I am making an effort to blog daily going forward. I think this makes it easier for me to keep up with stuff happening and well...I don't want to get in the habit of only coming here to talk about when something in life has pissed me off. So whats happening now? Well I am finally getting serious about cleaning the clutter from my place and its very likely I may have to hire someone to come out and do it. Its gonna be costly but I have no social life and I would probably make alot of noise trying to move those HUGE queen mattresses out by myself. Speaking of noise...this morning I was kept awake by the sound of banging and pounding coming from one of the nearby apartments. Not sure if it was next door or over me but at times it seemed to be coming from all around and man these are like triggers from me since my neighbors used to torment me by tapping on the walls so much. Now when I hear tapping or banging it basically gives me some form of panic attacks. I can feel my heartbeat intensify and theres this weird sensation in my head. Not gonna lie. Sometimes I feel like I get pretty close to stroke territory with these things. I have felt tingly or numbing sensations on my face. I can recognize it as panic attack territory because its almost the same way I feel at times when I'm out in public or in large crowded areas. Ask me again why I have a love hate relationship with the human race.
Anyway things are starting to get interesting with my projects. My website will be done soon and I'm looking to get back into production on SonsofLegend in a month or two. Also the Sasquatch animated project is still coming along. More money would certainly make things move faster and smoother but I gotta work with what I have right? Been dreaming alot lately so this always means the creative juices are flowing but I definitely miss working security gigs where i had more free time to write or work on stuff. Here at this job its pretty much impossible so I may be searching for another gig sometime this year. Just need to really take some time to sit down and seriously look at what my options are. I will take a pay cut if it brings me peace of mind. Working here has become too stressful and I can feel it affecting my body. Time to go I think.
Its getting close to the end of the year so I gotta start planning some trips. I plan to do the Halloween thing as usual but I really need to go spend some time with my father. More to come.
Last week I had another run in with a co-worker whom I am currently avoiding speaking to unless its work related. This is a person I have had issues with for awhile now. First it was this constantly poking fun of me and some questionable work habits like leaving the parking gate open and coming in to late frequently (which is not really my business) This person tried to make an issue out of me sometimes not understanding or writing everything down word for word when he is patrolling. Then he hovered over me basically saying I was mentally incompetent when there are plenty of times he does things I don't always call him out on. Often I wonder if anyone else does. We got into a nasty argument and he made it personal by saying people are talking about me at work when I'm not around. Petty shit just to get a reaction from me but man I was so stressed out and the anxiety kicked back in plus I started getting this weird headache which still hasn't really left. Ended up taking a few days off work just so I could get myself together. Its something to be stressed out over things and then to have a potentially dangerous job then on top of that you have issues with co-workers. Why would he say people are talking about me? It makes no sense as I keep my distance from folks to avoid drama. None of these people know me. My deceased cousin Montressa used to say people will talk about you and even if you stay in the house all day they will just say somethings wrong with you. I'm just trying to live my life and trying to have some sense of honor about it and I think some don't understand that concept. Not really. They think its corny and they will come for you. I can tell though most of these folks are like Mary J Blige said not happy with themselves and it reflects in how they treat others. But people wiull come for you until you are forced to tell them to go fuck themselves. Its all waste of energy to me. I have definitely noticed some people don't engage me in conversation anymore. Some who seemed initially cool at first are now standoffish and its not like I've given them any reason since I try to stay to myself. Its so crazy to even imagine people getting together to say bad things about me when I'm not around. I don't get caught up in gossip and am really of the mind I won't say something behind your back I wouldn't say in your face. I guess when you don't really have anything going for yourself and maybe people have judged you harshly its easy to be the same way. I can recognize many people I come into contact with are not happy. I NEED to be around happy people. People I can grow with and perhaps even partner with to build something as opposed to folk always being about or thinking "I" instead of "We" or "Us" This can be alot like winning the lottery I think. I guess this is the part where I give myself that mental pep talk about keeping my eyes on the prize and simply let the haters hate. One of these days all those who drink that haterade will be in for a surprise when they see me doing well and achieving these goals of mine. Then again what others think isn't really any of my business is it. I am this imperfect man who tries to do the right thing. I have my demons like anyone else but at the end of the day I am a good guy who dares to believe in the impossible. Why? Well in so many ways I am the impossible.
Finally was able to get this stupid beta mode to install on my Steam Deck after multiple attempts. I swaer at times I seem to have the strangest luck with electronics. I recall a time I called my sister to ask for money and the bank system crashed when she tried to wire it. I once walked into a bank...no lie and all the systems went down. I remember once when I was playing Vampire The Masquerade and someone was trying to basically suck all my life out of me and I just kept focusing and concentrating saying NO NO NO and the system was literally glitching not allowing them to kill me. Yeah theres definitely something going on with me. They say theres a force that surrounds all of us and if you believe enough well it can be tapped into to reshape your life. What do I believe? You're really asking someone that who believes Bigfoot might be real. I believe theres a whole other world out here that exists but to most its uncharted territory. There is magic and some can reach out and grab strands of it sometimes...
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