A SOMEWHAT BITTERSWEET NUMBNESS

This has been an interesting month. To say the least. I got a chance to spend some more quality time with Blueberry Teddybear because for a B-day present he flew me to visit him in Wisconsin last week a day after I shot what will definitely be my last episode for awhile now. In light of recent events. I'd planned to take a break anyway but now I think the writing is on the wall. My sister called me a few hours ago to tell me something I wasn't quite ready to hear. I don't think you're ever ready to hear such things in all honesty. My Grandmother passed away today mere weeks after her kidney functions fell to 4 percent. I feel numb. And at the same time I feel this great sorrow. An emptiness. This woman who raised me and who I have such strong memory of being healthy and robust is now gone on to another place. I imagine it will be awhile before I see her again. This whole world has gotten so crazy so I can take some comfort that she will not have to feel the pain of watching things fall apart. The economy. All the terrorist threats. Crazy people going into theaters and killing innocents. And the pain associated with a bunch of tubes stuck in you helping you breathe,eat and eliminate waste....its all gone now. She's looking down on all of us now. Those of us who have to stay here in this place....a shadow of what it once was.

I have to start planning a trip back east now. Maybe I'll let Blueberry Teddybear do it. He's so good with this stuff. Planning. Right now my brain just feels....stumped. Paused. I'm so glad I got the chance to see and hug Granny back in June/july. when I went to Joshuas graduation. At least I got a photo of her I took on my cellphone. At least I got to talk to her on the phone a week ago. Kinda drugged and a bit out of it but at least coherent enough to speak with me if only a few moments. I owe my mothers mother and my dads mother alot. Really. They took care of me and they really didn't have to. Some would have given up on me. I have to take this stuff into account when I deal with other people. Damaged goods. The under dog no one wants to be bothered with. Because dealing with damaged goods is never easy. Its often risky. You never know what the payoff will be. I guess you just hope for the best and focus on what good you can see in these people. They rasied me the best they could. I didn't have the perfect life but at least it helped shaped me into a non-knucklehead. Which is more than what I can say about so many other guys. So many.

I remember Granny
walking with me
on my bike
on those training wheels.
Early sunny morning adventures
alongside a long country road.
I remember Granny
baking biscuit puddings
and we ran and hid under that seemingly gigantic grape vine structure
behind the house
close to where Killer slept
Killer the big black dog
so friendly
so smart
he could "Gimme 5"
(I wonder how long it took Andre to teach him that one?)

I remember Granny
rubbing vicks on me
to soothe my aching throat.
Just as I recall scaring her with those big ole
green juicy
tobacco worms.
One of the earliest memories I have
is catching her off guard
with a stream of baby pee.
(Why can I remember that? Was it THAT funny?)
Granny was so good at taking care of us
she even took care of other youngins.
Seems theres always youngins
who need taking care of.

Great Granny I remember you
so dark and so kind
such long beautiful hair.
I recall sitting on your lap
with my sister.
You were so cold
we didn't understand why you didn't move.
And I think someone was humming a song nearby
a symbol of respect and homage to a life lived well
a good person gone from this place.
Granny I remember you
laying there
in the hospital
so frail.
Sickly.
Passing in and out of wellness.
Often you'd surprise us
recover so completely
we'd gladly whisk you away
right back to the house.
Things would go back to normal
for awhile.
Then we'd have to take you
right back to those
sterile smelling hallways.
Cold.
Long.
So much jello.

Poor Granny
you had such a hard time getting me up for school.
I don't think you knew how much I suffered at that place.
Then sometimes I think you did know
the pain of being different.
Oftentimes I'd catch you
talking to the spirits.
I never said anything because I didn't quite understand then.
I do now.

I remember you did your best
you were there more than anyone else
both of you.
With your wisdom
your discipline
and your strength
because you lived such a long time.
My heart is broken
but life will go on
some semblance of sameness
yet not the same
because you are gone from it.
I will carry the love you gave me within me forever.
I love you.
I miss you.
But I am glad your pain has ended.
You've passed beyond it.

I was truly honored to know you.

****

The tears finally came. It wasn't much. Just enough to let me know I can still feel SOMETHING.
There was no sobbing. Just the sudden painful realization my grandmother was gone. She'd looked so frail the last time I saw her and it was so hard to see her barely able to recognize her own family. But at least someone was there when she passed. Beverly was right there in the hospital when Granny laid her head back and went code blue. She says the docs and nurses swarmed into the hospital room and got her out of there while they went to work on Granny. They did all they could but Granny....she was probably tired and her body had had enough. She lived a good life. Now we have to live for her.
She will always be with us and alive in our memories.

****

Last Sundays shoot went well. Nevermind the fact four actors bailed on me. What a mess that could have been. Still the cast and crew I had/have are real troopers. Soldiers (as the youngins like to say these days). We shot one scene in a donut shop nearby my apartment building. The scene involved Devin/Damon having some flashbacks as he contemplated the future. Afterwards a new recruit came inside to chat with him for a few moments. This new recruit is someone I met at the super market last month. A really cool guy named Jeremy. He was at the market with his girlfriend and walked over to introduce himself as he'd seen my webseries SonsofLegend. Jeremy was down to help my series any way he possibly could. I most definitely NEED people like this guy on my team for real. He actually ended up being a stand in for another actor. I reworked the scene a bit but we were able to get it done. When that was done we went over to my job to film an exterior scene with Benjamin,Damon,Monte and me. Like I said we had like four cancellations (Two people said they couldn't get to the location. Two said they were sick or had family emergencies)so changes had to be made. I had to cut a scene out I really wanted to shoot but we got a cool outdoor scene instead with Monte trying to kill Jeremy. Man was it hot outside too. Speaking of outside....it was there that one of the more bizarre moments of the day occurred. This guy who had flaked on me a few times before walked up during filming to ask the DP (Aaron)how he could get in on the action. Aaron was like "Theres the man you need to talk to". Dude must have not recognized me because I was wearing sunglasses. But the look on his face was like...."I am sooooooo BUSTED" I politely reminded him he'd flaked on me before and we had a slight conversation. The whole thing felt so bloody awkward though. Just a week before I'd run into this red headed dude who seemed to be cool but abruptly cut me off his friends list on facebook when I ran across him on another site where he was a bit more candid with his sexual preference. As if I would ever judge someone. I suspect he may be having unprotected sex with people. Just as I suspect he may be HIV+. Don't know for sure but due to a drawn out debate we had last year over HIV my flags are up. This is a guy who used to visit me at my job. I wanted to cast him in SOL. But he's another one of those confused brothers who appears to be running from his own sexuality. He walked right past me like he didn't even see me. People often go out of their way to make me feel WEIRD but I swear sometimes I feel like the only sane person in a world that gets more insane by the second.

Danielzilla came by earlier to borrow my fog machine for something he's shooting. Danielzilla was my roomie many moons ago. He directed a few DragonManx episodes for me. After the last one I let him direct I swore I'd never be on set with him again. Yes he has talent and he's cheap but we clash too much and he is soooooo freaking stubborn. I have to remind myself of these things when in moments of weakness I think of hiring him for a project. Aaron is great at what he does but he's expensive. Maybe $600.00 a day isn't high to some folks but as an indie filmmaker I am trying to save every penny I can. Methinks the day is fast approaching when I get my own equipment. I did by the way direct the last project. More like co-directed. I am learning alot though. Maybe I need to get serious about going into business for myself as a filmmaker this year. I am keeping my receipts and doing more contracts. Need to get some real financial backing though. I keep saying that I need that one big project to make me into a viable producer/writer. SonsofLegend ep 10 (which is slated to come out this month) might be that project. The time is now for me to focus on getting all the footage I have edited. Granny's death has taught me something. I need to slow down and spend more time with my family. Time is the one thing you don't really get back once its gone.