I used to be angry
so much of the time
but now I am focused.
The energy
everything I feel
I channel it all letting it flow out of me into these things I create.
Realizing there is much
we cannot control.
People will
hate
misjudge
gossip
and some will even try to
kill us
and if that is the path they have chosen to walk
its not really any of my business.
Some of my own supposed people
my brothers and sisters
have hurt me in ways that may never heal
perhaps I should have heeded my mothers words
She told me to look out for my own
She said some of your own people will hurt you
in ways that surpass anything the white man will do.
I have felt the sting of hatred
for so long
it has become a part of me
its made me sick
the racism
the homophobia.
So many have been poisoned by this world
sometimes I think my soul is tired
tired of this world
but theres always something there for me to hold on to
you see I am a loner
yet I will always have my dreams
my creativity
the videogames
the comic books
the music and the movies
the love of nature
my respect for the spiritual realms and those that inhabit it
as I myself walk in and out of these places.
My phone doesn't ring
Usually it is me in the bed alone
In a world of billions
I am alone
yet not really alone
because the spirits watch over me
this nomad
this person who these days shies away so much from humanity.
What have I become?
Better or worse?
Wiser?
So focused
on making a better future
my mind often lets the despair slip right thru my fingers.
This is how Sergio survives
This is his semblance of sanity.
Love me or leave me alone.

(Written to the music of Foreign Exchange and Nicolay)

The past couple of weeks have been surreal. The whole newness of being single and the struggle to put together new projects for this coming weekend. In a way I'm sure I am dealing with some sort of depression although I am happy that the projects are coming together despite all the obstacles involved. I miss "The Bear" in ways he will never know. I will never have anything bad to say about what we had because he is a good man. Whatever differences we might have had the underlying truth (for me)is the relationship was feeling more like a friendship. Add to the distance and all the work needed towards my career goals and something had to give. Life will go on thats all I have to say on this matter for now.

Yesterday I listened to a new song by Will I am off his new cd called "The World is crazy". It made me think of all the insane stuff going on in this world. The bombings last week at the Boston marathon....conflicts with Korea.... I thought alot about how living in this world amongst all the craziness has changed me. I took a cartoon "Paranorman" to make me REALLY think about how much of who Sergio is had become infected by all the madness and hatred of other people. Its not good to linger on these things yet you can't help but sometimes feel anger at the world. Like something was taken from you and even though you survive you might not ever completely be healthy because of shit people put you through. I got people who want to bomb me for whatever reasons. I got people who hate me because I'm gay. People hate me because I'm black. People don't wanna be a friend to me because of financial status. People don't wanna help me because no one really helped them and all they can find the energy for is trying to trample on my dreams. Teena Marie said "Stop the world I wanna get off!" Sometimes I swear there are moments when I wish I could just go to another planet to get away from all the negativity in this world. Yeah adversity helps make one strong and builds character yet I get so damn tired of feeling like society turned me into something theres no cure for. Something powerful but something feared. A kind hearted monster who will come and save the city when the bad monsters attack but when its all over I'll go back up to the forbidden mountains because I've no real desire to live amongst these strange creatures obsessed with killing themselves. Not saying I feel like that ALL the time. But a great deal of the time people disappoint me. But who's perfect right? Paranorman reminded me to not forget the good people. There have certainly been plenty of villains in my life (like the nuts who walk past my job and either yell nasty things or bang on the entrance) however the occasional hero emerges from time to time. I thank my maker for sending these angels who bring light when it seems all too much. Sergzilla is strong yet the creature still needs help once in awhile.

It seems like another one of those silly notions but I'd like to move DragonManx the series to another city. Another state even. Maybe Canada? Its not like I don't know people in Canada. At one point San Diego seemed like a good location but now my heart is set on an even bigger goal. So the main character of my spin off webseries is definitely heading for bigger and better things. It might even happen this year. Just gotta save up the money you know? Its become pretty obvious no one is gonna loan me any money or help me finance my projects. Its bittersweet because it hurts to not have that support. Maybe I shouldn't have it or want it? And just to be clear a handful of friends and family members have bailed me out on production woes but at this point things should be easier right? Then again if people keep helping you out there will probably come a time when they'll start applying the pressure for you to make some creative changes in your work. So it is a double edged sword. Better to have complete control over your shit I think. It does feel a bit weird being a black gay artist working within the gay community and feeling cut off from your peers. I keep feeling like I need to prove myself. Half the time I think I'm the only person Sergio needs to prove anything to. Because you know people are never really gonna be satisfied. Still the quality of my work HAS to improve. Sometimes I get so critical of my short films I don't even wanna watch them. Sometimes I just wanna start everything all over again. Maybe I will take a page from Ultimate Spiderman and skip ahead a year in the storylines. Thats sort of a reboot....

Its almost time to get outta here (Yes it is at work). But before the mad dash to wash out my coffee mug and hastily stuff my things back into the locker I wanted to make special mention of something that may get launched next month whilst I take a hiatus from SOL/DM to focus on other stuff. Stuff like my terribly neglected Detecter Pig cartoon. The special project is gonna be a talk show themed program on videogames. Might be doing this on vimeo or maybe there will be two versions. An all ages version on youtube and a more mature version for Vimeo a site I definitely need to gravitate more towards. No thats not saying I'll abandon Youtube. A brother just wanna expand you know? Stay tuned. Same bat channel and all that....

As I sit here listening to music from ZO! and Swing Out Sister on my vita I think about all the things that have happened to me in the past few months. Its a lot so I will do my best to catch you up on all of it. First of all I broke up with Blueberry Teddy Bear because I think the truth is we have grown apart. That was one issue. The other main issue being his health and well being which I feel is something he is taking lightly in some regards. Without giving out too much of his business. I was able to go see "The Bear" last month when he sent for me to accompany he and some friends on a trip to Canada. We met up in Detroit and then after hanging out we all caught a train over into Toronto. There were four of us altogether. This was a birthday celebration type of trip for one in our group. There were actually supposed to be six of us but she had to bow out because her cat had just had surgery which ran up a huge bill therefore she couldn't afford the trip.  Her running buddy bowed out because she wasn't coming. Now I was pretty sick the entire time and considered canceling because I'd broken out into a nausea induced cold sweat on my way to the LAX yet I still decided to stick it out with the hope I'd feel better. I did actually although I don't think I was able to go longer than five minutes without blowing my nose at any given time during the trip. It was nioce being back in Canada though. I plan to move to Canada at some point. Sooner than later. I am ready to escape Cali. Escape. This is exactly how I felt before I left North Carolina so many years ago. Still can't believe so much time has passed. The Sergster will actually be 44 this year. If I live that long. Hopefully I will. Hopefully a big meteorite won't hit the earth tomorrow and everyone will not get sucked into outerspace. Not sure even I could survive that. The way the world is these days one never knows what to expect anymore. Years ago when I first walked around Beverly Hills I shook my head at all the houses with their huge walls/fences that separated them from the rest of the world. Now I understand. Just yesterday some firefighters arrived at a residence in Georgia only to be taken hostage by a gunman who wanted to have his light bill turned back on. A swat team ended up gunning the guy down. How crazy is that? Whats even crazier is this type of thing happened in NY months ago. The world is becoming a place almost alien to me. The United States is changing in ways that make me long for how it used to be. But things can never go back to how they used to be. I realize that now. And you really wonder why some of us don't even want to to leave the house unless we absolutely have to?

So The Bear is mad at me. I can't say I blame him. After all he's done for me I ended things so abruptly. Then again I'd been voicing my concerns about things. So there were warnings I wasn't happy. I really wished he'd fought for me. Maybe its delayed reaction and in the workings? But the distance and lack of sexual chemistry just got to me. Its funny that an artist can be with someone who is not an artist yet I don't think someone who isn't an artist will ever totally understand you. You know? Then the irony is someone recently told me they don't date anyone else who works in the biz because its like mixing business with pleasure. I can only speak from my own observations but it seems to me plenty of artists are alone because in reality what we do IS our lover. Doesn't exactly keep you warm at night but (and not to discredit anyone) I think the average joe will always have a difficult time understanding us. Then when its over the average joe might have a hard time dating someone who isn't an artist because normal tends to be BORING. Yeah artists do have colorful personalities yet you may have to deal with the eccentricities as well. I have only had one lover who was an artist. He was a saxophone player. Somewhat reserved yet very happy most of the time. And a freak. He had a heart of gold as well. But I was too young and immature to realize what I had until it was too late.

How was Canada? It was fucking cold. And I enjoyed every minute I was there. Seeing the snow along with getting exposed to so many new and different cultures was amazing. The last time I visited Canada was back in 1984. This crazy white kid tried to drop a huge ass brick on my head from a bridge over me. I was looking at the water when all of a sudden there was the ginormous splash next to me. I looked up to see this little white girl and a little white boy running away from where the brick had fallen. Seems even in Canada white folks wanna kill black folks huh? I'm being funny of course because I love everybody. However if that brick had connected with my head it wouldn't have been a laughing matter at all. Seems my world didn't just start getting crazy recently with all the violence,weirdness and hate. Looks like its always been that way.

Was on the train yesterday when this guy came and sat in a chair close to me. I recognized him. By sight and SMELL. So a brother quickly jumped up to move. Somebody noticed an laughed but dude smells like piss and this one can't take it.  People always pee in the elevators in the train station and that shit STINKS. Wish they would put some videocams in there so they can catch who is doing it. Just last week there was this guy in a wheelchair all the way at the end of the train platform and dude was just trailing a trail of pee which had gathered up all around him. Of course this one made sure he didn't get on the train he did. LAWD!

The roommate finally moved out. Had to put him out because this guy was a real piece of work. Ugh. Imagine living with someone who has no value for your things and simply TAKES stuff without asking. Anything you might have laying around. Imagine someone who falls asleep with the door locked but not closed. Oh yeah. Then there was the lying and hygiene issues. Now dude is cute and I do not believe he is a genuinely evil person still there are some very real and immediate issues he's gonna need to deal with or he will likely end up slipping thru the cracks of society. I think some people know they are cute and use this to get what they want from people they can manipulate. Trouble is no matter how sneaky and smart you think you are there is always someone else sneakier and smarter. Trust me I know this to be true.

Lately "The Braxton Family Values" has become a favorite guilty pleasure of mine. I average about an episode a day. Those girls have such interesting lives and get into some quite amusing situations. Still there are some lessons to be learned from observing them. Tamar is crazy yet she does provide so much of the entertainment. Its nice to see as crazy as your life seems others have far crazier things to navigate around/through. Some reality tv shows are cool. I love the animal encounter types. Bear attacks you know? Then there are the scary animal shows. The ones that involve ghosts. I love ghosts. The paranormal has always intrigued me. Last night I watched a show about a family that runs a funeral parlor. That was pretty intense. I think my favorite reality shows are the ones about people who go camping and then the animal kicks their ass but they manage to escape and survive to talk about it. Never been camping myself but would love to go oneday. With a stun gun,a rifle,some pepper spray and a couple of REALLY big dogs.

Got a new project on the way. SonsofLegend and DragonManx stuff. You know me I gotta keep busy. Otherwise I'll be more of an emotional wreck than I already am. Maybe I shouldn't say that about myself. All things considred I'm doing okay. As long as I'm focused I'm calm. Last week I was literally up all night because I couldn't make up my mind on this script. Then trying to get actors together is as still as much of a challenge as its ever been. Well its not like there are many gay black superhero movies/shows being made. People are still reluctant to do gay roles even though times are changing for us. Theres still plenty of hate (some blk guy was grumbling shit when he saw LAGLC SECURITY on my jacket yesterday) yet if we continue to hide in shame and fear this will not make relations between us and straight folks any better. I just wish more people would take risks. We are scheduled to film on the 28th of this month. The quality of my work is getting better. The talent onboard is amazing. People will start to notice The Sergster ain't playin later this year. Its hard trying to save money for all these projects and trying to eat (healthier). (Its more expensive to eat healthy who knew?) So much has been sacrificed to get me this far but I've still some distance to travel before I arrive at the destination. Its so close though. You know? I can feel it. Almost taste it. Good things are coming. The work will pay off. And I really can't afford to look back now or let anything hold me back from my goals. Oneday I'll change the world and see my name in lights. One day I'll be able to give back just as I have been given because I didn't get this far alone....

A sneak peek at whats in store for the DragonManx webseries....

*This blog was created with music from the 300 soundtrack and the debut cd from the lovely Adriana Evans.

This is in my opinion the best script I have ever done so far so I thought I would share it. Plus its likely to be the last thing I write for awhile. I'm gonna take some time to focus on other things in my life. Along with the business aspects of all this sh*t. Hopefully you will enjoy this. Its been in my head for awhile and mostly ties up some of the continuity issues both of my series have had over the years. Production is likely to start sometime around or after Halloween this year. Theres a possibility I might wait until 2013 for this baby because its gonna be costly and it's gonna take awhile to shoot all this footage. The locations are pretty much taken care of.  One big warehouse. Covered. One paking lot. Got it. Phillips house. Check. A park bench....well let us pray we can film that part without a cop asking us for a permit. Honestly though this time around I'm not gonna try to take any shortcuts shooting projects. If its not all done legitimately people are not gonna wanna work with you,give support or take your shoots seriously. Gotta strive to be professional from here on out....


DRAGONMANX EPISODE 6 "THE TROUBLE WITH MR. CHIKLETS".
Act 1 Scene 1. INT. Nighttime. A radio station.
Elle a radio host sits down in front of a mic. We never see her face as she sits down.
ELLE
Thank you for tuning in to the station paranormals tune in to. WKPOW FM. I'm Elle. Welcome to the nightly show called "the ones who are" and tonights theme or topic is how do you fit in with todays society as a paranormal. How does one cope with feeling of isolation or even harrassment? Feel free to call in and lets get these phone lines buzzing with some intelligent "buzz" shall we? We're gonna get tonights show started with a relatively unknown tune by a relatively unknown act. No seriously....thats the name of the band.
Elle plays the song as she reaches for a steaming cup of coffee. The phone rings a few moments later. She picks up.
ELLE
This is Elle. Thank you for bothering to tune in and for calling. I guess. So whats on your mind tonight caller?
CALLER
I think I need some help.
ELLE
O-kay. How exac...
CALLER
Nah. then again maybe I don't want your help. I dunno. So confused.
ELLE
Er...
CALLER
F.... I gotta remember not to curse on the air. But screw it Elle. I think I'm gonna kill someone.
ELLE
Really now? Why not start with yourself ya freak.
CALLER
Hah hah ha. But nah I'm serious. Truth be known I've already done it. Another truth is I really can't help myself.
ELLE
What do you mean by THAT? Sounds like you need some serious help kiddo.
CALLER
You don't understand. Theres no help for me. This freaking clown ALWAYS manages to come out. I can't control him. I can't stop him from hurting "them. But thought persists why should I?
ELLE
Alright I'll bite you sick bastard. Just who are they?
CALLER
They are the real sick bastards Elle. The crazy self righteous mofos who think its alright to persecute my kind.
ELLE
“Your kind”? Black people?
CALLER
Well they do that too but we're not here to talk about that. I'm talkin about the homophobes that go around killing or beating up on gays and thinking or believing its a just cause.
ELLE
Listen fool there are always gonna be people out here who don't like you for whatever reason. Plus bad things happen to good people all the time. You gotta accept the fact you are only one person and there really ain't nothin you can do about it except live your life. Get that thru your thick skull.
CALLER
You're wrong. There is something I can do. Or rather something "he" can do.
ELLE
"He?" Who the hell is he man???
CALLER
Why he's the clown of course. But I like to call him the demon of justice.
As we transition we see Goyangee standing looking out a window as he listens to the radio show.
CALLER
Hey who knows maybe one of these nights I'll pay you a visit. How does that sound?
ELLE
Well all I can say is that whatever we're gonna be doing you're footing the bill clown.
CALLER
Forget you you expensive ass bitch. But thanks for having me on your show. Have a (bleep) you good night.
ELLE
Sure.
Elle hangs up. Meanwhile Goyangee turns to look at the radio.
GOYANGEE
Damn.
As we draw back we see Phillip is there in the room sitting on the bed reading a book.
PHILLIP
Are you sure thats....?
GOYANGEE
Witnesses describe a clown at a couple of the scenes. As much as I really can't stand gay bashers....this guy IS killing people.
PHILLIP
We've both done that man.
GOYANGEE
He's a murderer Phillip. Its different.
PHILLIP
Why? Because you have a license to kill?
GOYANGEE
Why are you giving me such a hard time about this?
PHILLIP
Because I wanna help you. Why do you insist on playing solo?
GOYANGEE
You are not a detective anymore.
PHILLIP
No but I have powers now. I can even help you find your friends.
GOYANGEE
Which means you’d be a superpowered vigilante running around unsanctioned. This is....
PHILLIP
You weren't always sanctioned Goyangee. Remember?
GOYANGEE
I....
PHILLIP
Thats the problem. Its always I....me....you.
Goyangee transforms into his costume. The camera catches him from various angles.
PHILLIP
Since you're going out at least bring me back some rocky road.
Goyangee looks at Phillip then runs out at superspeed.
FADE TO BLACK.
ACT 1 SCENE 2 INT. NIGHTTIME. PHILLIPS BEDROOM.
As Phillip sleeps we see his "twin" BILLIP sits up then exits his sleeping form. The twin walks over to stand in the middle of the room and he looks around. A moment later he emerges from the apartment "phasing" thru the front door of the apartment. He then steps out into the night with a smile.
FADE TO:
ACT 1 SCENE 3. EXT. NIGHTTIME. A PARKING LOT OF AN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE.
Goyangee at superspeed streaks through the parking lot zipping thru some parked cars. He stops and summons his swords then becomes shadow to pass thru the wall. Goyangee enters the warehouse. Looks around. Then suddenly he hears something. As he moves further thru the place he starts to sniff the air as if he has picked up a scent. When he reaches a darkened corner of the warehouse he espies a large blanket covering something which seems to be moving. In a fleeting movement Goyangee snatches the covering away to reveal a quivering half naked man. We will come to know him as Luke. Luke is bound and gagged. Goyangee removes the gag.
LUKE
Please you gotta help me man! I was only gonna stomp his gay ass until he turned into....! Shit he’s gonna fucking kill my ass and you too if you don’t get....!!!!
Goyangee puts the gag back around Lukes mouth. He looks around for a moment then he throws Luke over his shoulder and turns to leave. But Mr. Chiklets is standing there.
MR. CHIKLETS
Well hello there. I don’t believe you were invited.
Mr. Chikets forms a giant cartoonlike spring fist to shoot at Goyangee but he avoids it with a superspeed dash. Then before Mr. Chiklets can react Goyangee hits him with a sonic blast sending him flying backwards and out of sight.
MR. CHIKLETS
Gahaaaaaaaiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!!! No fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Goyangee streaks out of the warehouse. He sits Luke down and props him up against a car. Unbinds him. Removes the gag.
GOYANGEE
You start talking again and I put this back on.
Luke nods hurriedly. Just then Mr. Chiklets appears in a puff of pink smoke.
MR. CHIKLETS
Leaving so soon when I JUST got here?!?
Goyangee summons both blades from the shadows and strikes a defensive pose.
GOYANGEE
Look this guy is a creep and he deserves to have the shit kicked out of him but this...! What you are doing is wrong. You have to see that. How'd you sneak up on me?
MR. CHIKLETS
I can see that YOU are FAMILY. So you must understand the only way we can be truly free is by wiping out these scumbags one or two or three or FOUR at a TIME. Gay hateration ain’t just gonna go away by itself ya know???
GOYANGEE
Dude you are sick.
Goyangee switches to offensive and is about to charge Chiklets when all at once he is hit with a loud burst of what sounds like audience members laughing. Its overwhelming and seems to knock him out cold. Chiklets moves closer as Luke cowers then runs away in terror.
MR. CHIKLETS
Hmmmm. Well YOU are interesting. We’re gonna have to get together again. Maybe over breakfast?
Goyangee sits up groggily looking around but Chiklets is gone. Goyangee stands up to leave the area at superspeed.
FADE TO:
ACT 1. SCENE 4. EXT. NIGHTTIME. FRONT ENTRANCE TO A HOUSE.
Elliot observes a woman about to unlock and enter her house. We see from his POV as he ducks behind a bush when she suddenly looks his way. As the woman turns away Elliot bares his fangs.
ELLIOT V/O
So I’m a goddam bloodsucker. This doesn’t make any sense. I thought vampires were fantasy. But with all these super powered people running around why am I surprised right? Not sure how I got like this but I am sure of one thing. I’m fucking hungry and this one is on the menu.
Elliot moves like a blur towards his intended victim and we....
FADE TO BLACK.
ACT 1 SCENE 5. INT.
Billip walks up to a door in an apartment building. He knocks on the door. A voice answers. Rolan.
ROLAN
Who is it?
BILLIP
Its the man you promised a late night massage to.
Rolan opens the door.
ROLAN
I thought you’d never get here brothaman. Hey why you lookin at me like...?
BILLIP
Drop the ghettospeak. Talk how you normally talk or not at all.
ROLAN
My we are touchy.
BILLIP
I’m just being real.
Rolan extends his hand for Billip to shake.
ROLAN
Welcome then Billip. And my real name ain’t Gerald. Its Roland. But you can call me shake. Wanna guess why?
All at once the room begins to shake like an earthquake. Billip grabs Roland to press him against the wall hungrily kissing him. Billip then picks Rolan up and places him on the floor still on top of him kissing him. Rolan begins to squirm as he feel something happening. Somehow Billip is sucking the energy from Rolan.
ROLAN
What? No! No!!!
Struggle as he tries its no use and soon Rolan is reduced to a dried up almost mummiefied version of himself. Lifeless. Meanwhile Billip stands up refreshed. He flexxes satisfied. Rejuvenated. Then we....
FADE TO BLACK.
ACT 1 SCENE 6. INT. DAYLIGHT. MARY’S HOUSE AS SHE EXITS THE SHOWER.
Mary dries off. Levi her boyfriend is sitting there at the kitchen table when she walks by.
MARY
Whats wrong Levi? You looks so....
LEVI
I need you to forgive me.
MARY
Forgive you? Forgive you for what?
Levi takes out a gun and shoots Mary with a tranquilizer dart. She goes down for the count.
LEVI
I love you Mary.
FADE OUT.

An Experience....

Part 2.

My Stepfather Eddie arrived at the airport about 30 minutes after I got my luggage out of the baggage claim. Its only just recently that I started bringing a bigger bag and checking it in. I think I was traumatized by Greyhound temporarily losing my luggage years ago. Usually I just bring a dufflebag for my clothes and a big backpack for all my electronic gadgets. So much of the time the planes don't have the space to allow big carry ons so you end up checking it in anyway plus I can fit more clothes in a larger check in bag. Better to have more than enough clothes than not enough I have learned. The gadgets I mentioned consist of my portable dvd player (for watching redbox/netflix movies on the plane) and the PS3,Xbox360 or whichever console I've decided to bring along with me. Sometimes I bring the DS lite. I always bring the PSP but I keep that in my pocket most of the time. GOD knows they come in handy because most of the time when I'm on trips and I happen to turn the tv on in hotels to check out the cable channels its mostly stuff that doesn't interest me. Some of the hotels I have stayed in make it REALLY difficult to unhook their boxes from the tvs. Mostly all thats on is crap and they end up forcing you to utilize the pay per view services they offer. Sneaky bastards.

Eddie was glad to see me. I was actually in Orlando a month ago for my little brothers high school graduation so in a way it felt like I never left. I really love my brother but honestly I don't know him. I blame myself because I have been mostly absent from his life. Seems it was only yesterday Joshuazilla was a cute little boy crying when it was time for me to leave. He's still cute but man did he grow up. Dude is taller than I am now. He'd opted out of coming home for the funeral. When I got to speak with him on the phone he told me that since he'd just gotten checked in for school and there was so much going on he didn't want to be down in the dumps. I can't blame him really. Funerals are definitely as serious as it gets. I think in my whole life I've only been to about four or five. My uncle George. He had the military funeral with rifles going off and they gave Granny a flag.  Leroy. He killed himself and I recall the man in the coffin looked nothing like the incredibly handsome Leroy I knew. Leroys spirit was with me a good while after he died. Used to keep me awake at night because I could feel him there. But he was such a great guy. Even though he wasn't exactly a fan of gays he still treated me like a friend. It was he who stepped in as peacemaker when his homophobic brother was really going out of his way to let me know how much my kind igged him by just being. My Great Granny Katie Bell. Seems I recall Granny didn't want to get out of the car when we were at Katies funeral. Its amazing to me I can still remember some of these things yet I leave my house keys in the shuttle that dropped me off at the airport???

I think I ate some leftovers for breakfast when I got back to the house. Spoke with Mommy and Eddie for awhile. Played with Fatishas cute doggie then I went to sleep in Joshuazilla's room.  As usual I got awakened by my stepsister Beverly "Miss Big Nose" and her small army of youngins. Curtis jr,Carly,Kymera and Cynthia. Bev lost her husband Curtis earlier this year. I actually got the phone call that Curtis passed just as I was about to go film an episode of SonsofLegend. Curtis was a very cool guy. I connected with him immediately because he shares my love of comics,sci-fi and videogames. My other sister from Eddie (Fatisha) has a cool hubby but he and I will probably never connect. I have tried to be friendly but I suspect the gay thing is a bit too much for dude. Its a bit much for me at times too....

Miss Big Nose has always been closer to me than any of my flesh and blood sisters. Proof you can have strong family bonds that trump blood connections. Bev has some really cool kids too.  All VERY smart. Curtis part 2 is in so many ways like a little brother to me. We have many of the same interests. Well outside of sports and girls. He sat up late playing videogames with me a few times but he couldn't hang. Few people can. Staying awake all night is a super power not given to most. Curtis and his sisters had a very intellectual father. They all speak and read very well plus they actually play videogames which means they have excellent hand and eye coordination. They have Bev's Trinidadian strength, patience,wisdom and that old soul type of vibe goin on. I can see they all will be extremely successful in life. Once again they ended up taking me shopping because Fatisha laid the law down that I must have better shoes to wear to Granny's funeral. Fatisha has always been super detail oriented. She got that from Mommy. Fatisha's super power is her fashion sense. I think its safe to say that I am one of the few gay men who didn't get the superpower fashion gene. I have my own style but I never get bent out of shape over ironing or name brands. I like jeans and t-shirts,Nike and Adidas, but I can take or leave a designer brand. If I like it I'll wear it. End of story. One of my friends "The Chris" told me hours ago as he was whipping my butt at Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3 on the Xbox360 that he thinks gay men are so into fashion and their bodies being so important because society is always telling us something is wrong with us so we feel everything has to be perfect. It kinda makes sense I guess. Honestly I look at alot of these guys and I feel that until my life is perfect they will never even notice me. You gotta have the perfect body. The perfect job. A car. Perfect fashion sense. Otherwise you won't fit in. I can't understand when this shit became so widespread among gay men. I'm just so glad I met someone who is actually able to look at my heart,my soul,imperfections and all without ignoring the things I CAN bring to the table. I expect my lifestyle to change pretty soon. It'll be nice having someone to share it with. Someone who was with me when I had nothing. When you have it going on its always easy to find "friends", lovers,people who want forgiveness or long lost family members suddenly wanting to be a part of your circle. Its important to be able to recognize people and what they are about pretty quickly so you won't get taken advantage of. Unless thats what you want. (Smiles/giggles)

I got my shoes. Even got some black socks. We went to this store near a Ross which would have been the next stop if I couldn't find what I needed. The shoes were about $24.00 and the socks about $5.00. After that Eddie treated us all to some smoothies from MCDonalds. I could use one right now because it is soooo hot. Orlando was just the right temp as far as I'm concerned. It was right around that time I think I started hearing about this impending "ISSAC" storm which aside from some rain thankfully passed Orlando. Louisiana was not so lucky though. From the news reports I watched on tv earlier it looked like Katrina all over again. I imagine we are gonna have alot of displaced people coming to Cali and Texas again. It would be cool to room with someone nice who relocates here to start over again. I'm thinking of getting a roommate again so I can move into a bigger apt but thats a whole nother story. Almost forgot to mention a 73 year old cousin drove down from NC to pay his respects. We didn't really do anything together though other than watch tv. I have some friends in FLA I thought I would be able to hang out or check out a movie with at some point but my main contact was dealing with his own family related stuff so later during my visit me and some Family went to see Sparkle. Whitney and Jordin were great. It was a nice little distraction however the original film is still the best.

The night before the funeral Eddie steamed my black shirt and I had a radio show interview with a friend I met at the local GOLDEN APPLE comic book shop while picking up the latest from "Thunderbolts AKA:Dark Avengers" and "WonderWoman". Sike gave me a chance to talk about/promote my work as an indie filmmaker. That and my growing frustration over the lack of people of color in comics,videogames,cartoons and the types of films I support. We must have talked for about 20 minutes. Maybe 30. It was good to have a forum like that and I spoke of some others who came before me that thought as I did. The creators of Milestone comics most prominently because there was never anything like Milestone before and well there might not be anything else like it again. I plan to create a killer franchise featuring heroes of color yet I can see I have my work cut out for me as I refine my concepts. What I wish for is that more African Americans got or supported science fiction. I know for a fact comic books helped to strengthen my vocabulary also science fiction and fantasy type material does often contain alot of heart but folks just look at it from the outside. They see the flashy special effects and action then its automatically labeled as something for kids or something not to be taken seriously. Okay I'm coming down off of my soapbox. For now.

The day of the funeral started just like any other. I got up. Showered,brushed the teeth and dressed. Ate. I guess I didn't really give much thought to what would happen once we got to the service. It still felt very surreal and dreamlike to me. It still felt like Granny would come out of her room and we could talk to her or hug her just like we always did. She was such a permanent fixture in all our lives. I think we all took it for granted she would always be here. You know? I hadn't even realized that the three men who came into the living room were from the funeral home. One was very VERY handsome. Tall. Dark and bald headed with a mustache and goatee. He gave me a sympathetic smile. He likely sees this type of thing on an almost daily basis. We all shook hands. There might have been some introductions but its vague. One of the men who may have been the dad said they were driving us to the service and he said a prayer before we all headed out to the black limos. I rode with my mother,Fatisha,Eddie and my cousin. The Dad of the other two drivers was our driver. The ride was a pleasant one. It was one of those nice, quiet,calm drives you kinda wish won't end. During the ride we talked and there was some humor in the mix. I didn't really have much to say. Just looked out the window. The finality of it all seemed to be sinking in. Granny was gone and we were going to lay her to rest. It was real. Not a dream. All the what ifs and possible lawsuits in the world are not gonna bring her back again. She was gone and we had to get through this.  The limo arrived at the funeral home after what felt like about 30 minutes of driving. I remember feeling like this as a child....hoping the ride wouldn't end when I'd get up in the morning to ride to work with Granny. I felt the same way on the schoolbus ride to school. We all got out of the limos and there were some people greeting Mommy and Fatisha too I think. Co-workers or family members who came to pay their respects. I overheard things like "be strong" and "it'll get better". I walked into the church and probably held my breath for a moment as I walked in holding hands with my little niece Cynthia. One of Bevs "soldiers". I've seen bodies before but when its personal the impact just hits. And there she was. Granny lay there in purple. Peaceful and in a grand coffin the color of sunned ivory. She like Leroy didn't quite look like herself. I thought of her pain and suffering and distinctly recall thinking she didn't deserve this. To suffer all that pain. What if the doctors really did screw up? Sometimes anger overrides everything else.  I sat down in the second row. I was right behind Fatisha. Mommy was strong. Like Coretta at Martins funeral. But I know she'd done her grieving before. Most of it anyway. I put my arm around Cynthia because the poor little thing seemed in a daze. Perhaps when she's older this will all make more sense to her. The emotional part of it. Her mother who sat next to her could not contain her grief. She was in tears probably from the moment she entered the church. At one part Bev cried out and had to leave for a moment. Bev we all knew was crying for two people. Then it was my turn to cry. The tears came and then came the sobs. Curtis turned around to look at me. This was a side to uncle Serg few have witnessed. Its these moments that remind me I can still feel. Something. At one point the handsome limo driver came over to ask me if I needed anything. The preacher gave a lovely sermon. She was very personal which made me like her. Nothing seemed  pretentious or rehearsed. And Carly who'd been rehearsing the night before read the LONG poem I'd written HERE just a week ago. Fatisha had decided to use it in the program and it was a fitting tribute. Carly shed a few tears near the end yet she held it together. These kids have been thru so much this past year. I felt like getting up when they gave us a chance to say our final goodbyes. I had actually wanted to touch Granny in the coffin but I had not. Still I could take some comfort knowing I'd hugged her just a month ago. I felt her warm in my arms. Felt that love of generations pass thru me and I'd keep it with me for all time. They closed the coffin and then we all got up to give Granny that one last final ride to glory. I was so glad knowing in her final living moments Bev had been there. She saw Granny's head go back. Her eyes closed and the breathing slowed to paradise. To peace at last. What greater gift can a child give than to be there to offer the passing generation comfort in those final moments into peacefulness? The drive to the cemetery didn't seem as long as the drive to the funeral home. We had a nice female driver this time. She and mom talked like they'd been best friends forever. Its funny how women can do that. It was really hot when we got out and the sun was beating down. No time was wasted. Of course another funeral was about to happen right after ours. But I get the idea THAT sun put some speed in the service because it was no joke. I was asked by the limo dad if I would mind being a pallbearer. So I said yes. Man was that coffin HEAVY! They buried Granny in a tank. A pretty one. I don't know why my mind went there but I was worrying the coffin would fall when we put it on these green straps holding it over the hole that was dug. So words were said and we quickly filed out of there. All except me and Auntie one of Eddies relatives. I walked back to get a few flowers off the coffin then we stood and watched them lower the coffin into the ground. One great adventure ended right there in front of us. Granny's grand adventure of life was over at last.

An Experience....

Part 1.


The week has gone by and needless to say I survived my Orlando (courtesy of BlueBerry Teddy Bear) adventure. The Super Shuttle came to pick me up from my house around 11pm Monday night for my flight to Orlando. For once I was actually packed and ready. The driver was a very nice brother. I forget his name but as we talked I came to understand he and I had some things in common. He's a comic collector for one. Dude also has his own business. This was the first time I actually had conversation with a driver the entire time of a trip. It was also one of the longest conversations I've had with another black man in awhile. Thats not counting my new buddy Jeremy I met at the local Ralphs about a month ago. Jeremy was in the market with his girlfriend and walked over to introduce himself after recognizing me from SonsofLegend. We have a mutual friend (Atomik Fairy) who did some editing on one of my SonsofLegend projects some time ago. Dude was very candid with me about some things he's working on and I am a firm believer that nothing happens by accident. He expressed genuine sorrow about my family situation as well. We talked about it. Its a funny thing how you can just receive one phone call which turns your whole world upside down. Its nice to know people can understand it when you appear out of it for a minute.

Fatisha my sister was the one who called me with the news about Granny passing. It had been a week earlier when I got the call Granny was admitted into the hospital because of pain and some swelling in her legs. They also found some cancer tissue. Nothing threatening though. Not from the cancer tissue. Turns out her kidneys were now only functioning at about 4%. This meant she would have to go on dialysis. I know one person on dialysis. We've not spoken in years but he told me all about the ordeal of having a machine helping your body filter out wastes because your kidneys fail and are unable to do it. Tubes stuck in you. Granny was from the old old school so I imagine she really wasn't quite understanding just what was going on. Some special measures had to be taken to prevent her from removing the tubes they put in her.  It seemed she'd managed to somehow bounce back and they were able to bring her home but this only lasted for about a day because Granny was so out of it and in pain they had to take her back. Miss Big Nose (AKA:Beverly) called to warn me Granny might not bounce back from this and I assumed she would as she had always in the past. The thought had crossed my mind maybe I should start planning a trip. Then to get that phone call from Fatisha telling me Granny had passed away. The rug was pulled out from under me and the world seem to drop. Fatisha told me that I needed to call Mom and start making arrangements to come if I can. I had so many questions. How could this have happened? What happened? Fatisha had JUST left the hospital before Granny passed so she knew as much as I did. My brain turned to mush. It was simply one of those things that didn't seem real. I was trying to process everything. Joshuazilla hadn't been told yet so I couldn't write anything on facebook about it. I thank GOD BlueBerry TeddyBear took control and put a trip together for me. My job has 3 days bereavement leave so I took advantage of that. There was a black long sleeve shirt I'd picked up while in Wisconsin weeks ago. I decided to bring that along to wear to the funeral. I took the only real good pair of black pants I have too. These pants were used in a couple of SonsofLegend/DM episodes. Art imitates life.

It always blows my mind when I go to the airport late at night because theres always such a small number of people there. You usually don't have to wait long for anything. Of course check in is still a somewhat lengthy process. I miss life before 911. Theres the taking off of shoes and belts. You have to empty your pockets of everything. Anything metallic must come out/off. Jackets must be removed. I always have to take my PS3 and portable dvd player out which is a pain. The PSP has to come out. Sunglasses too. The reason I say its a pain is because its often an adventure getting everything into my bags then to have to take it all out and  pack it again is an exercise in horror and frustration. Honestly I keep saying I'm going to master the art of packing light. This has yet to actually occur. I thank the gods I've not had to sit next to anyone particularly rude or weird in any of my trips. There was once this guy who seemed to give off a strange vibe and he kept looking over because I assume he thought I was looking at his laptop screen. For the most part I can control peripheral vision but some people have such crazy energy you just can't relax when they are sitting next to you. There have been a few times when I had a "talker" next to me. Usually this doesn't bother me. I'm pretty easy going and appreciate conversation because so many people don't really have anything worth saying. I just think alot of men in general are afraid to talk. Maybe the truth is they simply lack social skills. I'm not the most socially graceful person (far from it) but mama taught me to always be polite and to acknowledge folks when they speak to me. Theres a few people I have been seeing for years coming or going to work who have NEVER made any attempt to speak to me and ignored any attempt I made to say hello. I'm not kidding. SOme people are just mean ass SOBs you should simply avoid if you can. (Yep when it comes to people I have little patience for BS because of things I endured in my past. Don't need no crap from you because I've enough of my own to deal with thanks) I did meet a cool older white lady named Sandy coming back to LA on the plane. We talked pretty much the whole time. I enjoyed her. It was fun hearing her talk about her kids and her life. Hey look when you've had enough you can always just put on your headphones. Its not like you really have to have your music player on either. I mean how could they know right? Last week there was a guy on the train who was trying to get all in my face to ask for money even though the headphones were on and I was trying to stay in my zone. Theres always one. Scary subway/bus people. About time to start working on this driving thing methinks.

The flight to FLA was pretty cool. I got alittle sleep then I had a layover in Memphis. Didn't really eat anything other than the complimentary airplane nuts and pretzels because airport/plane food is costly and I'm on a budget. The poor broke filmmakers spending plan. Although I did ride first class. Not sure how that happened but its always cool when it does. People walk by and look over at you as if they are trying to figure out who you are or what makes you so special. Heh heh heh. Managed to watch two dvds on the trip. I always bring plenty of those along with some comics and music. Mostly the PSP is my music and videogame supplier on long trips. I rarely use it on planes for movies. Although its a different story when I'm home. The PSP and DS help me deal with anxiety on bus/train rides to/from work. So I utilize the movie function on these devices alot. By the way thank you Sony for all the free content. Truly.

I have to say Orlando and Detroit have the biggest airports I have ever seen. Detroit and Florida even have their own trains to shuttle you to the terminals. Gotta give Detroit props for the trippy tunnel you have to walk thru to get to baggage claim. When they only give you like 15 minutes to get to your terminal you sometimes have to make a mad dash to your plane. Earlier this year I missed a flight (along with about thirty other people)because our pilot was almost an hour late and the connecting airport in miniapolis is gigantic. Even being rushed to the terminal in a cart wasn't enough to make the flight! Ended up staying opvernight in a hotel courtesy of Delta. (But a $12 dollar voucher for food in an airport Delta? REALLY???) When I did finally get to Orlando Tues morning I had to wait half an hour before Eddie (my step dad who has been married to Mommy since the meteor killed the dinosaurs) arrived. To say I was glad to be out of that air conditioned airport is an understatment. But I quickly had to come out of my hoodie because the sun was in full effect. Its interesting I've already been to Florida three times this year and how familiar this place is becoming to me. I plan a move for sometime this year. Hopefully I can afford it. It would be nice being closer to family. Florida is not ideal for a person like me who doesn't have a car. I'm thinking New York or Canada may be my next destinations. Europe? As the years go by the ties of family seem to grow even more important. Plus its always fun being around those you grew up with. Granny spent so much time in a rest home and I always used to fantasize about living in a big house where she was able to have her own room and all.  Sometimes recently I wondered if she were alone too much. At least in the rest home she had a sort of social life. Living with my mom she was home alot because everyone else is working.  Bev and Eddie would have been able to spend more time with her. Eddie is retired now I think and Miss Big Nose moved from Jersey to be closer to Mom and Eddie. Also Florida is hella cheaper than Jersey. If only Granny had lived long enough to see me finally take that walk on the red carpet in Hollywood. Its important to me that my family feels proud of me. Granny's passing made me realize that even though I have not become the person I want my parents to be proud of  (not exactly) these are important years that can not be allowed to slip away. Joshua's current relationship with me is the cautionary tale of what happens when you wait too long trying to make your life perfect enough so that you feel you can bring something to the equation. Granny's passing is also a reminder to me most people are probably not gonna be here forever. Better grab them and tell them you love them before its too late. Visit more often. Make time because when its gone its a wrap.

Eddie helped me get my luggage in the back of the car. He's not as big as he used to be. He used to win all sorts of awards for bodybuilding back when we lived in NY. I think he's about 5 feet 9. His weight probably peaked at 235 which was super huge to a kid like me. Eddie had all these weight and fitness magazines which I'd use to help me learn to draw musclemen. This honed my appreciation for the male body but I'm not so much attracted to musclemen anymore. Not really. My experience has taught me they usually want other gym fit dudes like themselves so mostly now I just tune them out because I see so many these days. One day I'll get in better shape. Probably after I make my big move. To another state? Eddie told me he was having some work done on the internet connection at home. Mommy was out shopping for stuff to wear to the funeral. Her and Fatisha. Eddie and my mom have the wonkiest internet set-up I have ever seen. They are with this company called Brighthouse. Not sure whats up with the wi-fi at the house either. One minute its fine. The next you just get kicked offline for no reason. The wi-fi is not locked though so that could be a part of the problem. Folks stealing their bandwidth and shit. Also there could be some faulty wiring or spiritual activity causing interference with electrical stuff. The TV actually started turning down by itself and we couldn't really fix it. (Granny at some point in life saw fit to "annoint it"!) Plus there was some flickering lights once in awhile. Lightning actually struck Joshuas tv some years ago so maybe thats why stuff acts up. I dunno. I did know it was gonna be strange going back to the house with Eddie after he ran his errands and there would be no Granny coming out of her room to greet us. The only place she greets me now is in my dreams. I dreamt just the other day she was going to drive a car out of a garage but I had to clear a blocked path for her. Mom said Granny never drove a day of her life. My dreams often don't seem to make any sense (and they are plentiful) but the parapsychologist in me (of course) has to wonder if this is a message of some sort for me.Wouldn't that be a trip?

A SOMEWHAT BITTERSWEET NUMBNESS

This has been an interesting month. To say the least. I got a chance to spend some more quality time with Blueberry Teddybear because for a B-day present he flew me to visit him in Wisconsin last week a day after I shot what will definitely be my last episode for awhile now. In light of recent events. I'd planned to take a break anyway but now I think the writing is on the wall. My sister called me a few hours ago to tell me something I wasn't quite ready to hear. I don't think you're ever ready to hear such things in all honesty. My Grandmother passed away today mere weeks after her kidney functions fell to 4 percent. I feel numb. And at the same time I feel this great sorrow. An emptiness. This woman who raised me and who I have such strong memory of being healthy and robust is now gone on to another place. I imagine it will be awhile before I see her again. This whole world has gotten so crazy so I can take some comfort that she will not have to feel the pain of watching things fall apart. The economy. All the terrorist threats. Crazy people going into theaters and killing innocents. And the pain associated with a bunch of tubes stuck in you helping you breathe,eat and eliminate waste....its all gone now. She's looking down on all of us now. Those of us who have to stay here in this place....a shadow of what it once was.

I have to start planning a trip back east now. Maybe I'll let Blueberry Teddybear do it. He's so good with this stuff. Planning. Right now my brain just feels....stumped. Paused. I'm so glad I got the chance to see and hug Granny back in June/july. when I went to Joshuas graduation. At least I got a photo of her I took on my cellphone. At least I got to talk to her on the phone a week ago. Kinda drugged and a bit out of it but at least coherent enough to speak with me if only a few moments. I owe my mothers mother and my dads mother alot. Really. They took care of me and they really didn't have to. Some would have given up on me. I have to take this stuff into account when I deal with other people. Damaged goods. The under dog no one wants to be bothered with. Because dealing with damaged goods is never easy. Its often risky. You never know what the payoff will be. I guess you just hope for the best and focus on what good you can see in these people. They rasied me the best they could. I didn't have the perfect life but at least it helped shaped me into a non-knucklehead. Which is more than what I can say about so many other guys. So many.

I remember Granny
walking with me
on my bike
on those training wheels.
Early sunny morning adventures
alongside a long country road.
I remember Granny
baking biscuit puddings
and we ran and hid under that seemingly gigantic grape vine structure
behind the house
close to where Killer slept
Killer the big black dog
so friendly
so smart
he could "Gimme 5"
(I wonder how long it took Andre to teach him that one?)

I remember Granny
rubbing vicks on me
to soothe my aching throat.
Just as I recall scaring her with those big ole
green juicy
tobacco worms.
One of the earliest memories I have
is catching her off guard
with a stream of baby pee.
(Why can I remember that? Was it THAT funny?)
Granny was so good at taking care of us
she even took care of other youngins.
Seems theres always youngins
who need taking care of.

Great Granny I remember you
so dark and so kind
such long beautiful hair.
I recall sitting on your lap
with my sister.
You were so cold
we didn't understand why you didn't move.
And I think someone was humming a song nearby
a symbol of respect and homage to a life lived well
a good person gone from this place.
Granny I remember you
laying there
in the hospital
so frail.
Sickly.
Passing in and out of wellness.
Often you'd surprise us
recover so completely
we'd gladly whisk you away
right back to the house.
Things would go back to normal
for awhile.
Then we'd have to take you
right back to those
sterile smelling hallways.
Cold.
Long.
So much jello.

Poor Granny
you had such a hard time getting me up for school.
I don't think you knew how much I suffered at that place.
Then sometimes I think you did know
the pain of being different.
Oftentimes I'd catch you
talking to the spirits.
I never said anything because I didn't quite understand then.
I do now.

I remember you did your best
you were there more than anyone else
both of you.
With your wisdom
your discipline
and your strength
because you lived such a long time.
My heart is broken
but life will go on
some semblance of sameness
yet not the same
because you are gone from it.
I will carry the love you gave me within me forever.
I love you.
I miss you.
But I am glad your pain has ended.
You've passed beyond it.

I was truly honored to know you.

****

The tears finally came. It wasn't much. Just enough to let me know I can still feel SOMETHING.
There was no sobbing. Just the sudden painful realization my grandmother was gone. She'd looked so frail the last time I saw her and it was so hard to see her barely able to recognize her own family. But at least someone was there when she passed. Beverly was right there in the hospital when Granny laid her head back and went code blue. She says the docs and nurses swarmed into the hospital room and got her out of there while they went to work on Granny. They did all they could but Granny....she was probably tired and her body had had enough. She lived a good life. Now we have to live for her.
She will always be with us and alive in our memories.

****

Last Sundays shoot went well. Nevermind the fact four actors bailed on me. What a mess that could have been. Still the cast and crew I had/have are real troopers. Soldiers (as the youngins like to say these days). We shot one scene in a donut shop nearby my apartment building. The scene involved Devin/Damon having some flashbacks as he contemplated the future. Afterwards a new recruit came inside to chat with him for a few moments. This new recruit is someone I met at the super market last month. A really cool guy named Jeremy. He was at the market with his girlfriend and walked over to introduce himself as he'd seen my webseries SonsofLegend. Jeremy was down to help my series any way he possibly could. I most definitely NEED people like this guy on my team for real. He actually ended up being a stand in for another actor. I reworked the scene a bit but we were able to get it done. When that was done we went over to my job to film an exterior scene with Benjamin,Damon,Monte and me. Like I said we had like four cancellations (Two people said they couldn't get to the location. Two said they were sick or had family emergencies)so changes had to be made. I had to cut a scene out I really wanted to shoot but we got a cool outdoor scene instead with Monte trying to kill Jeremy. Man was it hot outside too. Speaking of outside....it was there that one of the more bizarre moments of the day occurred. This guy who had flaked on me a few times before walked up during filming to ask the DP (Aaron)how he could get in on the action. Aaron was like "Theres the man you need to talk to". Dude must have not recognized me because I was wearing sunglasses. But the look on his face was like...."I am sooooooo BUSTED" I politely reminded him he'd flaked on me before and we had a slight conversation. The whole thing felt so bloody awkward though. Just a week before I'd run into this red headed dude who seemed to be cool but abruptly cut me off his friends list on facebook when I ran across him on another site where he was a bit more candid with his sexual preference. As if I would ever judge someone. I suspect he may be having unprotected sex with people. Just as I suspect he may be HIV+. Don't know for sure but due to a drawn out debate we had last year over HIV my flags are up. This is a guy who used to visit me at my job. I wanted to cast him in SOL. But he's another one of those confused brothers who appears to be running from his own sexuality. He walked right past me like he didn't even see me. People often go out of their way to make me feel WEIRD but I swear sometimes I feel like the only sane person in a world that gets more insane by the second.

Danielzilla came by earlier to borrow my fog machine for something he's shooting. Danielzilla was my roomie many moons ago. He directed a few DragonManx episodes for me. After the last one I let him direct I swore I'd never be on set with him again. Yes he has talent and he's cheap but we clash too much and he is soooooo freaking stubborn. I have to remind myself of these things when in moments of weakness I think of hiring him for a project. Aaron is great at what he does but he's expensive. Maybe $600.00 a day isn't high to some folks but as an indie filmmaker I am trying to save every penny I can. Methinks the day is fast approaching when I get my own equipment. I did by the way direct the last project. More like co-directed. I am learning alot though. Maybe I need to get serious about going into business for myself as a filmmaker this year. I am keeping my receipts and doing more contracts. Need to get some real financial backing though. I keep saying that I need that one big project to make me into a viable producer/writer. SonsofLegend ep 10 (which is slated to come out this month) might be that project. The time is now for me to focus on getting all the footage I have edited. Granny's death has taught me something. I need to slow down and spend more time with my family. Time is the one thing you don't really get back once its gone.