Build up to greater things to come (Written to How to train your Dragon 2 soundtrack/Star Trek 2/God of War 2 soundtrack. Also Star Wars superlative edition).

After giving it a great deal of thought I decided its time for me to take a six month long hiatus from filming after October. But until then I still have alot of work to do. There are two projects I have lined up. They are pretty big undertakings if I must say so myself. (There may be a 3rd non SOL related  project but I have not made up my mind about that yet) As it is There are several projects either getting editing work done on them or waiting to get edited. The SinsofLegend/Daughters of Legend teaser project is getting worked on by Danielzilla. This was shot awhile back and will introduce the concepts for what will become two more SonsofLegend spin off webseries. The teaser will debut as a SonsofLegend "Origins" Special. This is also a kind of filler episode of SonsoLegend since I've not released a new SonsofLegend episode in quite a while. Danielzilla shot the first season 2 episode of SonsofLegend already but we have been having alot of trouble getting the actors picked for this episode to come back for other episodes. Some people are just flakey and others just wanna get paid. I don't have a problem paying people. I've been doing it for years. I do realize everyone has bills so from now on I'll give all my actors/actresses at least minimum wage for their time and not listen to folks who say not to pay the talent. Apparently there are alot of people who feel that way.  Danielzilla also shot some scenes to be used in future SonsofLegend and DragonManx episodes. Next month I plan to shoot a kick ass outdoor scene that will be combined with the DragonManx stuff to make a complete episode number 4 for season 2. I may try to go to Detroit in Oct to shoot another scene that will introduce a new love interest for DragonManx and put that in ep 4 as well. Originally I'd planned to bring back Phillip (from his coma) since Monte told me he was moving back to Cali from Texas but the move has been put on hold for at least six months so that will have to wait. Now that "The Crazy African" has moved in with me I'm able to save up more money thus a trip to Detroit seems reasonably do-able this time around. I gotta book my ticket at least a month in advance though. The lowest prices I have seen are in the neighborhood of 4 hundred bucks. I'd be flying out the day before Halloween and returning three days later. Still don't have a place to stay though. Nathan and I are still on weird with each other because he pissed me off maybe a week or two after I got back to LA. I was on my way out to the movies and even though I was close to being late I decided to quickly text him to request he open the netflix movie I had left there before he dropped it in the mail so netflix wouldn't just send it back thinking it hadn't been watched/recieved. If that makes any sense. But Nathan was like "I think you meant to say please" or something to that effect. I called him to see if he was joking and he wasn't. He took the text as I was being rude or something. Even after I repeatedly assured him I was not. After about 15 minutes of going back and forth he seemed to reluctantly agree maybe I wasn't being rude. Of course I asked him if there was something else behind this or if there was something else on his mind but Nathan said no. Maybe he was just having a bad day or something. I do feel bad because the few friends I do have I'd like to hold on to them. Nathan has run across some really fucked up characters in his life. Sometimes I think this is why he has a bit of an edge about him. Maybe oneday we will pick up where we left off but its not likely to happen.

I know I've said this before....a certain editor/director is very good at what he does yet I find that its difficult to get along with him at times. I mean we BUTT heads and I find myself going to deep dark places. We argue on set sometimes too in front of the cast/crew which is really unprofessional. Considering he got into it with the last PA I picked....well maybe its not me. Maybe its a guy thing because he usually hires women PAs. Could be an aggression thing.  I'll have an idea and he'll simply knock it down or second guess me. He has straight out told me what he was gonna use in my script. Chalk it up to sleep deprivation? I dunno. What I do know is I NEVER have these kinds of issues with anyone else I work with though so its potentially toxic. These things make me dread coming on set or putting together a production. Dude is a fast editor. He gives me a good price and he's GOOD. Getting even better too yet I honestly feel in my heart now might be time to start getting the hell out of Dodge. The last project I did I didn't even say anything about it ahead of time because I didn't want him to know. That was the first time I have ever done that. Ask me why and I can't even find the words. There have been other situations trust me. Some decisions are not easy to make. Even when you know its for the best. Not saying he's a bad person. Because he's not. I'm just saying my nerves have reached THAT point. And thats all I'm gonna say about that.

So I hired this cool DP months ago. His name is Chris. Chris has already done some stuff for me. Last weekend we did the pilot for "Daughters of Legend". He's also done a cool episode of DragonManx. He's a fun guy. Easy to work with and easily accessible. We're doing the pilot episode for "SinsofLegend" this weekend. Its gonna be quite an ambitious project I gotta tell you but its a relatively easy script with few actors in it. Now I'm always worried about scheduling because actors can at no moments notice get booked on a bigger budget project....yet I'm mostly worried about post due to some pretty wild special effects work. Did the call sheet yesterday. There are four actors total. Five if you count me. The episode starts with some voiceover from Karter Spellkast. Karter is the son of Devin Spellkast who is the face and driving force behind the SonsofLegend program. Karter and Devin absolutely hate each other because Karter used to be a super villain until something happened that made him change. Karter has now decided to form his own company called "SinsofLegend" which hires security guards who used to be super villains but are now looking for an opportunity to do something better with their lives. The first scene of the episode introduces us to the gangbanger vampire Elliot (He's already appeared in DragonManx) and Angkor (A new character) Angkor wears a blue ring around his neck with power similar to the Green Lanterns but it corrupts like The One Ring so you can use it as long as you basically avoid letting it touch your skin otherwise it'll drive you insanely evil. Angkor's ring was passed down to him from six generations of villains. Angkor is trying to be a good guy because he hates his father who happens to be disgustingly stinking filthy rich. He stole the ring from his family who took it from his dad when he went overboard in his schemes. After six generations of badness Angkor believes he can bring back honor to his family name. Angkor may be bi. Elliot and Angkor come across a fire flinging super villain who steals a mysterious book they are guarding. After a car chase and a spectacular battle which happens in the second scene Elliot and Angkor manage to stop the thief and recover the book. After the credits roll there is a short scene where Karter gives the book to Goyangee (my character) Which explains why Goyangee ends up going to Detroit in his own webseries. In October we're doing a desert type DragonManx scene involving an ancient city being brought up from underground (by the evil reality warping clown Mr. Chiklets and the diabolical psionic Dr. Pernell) to serve as a sort of utopia for gays and lesbians who wish to live in their own society. Like I said there may be a Detroit scene too but I gotta see how my money is looking because I don't wanna break the bank. I'd love to have Goyangee in some sort of love scene because its something we've not really seen yet. But finding a guy to play a love interest has been tough. Why? Well its not hard to find fem type gay actors but the masculine types of guys I tend to find interesting mostly seem to be hiding unless I'm looking in the wrong places. I've used date sites before and recruited folks off the streets. Maybe I need to start going to black mens groups or checking out the clubs. Its easier to approach guys in these types of settings anyway. They do sometimes think you're giving them a line but it helps when you've got some kick ass looking footage up on youtube to show them. And yes I am open to casting a man of another race as a love interest too. Sometimes its easier to deal with gay men who are not African American. I said African American not black in general. In my experience alot of American gay black men can often be kinda mean and have some issues. There is alot of self hate going around in this city too. The way some of these guys look at you. Its almost like "Drop dead" or something. Someone told me recently people seem to act as if you are trying to pick them up if you say hello. Can't speak for anyone else but I always get happy when someone says hello to me. Its actually quite rare. I think sometimes I'm getting used to this and when I go places where people are nice I just don't even know how to process it. Still one can't do a story about a gay character without giving him some kind of a love life. Don't even know how comfortable I'd feel about doing a sex scene. I mean if I had a body like Vin Diesels or Frank Ocean I'd be less self conscious. Plus the first time I did a romantic type scene I got hard and the director laughed at me. I kinda laughed too. Not much. People do want you to have the perfect body in anything these days if you are gonna take off your shirt. Still love scenes can be tastefully done fully clothed. Just kinda move the camera and then fade out when things start to get too hot and heavy. What if I had to do a hot shower scene with Michael Sam,Frank Ocean or Zachary Quinto? John Amaechi? What if it was with all four of them??! Could I cope without "embarrassing" myself? One can only dream. Still what would it do for DragonManx if there was a hot shower scene or any scene for that matter; featuring a well known celebrity and what would be the likelihood of pulling it off? Hmmmmm.... Could be something worth looking into I think.

More than likely the Detroit trip is gonna happen next year around April. Realistically I wanna move into a bigger apartment. We need a bigger space and I am tired of fighting a seemingly never ending battle with unwanted "guests". I mean it was one thing to finally drive off the pigeons who'd taken over my balcony but roaches ain't no joke at all. I've tried just about everything short of hire an exterminator to come in and spray. Thing is there are so many people in the building now and too many don't really seem to care about keeping the place clean as to not attract pests. After living there since Jan 1997 it is definitely time to leave. Spokane is a nice little place not far from Canada or Detroit and I could get a fresh start whilst continuing DragonManx since he's based in Detroit now. These are just some of the things I have to think of. Besides the fact I have a man living with me now who might actually be the last of a hand full of truly romantic LTR oriented gay man left alive in this city. Seriously. Sometimes I don't trust "The Crazy African" but he's reasonable 99% of the time. Taking him with me might not be a good idea if I could support both of us during a transition. Then theres the other thing weighing heavy on my mind. Over time my connections with family have faltered because I've been so focused on my goals yet as time passes I realize....well I realize I need to start spending more time with these people who knew me when. Time to come out of my shell a bit. I think I've proven myself as a man out here in the wilderness. I beat the big bad monster so its time to go back home. Not with quite the prize I imagined but at least I'm not empty handed. Wish I was exaggerating when I say I tend to look away when I see another black guy. And I hate that I feel that way. Its been all over the news recently this Michael Brown issue. As a black man I can certainly relate to the anger of the community. My community? I ofetn don't feel a part of it at all. Even though I have been called an activist of a sort. I know full well what its like to be ordered out of a car at gunpoint by police officers because they thought I was somebody else. I know what its like to be racially profiled. Followed around in stores. Searched because I "looked" suspicious. My struggle isn't all that exclusive yet I feel like I mostly stand apart from my race. Truth be told I tend to feel I stand apart from the human race. Every now and then a news article will pop up or something will remnd me of the goodness humanity is capable of. Like tonight on the news I saw a story about a teacher who ran out of sick days due to her cancer and a bunch of teachers came together to give her their sick days. There is so much evil in this world that sometimes we can lose track of the good. There was a guy on tv some radicals beheaded and I told one of my co-workers when I was her age we never had crazy stuff like that happpening on tv. She said social media makes all these things possible though. People using the media to spread their own brand of cancer I guess. Fear. Hatred. It does seem like so many people are angry too. I remember how fun it was to read comics now so many are dark. It used to be fun to go read news articles and forums on IGN.com but now it like Xbox live and PSN is populated largely by cynical,homophobic racist people all of whom are ANGRY at me because....well because I'm not angry. Well I guess to some degree I am angry. But mostly its anger I learned to channel constructively. Then there are so many people running around with mental issues. Maybe we all are mental yet if something is holding you back on achieving happiness in this world its not really rocket science to go find help for whatever the problem is. Just so many bipolar people and light cases of dementia. Yeah I know who you are even though I don't say anything. (Sigh) We are none of us perfect but for GODs sake either get a bandaid to put on that or get rid of it so the rest of us won't have to suffer. Please. Please?

VENTING.

The adventure continues. The filmmaking adventure anyway. Seems thats one of the few things I do right and that I can take some pride in because consistency has yielded some progression. I know some folks will look at my work thinking its utter crap but I don't really think what I do is crap. Things were certainly alot rougher when I first started but now I'm wiser and (gasp) what do you know....its likely at this point I know what I'm doing. Talk about a road less traveled. My methods haven't been amongst the most conventional yet I've managed to get some decent results. Even if I sacrificed so much for these results. Sacrificed so much in the way of friendships and family relationships. But truth be told over time I'm gotten so tired of people that my ability to interact with them has weakened. Mostly I don't feel I measure up to what others think my life should be. I should be driving. Should have a house. Should have fifty thousand saved up in the bank. Should go to the gym and should not be working as a security guard at age 45. Its weird and even though people might not always say these things I can look in their eyes and see the judgement. Its almost as if they are thinking "What is this creature? How is it even still alive or surviving?" But I am surviving. Maybe I don't have a gym perfect body. Maybe I don't wear the most expensive name brand fashionably accepted clothes/shoes. Still I survive. Still I believe in something bigger than myself that I can have oneday if I just NEVER give up on it even if others will look on without understanding me. Some will try to stop me. Some bring negativity or discouragment and thats okay because they don't know me. Sometimes I feel that this battle of mine to achieve this so elusive goal may eventually take my life but at least I will leave here happy knowing I never gave up. Call me a fool. Spread rumors about me. Try to diagnose me from a distance never volunteering to help. Call me mad if you will. To some degree its true. It is what it is. Some of that madness was put in me by other people. Thats why I struggle with this love hate relationship with the human race. But I'm not really mad at any one. In truth this is who I am supposed to be. This I'll take over being some boring knucklehead running around with no purpose or sense of self. One day I'll be riding that night shift that the commodores sang about. I'm not afraid of the peace awaiting or seeing loved ones I miss so much again. Until that day comes and I am free at last from these confines I will continue to fight for my dreams and my right to be happy here. Maybe its okay most people won't understand or like me. I've learned to deal with the loneliness by burying myself in creation. Especially during those moments when I longed for arms to hug some of the pain away. Those arms still haven't come you know. After 45 years I still feel like that lone gay black man movie character semi-hero who struggles for a cause feeling so much like the outsider many I look up to represent. Ain't gonna lie....sometimes the loneliness is almost too much to bear. I wonder if Robin Williams felt like this. Seriously. If you have never felt REAL depression its no joke at all. I thank my higher power for giving me some kind of strength to keep going. I am so thankful I have a handful of people who have been there to throw a lifeline out at those crucial moments. But most of all I am so thankful for having the creative power of imagination. Yeah it makes me eccentric in so many ways yet its my superpower. It allows me to change my world and even the world around me. The irony of having such a great power is that is that so many of us end up ultimately alone because of it. Some of us can't live with the knowledge of that certainty. I guess Johnny Depp would call me a Mexi-can and not a Mexi-cant.... I have so much work to do.

****

Jay moved in (officially) this week. He came by Monday to help me start moving things around to make room for him. We ended up giving in to passion again even though I said I wouldn't do that again with him because I'm still mad at him for staying away so long. I don't understand how you can say you love someone yet stay away for two weeks. If you live far apart this is understandable but man we live in the same city. He says he doesn't have anyone else but I will never believe him. I don't hate him but I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket if that makes any sense. I can't try and commit to someone I don't trust. Whatever we do have....its definitely something I need because I haven't been able to find anyone else here worth dating....still I'd be a fool to deny we are on borrowed time. There are a couple of other guys who live in other states who have expressed interest in getting to know me better. Mostly I'm intimidated by them because they are more stable in their lives than I am. A couple of people have told me I'm too hard on myself and that I shouldn't judge myself by what other people put out as standards. Some people really have NOTHING but they have a long list of requirements for anyone they might consider going out with. Also someone said by staying away from these guys because I don't feel I'm on their level I'm actually not giving them the chance to decide if they wanna go out with me. But black gay men want you to have your shit together. They do. When you're rolling in the dough and have a fabulous body everyone wants to go out with you. Thats just the way it is. I can't honestly say all black gay men are like that but at least 75% are. The irony of all this is many of these guys are single because they are not really meeting people up to their standards or they are just too dumb to realize none of these things are gonna keep you happy with someone else. The key to any successful relationship is compromise. Sometimes you can actually help a person become that guy you desire. I know. What a concept right?  People just want it right here and right now with no waiting. Maybe they are just too lazy to put in work. A flower does need some watering and fertilizer to grow. (Did I just say fertilizer?)

Jay is a nice guy. He doesn't drive. He doesn't have a million dollars either but he's genuinely cool. I mean to say I have NEVER ever seen this guy lose his temper over ANYTHING. He's pretty funny too. Maybe African men men have super stay in shape powers because with almost no effort many have amazing bodies. Jay is one of those guys. He's got the gift of voice as well which he utilizes in church pretty frequently. Its certainly a complex situation I've gotten into with this devilishly handsome dark skinned Christmas baby. Yep he was born Dec 25th. Jay is still getting his life together after leaving Liberia under threat of murder for being gay. It took two years for him to finally get working papers and now he recently got a California ID. Right now he's working at a restaurant that works him so much he barely has any time to himself. Letting him move in will definitely help me out alot financially. Even though I'm not sure how long this will last. Moving out of Cali is still something I think about constantly. Right now I have my eye on a place called Spokane. I think I'll take it over Canada and Detroit. Gotta go over there to see what the job prospects are. Its possible maybe Jay can come with me. This whole make a living off film is taking longer than I would like. Seriously. Yet I realize I don't need to live here in Cali or even in Detroit to work on two webseries that take place in these areas. Honestly I have wondered about ending the webseries. Recently I had some footage shot that will introduce two new concepts. "SinsofLegend" and "Daughters of Legend".  One will be a short film and one a full length. Both will be aimed at film festivals. I think Sins will be about 45 minutes long and Daughters of Legend will be the full length because I have a pretty big story planned for that. Keeping my two webseries going is expensive plus it has not yielded any financial rewards. Yes it has put me out there and introduced people to the universe I'm trying to build but perhaps I can simply move the storylines into the other more potentially profitable projects. Who am I kidding. These other projects HAVE to be profitable. Its not like I have an unending supply of moolah. In a perfect world I would just keep doing both webseries and pay someone else to make the other films. This makes me wanna try crowdfunding again. This type of thing failed me already too many times so the thing to do might be to bring in someone else to handle the campaigns. Theres a guy named Jake who worked as a PA with me I've been talking to about coming on to help out with writing and the more business end of things. Jake kinda looks like Quentin Tarantino. Man it would be something to get someone like Quentin Tarantino,Guillermo Del Toro or Robert Rodrigues working on one of my projects. I'd also like to work with Eli Roth. Spike Lee too even though I worry he might be mean. Spielberg,Lucas and Coppolla are also on my list. Geez I can only imagine how much my concepts would soar under their direction/guidance. Danielzilla seems to be doing a great job of fixing the things wrong with SonsofLegend but man is it hard to deal with him at times. The man may well be a genius at what he does but I have NEVER met anyone who makes me as crazy as he does. On set sometimes he's difficult too. We have gotten into some arguments that made me say I'm never gonna work with this guy again. But I go back because he is awesome as an editor and I love what he brings to my series. I think he represents (in on a larger scale than I'd like to admit) the audience I need to win over with my work. Sometimes in life you have to take the good with the bad. I've yet to meet the person who is perfect. Mostly I suck at dealing with people outside of my projects and its even worse dealing with difficult personalities. The only way I've learned to deal with such individuals is by simply keeping them at a distance in your life. No matter how much we may ultimately love them.

My birthday is coming up on the 15th. I've no idea what I'm doing. It was my plan to take a trip to Detroit to do some filming but I'm having to accept that trip will have to wait till my moolah is better. Probably Around October. Maybe I'll go see the new Ninja Turtles film. Jay mentioned wanting to do something but I've not put alot of stock in that as he has disappointed me so many times in the past. If I'm gonna end up being alone on my birthday I'd rather it not be a surprise you know? This has happened alot lately....spending holidays alone. After awhile you kinda get used to it. Then when you get numb you don't really care if the girlfriend or boyfriend isn't around. There was a time when I was very much in serious like with Jay. I love him but I'm not in love with him. Maybe I was at one time but now it seems a lost memory. I think I have a better chance of spending my birthday with Frank Ocean/Michael Sams than Jay. No joke. Because if his job calls he will be there. I don't think he's really aware I could actually meet someone else at any moment and it would potentially change things in an instant. It bothers me that he seems to almost not care enough to fight for us. Moving in with me might simply be a means to an end. Like a convenient business arrangement. He's such a mystery to me no matter how much we talk. Maybe I should just try to get out of town for awhile to clear my head. I have to go to DMV to renew my California ID and I also have to renew my guard card this week. This I'll probably do tomorrow when I get off work. Last time I was at DMV Michael Jackson had died and they were showing the funeral live on Hulu. I was in and out of that place so quickly I couldn't believe it. Maybe they were all home watching the funeral? Usually it takes forever to get out of there so I'll make sure to bring at least one of my portable game devices with me. As for Aug 15th I should do something special for myself and not depend on someone else to contribute anything. So what to do? Shit I wish I could afford to get an Xbox One! Maybe I should get a nice hotel room and do something wild and freaky with a sexy total stranger then we could fall asleep in each others arms watching a horror movie....

Happy Birthday in advance to me.

Up All Night With So Much On My Mind And El Debarge Is The Deejay

Top Bottom Dilemna:

WOMAN INSIDE ME

When you walked into the room

I tried to meet your gaze

And when our eyes met

You looked right through me

Like you knew me.

I suppose you did

To you I was

Just another stupid bottom

Who mistook you to be a top.

How couldn’t I?

Inside I cried so much

That this tall bald

Dark Chocolate

Epitome of what my senses registered as masculinity

Was interested in the same thing as I.

You came across like a mans man

Even smelled for the most part like a mans man

Guess I overlooked

The shiny lips

The perfectly manicured and (clear) polished nails.

Somehow you manage to dial back those feminine characteristics.

Probably a survival mechanism.

So you came over  to watch scandal

Then came the tickling match

And I found out how STRONG you are

Then I found out how good a kisser you are too!

Surprised the hell out of me

Never thought in a million years

(even though I dreamt about it)

That you would be there

On top of me

Holding me tightly from behind

Making those manly noises

And blowning my mind

With unbridled lovemaking passion.

Fuck that.

You fucked the shit out of me

Blew my back out

Left me breathless

Trembling

A victim of true ghetto love.

Who knew? Right?

I should have known to follow my better instincts

And put a stop to that madness when you first held me

When I first looked into your eyes

And held on to those muscles

As you started entering me.

But I didn’t put a stop to the madness

And I gotta live every day of my life knowing

We can never go there again

(because you barely above a whisper told me in my ear near the start of that trip)

We can never go there again because

Even though on the outside you look

Very much the man

On the inside living inside you

Is a woman.

That woman was inside me last night man

Giving me life altering pleasure

Now she done snatched it away.

Last night I had a woman inside me

And I hate her.

I can’t have you.

----

Crazed White Stalker Dilemna:

Boy I could have loved you

I think so.

Ya just had to go and mess it up

Talking dirty to me

Like I know you

When you don’t know me.

Come on.

What the hell ails YOU???

No tact

No respect

No consideration

That I might not be some

HO or sexual object for your amusement.

Do you have any real friends at all and have you had a lover before?

One gets the idea you have no social skills.

Boy I could have loved you.

I thinks so.

For reals though.

Lets be real

As many white guys hit on me

One starts to wonder if its just

The writing on the wall.

That smile

That hairy chest

Those eyes that seem to sparkle everytime I’d see you on skype.

But you blew it

With your creepy unwanted advances.

Now you’re just another blocked Facebook fiend.

I really wanted to give you a chance.

----

Soul Brother Dilemna:

Your walk is rhythm

Your voice is

Gold

Red velvet cake

Sexy jazz

People passing out at Michael Jackson concert.

Light skinned brother from another…state/city/country…

WHO are you?

I see you every day.

And I know it sounds incredibly cliché

But ya don’t even know I exist.

No you don’t.

There was a time I might have said something to you man

But now the confidence is shaken.

So much damn rejection

Therefore I do absolutely nothing other than simply watch you walk in and out of my life

Over and over again.

In my minds eye we are lovers you know?

In my mind we are often in some far off place

On a dancefloor

In each others arms

Slow dancing

Building in tempo

You step to the music

Gliding really

I try to follow but man

You’re the one

who actually bothered

To teach me how to dance.

Its crazy that I don’t even have to close my eyes to remember how it felt

When you brushed up against me in the train station

Warm fuzzy steel hardness

Still recall the brief gaze

the smell of your cologne.

What fragrance was it?

So strong is it all in my mind

That place where we share something special.

The place where we

break break early

jog together everyday

Then usually we

fall asleep

Next to each other

Often holding each other

All night.

While your slight snoring lulls me to gradual slumber.

Man I am way too chickenshit to ever say anything to you in real life.

----

I have Sade on plus its raining outside right now and I welcome it because...well because usually the streets are not so full of people. I like having the streets to myself. Most of the time. Alot has happened since last I wrote anything here. Can't say I haven't wanted to write anything since then. Perhaps I have to reach a point where the words just need to erupt out of me. Like a volcano. I have gone through some changes. In so many ways I experienced a breakdown. I lost my mind just so I could find it again I guess. Yep I have gone through some dark periods in my life recently. And its crazy because there was really no one there to help me thru it. Yeah I do have a few people in my life who I probably should have called and yeah I do have some spirituality and then theres always the music,the videogames and the all powerful netflix but it could be said that maybe there comes a time when you have to face certain things alone. I didn't even put out a new episode of my webseries. Usually that chases the blues away nicely. I think my brain needed to reboot itself and I had to ride with it even if I didn't know what was going on. I wondered if it were mid-life crisis. A general sense of EVERYTHING being wrong but theres no clear solution in sight. I'll go on record as saying sex or masturbation tends to knock the wind out of these feelings yet its only a temporary fix because for all intents and purposes I am single. The man who says he loves me....well I am lucky if I see him once a week. I mean....if one spends so much time sleeping alone whats the point in even trying to claim you have a relationship? I often think he is someone I could actually marry. No lie. But if one keeps saying they love you and the actions don't coincide....then the mind starts to wonder and wander. And yes I have TRIED so hard to find someone else to make me forget about dude but as far as i know there is NOONE. Because lets face it....most gay men seem to be HOES. Seriously. We are often married to the gym and our bodies....our cars....our independence. I mean...when you look good and you can have sex with or be worshipped by pretty much anybody with eyes to see your perfect body and smile why settle for just one person right? Of course the perspective seems to change as one starts to get older. That shit is so depressing. Seeing others get old and die around you. Hearing on the news about people dying all the time. Accidents. Terrorist attacks. The frequency of it all can actually be scary. I think it is during these moments (when one is sober) the concept of being alone starts to weigh in. You can actually be in a crowd of perfect people who seem to be exactly what you want and you can still feel ultimately ALONE. I think its strange that most humans have to live about 60 years before they start to really understand this. The one universal thing. No one wants to be alone. And most certainly no one wants to die alone. But that could very well be the reward one recieves from a life spent pushing others away and breaking hearts or just in general being mean to others. Not trusting anyone. I can't be that guy. I can't be him because I look around and I see him everywhere I look. I think we are all in a rush to be like each other because its all we know. You gotta act a certain way. Dress a certain way. If somebody tells a joke....well you can laugh but you have to play it cool and not really laugh. Some people I know will hear or see you do something genuinely funny and their reaction is simply some sort of smirk and the remark "You're retarded" I'm not kidding. Thats how they laugh. It could be that many people are mentally stunted in some way. Some people are serious all the time because they never had a childhood or they were in some cases forced to grow up very quickly as they had to take care of someone else. Its like in the Matrix when Morpheus told Neo "You can tell something is wrong with the world". You don't know what it is but you can just feel it. This is why I have to move out of California.
My world just feels wrong. Maybe this is what makes people quit their million dollar jobs and get a small cabin out in the woods somewhere where they can re-connect with nature. Socially I have been a recluse the past few years. Maybe I have always been a recluse. I have had some good friends for sure but when i try to think of the last one I had the memory fluctuates a bit. There was George but I have not seen him in almost ten years. He had a crystal meth problem and just seemed to fade out of my life. Georgezilla was like a brother to me I called his mother mama too. There was Louis but Louis moved to Compton and bought a house. Now he lives with his woman and a few dogs. We talk once in awhile but...its not like how it used to be you know? I was close with Havier but we used to date centuries ago and he started REALLY getting annoying in that he woulnd't stop flirting with me even though I repeatedly told him the attraction for him just wasn't there anymore. "L" My surrogate father figure is still very much a big part of my life even though we have grown somewhat distant over the years. But since he got a roommate his need for more privacy put an end to my frequent visits plus our schedules are so uncanny planning get togethers is almost impossible. I rarely get visits from anyone anymore either other than "The Crazy African" Thats my nickname for the guy I'm currently seeing. My place used to be alot tidier too even though I have ALOT of shit up in that tiny bachelor pad. But when I'm going thru stuff I just kinda let stuff pile up. I go thru periods where its not that I don't care but I just have an issue finding the right motivation to clean up. So thats part of my hermit existence. The other part is the whole breakdown thing. I will try to explain this as best as I can. Basically I went thru a tough time with my self esteem because of some harrassment I had to deal with on a constant basis with people who lived next door to me. This is something that went on for years. Even trying to get the managment and police involved didn't help. I think they just burned themselves out or got bored because I just stopped reacting to them and focused on other things like my webseries and learned to tune them out. Spiritually this would have probably caused any other person to snap and I had to resist VERY dark thoughts of retaliation but the fallout of all this is I keep more to myself and have developed some distrust of middle eastern women. I have only now just started getting back to my old self. Well not exactly the old me but I am going out more and my nerves don't seem as frazzled anymore. Having a boyfriend and friends helps keep me sane and when I am working on projects I am so focused on it I tune out most other things going on around me.
So right now I don't really have much in the way of friends outside of when I am working on projects. The boyfriend is really the only person I have regular contact with. I have been so out of touch with family because I was so into doing my own thing that now I wonder if any of these damaged relationships can be repaired. In so many ways I was reacting to people around me you know? So used to people not calling me that I stopped calling other people. So used to not fitting in or being invited anywhere I just retreated iside my own little world because I felt this is the way its supposed to be. But maybe it isn't. If you spend alot of time with emotionally damaged people who may have difficuly in social interactions its easy to pick up some of the behavior and assume everyone is like this. Its also easy to be anti-social when you are over burdened with school,work and family obligations. You tend to only socialize when its arranged or convenient. The truth of the matter may be that I need to fire everyone I call a friend or just call them associates from now on. None of the people I work with or who have worked on projects with me have ever said "Sergio lets go grab a bite to eat or maybe go see a movie" Not a one. No one ever hangs out with me to play videogames either. Even attempts to get others involved in doing some cool youtube projects fell thru. I think I am surrounded by a bunch of people who are afraid to let anyone get close to them for whatever reason. I have found myself becoming just like them. Is it cool to be the loner? Is this really who I am though? I can't live my life being just a reaction to my environment. I gotta go find a place where there are good people who haven't lost touch with what it means to be uncorrupted by this world. Is there such a place outside of memories of what was? Moving would mean starting over again. Goodbye to decent job with awesome benefits. Goodbye to (mostly) good weather daily. Goodbye to some good contacts who are good at making movies! Moving is certainly in the cards for me. Maybe sooner than later depending when I can actually start saving up money for it. Just better make sure I am more prepared for this move than I was for the last one I undertook....

Me vs Nintendo (?)

I purchased a WiiU earlier this year. I gotta say its a great little system that I enjoy yet there are some problems which irk the hell out of me. First lets talk about the good things so you can see why I bought the thing in the first place. No cost for online! Gratis. Its free ya'll. But like the PS network there are still kinks to be worked out. And like PSN its getting better. Its HD! Yea! It sure looks nice on my 22inch LG. I can see individul spots on Luigis cat costume in 1080 at 60 fps. Thats cool. You can use those red green and blue component cables if you like. Theres no ethernet hole to plug in this time around so if you don't have wi-fi you're screwed. Well unless you have one of those Wii dongles they made you buy when they could have clearly just put a port there. (AHEM!) So anyway... The controller is a cool piece of tech. Its pretty big and tablet shaped. It also has a six inch screen on it with a camera and mic. A great feature to be sure yet practically no one uses it. Nintendo doesn't even support skype and that is such a waste in my opinion. Still it is wonderful you can take the gamepad into another room and continue playing your game. Most of the WiiU games support this feature however I've yet to see a commercial actually illustrate this to the public. Actually most people don't even seem to know this machine exists. Its only just recently that Nintendo has started really promoting the console. The commercials are terrible. Like dumbed down and sterile advertisements made not to offend anyone.  Moving on...
Another feature I like is the Miiverse. Its a social interaction community. Sorta like Facebook only if Facebook were safe and no one was allowed to be rude or to curse. Believe me it feels so GOOD to log on to play games and not have to deal with sexist assholes,racists or homophobic neanderthals with no common courtesy skills. I am ashamed to say from my own experience as a gamer over the years many gamers fit that description which is why my Xbox360 mic is off as is my PS3 mic. In fact I can not even recall the last time I used chat in a game because of all the jerks out there who make it so bad for the rest of us that Microsoft and Sony have been forced to take drastic measures to protect people. Even at the cost of removing cool features from the consoles. Now the gamepad second screen is great when it works but I goota say the distance needs to be improved. Also the battery life is godawful. The second screen idea has been used before in gaming. The PSP offered a neutered form of it as does the PSVita although Sony seems poised to do more with this feature in the future. It will likely keep the Vita alive as Vita TV seems to have flopped. Thank GOD that Nintendo gave us the option of using our own external harddrives unlike some "other companies". There is no DRM crap either so you can sell or trade your games without having to worry about getting charged a fee when you boot a used game up in your console. The system does not rely on an internet connection to function however you can't play dvds,blu-rays or CDs on the system. (You do have Netflix,Youtube, Amazon apps and a pretty decent web browser. Its even capable of viewing PDFs now thanks to a recent update!) Neither does the WiiU support any sort of MP3 playback feature. Thats kinda wierd because even the Wii let you listen to music from SD cards while viewing photos. Theres no photo support at all on WiiU. I had a 500 gig harddrive I forgot about which was passed on to me from a deceased person earlier this year so i hooked it up to my WiiU. Its not likely I will use all that space. If it was the Xbox360 or PS3 it would be different as there plenty of content to download. Nintendo doen't even let you save movies you buy from amazon on the harddrive. Oh yeah once you format the harddrive for the console you cannot use it for anything else. That sucks too.
Thankfully friend codes are a thing of the past (if you are over 18) because they were what I hated most about the Wii. This really made it VERY difficult to make friends with people on the consoles. But you just try asking someone to be your friend or to videochat with you on a nintendo console. I think people just assume you are a child molestor or something.  I found this out the hard way when i atrempted to start a videogame review show on youtube using the WiiU system.  I can't count on one hand the number of people willing to chat and they ended up flaking on me. So what did I do? Well determined to support this all but dying console (not enough 3rd party support) and raise awareness,I purchased a second WiiU console. I figured that would be the only way i could have someone actually join me in chat sessions for my idea. Had to splurge for a videogame footage capture device too but hey...it was a worthy investment right? I dunno man. So far I gave the WiiU to three people to take home and use as they pleased. The only stipulation was that they create an account on Nintendo network and do a videochat session with me once or twice a week for a couple of hours to discuss games,pop culture or to do reviews. Each time it got awkward because I had to have the person return the console. People I trusted and believe in told me to my face they would make time to help me and would LOVE to have such and opportunity yet I learned many people lack motivation for anything unless theres money involved which is no problem for me. I can afford to pay someone minimum wage for a couple of hours. No biggie. To complicate matters Nintendo shut my profile down on their network simply because I said in my profile I have a webseries on youtube called SonsofLegend. You are not allowed to post any way for people to contact you in "the real world" as the moderator told me. They froze my profile for a few days until I posted I understand I violated your policy and won't do it again. Gotta hand it to Nintendo for creating such a safe and carefully thought out online system but man they gotta get it together because right now I am so frustrated with having wasted so much money and time on what may be a console thats dead in the water. The online store has gotten better but it still feels sterile. The console simply needs more games. Yes I love Mario but we need more variety. I am tired of seeing Xbox and Playstation get all the big releases. Shit if they do release a big game Nintendo doesn't advertise it and DLC is ALWAYS late. I don't know what I am gonna do at this point but I am leaning towards abandoning this endeavor and just getting an Xbox1 or PS4 as they are more geared towards taking advantage of social features like game footage sharing and videochat without assuming we are all wackos. Not saying Nintendos fear are unwarranted. People drawing penises became an issue in Miiverse posts (only here in the US) and the y had to shut down one of the cool features of the 3DS called swapnote because people were sending nasty shit to each other. Its hard to be family friendly because there is always some nutjob who will try to test the waters and then you have to hire folks to monitor everything. Ugh! As it stands my little brother might be getting himself a slightly used black limited edition WiiU with 32 gigs of onboard memory. It just feel like the videogame review idea may be a lost cause and I have to look at the writing on the wall and effectively EAT IT.  The 3rd person to get the WiiU is returning it next week so until then I will continue my search for a co-moderator. Placed an ad on Craigslist offering minimum wage so we will just have to wait and see if anyone is interested in making alittle extra money in this experiment. I even took to facebook and did some googling for WiiU chat groups. We will see what happens...

Some of those things people are not supposed to talk about (but I'm going to anyway)

"The only reason you're here is because your grandpappies didn't run fast enough"- Angela Bassett quote from American horror story season 3.

Brought me here
against my will
whipped my ass
over and over
and over again,
how bitter this betrayal stings
because I suspect it may have been
an inside job.
What am I doing here in this place
this cold weather
so far from my tropical climate?
You brought me here
kept me as your thing
and yet I thrived
not your thing anymore
but I don't really feel
Free.
You tore a hole in my soul.
Are you mad because I don't belong to you anymore?
How much longer will you and I struggle to forget/forgive
what had happened?
I do not hate you
for the intimate yet dreadful past we share
for you truth be told
are not altogether unpleasant to gaze upon.
I just want to understand
why you can't accept me as your equal.
This isn't declaring you owe me anything
as I am surviving
thank GOD.
This is more of a question...
How much longer can ANY of us survive
if we don't share the wealth?
***

Some of you
some of you tell me
terrible things
about me
about others like me
you say we
(what we are)
is wong.
you like to throw that word around
(not the f"" word)
the ABOMINATION word.
You say that we have a spirit in us
and we cannot enter the kingdom of Heaven.
I say where is your proof
and what if you're wrong?
What then will he do to you and yours
for all the legacies of hate
you have unleashed upon us?
***

Anyone ever tell you
you are actually cute?
I notice you man
can see beauty you probably don't even know you have.
You are a sexy guy.
You have a nice body
Nice arms
Nice legs
kissable lips.
Bet you don't even think of yourself that way.
You are wise beyond your years
you carry yourself with a refined swagger
so easily slipping below the radars of those
with their preconcieved notions of
what is hot or not.
I see you there on the street
you don't have a home
no job
no car
and I understand your situation
I've been there.
Would love you if I could
would love you if you would
give up some of those self destructive behaviors
that keep you on the streets.
It hurts knowing all I can do is watch from a distance
hoping oneday
you'll get your shit together.
Right now loving you
taking care of you
It would be a 24 hour job with no guarantee of success
and I don't believe you want any help I can give.
You're not ready.
Still in that
lying
using to get anything you want mode.

I haven't given up on you.

***
Brother
you are gorgeous
but you don't speak to me
seen me for so long
coming and going
everyday
from work
to work.
Maybe you saw me one day when I slipped up and wore my job uniform on the train
yeah it does say where I work on it
and you don't wanna be associated with
"our kind"
Right?
Only thing is
here in this city
so many other brothers do the same thing to me.
Is it a light skinned thing?
Or are they in ghetto mode
or what I see really is their happy face?
I dunno.
One minute they talk
then the next
they act like they don't know me
and some of them I have seen online.
What up with that?
They confuse the hell out of me
so much of the time.
And it hurts because they are just so fucking
gorgeous!
Maybe they'd like me if they knew me?
Maybe just maybe true black brotherhood is dead...
What else am I supposed to think?

***
There are moments I wonder
Why do the cops watch me so?
Why do people slow down so I can pass when I am walking behind them
Slow down
speed up
what does it all mean?
Do you REALLY think I am following you?
Once another black man stopped
turned around and demanded to know why I was following him
he wanted to know where I was going
After I said
"I'm going home from work"
I simply kept walking.
***
There are moments I wonder if some people are possessed
by a spirit that wants to fuck with me
I'll be just walking along and then then I'll enter the train
Its all quiet
peaceful
then this ONE person will just suddenly start acting crazy
and when I do dare to make eye contact with them
well
most of the time I get the feeling somebody else is driving.
They are looking at me but not looking at me
then it seems I was invisible until I made eye contact.
But I don't really feel in danger
How to explain this stuff?
Some of you out there understand even if you don't say.
Its a whole nother world out there most will never comprehend.
Can't really help it
being drawn into this shit
spiritually attuned creature that I am
Its why sometimes spirits follow me around
static shocks
dreams of familiar people I don't know
and electronic things disturbed by electromagnetic disruptions
(Why is is some of us can deal with these things while others lose it?)
***
They don't see me.
Sometimes I swear they don't.
Because I don't attact them.
Not those my eyes fall on.
Usually its
Older
and usually
somewhat effeminate
hardly ever black...
hardly ever black,
so what does that say about me?
Sometimes I wonder if
maybe I just am not good enough for them
don't even know if I should care anymore.
Been told theres nothing wrong with me
but there comes a point when you have to wonder
am I doing something wrong?
I don't know whats up
but the shit keeps happening.
The looks
security watching me in stores
people locking their car doors at stop lights
and they won't sit next to me on the train/bus.
People stare
looking at me funny
They laugh
sometimes maybe they're not even talking about me
but for so long it has been about me
At times I can't tell my friends from my enemies.
So I stay in the damn house.
***
Halle Berry said in cloud Atlas sometims she feels like the universe is against her.
Do you ever feel like that?
Do you ever feel
dirty
filthy
foul
in the presence of other people?
Whats happening to me?
I'm the good guy
The hero
The one who would fight to help the helpless.
Am I supposed to stick to the shadows
unable to be loved
unsexy
Is this the reward for the so called heroes of the world?
We live not for ourselves
like the golden child.
Seems the more I struggle to be understood
I achieve the opposite.
I think I am supposed to rejoice in this gift
this curse
to inspire
to change
something in people
to bring comfort
yet in all honestly I think I have never felt it.
Who could in such a rapidly changing world?
People with agendas willing to kill because they believe its their god commanding
People who kill just because
(are they really mental or is there something else in effect here?)
***
So much poison in the air
the water
So many animals won't be here in a hundred years
One tries not to focus on the negatives but some days are better than others man I tell you.
Some days the walls are closing in
makes me wanna run from the literal life or death decisions
some of us artists are creating for our lives at the speed of our lives.
I tell you the truth man/woman
when I see so much evil man does
I can scarcely even call myself of this race in this place
because it makes no damn sense.
I am a collection of
so much assorted DNA
deja vu
and psychic energies flowing into me
feel like I need to go live in some quiet wooded area
to quiet my rattled nerves
need it so bad that it can't come quickly enough.

Gotta get OUT of this city.
***
I am not a whore
but I think of them
of him
his smell
his hard arms
Him inside me
Why do I do this when I probably have you my man?
I wonder if I should trust you completely.
Thought I caught someone else's scent the other day when I came home from work
Something about that guy leaving the building as I climbed the stairs got my attention too?
Paranoid much?
You say you love me
Even bought me a little goldfish
and I named him "Rufus".
He's a dark red reminder to me
that I need someone to take care of.
I thought it was you
Now I wonder what I am missing.
I've heard it said a broke man will give you all he has
and when I'm with you it feels like
you are giving me your all.
Yet still I think of them
of him
thinly muscular
bad breath
but something about that brown skin
that laugh
those tattoos
and what he did when he was
sooooo so deep inside.
Thoughts of it still make me lightheaded.
I thought he could have been my soulmate
but his kind...
They are no ones soulmate
even if when they are inside you
the whole world seems to stop.
We were probably not supposed to happen.
He wasn't really good enough for me
and I can't stop thinking about that d...
Damn.
Does that make me a whore?
Then theres the one who surprised me
with his kisses
his generosity
his passion that knocked him out after his deeds were done.
however we didn't have anything in common
took me all over the world
introduced me to so many things
taught me some class
but it was the right thing to do
when I walked away.
Was I a trophy
He did admit to taking me for granted at times.
I miss him
sometimes I do.
He was warmer than most
funny/fuzzy
with beautiful dark skin and a smooth bald head.
Why couldn't I make myself love him enough to stay?
He was like so many of the others
The smokers
The drug addicts
those with HIV
Seizures
muscles
big homes and fancy cars
big incomes
and big wisdom for so many things
They all fell to the wayside because of the one who may not be perfect
but he may be perfect for me
and I gotta leave again
probably into someone elses arms eventually.
What is this game I am playing?
I swear to GOD I am not a whore.
I am just a man who wants to eat his cake and have it too.
(Like Teena Marie said)
Maybe one of these days I will have it
will meet that one
who won't turn out to be a bottom so we can live
happily ever after
(No thats not whoreish thinking so don't even try it!)
***

I did so want to move in 2014 but saving moolah is gonna be tough. I have to focus on the Detecter Pig cartoon and my two full length projects. Not to mention getting the videogame project off the ground. It seems a bit much but believe me there is a method to my madness. Other projects in the mixing pan are the videogame review project utilizing the WiiU and a comic book project. It will be alittle strange after The Crazy African moves out (his nickname) but on the other hand I have trouble focusing at times when he's around so I should be able to get more done in 2014. He moves out after Jan 1st.
My brother wants to come visit and I don't know if thats gonna be possible. Still if I do decide to push my move to June 2015 that will give me more flexibility in my plans. As it stands I am gonna take a trip to Detroit in March 2014 to check out the city and look at job opportunities. Comic Con is coming up in July 2014 and I definitely plan to go this time. Mostly because Leslie and them will be debuting the Detecter Pig pilot so I as producer,creator and writer need to be present. It'll be amazing to see my baby finally getting some big time exposure. The adventures of Tony P. Pigg will also no doubt help draw some attention to SOL which still hasn't quite caught on with the public. Youtube has been a wonderful medium yet I need to expand to a bigger more mainstream canvas to showcase my art. Both SonsofLegend and DragonManx will launch with amazing season 2 premieres as I have been able to learn so much about effective filmmaking even AS I stumble towards some semblance of semi-perfection. Yeah I realize nothing will ever be perfect but it'll get to the point where I'm satisfied with it.
***
The Christmas party at the job was today. Of course I didn't go. Not big on parties. Sometimse I think I should be but this Sergio of 2013 is kinda shy and self conscious so I tend to avoid people when I can. Never fit in and all you know? Maybe I never will. When I'm rich and famous folks will like me more. Will wanna spend more time with me. They'll accept me more when I start going to the gym. I know they will. Thats the way it is. I'm too busy making sure my future is alright to really focus on having a social life right now. Always on the move. Always planning some project. Even if you don't hear me talk about it. Time is money and if it don't make dollars it don't make sense. But I'd be lying to say sometimes a part of me sees others doing things and I feel out of touch. Like life is passing by and I could be missing things I can't get back. Mostly right now my mind is set on this videogame review thing thats been coming and going for awhile. Don't like failure. So despite all the crazy setbacks I refuse to give up. Going against all common sense. I feel like theres something going on with me because I have a tendacy to obsess over a project. Could be a good thing. A bad thing. A mild form of schizo I guess. Could this be fixed? Well perhaps she is not the best role model but Lady Gaga said if she fixed her mental issues it would affect the creative process.  Does that then in turn mean I should be thankful to all the humans who helped contribute to some of my fucked upness? Hmmm....  Ain't gonna lie. I did THINK about going to the party. Free food is always a good thing. Its just I don't really feel like getting up,taking the train to my job then coming back home and having to leave again later. Last night me and a co-worker were talking about the party and we got on how fast time flies. Its been seven years since I got hired by the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center. Seven years. Its been seven years well spent. This job has great benefits after all. Medical,dental and holiday pay. Vacation and personal days. Sick leave. Its the best job I have ever had for sure. Its helped me pay for my webseries and even provided locations occasionally for filming. I am grateful and oneday when I have enough money/power I will give a generous donation to the place that took care of me like a parent who loves their child even if sometimes they don't quite understand him. It does seem the center is always looking for funding. It is bewildering to me that with so many gay/lesbian/bi celebrities out there we don't have more donations coming in. Its the same with black filmmakers. There are those of us in power but the support needs to be better. (Sigh) I'm gonna make plans to go to the party next year...(Stomach growls)
***
Mr Actor
Sir
I am taken by you
often dreaming of
being taken by you.
The way you carry yourself
I would be lying if I said
I didn't love you the first time I laid eyes on you.
So perfect
Suave
masculine
so supernaturally intelligent.
Seems we were made for each other
in so many way
but it matters not as you could not
in a million lifetimes
love me.

You are my secret crush.

If only I could see you again.
Its been
so many years
and in so many ways
you never left me.

How crazy is that?

Wow. Hard to believe its been a year since you left us.  The world continues to turn for sure but Grandma so much has changed about this world. Sometimes I wish truthfully that I could somehow fly away from here on a rocket to get away from all the madness but I am still here chasing these dreams. You know what I’m talking about….the film thing….the cartoon thing….and now I wanna make my own videogames.  Everyday I chase after these dreams so I can blot out all the chaos….news reports of people going on shooting sprees,families being murdered or the numerous terrorist organizations that want to kill us. Its crazy. Then again it was always kinda crazy I guess. Just not this bad. I’m sitting here listening to music that you might have heard before in some capacity. This neo soul infused rap stuff. This music will always have a place in my heart for it invokes so many memories of life and a world that didn’t always seem so horrifying so much of the time.  You know Mommy still misses you so much. Of course you know. I don’t even think she’s been to your grave yet.  Not since they laid your body to rest. I haven’t been back either. You know I miss you too. Its all jumbled up in here with all the other stuff going on in my head. I don’t have to dig very deep to bring it to the surface. The sadness. The sheer helplessness and sense of loss when someone goes away and the thought of never seeing you again….it doesn’t make any sense at all. People looking so young then they get old then the bodies fall apart….they break down just like a machine and I hate it. We do tend to take folks for granted while they are here then when they leave us its so difficult to make peace with it at times. Still I don’t accept its all over and we’ll not see each other again. Sometimes Grandma I feel like I would give almost anything just o hug you again even if it were only for a few seconds. I really miss you and I miss Grandma Mary. I miss everyone who I lost. I cried so much at your funeral. The tears just came as I fell apart. Geez. How many people have actually seen me that way before? But it goes to show despite all I have been thru that there is still a part of me which is still human. Emotional. It’s a part of me that gives strength yet its something I could be guilty of running from to a degree. If I stop to be the family guy and the lover what energy will I have to obsess over these dreams? I cannot lie to you Grandma….so much of the time I feel this is all I have left to give this world or this life. I’m not really the handsome muscular type. I’m not really ugly but other than my talent people mostly see me as invisible. Being invisible seems cool to one who has been laughed at and hated so much that its turned one into an emotionally stunted creature. At the same time it hurts to be ignored or to feel one does not matter at all. This world is so crazy therefore I know we all must strive to make some contribution towards its improvement. Well we should. I think so. Anyway. Mostly my accomplishments and victories have been small or modest. For real. No ones patting me on the shoulder or saying great job and your life matters. Largely I have come to accept I may be some sort of a ghetto superstar. Theres nothing wrong with that I suppose. Its good to maintain some anonymity. I gotta learn to be less concerned about how people perceive me. They’ve never understood me anyway. They tend to as Michael once said “throw me in a class with a bad name”. Some of the times I think another man in my place would have become the very monster people wanna make me out to be. Yet….thanks to my faith….my comic books….my art…..those LOUD videogames and your love I ended up being a good monster. I guess in the end that’s all that matters. I guess it really is the quiet small victories that are our own personal epic quests.

As I sit here at work listening to this chilled hip hop and neo soul mix from youtube streaming from my vita my mind wanders down city streets at night. Its primarily quiet. Its all lit up. Not too many people walking around. There might be some fog or is it steam coming from the sewers below? So many times in my past I wandered these streets not lost,not afraid. My heart longs for these peaceful times when the thought patterns flow freer of psychic blockage from the mortals because….they are sleeping. Those of us who dare to dream and embrace the title of visionary are always at our strongest here in these night streets of any city/planet (wherever). You see how your Grandson turned out? He is restless Grandma. This is why its often hard for me to be around other people. My semi soul is restless. Always in flux. You see how I multitask? That’s doing more than one thing at a  time. Whats wrong with me? I have a lover right now. He lives with me. Not sure what to call it actually. Could be something forever if I let it be only I don’t plan to remain in this here city another year. So over Cali. So over being spread out and isolated in a city full of talent. It’s a click I was never able to get in with. Just like Nintendo I have usually gone off and done my own thing anyway. Never one to conform I’m afraid. Always one to think outside the box. Maybe it is true I’m some kind of leader. Destined to be alone from the pack because I march to this here beat. Have to follow where my heart leads me and its telling me to get the hell out of dodge. Its like a song I keep hearing over and over in my mind. It makes me look out the window sometimes like an animal hearing the call of the wild somewhere out there far away is the secret to the answers I seek. Fatisha finally took your picture down off her facebook profile. I knew it would happen eventually but it was sooner than I expected. She gave her tribute to you in her own way. Fatisha took your passing better than me and Bev I think. Poor “Miss Big Nose” She cried so much and had to bolt from the church hall during the viewing of your body. I still don’t know why I didn’t get up to run after her to comfort her. How much was I really there? It seemed surreal in a way. My niece was holding my hand and I think I tuned that out for a minute. Then the dam broke and I began to sob spilling so many tears these eyes started to burn. The tissues seemed to irritate my eyes even more.  Bevs oldest daughter read a poem I’d written about you. Were you there? You know/knew how much we loved you. My GOD Grandma (maybe?) you have seen how life has been since you left. Its crazy down here. I know you are in a better place for all the good you have done. You did the best you could and your legacy of love,hope and faith will live on forever in us. You fed us. Clothed us. Tended us while we were sick. Yes you kicked our asses when we got out of line and sometimes perhaps you went too far but I forgive you as it made me all the better. I miss you so much more than words can say. Call it being selfish. I know you suffered for awhile before you came to know the reward of peace and this world can no longer bring you harm. I celebrate your life and oneday I want to be the miracle in someones life you were in mine. The person who like Grandma Mary walked in when most of the other folks shook their heads and walked away. I was a mess. But I think I’m gonna be alright. I think I’m on the right path. Just gotta follow this heart of mine. Before I leave Cali there are some loose ends I need to tie up. My brother and I haven’t spoken in almost a year Grandma. We barely know each other. I blame myself for letting that happen. My plan now is to get some time off work and maybe put together a trip for both of us. Nothing like a good adventure to bring people together. One of my co-workers took a month off work. Perhaps I should do that? I have an idea. Maybe next year I can take Joshua with me on a trip to some far off city I’ve always wanted to visit. Theres this crazy idea in the back of my mind about taking him camping which is something I have always wanted to do. What do you think of that? I already know the answer. No chance! I can see you smiling though and that tells me you like my idea.  I am so glad I got to see you before you left. Joshua didn’t come to your funeral for his own reasons and I think it shows  a disconnect Grandma. Am I old fashioned for thinking families need to try and stay better connected? Shit I missed a few funerals myself over the years. Not gonna lie. Things sure have changed.

Cellphones. A black President. Wireless internet. We are moving forward so fast it scares me that some basic things are being left behind in the rush to progress. People are still hungry. Homeless. More prisons are being built. Seems they are mostly being filled with black and Hispanic men. I think so many of us are just so fucking (sorry) angry Grandma we simply don’t know what to do with out anger. I see so many of these enraged and mentally broken brothers and I don’t know if I should cross the street or hug them. I have my own issues and for the most part I think they would reject me for being gay anyway. So I keep my distance. Sometimes I think if I had the money I’d give to some cause to help brothers anonymously yet never actually get involved personally because I’m the outcast. Isn’t that crazy? But I’ve always been the outcast. Don’t know if I know how to be anything else other than love from a distance. Did you know I had to deal with homophobic neighbors for over ten years before they finally stopped messing with me? I guess they realized I wasn’t gonna move out because of them. Theres been some spiritual stuff going on as well. I don’t have to tell you that there are forces in this world (mainly people) who don’t want to see anyone else happy especially when they are miserable and too stupid to do anything about it. I think its easier for people to lash out at others than to try and take responsibility for their own situations. That is my only real answer for why there is so much evil in this world. Many are just lazy. And yeah I am generalizing.  Just the other day someone was shooting at a mall in NJ. Someone also shot up some people at LAX. Months ago there was the Boston marathon tragedy and a college campus shooting incident. One of my co-workers had her iphone stolen. (That’s a cellphone thingie) Same thing happened to another co-worker who was jumped. Police officers were all over the train stations during Halloween and the 4^th of July. One of the janitors told me he and a friend saved a guy from getting gay bashed recently just down the street from here. I don’t wanna sound all doom and gloom or negative but man there are times I don’t even wanna leave my apartment. Yeah its no way to live when you are just afraid to go out but I was kinda like that as a kid. People used to pick on me a lot and I am sure you remember how much I hated going to school. It was often a nightmare. I was always kinda  sensitive and bullies only made it worse.  This is why sometimes I feel so much anger at humanity. Yeah I know I can’t blame everybody for the actions of some but sometimes all the faces look the same to me. There are triggers. Things that have a way of transforming me back into that frightened little kid. I’m an adult now but the world still can be a big ugly scary place.  I used to want some big strong guy to come and protect me but in time I came to realize in real life the big muscular guy would likely piss his pants and run away from what I know is out there. I would have to try and save his ass. As out of shape as I am right now I am sure that would be some really entertainment to watch.  And despite all that is going on I am still doing my little films….webseries is what they are called Grandma. So far its been like four years. I’d like to believe my art has improved. Its kinda hard for me to watch them because I see so many mistakes I have made. But some episodes are pretty damned good. (You think I curse too much?) Okay realistically speaking I could put together a trailer right now that might get my concept sold or take the other route of showing my stuff at film festivals next year.  Part of me wants to reboot everything or simply jump into full length projects as I’m not making any money from any of my webseries so far. I’m so leery of hiring an agent but after spending so much money and being ripped off by parasites (people who like to take you for what they can Grandma) I am considering hiring this man who says he can help me package and get my work in the right hands. It would be nice to start making some moolah from all this hard work you know? I’m tired of being broke. Grandma could you ask GOD to give me a grant???