Yesterday turned out to be an interesting day. But I pretty much accomplished everything I wanted. I was up the whole night before playing God Of War on my PS4 and trying to get rid of this damn headache. Still coming down from the mess of depression I’ve been dealing with these past few months. Depression over so many things. On the job pressures, a slight persistent cold and drama….money issues….some bouts with loneliness, temporary insanity and some sense of disillusionment with film making the very thing that used to bring me so much joy. Wasn’t really able to turn to that anymore and you know why from my previous posts so I won’t revisit it again. (Man these dry roasted spicy wasabi edamame are clearing my sinuses!) I’m actually starting to feel like I’m becoming more of the me that was before although I still feel anxiety and general uneasiness (particularly when I go out of the house. I guess) To say video games and comic books help pull me back from the brink is not an overstatement. But then again they always do (pull me back from the brink) which is why I can never leave them alone. Its been rough but its been a lesson to me how the world of movies and even music can try to cheapen you and I can now say with all certainty I understand why some people have left it all behind. No matter how much money you make….well it can’t heal a broken heart. Money does make many things possible but I never got into this stuff to be rich I did it because it made me happy. I almost let some people taint that. Yeah I gotta pay my bills but I should not be made to compromise my vision. Anyway enough of that. I have moved on. Its all in the past. I’ve got other projects to worry about. So like I was saying….I was up all night struggling with God of War and surfing the web….dealing with a headache that is only just now going away after like THREE days. I’d gotten up pretty late in the day. I have the sleep pattern of a bat. My mind has been such a whirlwind because I’m focused on several projects. My first novel and its cover art. A new script for a short film I’m working on that I had to pay a gang of moolah to a well known writer to help me polish. An on off again comic book project and the impending relaunch of my SonsofLegend webseries that is taking way much longer than I planned but hey at least the script is done and I LOVE it. LOVE IT.  It was about a quarter to 12 when I got this text message from someone saying they were going thru some texts and found one of my texts. There was a photo attached of a man I have not seen or talked to in 2-3 years. Its funny because I do think about this individual frequently. I just assumed he lost interest and that’s why I never heard back from him. After texting a bit he called me. He said he’d lost my phone number. I like dude a lot I’m not even gonna try to deny it. He’s a regular guy which is cool. He’s incredibly cute too. He also happens to be HIV+. The universe must maybe want this guy in my life for some reason. Could be as a friend? I dunno. We never even got to have sex even though its something I’ve often fantasized about and acted out. Its silly to have wild crazy sex with someone from afar. Then sometimes the gods with their strange sense of humor will create the unexpected circumstances to make it actually happen. Sometimes. Looks like we might go out for dinner or something in a week or two. We’ll see. Speaking of friends from the past I had to let someone else go out of my life. It was not quite as dramatic as old boy in Oakland yet it was equally devastating because this was someone I’ve known for at least eight years. He’s an African guy. Someone I kinda had a crush on. He’s a Leo like me too. Whatever that ultimately means right? But bro might not ever admit the fact he can be overly mean spirited at times and just….I don’t even know fully how to describe it….he can be intimidating, demanding and just too fucking (unapologetically) cynical and critical. Plus he thinks he knows more about comics and sci-fi than I do. We got into an argument then he kicked me right where it hurt when had already gotten to the point where we really should not have said anything else. He said “I understand why yo boy in Oakland kicked you out of his house” I was stunned that he would even bring up something so devastating that I told him in confidence. The Oakland incident really shook me to my core and I was already dealing with a lot. The trip was to help me heal and now I lost someone I considered a friend. And now weeks later I’m dealing with the loss of another person I considered a friend. Its weird because I have seen some gay men who were so fucking mean actually mellow out and become nice people over time. I don’t believe they all started out being mean. Still its not easy for me to forgive personal attacks on my person when I am at my lowest. Then when I try to express myself telling you I need to step away for awhile your response is “Well if I can’t be honest with people then we shouldn’t be friends” theres a disconnect there somewhere. It made me feel like enough is enough and this guy is….well with friends like him who needs enemies? He’s gone. Maybe one day he will change but I have to cut out as much negativity from my life as I can right now because my psyche can’t take it. You need someone in your life who will try to pull you up when you are down not someone who will kick you when you’re down then tell you its what you deserve. Tired of being around mean ass people I swear. So that’s that. Theres no way in hell this guy would ever apologize to ANYONE. Why? Because it would prove he isn’t always right and that he doesn’t know everything. We can’t have that. I will miss him though.

Did finally get past those tough levels in God Of War. But I still ended up taking some sleeping pills that seemed to take FOREVER to kick in. Was thinking about calling in sick due to this headache. Was gonna cancel my meeting with the nice lady who’s helping me with my novel. Filling in the blanks. Fleshing out characters. Cutting the fat. Was thinking about pushing back work on the Sins of Legend comic too because baby I’m not made out of money and the rent is due this week! Must have gone to bed around 10:30amish. Got up early enough. 3pmish. Put on some music. Surfed the web. Brushed the teeth. Showered. Ate the leftover Vons chicken tortilla soup in the fridge. Took the vitamins. Watched some “Gotham” on “Hulu” then it was off to meet with my writer lady. We met at Denny’s (my favorite meeting place with the cute bald headed racially ambiguous waiter) She gave me some good tips then she walked with me down to Walgreens because I wanted to buy a bookbag to replace my Batman one which is falling apart as we speak. Walgreens had no bookbags (security asked for us) so my friend offered to drive me to Target which is where Walgreens said bookbags would surely be. We drove out to Target and they appeared to have no bookbags. Well except for the expensive ass ones a clerk pointed out to us near the “pet” section. So I got me an iron and and ironing board. Just as we were about to head to the counter writer lady reached over and pulled out one lone black bookbag that had just been sitting there somewhere that it really wasn’t supposed to be. And it was only $25.00. See I told you the gods have a strange sense of humor….