Confessions of a sad superhero book 18

Little Mexican Firefly

I've known you for a long time

short fiery tempered 

yet gently cool

and you often made me feel at home 

accepted me

this country ass light skinned black man

who often behaves more like a kid.

Your daughter is equally cool.

The vampire fanatic that she is

and I used to always bug her about those crazy fifty shades movies she liked.

Always hated that you and "The Ninja" didn't get along

and that your boss seems to have it in for me

But you saw me at so many stages of life

ups and downs

always listened to me

then I hear last week you'd passed on from this plane.

You won't be just another face to fade from memory

Despite everything and a slight language barrier 

you were my friend.

Candi.

(After I wrote this touching tribute I come to find out it was your husband who died and not you. I guess this is what happens when you are not bilingual) 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 17

The Air

Something about your air
how you look at me
or try not to look at me.
You never speak to me
unless I speak first
and even then I can see
its begrudgingly.
Did I do something to you
or has a little bird been whispering in your ear?

Strange Co-workers

One day their nice
then the next day
ignoring you
sometimes treating you like
you have some terrible disease
and they can't stand to be near you.
They would never be friends with you
away from these walls
and God knows how you've tried
but most of these people who work here at night
have social issues
and that's exactly why they work here at night
and why some of them will never leave this place
or the night shift.

Then this guy
stays at the desk
and I have to ask him
if he's ready to switch
but when its me at the desk
he will come over
place his stuff on the desk
and kinda hover over me
(passive aggression)
until I get up and leave.
Usually he won't put out the sign in sheets
and he basically copies EVERYTHING I do
I bring my laptop
He brings his.
I play music
He plays music
(But his is LOUDER!)
I watch movies
He decides to do the same thing.
I go upstairs to chill in an office area
He does it too.
I know we are all influenced by each other but it just kinda freaks me out sometimes.
Its just reminds me of how other cultures don't like black folks but....
some of them have no problem taking our ideas and things....
Every once in awhile he will clean the desk
but mostly he won't
and I receive the gift of nose hairs and little booties on the desk
(yet I'm the one who is crazy right?)
Another co-worker I flat out avoid
because she is a trigger
an angry verbal showdown with her
it caused me anxiety attacks that lasted for days.
Another person is cool sometimes
then he will just flip
perhaps he's bipolar
because I don't know what to expect
and yeah other people noticed this but overlook it
so it ain't just me.
Its crazy that I gotta worry about
the crazy people out there
and strange co-workers (people from other depts) in here
I just wanna write this shit down
so I can go back later and look at it to remind myself
I wasn't imagining all these things.

Human beings be trippin.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 16

I didn't go to work tonight because I needed a day. I had a migraine for like a few days and then earlier when I took the last migraine pill I had from Kaiser I got that weird sensation in my arms and legs again. It really felt like someone was squeezing my arms and legs so I just got up and started moving around. That helped. Eventually I went to sleep but it helped to know I didn't have to worry about getting up to go to work. The migraine sorta came back though later then gradually it just faded. I did end up having a dream about some lady getting basically beat up until some ghosts helped her by tripping the attackers. Its something because in the dream I was able to make the ghosts trip the bad guys. Then the lady took a long running start that led into her doing this crazy ass flying kick into the bad guy who'd almost knocked her out with this devastating punch earlier.

I have really been thinking alot about the diets that the kids at the lgbt center have. I have eaten some of the food and what I've noticed is they get alot of meat in their diets. They need better food. Maybe thats why many of them act so crazy. I wonder if theres anything I can do about that?

I rode the bus yesterday and it was so damn crowded. Mostly because of the homeless people sleeping in the seats. I don't believe any were wearing masks. I recall a guy sneezing or coughing the other day and somebody told him "Cover your fucking mouth man! What the fuck is wrong with you?!?" I plan to go back to taking the train again pretty soon. Tired of this shit. Its bad enough I have to walk a block from the bus stop across from my job because alot of the time TS prostitutes like to hang out there. People drive by cruiseing you and then theres homeless folks or crazies who like to occupy or just sleep on the bench. I can't even recall the last time I sat at that bench. I'm sure its filthy and I don't wanna bring any "guests" home with me. There was this handsome brother sitting next to me this morning. He's a security guard. Don't think I've seen him before. He was agitated about something and saying something hostile, but because I had headphones on I couldn't quite make it out. I tried my hardest not to look in his direction. Young, dark, hot and full of testosterone. Then this really pretty sister came to sit after he offered her his seat. She's in her late 40's. Light skinned. Seemed kinda worried about her purse the last time I sat next to her. I just took out my Nook tablet and tried to ignore her behavior. So I didn't so much as make eye contact with her this time. I did notice she was using hand sanitizer on her hands when she sat down. It seems recently they have discovered this stuff may be actually doing more harm than good. Maybe folks didn't get the memo. I guess some would rather not take any chances. Can't say I blame them. I remember some folks would spray stuff on the bus or spread paper before they sat down. Much of the time people do NOT want to sit next to you. Ironically it is probably good to get exposed to the virus so you can build up an immunity. Well for many anyway. Not everyone obviously. Some people go too far I think with trying to be super clean. Its pretty much impossible unless you literally wash your hands immediately after you touch ANYTHING. The only other option is to wear a full body suit. I am pretty damn sure I had some strain of the shit and it simply passed. I really want to fly out of town to see Captain Liberia for my birthday but I am worried about being around others because there is still so much we don't know about this and now they are saying the virus can possibly flare up again later even after you've recovered. I wonder if they will have a vaccine by next year or is 2020 gonna be just like this. Another year of cancelled or pushed back release dates on movies,tv shows and videogames. Shortages on foods and supplies. Folks out of work because businesses are shut down and folks mad because they can't really go anywhere and we all gotta wear these damn masks that make it hard to breathe sometimes. I wanna switch jobs and move not to mention get back to filming but everything is on hold until? I wish I knew when.

I took myself off Grindr awhile back. Had a run in with someone who knew me but I had no idea who they were. I responded to their profile that seemed nice but instead of saying hello the response was "Hello Sergio. Have a nice day Sir!" It was a weird exchange. I don't want to get to the point where I'm thinking all gay men are nuts and somethings wrong with how pheremones are working and thats part of why we are so strange with each other so I decided its time to take a long break from even attempting to date. Honestly sometimes I feel a slight curiousity toward women and I wonder if its got anything to do with the fact most men seem to reject me and my body has gone thru some sort of biological change to help me find companionship. Or it could be I'm evolving beyond just being gay. In nature animals do change to suit situations. I have been focusing alot on using my left hand as much as possible for activities and I can tell its certainly helped me. Especially in the reflexes department. Reaction time too. I don't really talk to people about this stuff but I think its good to write it down because it might help someone one day. I know that tapping into other parts of your brain most don't normally use can help make you better in some ways. Could even cure mental illness and boost your physical abilities based on your faith or state of mind. The down side is that you could tap into some things which could be destructive if you don't learn to control it or if no one shows you how. Some examples are awareness of spiritual beings and empathy. Sometimes I think this is pheremonal but people can feel what you're feeling and they can be drawn to you. There is also tremendous truth to you become what you think so you have to be careful what you're feeling about yourself when others are around because they can pick up on it and react. Basically what I'm saying is that if you feel like you are a piece of shit people are gonna treat you that way. I have heard of some people with psychic abilities having to move to more secluded places too because in a city type environment you are bombarded with vibrations from folks. And alot of folks are fucked up. (Could explain why I am usually more active and creative at night. Less "psychic noise") There are books about shielding yourself and visualization exercises involving color. Hell even wearing certain colors can affect how people react to you. Human beings are really strange creatures. I'm gonna go on record as saying most of the time I'm not even sure how human I am because of all the bizarre things I experience.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 15

THE HATED HERO SYNDROME

Had another one of those weird incidents at work last night.
Its often weird working here.
At times it feels wondrous and magical working here.
There are so many lost souls and dark personalities here.
Sometimes I think that is what attracts some of the crazies who come around
or try to hang out.
I approached a group and asked them to turn the music down they were blasting.
I was basically ignored.
I was made to feel helpless.
I was only looking out for the clients who were sleeping nearby.
I was heckled until a YOUTH ADVOCATE came outside to investigate.
I was reminded last night how much these kids tend to hate us security guard who work here to protect them and for the most part they DO NOT RESPECT US and I don't think its supposed to be this way.
Sometimes I think everybody hates us because they call us "snitches" or "rent a cops" when all we're trying to do is do our jobs so we can go home like everyone else and pay our bills.
I really don't understand this widespread misconception about us.

RANT OVER.

***************

I dreamt I was flying the other night.
It was the first dream I'd had in a while.
Was falling upwards
pulled by some force
and I heard a voice say
"Don't look down"
Then I heard it say
"Awake"
and my midsection glowed.
After that I was flying around like Superman.
Was flying down a hallway and Sgt James was there awestruck.

I dreamt today me and my brother "Joshuazilla" and a small boy were sitting
getting spun around in this strange carousel-like machine
as photos of us were snapped.
It felt REAL.
So I'm dreaming again.

Last night I asked Sgt James if he could remember any of his dreams and he said "No"
Is that normal?
Shouldn't artists dream?

Confessions of a sad superhero book 14

(Written while listening to and watching an awesome Sade concert)

MADNESS

Madness is
the man at the bus stop
talking to himself
yelling out to everybody
how nasty gay people are
and then he gets on the same damn bus as you.

Madness is
the little girl outside your apt building
throwing paper all over the ground
and when you say something to her about it
twenty years later you're still being punished by her family
because you dared to say something about being disrespectful to where we live
and so many more are like that family
they care nothing about their home
this earth we call home.
I saw a man throw trash on the ground the other day
like it was the thing to do
and I'm the one they call crazy.

Madness is
caring so much
maybe too much
feeling so much
thinking so much about those
whom to them I am but an afterthought
a strange weird thing
but the only bizarre thing I ever did was speak the truth about how I feel
(Apparently this isn't acceptable to the masses)

Madness is
being rejected by those
those who in another life
coulda been my soulmate
and I'm not even sure I believe in such things anymore

Madness is
knowing so many things
knowing about folks
knowing what their gonna do before they even say or do it
hearing everything
feeling the spirits move around you all the time
feeling invisible eyes on you
invisible fingers picking at the computer files that are parts of my brains
feeling like you are in an epic movie
and knowing ultimately you are
a supporting character
even when you feel the limelight on you at times

Madness is wanting to run
yet not knowing exactly where you want to run to
to kickstart that exciting music at the end when you make your big comeback against
the bad guy.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 13

I was here at work just now and I watched an interaction between a trans prostitute and a customer. So I'm on the rooftop looking out at the city when a nice convertible drives up. A trans prostitute is walking by. The driver starts blasting music and the prostitute walks over. They talk. I hear her giggle then the next thing I know she's opening the car door and getting inside. I thought to myself out loud...."Now I can't even get a date. Is that what I need to do? Put on a wig and a mini skirt?" Sometimes the world seems so strange, wicked and twisted. I dunno. It just feels strange to be a good person with a good heart and morals....I'm not exactly ugly but I just don't seem to be what people want. But a trans prostitute who has probably been with hundreds of men and is out there walking the streets at night is able to pull the most gorgeous and successful of the species. This all just seems ironic to me. I think irony might just be my favorite word.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 12

Yesterday I think I saw the future. I know it sounds weird but let me explain.... I was running to catch a bus and I literally saw the bus go by from down the street. So I ran to try and catch it because I knew it had to stop so folks could get on or off. But when I finally get there theres no bus and I look further down the street expecting to at least see the back lights of it leaving but nothing. Then seconds later I look back to see the bus is coming up the street and has not even passed yet even though I had just seen it pass. Strangeness. Then I was having this weird shit happen on instagram, I was trying to click on a video someone liked that I'd posted awhile back and everytime I clicked on it I kept getting sent to some conspiracy or militant type sites. I've also started getting messages on instagram from folks claiming to be a part of some organizations. Could be that algorithm shit I suppose since my followers are getting on up in number again. (I'm actually planning to take a break from social media soon)

My co-worker who I just happen to think is supremely handsome has been strong on my mind truthfully but I have been able to make peace with the fact he will never be compatible with me. He hasn't really shown any interest. I mean he did bring me some chicken shish kabobs the other day but.... I get the idea he like "The Ninja" think I'm cool but they don't wanna appear too nice because they think I might get the wrong idea. I think he's just not interested. Its weird to be around someone who you could have actually married in some parallel universe because you are so connected in things yet in this universe the other person will not see you that way. (But the truth of it is I do not believe we are sexually compatible. Take that however you want to) Mostly I have abandoned the idea that an American black man will figure importantly romance-wise in my life anymore. It simply feels (and its strange to say this) I'm not what any of them are looking for. What are they looking for? I think most are looking for themselves and in many other cases they are looking for someone with qualities they lack. This could explain why so many gay black men I have alot in common with are only into hyper masculine types or guys of other races.... People want you to have that perfect body. That perfect job. And a car. Lets be serious....9 out of 10 people won't touch you with a 10 foot pole if you don't drive. Its bizarre that some people actually believe you are useless when you don't have certain things. In reality maybe two people who each lack a specific thing could work together as a team to compliment each other. "Lymonicus" one of my friends used to say I am a Robin who needs a Batman. Its all about teamwork which is a concept that soars way over the heads of these mofos out here. I just don't wanna end up one of thsoe huys with alot of animals who has given up on people. (Geez am I partially dyslexic?)

Thing is I probably won't be living in the united states in another year or two. Best not to get attached to anyone here. Right now I am focusing on saving money and getting as many projects completed as possible before I go back into production on my films in August. Ima try to hang in here until the end of this year or early 2021. Sometimes its hard. Sometimes people here who don't like me go really out of their way to remind me I'm not welcome. I think its interesting when people put energy into stupid shit like that. Why not put that energy you spend coming after me into something constructive? Making change in the world. Fighting for a worthy cause. Or just go back to school and learn a trade so you can get out of whatever situation you may feel trapped in by increasing your financial status. Alot of folks walking around with so much pent up energy they just don't know what to do with it. I'm still not getting along with a lady who works here. Another person just stopped speaking to me. Someone I've known for years. I have been made aware that people sometimes try to listen in on conversations around here. I don't know. Perhaps he heard something and got it twisted? I also know I am the topic for discussion by some folks hwo have spread some untruths about me. Nothing really I can do about that. If people wanna just listen to what someone tells them thats their business. I remember my cousin who let me stay with here when I first came to LA telling me folks were telling her things before she let me stay with her. I don't even know where I'd be now if she'd listened. Its crazy to think someone behind the scenes could actually affect the path your life takes. This is one reminder to me how dangerous people can be. I'm not gonna allow myself to trip. Guess all you can do in the end  is let folks outsmart themselves. One can't avoid negativity. However you can control how much of it you let in your life. You get to a point in life where you can see it coming a mile away.

I got more art from "The Bicknell" featuring my new superheroes. I wanted to work with Mr. Rivero again but he's never forgiven me for not letting him move in with me when he was going thru some difficult times. In my defense I was dealing with my own shit and my place is still basically a mess. And its already small and cluttered. It just felt like a bad idea letting someone else come in. I've lost this artist so thats something I gotta get past. I really liked dude though. Theres so many comic and animation or game projects in my head and I need to be more aggressive with finding artists who are taking commissions if I'm gonna be able to get more projects done faster. Its something bonding with a new artist. You gotta make sure they get your vision. It is awkward asking a straight guy to draw certain things though. "The Bicknell" is so cool I think he would draw anything I'd ask him. I do need to look for a kick ass gay artist. Probably a ghost writer too. Just more things for me to think on. I plan to come back later and update this post.

*Update* (The next day) -To Swing out sister music on spotify-

Me and a co-worker have noticed someone has been snapping photos of us when we go on patrol. Who and why are they doing this? Maybe I just shouldn't care. (If someone wants to waste their time doing silly things thats their business right?)

People are so damn nosey. I'm going in and out of my apt or my building and folks are coming to their doors to look and see. And its really creepy to know someone is just standing there at their peephole watching you go about your daily life.

Why the hell do people copy me? I listen to music. They do it.  I bring my laptop they do it. Its alot of other things and I notice it and it kind of weirds me out. If I dare to call people out on it they simply deny it. Its strange. Folks have the nerve to call me weird when they are constantly doing things to upstage any bizarre behavior I might exhibit. Anyway....

I spoke to "Captain Liberia" this morning via Facebook videochat. Such a convenient application that is.  Just seeing that cute guy and his smile made me realize how much I really miss him. We talked for probably half an hour or so. I mentioned going to see him on my birthday but with this katrina virus thing still an issue all over I dunno.

George Floyds death has sparked a movement. A revolution really. Folks are pissed and it was like that time you blew up at somebody for not taking out the trash but it was really about more than the damn trash. More of a case of built up things. The Black Lives slogan has been thrown around alot too. But what does it really mean? Theres a group with that name but they don't always line up with the ideaology of the movement. Its one of those strange things. But to break it down I would have to say its like politics. Some things are done for the people but others are done for some sort of gain. Its all crazy but some folks black or white or whatever will never get over racism or they have some stake in fanning those flames that divide us. Of course I don't hate all white people and I don't like it when anyone tries to make me feel I should because of bad things some of them have done to us over the years. I have some good friends who are white. Actually I really consider a few family. Yep I have had some bad experiences but much of the time white folks are nice to me. Also white men and women have been responsible for creating things that have and will continue to inspire the person I have become forever. Now I'm not gonna sit here and pretend there are no serious issues that need to be addressed (don't even get me started on the not so covert racism in the LGBTQ community) yet the George Floyd thing has kicked in doors that might have been closed before in regards to certain discussions we need to be having. And no I do not think the police should be "de-funded" Give those mother fuckers better training for gods sake. And in the same breath take some money from their operation and spend it on some other areas in the community that need help. (Teacher salaries. More teachers. Bigger class rooms and more supplies for them youngins. Better yet put ya'll heads together and figure out a way to keep black and brown folks from killing each other every year in record numbers. When are WE gonna make our neighborhoods safer??? Better? Cleaner? Yeah that needs to happen. Its long overdue. So whats up?


UPDATED SATURDAY:

HAPPY/HATED FACE

See me coming
I hold the door open for you
frown at me
like I committed a crime by being born.
How is it possible to direct so much negativity at someone you don't know?
Got out your vehicle
looking like a star but you're really a torn decrepit planet
torn and rotten on the inside.

Is that why you put on so much make-up?

(Okay so what had happened was....I creeped out to the 7/11 over by my job and on my way inside I see this really pretty girl get out of a black SUV. She looked like a celebrity. Anyway I did what I would have done for anyone....I held the door open for her. She seemed to mutter something nasty and I wasn't sure if she was being rude to me or someone in the back who seemed to say something to her. Maybe cat-calling or something. I dunno. But it was really weird how nasty her attitude in the store seemed yet on her way out she was so courteous and kind as she told the cashier good night and thank you. I don't know. Maybe I am reading too much into this but I was having a nice conversation with the cashier as I scanned the app for the discount and scanned my bank card. Maybe that's why her and the other person in line seemed so pissed at me. It just feels like when you are happy and cheerful folks think they can just come at you with negativity and I don't understand that. But I do understand why so many people are quiet and keep to themselves. Sometimes its like when you smile or talk you give people ammo to use against you. From my observations folks dress and create certain personas about themselves to keep people at a distance so they won't be hurt. Those of us who wear our hearts on our sleeves just tend to make easy targets. Until the day we get sick and tired of being sick and tired.)

UPDATED LATER SATURDAY......
Last night or rather early this morning at work I witnessed something tragic yet beautiful at the same time. I had to write about it because it felt like one of those epic type epiphanies really. There was this kid at the center having some sort of mental breakdown episode. I could see on the videocameras as a group of their friends gathered around them to help and comfort them as they went thru it. Even running after them to keep them from hurting themselves. I thought to myself how awesome it is to have friends like that who rallied behind someone. Friends who accept you and completely understand what you're going thru. I have had good friends but I don't think I have really ever encountered anything quite like what those kids have with each other. To me its just an incredible thing to have. That sense of community I guess. Maybe this is why people like seeing underdogs come together. Maybe we are all searching for that sense of community. Belonging. A safe space.

Updated Sunday:
Stopped taking allergy medicine weeks ago to hopefully give my body a chance to build up resistance. Also changing my diet to include more veggies and seafood.

Updated Monday:
I guess I don't give much thought to the fact I really don't have much of a support system here in Los Angeles. My dad asked me for an emergency contact and I was only able to give him one. When I went for my colonoscopy I had only an old acquaintance to call upon for transport. No wonder Cali feels like such a lonely place at times.

Updated Wednesday (July 1st)

"Sometimes I feel like I am trapped in a nightmare where everybody is scared to be nice to me"

UPDATED JULY 3 2020

I got a headache
because I was thinking so hard about
trying not to think about you.

I got a headache because
I was trying not to think about
looking in the direction of the man
who won't speak to or look in my direction
-and I really don't know why this is going on going on like a month now. Maybe longer-

I got a headache because of those tight ass headphones I put on
when I knew full well I shouldn't have
because I was already trying to fight off an oncoming headache.

I got a headache because I was lost in feelings
feelings of not belonging
feelings of being unlovable
or doomed not to ever feel arms around me
feelings of being invisible and not mattering until I'm rich
feelings of indifference because folks laughed at my art
gawked at me
because I'm walking and don't have a car
gossiped about me
whispered in so many ears
people tiptoe around acting as if I don't know what those whispers are.
Bad things
some painful to repeat
and its painful sometimes
thinking folks think those things about me.
I think they're trying to shape my reality
and they don't even know me.
I turn into a scared insecure teenaged boy
when I'm around them
(thats not who I am)
I've got to get away from here.

I got this damn headache
planning
and at times being impatient with myself
but I'm working towards it
gotta keep my eyes on the plan
save that money
keeping on believing in me
and this is the silent black man rage that often grips me
sends me spiraling into that void of anxiety
plays havok with my immune system.
I'm like that scared cat on the piano
attempting to make reason out of insanity.
Please understand
this is why I got this damn headache
this is the reason
the methodology behind Sergio's madness.

7.5.2020
Rejection is a double-edged sword
On one hand I see I was never good enough for you
won't ever be good enough
ain't never gonna be
you see I never had a chance.
Wrong race
Not masculine enough
I'm not a top
Dude you don't even see
Not really see me
at all.
I'm not on your level
and I gotta learn to stay in my lane.
Hell I've cheated myself
been putting so much damn energy into a man
who I can't even connect with
and I'm sad
sick inside
every time I think about
all the friends
family members
or even other potential lovers I spurned because of you
(How many videogames I coulda been playing, books I coulda written, planes I coulda jumped on
to fly into the arms of someone who does indeed want me. There are folks
they've seen me at my worst and they never gave up on me.)
I'm done crying inside for fools who refuse to accept what I have to offer.
I'm done investing in your business that never wanted my money in the first place
even when I tried to give it to you interest free.
I see now
YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME
No matter what I do or where I go in life
I rushed in like a fool
heart on my sleeve
you threw my toys back at me and said
go home little boy
so thats what I'm doing
No more tears
Indeed.
From now on my ass is turning away from
THIS madness.
I am done with you.
We were never meant to be
and all you ever were
was a lesson.

UPDATED JULY 11 2020

Had some shit at work the last few days. I've been doing good by avoiding that one trigger person at work but theres another. A hispanic male who works in another dept as a supervisor. This is the same guy who tried to get me in trouble at the highland location by taking a photo of the Roku I used to hook up  to the tv in the kitchen. He then took said photo to upper management. Anyway the other day he came to say the elevator at the senior building was left unlocked all shift. Sgh JAmes said it was not unlocked. Meanwhile a maintenance person told me the elevator was unlocked. THen the other night this same supervisor came to tell us the gate across from the village was opened. We are not allowed to patrol out there since the protests started and said individual was told that. But when I walked past him and his staff they were all talking spanish and stopped to stare at me as I walked past. "The Ninja" who used to work there said he used to experience the same thing and they constantly gave him a hard time. He said it was as if they just didn't like to see us talking when so many other things folks do around here are overlooked. I just don't understand what can be accomplished by antagonizing someone and creating a hostile environment. Sometimes its difficult to communicate because many don't speak english. I don't really plan to be working here much longer so I  really don't wanna put too much energy into these things. Also theres a possibility someone at my job could be checking out my online stuff. I know it sounds crazy but it was recently revealed someone at the job wrote some things online that raised eyebrows. I gotta be careful especially in these hyper sensitive times we now live in. Another thing thats still a concern is who in the world keeps snapping photos of me and Sgt James when we are on patrol and why? I dunno. Maybe its tied in with the legal crap that I found myself in the middle of a few months back....

UPDATED 7.16.2020
Its weird. I seem to have quite the fan club among some people at my worksite. I noticed a few times I walked by and there was some slight snickering. Giggling. Not just from youth either. Also other times theres like something thats changed about how members of the Y/C dept treat me. Its really the energy. On top of that I have had issues with the maintenance dept and have had to start avoiding certain co-workers. Just what is going on here? The last few nights have been something. Especially Monday. There was a knife wielding person blocking an exit then the alarms went off because someone was smoking weed. I am still gonna try my best to just hang on in here for the next six months but hopefully I can basically keep a low profile till then and save up alot of money so I can take a break from working before I move. Keep my eyes on the plan....

UPDATED 7.17.2020
So a funny thing happened like a week ago.... I finally told my co-worker how I felt. About him I mean. Then I explained I understand he doesn't feel the same way and I will never bring it up again. (Why did I bring it up in the first place???) I told him awhile back that I had a dream about him but I spared him the details. It was a sexual dream. Felt really real and nice but I accept it as a fantasy. Dude and I are obviously not compatible. I will leave it at that. I mean....when you see a person everyday and they communicate with you (even if its at an arms length like you have the damn plaque) you pick up certain things. Gestures. Mannerisms. Small little things they say. Yeah. I do pay attention. I wonder if one day this guy is gonna look back and say...."I wonder what if I had actually dated him....hmmm" Anyway I was listening to some music by "System of a down" the night after my texted confession and dude came over heard the song and basically bolted for the elevator. Honestly I know he thought I put the song on because I wanted to him to hear it. But I did not. So that happened and it was weird. So maybe I did a bad thing by admitting I have feelings for the guy. I guess in the future I will reframe from doing such things. (Man I remember back in the day it was actually a compliment when someone was attracted to you. Now its apparently SCARY and forbidden. I swear gay men have lost their minds) I don't wanna become the type to give up on relationships and just surround myself with animals but man I just wonder maybe I should consider exploring this latent bi-sexual thing. Other than perhaps Johnathon it appears I may just not be interesting to men anymore. I dunno if its a hormonal thing or whats going on with people and dating in general.

I think some folks have a chemical imbalance that makes them not feel much of anything because of their diets. Also people seem to be getting more and more unbalanced in their behavior as if they were bi-polar or something. Seen a lot of homeless folks on public transportation. Some are mentally ill. Sleeping on the buses. Not wearing masks on the buses. Sometimes coughing and sneezing. Then there's the individuals that come around the job place. I had to kick some people offsite today but it wasn't scary and crazy like usual. I was on patrol and saw a group hanging out in the courtyard. I approached them and everyone got quiet after a moment. At first I thought they were gonna ignore me and give me a hard time but they all looked up at me and then that's when I said you guys can't be here. They were all like "You just waited until we stopped talking" I was like "Well you all got quiet and it was all dramatic" They started laughing and preparing to leave as I walked away. I really wish everytime I encounter folks doing crazy stuff on site they shouldn't be doing they would be as cooperative as these kids were. (I've also noticed sometimes people get right on the property and something seems to trigger them to acting crazy. I have some theories but the most likely one is there's one of those sonic devices that is supposed to deter people from properties and its affecting them. I've noticed I get a particularly weird feeling when I go down in the parking area. Another thing I have noticed is sometimes people go out of their way to not walk close to the building. There are Covid notices on the doors so maybe that's got something to do with it?)

*I asked a co-worker advice on dealing with or rather working with a difficult person. I was referring to someone who has worked with me on some film projects. He said I should just keep it business. I have actually distanced myself from this co-worker who in the past has done or said nasty disrespectful things to me. He once said I come to work and go in one of the conference rooms because I am trying to be important. He also said something to me about using light skin privilege when he is just a slight as I am. I am not even sure if he was joking or not but its weird to discover people are possibly thinking or saying crazy stuff about you behind your back. But I have discovered the hard way sometimes people do actually believe things folks tell them when you are not around and it reflects in how they treat you. You might not even have the slightest idea why so and so just stopped talking to you one day for. I am tired of giving energy to these people. They will never know me and are not important at all in my life. I hope not.

UPDATED 7.17.2020

I tried to call my brother to wish him a happy birthday. I got his voicemail. Its weird....I try to reach out to Joshuazilla at times and it seems he just isn't really interested. I guess we barely know each other and I'm the weird gay brother. Joshuazilla was raised a lot differently than me and my sisters. He got away with a lot of things Eddie and my mother would have killed us for. Also his generation missed out on some of the things my generation had. I mean....we were taught morality and had REAL tangible role models. Not saying Joshuazilla is a dummy but I think he may have hung around and been influenced by some numbnuts. He's actually superhumanly intelligent. I don't know that he'll ever do anything with it. Having kids and smoking "Mary" and kinda jumping around with his life goals has put him in a bind. The military didn't work out. I thought he'd be some sort of basketball star by now but that didn't happen. He needs guidance and maybe oneday years from now when his maturity catches up with that evolved mind I can help him and build real bonds. The Disney trip was a start.

Things I notice.

People copy me.
Its kinda strange but if I'm listening to music others do it. If I bring coffee in my thermos others do it. I do say anything. I guess we are all influenced by others to a degree but its interesting that some folks who might not necessarily be able to stand you are watching and imitating things you do. Thats all.

You know who is acting weird again. I mean to say the dude I have a crush on. Its something I try not to dwell upon. There are actual people out there I should be giving my time to and not focusing on someone who is not on the same page with me. At times he will come to the desk and then go away until its time to change over for patrols. He started coming over to put his stuff on the desk when he's ready to change. This was something I used to do because I just didn't wanna stand around waiting. I get it. Keep your distance. Don't be too friendly with Sergio or he might get the wrong idea. Only I won't. The more time I spend around him and the more I observe I have come to understand there is a lot of things going on in this guys life. He has health stuff and he seems unsure what to do with himself. He's a great singer but has absolutely no clue how to utilize it. He kinda jumps around on stuff. I'd like to help. God knows everytime he said his back was hurting I wanted to offer a massage but I just don't go there. He has a dog and I think that's partly because he's running from intimacy which is a shame but that's not my problem. He has a personal trainer yet there's nothing wrong with his body. He is a beautiful man. But I guess maybe he has to get in better shape to attract the type he likes? I dunno. Maybe its for the right reasons but with plenty of gay men its NOT and I don't know if he will ever let anyone love him. I don't know if he will ever be happy because I look around me and see so many people falling into these traps where they never achieve their potential. This is why I have to get out of here and get in the company of people who believe in themselves and are not scared to join with me as we build each other up. In a perfect world dude and I could be a power couple and build an empire because we have some key things/values in common. But unfortunately we have no sexual compatibility and as more time goes by I have noticed other things (I won't go into detail over) that definitely prove we could never work. He could possibly be a friend but I don't think he really wants that outside the workplace. Chances are I will never see him again once I leave here. Now Captain Liberia on the other hand is a good catch and its crazy I can't go see him now because of this Panda Pandemic. Whats a guy to do? Should I even realistically be thinking of going on dates at a time like this???