I have Sade on plus its raining outside right now and I welcome it because...well because usually the streets are not so full of people. I like having the streets to myself. Most of the time. Alot has happened since last I wrote anything here. Can't say I haven't wanted to write anything since then. Perhaps I have to reach a point where the words just need to erupt out of me. Like a volcano. I have gone through some changes. In so many ways I experienced a breakdown. I lost my mind just so I could find it again I guess. Yep I have gone through some dark periods in my life recently. And its crazy because there was really no one there to help me thru it. Yeah I do have a few people in my life who I probably should have called and yeah I do have some spirituality and then theres always the music,the videogames and the all powerful netflix but it could be said that maybe there comes a time when you have to face certain things alone. I didn't even put out a new episode of my webseries. Usually that chases the blues away nicely. I think my brain needed to reboot itself and I had to ride with it even if I didn't know what was going on. I wondered if it were mid-life crisis. A general sense of EVERYTHING being wrong but theres no clear solution in sight. I'll go on record as saying sex or masturbation tends to knock the wind out of these feelings yet its only a temporary fix because for all intents and purposes I am single. The man who says he loves me....well I am lucky if I see him once a week. I mean....if one spends so much time sleeping alone whats the point in even trying to claim you have a relationship? I often think he is someone I could actually marry. No lie. But if one keeps saying they love you and the actions don't coincide....then the mind starts to wonder and wander. And yes I have TRIED so hard to find someone else to make me forget about dude but as far as i know there is NOONE. Because lets face it....most gay men seem to be HOES. Seriously. We are often married to the gym and our bodies....our cars....our independence. I mean...when you look good and you can have sex with or be worshipped by pretty much anybody with eyes to see your perfect body and smile why settle for just one person right? Of course the perspective seems to change as one starts to get older. That shit is so depressing. Seeing others get old and die around you. Hearing on the news about people dying all the time. Accidents. Terrorist attacks. The frequency of it all can actually be scary. I think it is during these moments (when one is sober) the concept of being alone starts to weigh in. You can actually be in a crowd of perfect people who seem to be exactly what you want and you can still feel ultimately ALONE. I think its strange that most humans have to live about 60 years before they start to really understand this. The one universal thing. No one wants to be alone. And most certainly no one wants to die alone. But that could very well be the reward one recieves from a life spent pushing others away and breaking hearts or just in general being mean to others. Not trusting anyone. I can't be that guy. I can't be him because I look around and I see him everywhere I look. I think we are all in a rush to be like each other because its all we know. You gotta act a certain way. Dress a certain way. If somebody tells a joke....well you can laugh but you have to play it cool and not really laugh. Some people I know will hear or see you do something genuinely funny and their reaction is simply some sort of smirk and the remark "You're retarded" I'm not kidding. Thats how they laugh. It could be that many people are mentally stunted in some way. Some people are serious all the time because they never had a childhood or they were in some cases forced to grow up very quickly as they had to take care of someone else. Its like in the Matrix when Morpheus told Neo "You can tell something is wrong with the world". You don't know what it is but you can just feel it. This is why I have to move out of California.
My world just feels wrong. Maybe this is what makes people quit their million dollar jobs and get a small cabin out in the woods somewhere where they can re-connect with nature. Socially I have been a recluse the past few years. Maybe I have always been a recluse. I have had some good friends for sure but when i try to think of the last one I had the memory fluctuates a bit. There was George but I have not seen him in almost ten years. He had a crystal meth problem and just seemed to fade out of my life. Georgezilla was like a brother to me I called his mother mama too. There was Louis but Louis moved to Compton and bought a house. Now he lives with his woman and a few dogs. We talk once in awhile but...its not like how it used to be you know? I was close with Havier but we used to date centuries ago and he started REALLY getting annoying in that he woulnd't stop flirting with me even though I repeatedly told him the attraction for him just wasn't there anymore. "L" My surrogate father figure is still very much a big part of my life even though we have grown somewhat distant over the years. But since he got a roommate his need for more privacy put an end to my frequent visits plus our schedules are so uncanny planning get togethers is almost impossible. I rarely get visits from anyone anymore either other than "The Crazy African" Thats my nickname for the guy I'm currently seeing. My place used to be alot tidier too even though I have ALOT of shit up in that tiny bachelor pad. But when I'm going thru stuff I just kinda let stuff pile up. I go thru periods where its not that I don't care but I just have an issue finding the right motivation to clean up. So thats part of my hermit existence. The other part is the whole breakdown thing. I will try to explain this as best as I can. Basically I went thru a tough time with my self esteem because of some harrassment I had to deal with on a constant basis with people who lived next door to me. This is something that went on for years. Even trying to get the managment and police involved didn't help. I think they just burned themselves out or got bored because I just stopped reacting to them and focused on other things like my webseries and learned to tune them out. Spiritually this would have probably caused any other person to snap and I had to resist VERY dark thoughts of retaliation but the fallout of all this is I keep more to myself and have developed some distrust of middle eastern women. I have only now just started getting back to my old self. Well not exactly the old me but I am going out more and my nerves don't seem as frazzled anymore. Having a boyfriend and friends helps keep me sane and when I am working on projects I am so focused on it I tune out most other things going on around me.
So right now I don't really have much in the way of friends outside of when I am working on projects. The boyfriend is really the only person I have regular contact with. I have been so out of touch with family because I was so into doing my own thing that now I wonder if any of these damaged relationships can be repaired. In so many ways I was reacting to people around me you know? So used to people not calling me that I stopped calling other people. So used to not fitting in or being invited anywhere I just retreated iside my own little world because I felt this is the way its supposed to be. But maybe it isn't. If you spend alot of time with emotionally damaged people who may have difficuly in social interactions its easy to pick up some of the behavior and assume everyone is like this. Its also easy to be anti-social when you are over burdened with school,work and family obligations. You tend to only socialize when its arranged or convenient. The truth of the matter may be that I need to fire everyone I call a friend or just call them associates from now on. None of the people I work with or who have worked on projects with me have ever said "Sergio lets go grab a bite to eat or maybe go see a movie" Not a one. No one ever hangs out with me to play videogames either. Even attempts to get others involved in doing some cool youtube projects fell thru. I think I am surrounded by a bunch of people who are afraid to let anyone get close to them for whatever reason. I have found myself becoming just like them. Is it cool to be the loner? Is this really who I am though? I can't live my life being just a reaction to my environment. I gotta go find a place where there are good people who haven't lost touch with what it means to be uncorrupted by this world. Is there such a place outside of memories of what was? Moving would mean starting over again. Goodbye to decent job with awesome benefits. Goodbye to (mostly) good weather daily. Goodbye to some good contacts who are good at making movies! Moving is certainly in the cards for me. Maybe sooner than later depending when I can actually start saving up money for it. Just better make sure I am more prepared for this move than I was for the last one I undertook....