RANTINGS AND INNERVISIONS.....

I am pretty much convinced the kids here at my job hate us. When I say US I mean the security guards. We are constantly getting shit from these kids when we ask them to identify themselves before we allow them inside because we have to be careful not to let anyone that might be dangerous in here. They get pissed when we don't recognize them or if we don't know who they are. Earlier tonight a black kid came in here and was like "I live here" When I asked him his name on the intercom. He didn't say his name until I walked outside and then when I saw him on the list and let him in he walked past me with so much rage and malice I could feel it. Maybe its just a thing that people hate security guards because I have noticed alot of folks have ZERO respect for us or the fact we are usually the first responders on the scene when something goes down. One night this girl from upstairs was so fucking nasty to me when I politely held the door open for her ass. I said "You're welcome" because she didn't say thank you. Her reply was "Why should I say thank you to you for doing your job?" Its so weird because I do think I love just about everyone. Not saying I like everyone but I do have much love for people in general even though I see all the terrible things they are capable of doing. It just sure would be nice to meet or know more friendly nice well rounded LGBTQ people because I just get tired of being around so many who are mean spirited individuals. I certainly have my own wounds and have seen more hate than I can even express yet I don't walk around with this crazy edge so many of us carry. My mind is healing from so much shit....its trying to heal you know but sometimes I feel I may be in an environment thats stunting me from my own growth as a caring, confident mentally healthy person. I really do keep feeling like I need to escape from here and go live somewhere else. I keep pushing on and focusing on my writing and still trying to decide if I wanna keep up this film stuff. Just so glad I have outlets for my emotions. Without them this world can feel so damn stifling.

Not sure whats going on with my stuff that was stolen in Detroit back in August. Sonsofbitches ruined my birthday vacation and tainted what used to be my favorite place to getaway from all the madness. No idea why in hell they targeted me. The detective on my case recently told me an arrest was made in my case and a warrant was gonna be served. But I've not heard anything else since. I have to replace my passport and birth certificate. I also gotta get another work ID. Was able to buy another cheap laptop yet its just a temporary fix because this 32 gig harddrive is barely enough. In fact its a good thing I had a small harddrive laying around otherwise doing updates would be impossible. Windows itself takes up almost 28 gigs of space! Meanwhile the drama with the Daughters of Legend film has continued. At this point I realize I made a terrible mistake by bringing on this guy who is causing so much grief with threats of litigation. I also realize I should have never let them change the script but whats done is done. At least SonsofLegend and all my other stuff can still live on. The SonsofLegend webseries will relaunch later this year. Then I'm launching a new webseries soon thats a spin off. GOnna try and get some funding from the community because we certainly could use some more LGBTQ characters in the world of sci-fi and superheroes. So tired of seeing us as sidekicks,secondary characters or the comedy relief. I have so much work ahead of me. Probably am done with dating and romance. I can still fantasize about these things I guess. But in reality I feel like I'm too fucking weird for anyone and then other times I just think I've evolved to the point where romance doesn't matter anymore. Its still in my minds eye this place where I'm successful in life and there are people around me. People in my life. Kids. Animals and healthy relationships. Those people who hated me...laughed at me and ran from me because they were running from their own sexuality....they are in this vision so far away from me as if I've somehow flown over them away from them and I'm not talking gated communities I'm talking about getting to this place where I am in a healthy type reaffirming environment that nurtures and encourages me feeding so much creativity I am pracitcally exploding with ideas/concepts/art. I keep seeing it. It is only love which remains elusive and mysterious in this place....this innervision.