I went to the grocery store today to get some fried chicken.
I was so surprised
when the security guard was friendly to me.
I mean really friendly.
Like how people used to be
back in the day you know?
It was cool.
someone being friendly to me
even when its another black man
it does take me by surprise.
This guy was African though
so maybe that had alot to do with it???
Its just that sometimes I feel
like other black men hate me.
Then I was just on facebook
and this cool guy from maybe Haiti or Jamaica
(At least I thought he was cool)
sent me a greeting
and tried to video call me.
When I looked he was jerking off and immediately I closed the video window.
This guy is/was someone I respect alot
he's accomplished so much
but now I'm unsure what to do?
Do I block him?
It feels like
like someone forced their penis into my brain
without even asking if I wanted it.
Am I wrong for thinking this way?
Funny thing is I acted out a fantasy
of us earlier this morning.
When I asked him why he sent me such a video
dude claimed it was a mistake meant for someone else.
Riiiiiiiiight.
He's cute.
Kinda like him
but he's a million miles away
plus its unlikely we will ever meet.
I'm not even sure how to feel
because the truth is I have basically given up on
having any kind of love life or sex life.
I suspect I will seem much more attractive
when the dough starts to roll in
but I don't need anyone who needs me for dough.
Just call me the tormented man
here in the land of the beautiful people
water water everywhere
and not a drop to drink
metaphorically speaking
I've not drank anything in over a year.

There was this guy
(I think it was last year)
He's from that show Noahs arc
and he seemed cool
till he hit me up on facebook with unwanted sexual shit.
When I calmly told him I felt uncomfortable with his actions
and confused he would come at me in such a way
dude tried to cheapen me and make me feel
something was wrong with me for rejecting him
then he blocked me.
Ironically some months later I heard he wanted to work with some of my crew
because he'd seen their work with me.

Isn't it such a crazy world we inhabit?

And people tell me I'm the one who's insane.
I am reaching a point where I'm wondering
how insane can I be for living in the truth and daring to speak my mind
when something doesn't feel right.

I'm doubting if I am truly insane
just severely damaged from all this bullshit
folks keep trying to force feed me
because its something they're used to digesting.