Headache Fueled Rant (s)

Hard to believe some of the crazy things that have happened to me in the last year and some change. Came close to losing my job a few times. Spent alot of money. Only to watch it drain away like water down a drain on a project I once fully believed in until I brought in a bunch of folks and gave away the control. No one wanted to listen to my ideas and now the project is stalled. And somehow thats all my fault even though I stepped away so that they could do their thing since no one was listening to me. Money on their minds spending it full steam ahead no matter what it takes when all I wanted was to make a little film that could. They created some kind of jambalaya Frankenstein mutation I barely recognized as anything that came from my mind. Pushed it out like a premature child but it didn't have the soul I gave it. So hungry for that money, so many other hungry hands all up in that pot trying to stir that dough wanting to put their own touch on the golden egg their ticket to ride fertilized by a monster capable of fathering someone great only the nannies and the babysitters they all had their own plans and nobody had the answers. So I walked away from it. The arguments the threats of pulling the plug, the months wasted going over a script that was unceremoniously nuked when it really was truly the only bomb we ever needed. Now its all in limbo. Aint that some shit? But I'm good. Well getting there. Even though I feel like I pimped out one of my kids only to see her exploited by a system desperate to get her out there yet with no idea just exactly what kind of music she really was. As a result no radio station will play her. They can't decide how to classify her.

This past weekend 

after a silly little argument I got put out in the streets

like I did something so horrible to a man I once thought the world of 

even though he'd become a cranky paranoid nitpicking pessimist. 

I asked him what his ideal weight was 

all hell broke loose. 

Lost a friend

lost some confidence

freaked out

yet kept it together

two total strangers came thru for me
(Someone up there likes me)

An Asian guy

A Middle Eastern guy

an African American woman

guess they looked at me

heard me

didn't see the same monstrosity he saw

and they looked out for me

helped restore my faith in humanity
and in the end
helped take my mind off pursuing legal action
some battles are not worth fighting.

I never really stop thinking of how many enemies I have
Maybe I need to stop
Need to re-enforce
I am not this thing they see.
Its a struggle to recall who I was
before I came to this city.

Have to let go of
others ideas for me.
This is not always easy
Always someone there waiting to punce
steal self confidence
feed on the fear
feeding on your very joy of life

So many people
gunning for those of us still hoping
(crabs in a pot indeed)
I guess even if we were perfect
there would be someone out there who hates us huh?

Stay inside
healing the mind
losing self on projects
and entertainment
feeling so close to peace
so close might as well be so far away
I think.

No matter how good a person I am

or try to be

or try to believe I am

there will always be those 

who will NEVER see it

and the harder I try 

to prove myself

I'll dig an even deeper hole for myself.

So easy for the person who doesn't like himself

to hate everything 

or everyone else

to see their every move as some 

evil ulterior motive.

tired of being around this

tired of being affected by this

gotta get to that place

where all the positive thinkers are.

Need to keep it together

until I can get out of here.

Funny how
my life has been turned
topsy turvy
by 3 mentally ill folks
in barely that many months.
Good intent turned against me
at work.
Might not have a job to go back to now
I wonder.
In just one little moment
everything can change.
A misunderstanding
a slanted point of view
then a friendship dies.
I really have to ask myself
was it your intent all along
to waste my time
to ruin my vacation?
Was this all personal
was I thrown out because
you had some other plans for me
that didn't pan out?
I will ask these questions
for awhile.
The only answers are the ones I can come up with myself.
You got mad at me
because I asked an innocent question
nevermind the fact
I cama all the way up there
for a comic con we'd planned to attend
but you helped someone move
which made you late
then it was too late to go Saturday
and Sunday we drove
ALL the way out to fairfield
only to find there was no con on Sunday.
Would it have killed you to check the schedule?
I didn't get mad at that though.
(Wasn't I being a good guest???)
Nevermind the fact I passed on another con
since I thought I was going to one in Fairfield.
(Joke was on me!)
I spent a hundred dollars flying out there
then I had to turn around and spend 73 on a bus ride back
on Easter night
cold
foggy
stuck in the back
with a stinky bathroom
driver driving at superspeed hitting every bump
people sneezing and coughing everywhere
falling asleep on me
no leg room
and a 30 dollar cab back home.
So tired and feeling sick
just went to bed
hoping I was gonna wake up from a dream.
But it wasn't a dream.
I was betrayed
became the focus for hate
cast aside like a filthy rag
and although I'll ask
why did that have to happen to me
for a good while
I'll get better in time.
The pain will subside
Eventually I'll get past
how terribly I was treated
I'll stop doubting myself
stop blaming myself
thinking maybe
this could have all been prevented
somehow I should have seen it coming
but maybe it was meant to be me
or someone else would have experienced it
only worse perhaps?
Someday I'll laugh at this
One day.
It was the day you saved me $50.00
because my rent was surely about to be late.

So much the tale of adventurous irony my life has become.

Some years ago I recall offering just on a whim someone I knew who was not bad looking a pointer on how they could improve their appearance and after the argument that ensued, we've not seen each other since. Its been almost 10 years I suppose since last we even spoke on the phone. He told me that not everyone could be perfect or have a perfect life like me and I told him my life is not perfect in any way. Forgive me for daring to see you for what you could potentially become. Its not as if I am going to judge you for being where you are and reject you. But the reaction is to reject me for daring to suggest something instead of just saying this is me take it or leave it. I look at my life. I see things I can change and wanna change. Thing is many people settle. They don't chase their dreams or see what potential they have. Its their right and even though I'm pretty much accepting of everyone it doesn't mean I understand the way some folks are thinking. Guess I'm not supposed to. But I can certainly understand why some folks are loners or why they only hang around certain types of folks. One word or misunderstood intention and years of friendship can go flying out the door as if it never existed. We quickly throw away the people who really love us without a second thought and chase after those people or things that really are no good for us. 

Sitting here watching Star Wars.

Fired up again creatively despite all thats happened. 

How many times am I gonna see this movie?

Its crazy how the ideas keep flowing. 

Whether its the music acting as muse

or videogames

these things they help me bounce back

when life seems intent on kicking my ass.

Time to get the band back together.