ToAlfa Mist -Spotify Playlist-
A co-worker who is being all weird with me these days once asked me why I keep a blog and my answer of course was so that one day in the future someone could read this shit and get an idea of how life was during this time. That is truth but also this is helping me air out stuff so I don't become a super-villain. Most important of all I would like to believe one day someone will read these words and find somethig of use here to help them along my journey. I have been aided by reading others retelling of life experiences and it is important to as they say..."Each one teach one" or "Pay it forward" People have given me things so I need to give others things to help in my own way. What a world it would be if every single person on this planet felt the same way. Think about it.
Had another one of those interesting dreams the other day. I guess they all are interesting. Lee Majors was walking in front of me and my stepdad and I think a cousin I've not seen in many moons was there. I made a comment about back problems and solutions because Lee was walking funny. Lee then tossed me a rock. The next thing I know I am in a house and I think I was talking with some family members. There was a woman but who I'm not sure. Might have been my cousin Heather who I also haven't seen in forever. We were discussing going to see a drive in movie. Don't ask me why I dreamt that. I do recall maybe a few days ago running across who I think is Heathers nephew on Facebook in passing but the subconsciousness is a strange animal. I did use to be very close to Heather and her brothers growing up in North Carolina but we have all grown apart. Sometimes I think its because of the gay thing or maybe we simply don't have use for each other in each others lives anymore. I have fallen out of touch with many relatives. Just trying to make it here in Cali and being lost in my own thoughts so much of the time...I have missed many funerals so I suppose some folks might be mad at me. Its a perplexing feeling knowing you have a family yet at the same time you feel like maybe you really don't. I suppose no family is perfect though and I should count myself lucky to have what I do have. It wasn't/isn't all bad. Really. I do feel guilty at times when I ponder too much on this.
Word Play: POWER
Power. What is it? Do I have it? Everyone has some in some manner but for so long I have been the one answering to others and having to be mindful of incurring wrath if I deviate from some authoritative figure in my life. I think its safe to say its stunted my spiritual growth on some levels. Always feeling below someone and worrying about getting in trouble. It hasn't escaped me that some folks have used their powers on me. Manipulative and vindictive. Spiritually stunted yet in full realization of whatever gifts or tactics they use to get by and then they encounter someone like me who doesn't fully bend to what usually works for them. I am a challenge then to their perception of the world due to whatever limitations they have cuz some folks really never met a true artist or someone who can articulate and it scares them. Makes them act out because of insecurities. I am searching to have more control or power in my life and some who don't understand this drive come for me and I am frustrated at times when others don't want to join up to build something. Power. Like Seal said..."A sky full of people and only some want to fly" Indeed. I'm tired of answering to others and want to see how it feels to be a boss. I will have this. I need it to be free.
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