(Soundtrack: City Nights Vol 6. Thank you Youtube)

Sometimes its hard to believe I am actually 45 years old. People say when you're this old you're supposed to be finacially secure,living in a big house and certainly driving a car. But I don't drive a car. Maybe I will next year because its something I think about more lately. Maybe when I actually can save some money I'll buy a nice house but these little films and projects of mine aren't gonna fund themselves and since I don't have a sugar daddy I gotta do what I gotta do. That means going to work every night to make this money so I guess I am taking care of business. I have an apartment aand have had it for many years now. Plus I seem to be capable of holding down a job for awhile yet does that mean I am stable? I mean in the eyes of some its not enough I realize. I realize my body could be better and it frustrates me sometimes this feeling inadequate you know? Yeah I have issues. Still life goes on and I can take comfort knowing in my time here I've at least left behind some kind of a legacy. These writings. The short films. The cartoon stuff. Even all those photos. Why is it so important to leave something behind? To maybe bring some light into this world even though it has tried to kill me so many times. Its crazy and life is crazy. They say none of us get out of it alive you know. But its also been said no one really dies. Even more so when folks remember you. Will people remember you when you're gone? Will they? A fair question.

About an hour ago there was this sound here in the building. Sounded like someone else was in here with me and the ghosts. Maybe it was a ghost? Went to investigate and saw nothing. Its something that things which would probably freak out most don't really get to me. The truth is sometimes I feel numb and it bothers me. Then there are those moments where the emotions flow. Literally flow. Nothing like a good cry right? Didn't cry when I heard about the plane crash yesterday in Germany that took the lives of 150 people but I did say "Oh my GOD" because it just seemed so insane and painful to realize some people lost so many loved ones. In just an instant....cousins,uncles,mothers and siblings were simply taken from each other and....and that just hurts because I know what its like to lose someone and wonder if and when you will ever see them again. I think that we will all be reunited oneday. I have to believe that you know?

One of the things that has really been bothering me for awhile is this terrorist shit. Isis this and Al Qaeda that. Is it me or does it seem like alot of middle eastern people sure are killing the hell out of each other and trying to kill everyone else? Its not just Middle Eastern folks of course. African people are killing each other too. Russians too. People have been killing each other for a long time. Killing over land. Over race. Over sexual preference. Over religion. Money. Cars. Sometimes some people just kill each other for the hell of it and it just makes no sense to me. We can't even take the planes now without thinking some nutjob with an agenda might show up to try and blow us all up. People are beheading each other on tv like its the thing to do. They really seem convinced some diety out there wants them to do these things. How the hell can you just take a blade and end the life of someone like that when they have done absolutely NOTHING to you? I don't understand. Maybe its not meant for me to. Maybe its not meant for me to understand the insanity or demonic influences that drive some to torment others. There are so many things about human beings which make no sense to me. So much of the time I don't even feel human because I don't understand so much that humans do to each other. Call me crazy or whatever but humanity has the power to end starvation and poverty on this planet. Humanity can clean up the environment and abolish war but why won't it? Thats what I call crazy? I ain't done a damn thang to nobody but the police often go out their way to profile me so much to the point where I now expect it when I see them.  Driving slow in the cars to look at me. Following me down into the subway. Yeah stuff like that happens ALOT and it makes me fucking paranoid about leaving the house. Just who the hell am I supposed to look like anyway? Yeah I listen to rap music and love hip hop but I ain't no thug. Don't even think I fit into that world and would likely be rejected by many who embrace that life yet I keep getting lumped into that world. Dunno....maybe I am a closeted thug and need to date me a thug. A REAL thug. Not a wannabe. Nah....probably couldn't deal with all that testosterone. Those mood swings. That mean assed glare like "What the fuck you lookin at NIGGA???" Which I get ALL THE FUCKING TIME from so many other black men. Don't know if its the "How are you doing" or "I wanna kick your gottdamn ass" look so nig like me just keeps it moving attempting to avoid that eye contact. Long as I can remember I have had this problem with other black men. Its weird. Don't really understand it. Just don't. Maybe won't ever and it just is one of those things Ima have to learn to live with. My brother hates me. Hates me for my light skin. Hates me for my brain. Hates me for my out there dreams. He hates me because nig like me shouldn't even be out here surviving. But guess what? I am.

Its something to be able to look at the world as how it is and to see it as how it can be. Maybe thats what is the power of my madness. The artist. That thing Lady Gaga says she doesn't wanna fix by getting therapy. Gotta live your whole life being crazy always chasing this mission along with some semblance of peacefulness. But the peacefulness is probably more in the art of it all than anything else. Its that GOD talking to you thing. That voice has always been there but many are deaf to it. When you ignore that voice inside that tells you to create something useful it seems to turn against you. This is something alot of people will never understand. Just the way it is. So maybe that crazy person on the street was just like me once but they fell into this version of hell on earth? Maybe hell really is different for everyone? I swear so often I walk by a crazy person and it seems that spirit within them recognizes or addresses me in some way. You can see why I don't share this with alot of folks right?

The weather here in Los Angeles has been strange lately. Hot on some days and it should actually be colder here this time of year. Meanwhile time is just flying by like a mofo. We're already at the end of March and thers so many things that I shoulda already done this year. Didn't make it to Detroit for the snow like I wanted. Still haven't moved. Other than Detector Pig I've not put out anything this year. A DragonManx episode is in post. Danielzilla is working on SonsofLegend which he's co-exec producing now. Brought in some big guns for SinsofLegend and Daughters of Legend my next new webseries. A horror film project is in the works too (realistically speaking it probably won't happen till next year) but I gotta think about the visits to see my family which are planned for later this year. It all boils down to money and being much more restrained in spending. Its not like I spend extravagantely or anything. Its just downright expensive to eat healthy and to produce short films on your own dime. Living with the crazy african helps but some overtime might become a thing you know? Or maybe a brother just needs to get a second job (like the crazy african did). My new business partners think crowdfunding (which never worked out for me before) is the answer so maybe they will be able to put together some succesful campaigns. So far ALL of my stuff has become SAG/AFTRA which I'm sure will open up doors previously closed. So I guess now you can start calling me a businessman huh? Better start wearing suits then. For the record Sergio doesn't really like wearing suits. He doesn't really like working out either but it looks like he's gonna have to get used to it. One of my actors doesn't know it yet but he's about to become my personal trainer. Just hope I can afford him.