I have a crush. Several actually. I haven't dared to act upon this stuff. I mean.... But still at times the irony of it all bugs me. One guy took me off his facebook friend list without warning when I ran across him on another site. My guess is it bothered him that I saw him putting himself out there as an openly bi man and he didn't want to deal with explaining himself. As if he had to. Hey I don't judge people. People do the strangest things sometimes. Often it seems to be no rhyme or reason to their madness but the truth is alot of them are simply running from themselves. That stage in my life lasted for all of three months. People like Frank Ocean are making it easier for people to come clean in accepting their sexual complexities yet its still difficult (moreso for black men) to get out of that proverbial closet. I met the dude I'm talking about on the train going to work last year. We connected because he saw me playing videogames on my psp. He remarked about it being old school or something and I immediately decided I wanted to cast him because of his exotic looks. Its not very often I encounter black men with red hair and that shit is so sexy. The way he carried himself was really cool too. Masculine. Confident. Smart. Then in some ways not so smart. I remember getting into VERY public debates with this guy on Facebook over HIV. Sometimes I wonder if he is HIV himself and in denial because he would say stuff like HIV is in the mind and that it doesn't exist. Me being someone who works within the gay community and someone who has seen Aids destroy lives completely disagreed with his views. HE was coming across like some ignant country bumpkin without life experience who didn't know much of anything about anything. He did admit to me he was open to bisexuality at one point. But if he's sleeping around without condoms....and looking the way he does he can pretty much have anyone he wants....with that state of mind about HIV he's a danger to anyone he comes into contact with. I've not seen or heard from him in awhile. Sometimes I see him pass by the building I work in but he would just keep going without bothering to stop. Is he ashamed I might know his secret or am I way off course here in my thinking? Sometimes I know people better than they know themselves. Sometimes.
My second crush is someone I used to date years ago. He's a sexy baldheaded darkskinned brother with diabetes. I can still remember when he used to stick himself in the abdomen with that needle. Seemed he was kinda annoyed with me most of the time. Not sure what to make of my intense feelings for him yet somewhat amused by it all. Amused also by my affection which was something he seemed unable to return for whatever reason. I think now years later and much more muscular than the stocky build he once had; dude has come to realize what he had in me back then had far more value than he appreciated. Its not an easy thing to find someone decent with morals and an ability to overlook your flaws. In my opinion folks only come to miss these things after they have allowed them to slip thru their fingers. All I can think of is how rejected and unappreciated I felt at the time. Yes people change and all but forgiveness is something I've yet to master. Mostly I have a hard time believing things will be any different the second time around. So I admire him from afar. I resist the urge to call. Listening to him talk I feel I'd never measure up to his criteria anyway. Plus I am seeing someone. Someone who says all the right things. He gives me space. (Maybe too much) He respects my goals and really goes out of his way to keep me happy. I genuinely care for Blue berry teddy bear although at times I think the distance thing is working against us. I dunno. Perhaps one day I will move with him and then we'll both live happily ever after. It is interesting though that as time goes by and I become more successful in life people from the past are starting to come out of the woodwork from my past. Some of them are looking at me in different ways. Some of these crushes....people I have often fantasized about could oneday become good friends. I am mostly convinced you get that one chance in time and then its gone. You shouldn't look back. Some dreams have to die so that we can grow into better persons. Should I allow you a chance to be with me now that all is well in my life when back when I really needed you there was absolutely NOTHING you wanted to do with me? An hour or two of pleasure which may or may not turn out how I imagine. Is that worth me putting aside my pride to let you (back)in? Should I let you victimize and dominate as we consumate long denied passions? I think I should save those passions for the truly special person who without a doubt instantly recognized the value of Sergio when you turned Sergio away for kisses from toads who'd harmfully over the years infect you in more ways than one. Its a crazy world we live in and none of us go untainted. My feelings never went away but I learned how to turn them off when I came to understand you were no good for me.
I loved you man but
you loved that alcohol more
so much more than me.
And you loved your drugs
so much
you put yourself in some crazy situations
in and out of jail
now with a compromised immune system
you attempt to reach out to me
but you are a shadow of the person I once knew.
You love your cancer sticks so much man
couldn't kick them
then you said
I was not on your level financially.
I wonder how much longer will you be single?
Its been some years.
Can you change enough to let someone love you?
I think you may have become immune to these thoughts my brother.
I tried to love you.
Tried to love those long drug fried brain cells.
I tried.
You won't even date other black men
so its not like I ever had a chance.
then you told me
you only dated others with the fever.
Make up your mind man
I'm confused
by your bitter
sardonic
catty
womanlike behavior.
Sometimes I get the notion I remind you of
whoever stole your humanity.
Forgive me for trying to love you.
It won't happen again.
Keeping my distance from you brother.
This well has run dry.
You look so swole now
It conceals your age well
Not that I ever cared
that you lied about that.
All the youngins are all over you
until they find out
what you are really like.
Impossible to please.
Unhappy.
Unrelenting negativity
You want love so badly
even if you are unequiped to deal with it.
I wonder if the problem is you love yourself too much or not enough?
Whats left over for anyone else who tries to get close to you?
For love to prosper
you can't just walk away and leave it.
It needs your nourishment.
Your ATTENTION.
Look I've outgrown you man
but we can still be friends.
At a distance.
Stop flirting with me.
You held me
came close to more
than the brief moment of pleasure
we're still friends
(on facebook)
I see you are happy these days
still single
(What does that word really mean?)
Looking better.
Sometimes the "what if" thoughts hit me.
Still we fell out of touch.
No going back.
What am I holding on to?
Some kind of hope.
You are waaaaaay more advanced than I am
wouldn't fit in your world
Probably.
What is my problem?
I don't know everything do I?
Maybe when it comes to men I do.
I think you are still a HO
on some levels.
Too immature to settle down
or too unfocused.
I can relate to the focus thing.
You had me
then want me
Now you pop up
call me up
although I can scarcely recognize you.
Life has been hard on you brother.
Real hard.
Truth is I fell out of love with you
many moons ago.
Gave up on the idea you would want me
how I wanted you.
Now you do
so lonely man
with your back and forth quitting the gay life.
You never gave up
even if I can't give you what you want.
You look at me like
theres something you wanna say.
You are so sometimey
got used to not having you around
You used to live with me
and I am having such a HARD time understanding just what it is about you
that I can't get this shit out of my head.
Pheremone emmissions?
The voice?
The skin?
Those little not so subtle come ons
but come on
we both know we are not sexually compatible.
Or did you change your mind?
You said I was an abomination because of my lifestyle
You said the timing is always off with us
and you flirt over the phone but do absolutely NOTHING in person.
You shut me out of your life
now you wanna come back.
You still make passes at me
even though you know I've moved on
and you are seeing someone.
Do any of you REALLY know what you want?
Am I stuck in the past?
Why can't I forget
what it felt like
to be with you?
You did me wrong
But I can't forget your scent.
Or the hardness of your body
your breath on my skin.
Its been so long
yet dare I reach out in friendship?
Keep telling myself
some things are better left in the past.
You care not so why should I?
Do any of us REALLY know what we want?
No matter how enticing the fantasy might be
theres someone in my life now who saw/sees something in me
something all of YOU walked away from.
So I'm walking away from you CRUSHES.
Maybe I WILL always love you
but for my sanity's sake it must remain from a distance.
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