Some of those things people are not supposed to talk about (but I'm going to anyway)

"The only reason you're here is because your grandpappies didn't run fast enough"- Angela Bassett quote from American horror story season 3.

Brought me here
against my will
whipped my ass
over and over
and over again,
how bitter this betrayal stings
because I suspect it may have been
an inside job.
What am I doing here in this place
this cold weather
so far from my tropical climate?
You brought me here
kept me as your thing
and yet I thrived
not your thing anymore
but I don't really feel
Free.
You tore a hole in my soul.
Are you mad because I don't belong to you anymore?
How much longer will you and I struggle to forget/forgive
what had happened?
I do not hate you
for the intimate yet dreadful past we share
for you truth be told
are not altogether unpleasant to gaze upon.
I just want to understand
why you can't accept me as your equal.
This isn't declaring you owe me anything
as I am surviving
thank GOD.
This is more of a question...
How much longer can ANY of us survive
if we don't share the wealth?
***

Some of you
some of you tell me
terrible things
about me
about others like me
you say we
(what we are)
is wong.
you like to throw that word around
(not the f"" word)
the ABOMINATION word.
You say that we have a spirit in us
and we cannot enter the kingdom of Heaven.
I say where is your proof
and what if you're wrong?
What then will he do to you and yours
for all the legacies of hate
you have unleashed upon us?
***

Anyone ever tell you
you are actually cute?
I notice you man
can see beauty you probably don't even know you have.
You are a sexy guy.
You have a nice body
Nice arms
Nice legs
kissable lips.
Bet you don't even think of yourself that way.
You are wise beyond your years
you carry yourself with a refined swagger
so easily slipping below the radars of those
with their preconcieved notions of
what is hot or not.
I see you there on the street
you don't have a home
no job
no car
and I understand your situation
I've been there.
Would love you if I could
would love you if you would
give up some of those self destructive behaviors
that keep you on the streets.
It hurts knowing all I can do is watch from a distance
hoping oneday
you'll get your shit together.
Right now loving you
taking care of you
It would be a 24 hour job with no guarantee of success
and I don't believe you want any help I can give.
You're not ready.
Still in that
lying
using to get anything you want mode.

I haven't given up on you.

***
Brother
you are gorgeous
but you don't speak to me
seen me for so long
coming and going
everyday
from work
to work.
Maybe you saw me one day when I slipped up and wore my job uniform on the train
yeah it does say where I work on it
and you don't wanna be associated with
"our kind"
Right?
Only thing is
here in this city
so many other brothers do the same thing to me.
Is it a light skinned thing?
Or are they in ghetto mode
or what I see really is their happy face?
I dunno.
One minute they talk
then the next
they act like they don't know me
and some of them I have seen online.
What up with that?
They confuse the hell out of me
so much of the time.
And it hurts because they are just so fucking
gorgeous!
Maybe they'd like me if they knew me?
Maybe just maybe true black brotherhood is dead...
What else am I supposed to think?

***
There are moments I wonder
Why do the cops watch me so?
Why do people slow down so I can pass when I am walking behind them
Slow down
speed up
what does it all mean?
Do you REALLY think I am following you?
Once another black man stopped
turned around and demanded to know why I was following him
he wanted to know where I was going
After I said
"I'm going home from work"
I simply kept walking.
***
There are moments I wonder if some people are possessed
by a spirit that wants to fuck with me
I'll be just walking along and then then I'll enter the train
Its all quiet
peaceful
then this ONE person will just suddenly start acting crazy
and when I do dare to make eye contact with them
well
most of the time I get the feeling somebody else is driving.
They are looking at me but not looking at me
then it seems I was invisible until I made eye contact.
But I don't really feel in danger
How to explain this stuff?
Some of you out there understand even if you don't say.
Its a whole nother world out there most will never comprehend.
Can't really help it
being drawn into this shit
spiritually attuned creature that I am
Its why sometimes spirits follow me around
static shocks
dreams of familiar people I don't know
and electronic things disturbed by electromagnetic disruptions
(Why is is some of us can deal with these things while others lose it?)
***
They don't see me.
Sometimes I swear they don't.
Because I don't attact them.
Not those my eyes fall on.
Usually its
Older
and usually
somewhat effeminate
hardly ever black...
hardly ever black,
so what does that say about me?
Sometimes I wonder if
maybe I just am not good enough for them
don't even know if I should care anymore.
Been told theres nothing wrong with me
but there comes a point when you have to wonder
am I doing something wrong?
I don't know whats up
but the shit keeps happening.
The looks
security watching me in stores
people locking their car doors at stop lights
and they won't sit next to me on the train/bus.
People stare
looking at me funny
They laugh
sometimes maybe they're not even talking about me
but for so long it has been about me
At times I can't tell my friends from my enemies.
So I stay in the damn house.
***
Halle Berry said in cloud Atlas sometims she feels like the universe is against her.
Do you ever feel like that?
Do you ever feel
dirty
filthy
foul
in the presence of other people?
Whats happening to me?
I'm the good guy
The hero
The one who would fight to help the helpless.
Am I supposed to stick to the shadows
unable to be loved
unsexy
Is this the reward for the so called heroes of the world?
We live not for ourselves
like the golden child.
Seems the more I struggle to be understood
I achieve the opposite.
I think I am supposed to rejoice in this gift
this curse
to inspire
to change
something in people
to bring comfort
yet in all honestly I think I have never felt it.
Who could in such a rapidly changing world?
People with agendas willing to kill because they believe its their god commanding
People who kill just because
(are they really mental or is there something else in effect here?)
***
So much poison in the air
the water
So many animals won't be here in a hundred years
One tries not to focus on the negatives but some days are better than others man I tell you.
Some days the walls are closing in
makes me wanna run from the literal life or death decisions
some of us artists are creating for our lives at the speed of our lives.
I tell you the truth man/woman
when I see so much evil man does
I can scarcely even call myself of this race in this place
because it makes no damn sense.
I am a collection of
so much assorted DNA
deja vu
and psychic energies flowing into me
feel like I need to go live in some quiet wooded area
to quiet my rattled nerves
need it so bad that it can't come quickly enough.

Gotta get OUT of this city.
***
I am not a whore
but I think of them
of him
his smell
his hard arms
Him inside me
Why do I do this when I probably have you my man?
I wonder if I should trust you completely.
Thought I caught someone else's scent the other day when I came home from work
Something about that guy leaving the building as I climbed the stairs got my attention too?
Paranoid much?
You say you love me
Even bought me a little goldfish
and I named him "Rufus".
He's a dark red reminder to me
that I need someone to take care of.
I thought it was you
Now I wonder what I am missing.
I've heard it said a broke man will give you all he has
and when I'm with you it feels like
you are giving me your all.
Yet still I think of them
of him
thinly muscular
bad breath
but something about that brown skin
that laugh
those tattoos
and what he did when he was
sooooo so deep inside.
Thoughts of it still make me lightheaded.
I thought he could have been my soulmate
but his kind...
They are no ones soulmate
even if when they are inside you
the whole world seems to stop.
We were probably not supposed to happen.
He wasn't really good enough for me
and I can't stop thinking about that d...
Damn.
Does that make me a whore?
Then theres the one who surprised me
with his kisses
his generosity
his passion that knocked him out after his deeds were done.
however we didn't have anything in common
took me all over the world
introduced me to so many things
taught me some class
but it was the right thing to do
when I walked away.
Was I a trophy
He did admit to taking me for granted at times.
I miss him
sometimes I do.
He was warmer than most
funny/fuzzy
with beautiful dark skin and a smooth bald head.
Why couldn't I make myself love him enough to stay?
He was like so many of the others
The smokers
The drug addicts
those with HIV
Seizures
muscles
big homes and fancy cars
big incomes
and big wisdom for so many things
They all fell to the wayside because of the one who may not be perfect
but he may be perfect for me
and I gotta leave again
probably into someone elses arms eventually.
What is this game I am playing?
I swear to GOD I am not a whore.
I am just a man who wants to eat his cake and have it too.
(Like Teena Marie said)
Maybe one of these days I will have it
will meet that one
who won't turn out to be a bottom so we can live
happily ever after
(No thats not whoreish thinking so don't even try it!)
***

I did so want to move in 2014 but saving moolah is gonna be tough. I have to focus on the Detecter Pig cartoon and my two full length projects. Not to mention getting the videogame project off the ground. It seems a bit much but believe me there is a method to my madness. Other projects in the mixing pan are the videogame review project utilizing the WiiU and a comic book project. It will be alittle strange after The Crazy African moves out (his nickname) but on the other hand I have trouble focusing at times when he's around so I should be able to get more done in 2014. He moves out after Jan 1st.
My brother wants to come visit and I don't know if thats gonna be possible. Still if I do decide to push my move to June 2015 that will give me more flexibility in my plans. As it stands I am gonna take a trip to Detroit in March 2014 to check out the city and look at job opportunities. Comic Con is coming up in July 2014 and I definitely plan to go this time. Mostly because Leslie and them will be debuting the Detecter Pig pilot so I as producer,creator and writer need to be present. It'll be amazing to see my baby finally getting some big time exposure. The adventures of Tony P. Pigg will also no doubt help draw some attention to SOL which still hasn't quite caught on with the public. Youtube has been a wonderful medium yet I need to expand to a bigger more mainstream canvas to showcase my art. Both SonsofLegend and DragonManx will launch with amazing season 2 premieres as I have been able to learn so much about effective filmmaking even AS I stumble towards some semblance of semi-perfection. Yeah I realize nothing will ever be perfect but it'll get to the point where I'm satisfied with it.
***
The Christmas party at the job was today. Of course I didn't go. Not big on parties. Sometimse I think I should be but this Sergio of 2013 is kinda shy and self conscious so I tend to avoid people when I can. Never fit in and all you know? Maybe I never will. When I'm rich and famous folks will like me more. Will wanna spend more time with me. They'll accept me more when I start going to the gym. I know they will. Thats the way it is. I'm too busy making sure my future is alright to really focus on having a social life right now. Always on the move. Always planning some project. Even if you don't hear me talk about it. Time is money and if it don't make dollars it don't make sense. But I'd be lying to say sometimes a part of me sees others doing things and I feel out of touch. Like life is passing by and I could be missing things I can't get back. Mostly right now my mind is set on this videogame review thing thats been coming and going for awhile. Don't like failure. So despite all the crazy setbacks I refuse to give up. Going against all common sense. I feel like theres something going on with me because I have a tendacy to obsess over a project. Could be a good thing. A bad thing. A mild form of schizo I guess. Could this be fixed? Well perhaps she is not the best role model but Lady Gaga said if she fixed her mental issues it would affect the creative process.  Does that then in turn mean I should be thankful to all the humans who helped contribute to some of my fucked upness? Hmmm....  Ain't gonna lie. I did THINK about going to the party. Free food is always a good thing. Its just I don't really feel like getting up,taking the train to my job then coming back home and having to leave again later. Last night me and a co-worker were talking about the party and we got on how fast time flies. Its been seven years since I got hired by the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center. Seven years. Its been seven years well spent. This job has great benefits after all. Medical,dental and holiday pay. Vacation and personal days. Sick leave. Its the best job I have ever had for sure. Its helped me pay for my webseries and even provided locations occasionally for filming. I am grateful and oneday when I have enough money/power I will give a generous donation to the place that took care of me like a parent who loves their child even if sometimes they don't quite understand him. It does seem the center is always looking for funding. It is bewildering to me that with so many gay/lesbian/bi celebrities out there we don't have more donations coming in. Its the same with black filmmakers. There are those of us in power but the support needs to be better. (Sigh) I'm gonna make plans to go to the party next year...(Stomach growls)
***
Mr Actor
Sir
I am taken by you
often dreaming of
being taken by you.
The way you carry yourself
I would be lying if I said
I didn't love you the first time I laid eyes on you.
So perfect
Suave
masculine
so supernaturally intelligent.
Seems we were made for each other
in so many way
but it matters not as you could not
in a million lifetimes
love me.

You are my secret crush.

If only I could see you again.
Its been
so many years
and in so many ways
you never left me.

How crazy is that?