(Written to the music of Slakah The Beatchild)
I called my brother tonight to wish him a happy birthday and as usual we were on the phone for almost two hours. J-zilla has always been easy to talk to. Its pretty damn awesome that we share so many common interests. Parapsychology. The power of positive thinking. Understanding we can call on our ancestors for help. Doing what we like for a living. Not eating pork,beef or chicken. Speaking things into existence. Stuff like that. Really hated having to rush off the phone with him because I needed to get ready for work but something dawned on me after our conversation. I have been a fool. All this time I have been wanting to be understood and accepted by someone (often wasting my time with by bumbaclots that are not worth it) when there was always someone there right under my nose who I basically pushed away. My family. Its not to say I have the perfect relationship with any of them and its gonna take some time to rebuild bridges time has eroded because we gotta get to know each other all over again in so many ways yet they never turned their backs on me. I felt a great sadness when I though about this. I feel it now as a write....a terrible sadness that makes my eyes water, knowing I kept people who loved me at a distance and some of those people are not here anymore. I would do just about anything to get that time back again. One of my co-workers said something last night that made me think. She said we are only here for a limited amount of time and that alot of people waste that time. So many of us are running around filled with hate or negativity. At this point I just feel I can't afford to waste any time running around worrying if some guy is gonna accept me or whatever. The truth is I have faced rejection over and over chasing after elusive emotionally unavailable folks. I have languished in pain because I didn't feel I belonged in the gay community or in the nerd community. I even felt a disconnect from the black community on some levels. I have felt I was too black for some people I wanted to like me. I felt I was not nerdy enough or not quite gay enough for some. It certainly hasn't helped my self esteem or sense of worth you know. A wise man with a bunch of wives once said it shouldn't be an uphill battle trying to get in or to feel accepted. I can't speak for anyone else but my parents and siblings and mostly everyone else never rejected me. I have certainly felt ALOT of rejection from folks I don't share blood with. Food for thought huh? So todays lesson kids is don't give your love to mother fuckers that don't want it. The best friend I never had but always wanted has been here for over twenty years and its time we spent some bonding time together before more time flies away from us. I told J-zilla lets plan a road/plane trip for later this year. He was down for it and can make plans with his job once I give him exact dates. I'm thinking maybe Halloween since I have gotten that time off approved anyway. I always take off for Halloween. Usually I like to just chill or go out of town. It would be cool if we could go to Comic Con in NY this year. It happens sometime in Oct I think....Hmmm.
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