Apr 29
12:23am
Had a good cry just now. Started my night out earlier listening to Oleta Adams phenomenal "Circle Of One" album on Spotify and then it was on to Earth Wind And Fire. Then I got to The Commodores and thats when the waterworks began. You see "Zoom" is such a powerful song for me. It always takes me back. I feel sad and then I feel how amazing my life has been...then I start thinking about the people I miss and how I wish there was a way I could go back in time or just see them again so I could hug them and say goodbye because (here come the tears again) in so many cases I never got the chance to say goodbye. I came out here to pursue my dreams, to pursue a better life and to find out who I was and in doing so I lost out or missed out on some things...some connections...people I know or knew died...moved away and in so many cases I became a stranger. I think about my aunt "Roqueamae" who helped raised me by taking care of me on weekends... She died a few years ago. She passed right before my sister Krystal did. I think of both my grandmothers. I did see and hug my moms mother shortly before her death but I completely missed out on spending precious time with my dads mom and for the longest I have had some guilt for it. Then came the song "Night Shift" Another one that gets me in the feels. I think of Marvin,Jackie and I think of all the people who are in a better place because of how crazy this world has become. So many have suffered so much and at times (a car plowed into a crowd in Canada the other day) its so much you get numbed to a degree. Life can get so crazy that at times it does feel like a nightmare. Despite all this it hasn't all been bad. My life hasn't been completely bad but I have made so many mistakes that I do wish I could go back and just...change. All I can do is make sure to keep trying to be good...I know there are times the rules must be broken yet I can't lose hope for the good it does to be good. Also maybe more important than anything else is to give our loved ones their flowers while they are still here. I think we tend to forget time is ticking and folks are getting older. The Crazy African told me the other day "No man is an island" and maybe ultimately he's right? It seems he does actually miss me and often I wonder if he is the only man who truly gets me in the way I need getting. That didn't come out how I meant it.
Hurt my arm a work weeks ago and now I'm getting physical therapy for it. Basically I damaged a muscle nearly tripping down some stairs. Took some time off work too. Took last night off as well. Its actually helped me spiritually to be away from that place. The time is coming for me to leave. This I can feel but I need to save my money and hold out just alittle longer as I search for better opportunities you know? The infinitely wise Madonna once said "You can only learn so much in one place" Since SHE said it it must be true. 😐
In the meantime I started a kickstarter for my Sasquatch cartoon because I realized I'm in over my head and need to bring in some help to finish this project. It takes a village is something I sometimes forget I think. I am trying to get Sir Nathan back into acting especially since my story is built around the character he plays. Sir Nathan has a girl and two cats (one recently passed) We hung out last weekend. I treated him to dinner after we risked our safety and sanity by catching a "Waymo" out to The Grove. I think it was "The Gumbo Pot" we ate at. The food was awesome as always. The bread pudding was too good! Oh yeah and I also saw "Sinners" last weekend. Its a vampire movie starring Michael B Jordan in a dual role as twin brothers.
Sometimes I find myself thinking of something or maybe its more than one thing and then I'll forget one of the things that was on my mind and its frustrating. Gotta get my eyes checked again so I can get glasses. Probably next week. Gotta go on a diet to lose this belly. (Yes I am about to drink some coffee and eat a muffin) I didn't say I was on the diet yet! I do wish I hadn't drank all that super sized strawberry peach boba tea I had earlier. Boba is a guilty pleasure. As is having too many apps knowing full well I need to cancel some, since I won't be able to keep up with everything coming on tv anyway and...well a brother needs to start seriously penny pinching. I mean right now. Saving money is VERY important and I wish I'd learned the value of this when I was a wee lad. You really can't depend on social security. I don't think any of us should...
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