoping to arrive at a solution to what ails me.
gotta ignore the tired eyes
funky feeling stomach
gotta ignore
my cold feet that demand
socks.

Up late again
tired eyes
bright white screen.
Can't rest
hard to focus on things
because in two weeks
I will  be in Detroit again
filming.
Not sure whats being filmed
the budget is the issue.
Last film shoot cost me
almost a grand.
That was mere weeks ago
can't afford to do that again.
This being broke between paychecks
is rattling my nerves.
Waiting on the director and DP to get back to me
because he hasn't given me his price
and here we are weeks away.
Can't keep waiting.
Need to get actors ready.
Need to get the script finalized.
Need to figure out whos filming
Whos doing sound?
Where are we filming?
How much am I spending?
Hotel hasn't even been booked yet.
Whole thing feels VERY chaotic.
So yeah me am going a bit crazy right now.
But I told the director already
I need to get a budget by Friday
so I can decide if its doable.
If not I need to make a change of plans
maybe film other scenes now
do the more expensive shit later.
Finances are tight right now
trying to bounce back from the last shoot.
Learned my lesson though
Not gonna put myself thru stress again
stress of being broke between film projects
or living paycheck to paycheck
having to break pennies in half then pinching them.
Life is stressful and crazy enough
don't wanna break myself
physically
mentally
financially.

Time to take control and learn that wonderful power
of saying "NO"

It is after all
MY money.

Nothing wrong with slowing down
if only just alittle anyway.
Its quality over quantity from here on out.
Take the time now to carefully plan things out and in the end it will yield better results.