Confessions of a sad superhero book 160

Book Of Dreams Entries...

July 15: An Uber or Lyft driver came to pick me up and he had to wait for me to run back inside a house to get a cream pie that was melting.

July 16: This dream had a few parts. Me and my ex Stan were walking through a wooded area and we were on a trail or dirt road. Not far away I noticed two little bear cubs and realizing this was a potentially dangerous situation I picked up a stick urging Stan to come on away from the area quickly but he just kept walking slow as if unbothered. We wandered into this kinda run down looking place.  Some kind of fortress that looked straight out of a Mad Max film and I saw some menacing looking white guys. There was one in particular who seemed intent on giving us grief. At some point I had picked up a rake to hold in my other hand and I sorta low growled at the white dude when he tried to block our path. Stan was basically stopping and crossed his arms and I had to tell him to come on. We exited much to my relief then we came to a place where it seemed a boat or something was arriving but there was very little water. A VERY familiar bald headed brown skinned brother said something like "It can take you" or maybe it was "It will carry you" There may help been a part before the bear encounter but this is all I remember.

July 22: (Today) Was riding a bike and I had a passenger. There was a guy on another bike who seemed to be following us. The other guy (my passenger) who seemed familiar with curly hair got off the bike and he joined in singing with the guy who was following us. Dude had a strange looking guitar with some other instruments built in.

And in the news...

We now have video cameras aimed at us at our posts!

There was an internet outage last week that affected alot of people nationwide.

Biden has dropped out of the race due to serious health issues and pressure from EVERYONE and now we are on the verge of having a black woman as president but her support seems shakey unfortunately. I was considering not voting this time around but I don't think it would be a good idea to have Trump in the White House again. As surreal as it seems that he is actually in the running but then again the Republicans have no one else so in all seriousness I think they would vote for Trump no matter what he does. Theres alot of money and power in the Republican party so I don't take them lightly at all. What bugs me is that people are willing to overlook all the issues this guy has and vote for him. I was just talking to one of my supervisors and she pretty much echoed how I feel. Trump is a businessman and he might be able to fix the economy but otherwise he's KARAZY which makes him a problem but since Desantis (the other crazy one because he went after Disney,affirmative action and the lgbt community) dropped out who else is there? No one. I would vote independent but that party seems almost invisible in this race. But maybe I should just on principle because in all honesty I don't have much faith in the democratic party anymore.

Slept all day again and pretty much feel like I wasted the day and weekend. Videogames (Mostly Luigi's Mansion 3,Vampire The Masquerade: Bloodhunt, Godzilla, Star Wars: Jedi Survivor) and too many trips to McDonalds -along with a free meal due to a botched order!- helped to stimulate my mind (I've barely touched the new pad and set of pencils I got for drawing) and I have been able to catch up on some stuff on tv. The Boys on Amazon Prime video (A secret group of superhero hunters) and Supacell on Netflix (An edgy series about UK super-powered black folks produced by a brother called Rapman) I did get another page of my upcoming comic book via Facebook messenger. Things are coming along with that project and my goal of having six book done by the edn of the year. (This includes the 3 already done. DragonManx,Gamer Granny,Gerbilla) I'm on a 3,6,9,12 number kick these days. Maybe those should be my lotto numbers. Anyway once the webpage is done (praying this isn't all a scam) I can actually seriously start to promote, market and sell my work. Meanwhile I am still working on clearing the clutter from my place and theres still the dental work I need to get done not to mention that looming insurance bill that needs taking care of. Also need to get back into therapy. Something I keep putting off. My birthday is coming up next month and I'd like to do something but I have to be careful how much money I'm spending since I have so much going on. (Ugh my right leg is hurting)  Still wanna go see The Dangerous African in North Dakota next month but I will see how much the ticket prices are after I get this paycheck. In other news I discovered an awesome artist on Spotify over the weekend named Mayer Hawthorne. He is another in the category of "Blue Eyed Soul". Up there with artists like Teena Marie,Hall and Oates,Robin Thicke,Moonchild,Jamiroquai,Mac Ayres,Dino,Joss Stone,Jon B,Christina Aguilera,Michael McDonald,Kenny Loggins,Robert Palmer,Jane Child, Robbie Nevell,Color Me Badd,Simply Red,Miles Bonny,I guess Eminem,INXS,Tears For Fears,Bobby Caldwell,Bee Gees,Taylor Dane,Lisa Stansfield,Swing Out Sister, Sheena Easton, Peter Brown, George Michael,Elton, Culture Club, Dr. Buzzard's Original Savannah Band!Kelly Clarkson,Amy Winehouse, Justin Timberlake, Madonna and even people like Gloria Estefan (Latina) and DeeLite at times and maybe Jennifer Lopez (Latina) -on a good day- Oh yeah I almost forgot Phil Collins and The Jets! There may be others who have slipped my mind. There are some truly bad assed white folks or people of other races who excel at the soul music which has helped shape my life and mold me into who I am over the years. 

Everytime I try to think about dating I freeze. I see all the photos on social media of all these in shape fellas trying to get folks to hire them as personal trainers or its just eye candy for the rest of us who will probably never be in that shape. Social media has really had a weird effect on dating over the years. And I realize many of these guys looking amazing in these photos well all of them have their own problems and personal demons in life they are dealing with. Hell most that are usually advertising to the lgbt community might not even be gay but they know many of us are thirsty. Its crazy that all of the stuff thats happened to me over the years has probably triggered some kind of switch in my brain to turn me almost asexual. So much trauma and just feelings of being inadequate in general because yeah although I certainly have things to work on doesn't everyone???  You'd think people would not be so quick to judge and look for something perfect yet they do and its fact some of us get left behind because we never run into someone willing to take a chance and grow with us because well a partnership is a powerful thing if you can find that person who can overlook your flaws and work with you. For many I suspect animals help fill that void we can't get from a human. I have joked in the past how awesome it would be instead of an emotional support animal I should find a human. How awesome it would be if there was an organization that provided such a service? Nothing sexual. Just someone to be there and to maybe do things socially with. Sounds like an escort huh? But what I'm thinking wouldn't be that because with an escort (well from what I hear) anything goes but this wouldn't be that. I wonder if something like this could work? In a fantasy world I suppose a robot companion could do this task...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 159

In regards to a post on Facebook about an upcoming videogame that re-imagines the black (alleged) samurai Yasuke. Seems I am getting into a lot of debates online these days with people who may or may not have been compromised by racism in their opinions on certain topics…

(Facebook)

A.A:

People who have a real culture and their own national identity do not take kindly to a parasitic demographic claiming their history and culture. 

Me: 

You do not represent the entirety of Japanese correspondence and white people have probably killed more folks than any other race so stop with that parasitic crap. Blacks are such a small demographic yet the media pushes a narrative that does not reflect how the majority of us think or feel. If you really wanna be technical about it the entire human race has been a parasite on this planet. Just stop the BS. 

A.A:

The fact that you think it's about skin color shows how lost you are. No one is arguing against a black man in Japan, it's his title, and what he did in history. It's like what they did on Netflix with Cleopatra, saying she was black despite all evidence saying she wasn't, and to prove it? you get a random grandmother who says "I don't care what they tell you in school, Cleopatra was black" which caused a similar uproar in Egypt. DEI sucks and is making everything lame. It's racist too, which is irony. 

Me:

Its a videogame based VERY loosely on history events and this literally happens all the time in media and no one complains but the minute Yasuke comes along everyone seems to be losing their collective minds. (I'm sure that has absolutely nothing to do with his skin color) Anyway its all fiction and its a videogame. Am I to believe everytime someone does a videogame based on actual people EVERYTHING has to be true and fact checked to a tee. Come on. Just STOP. Its entertainment and thats all it is. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 158

(To Brian McKnight playlist on Amazon music)

Today was a good day. I guess it was. I like I have for the past week woke up while the sun was still out. I showered and started my day officially after some gaming and listening to some music on YouTube. The Dangerous African and I spoke via Facebook messenger. It was a cool conversation and I told him I might come up there for my birthday next month. I hate that my bout with anxiety last month cut into my vacation and personal days accrued. But it I suppose that was just a reminder to never allow myself to get too comfy here. There are always gonna be garbage minded individuals who will come for you so one must understand how to navigate around their antics. Seems probably the most effective thing to do is simply not engage them and if you must then keep it as brief as possible to avoid being sucked into their chaotic existence.  Also had some packages arrive today here for me since I don't really get Amazon sent to my apartment anymore due to thefts. I was most excited about a small mp3 player I got because my phone has run out of space. I use the music to help me stay focused during patrols. Hopefully tonight at work is smooth. Our supervisor is on vacation. Oh yeah I am gonna continue my record keeping of dreams and man did I have an interesting one today...

Book of Dreams...

7.16.2024

This dream had a few parts. Me and my ex Stan were walking through a wooded area and we were on a trail or dirt road. Not far away I noticed two little bear cubs and realizing this was a potentially dangerous situation I picked up a stick urging Stan to come on away from the area quickly but he just kept walking slow as if unbothered. We wandered into this kinda run down looking place.  Some kind of fortress that looked straight out of a Mad Max film and I saw some menacing looking white guys. There was one in particular who seemed intent on giving us grief. At some point I had picked up a rake to hold in my other hand and I sorta low growled at the white dude when he tried to block our path. Stan was basically stopping and crossed his arms and I had to tell him to come on. We exited much to my relief then we came to a place where it seemed a boat or something was arriving but there was very little water. A VERY familiar bald headed brown skinned brother said something like "It can take you" or maybe it was "It will carry you" There may help been a part before the bear encounter but this is all I remember.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 157

Ever had a moment in time when you passed gas and someone got in the elevator with you? Yeah THAT happened this morning. Thankfully I don't think he noticed it. Or did he? Anyhow...Someone tried to kill Donald Trump the other day. It was a 20 year old white kid. Trump was hit on the ear but his secret service swooped in to shelter him and then when he got to his feet he did the raised fist gesture. I feel bad for the guy getting shot and all (conspiracy theories aside) but he really should step down from running again. Honestly I don't believe he or Biden are right for President but the reality is we're gonna be stuck with one of them. Richard Simmings died. He was a fitness rock star in the grand theme of things and that was his claim to fame. He inspired alot of folks to "sweat to the oldies" and get in shape although I was always curious why he never really seemed to have a build like you would expect someone who works out as much as he did. To this day I don't know if he was gay or not but it was something I wondered about for the longest. Dude really did usher in a new age for health and wellness so I salute him for that. God I miss the 90's. Dr. Ruth Passed as well. I used to sit up late listening to her talk about all the sexy naughty stuff kids aren't supposed to know about. She was as witty as she was informative and straight to the point with no chaser. I think its funny that I as a gay man learned so much about sexy from a white woman old enough to be my great grandmother. Finally this hit me the most...Shannon Doughery passed from a long battle with cancer. She will always be Pru Halliwell to me and the millions of others who loved her on the tv series "Charmed" (I have the boxed dvd collection somewhere in my apartment!) My co-worker who I am kinda not talking to really loved the show too so we were able to talk on this shift. I mean its the first real spirited conversation we have had in awhile. I guess thats a good thing but it doesn't mean I'm gonna let my guard down as I have seen what happens when I do that. Its for the best i keep folks here at the center at a distance anyway because I just don't want any drama and I need to keep my focus on getting thru the shifts, working on my projects and saving as much money as possible. One more thing...I have planned to start keeping a better record of my dreams so this right HERE is the first batch. (I'm working from the latest to the earliest I have written down)

Book Of Dreams…

Monday July 15 2024

An Uber or Lyft driver came to pick me up and he had to wait for me to run back inside a house to get a cream pie that was melting.

Saturday July 13th

I met this tall brown skinned brother at what appeared to be a mall. He was really into me from the start and he even held my hand as we walked. We went to a restaurant and it was one I basically picked because he asked me if it was cool as we walked in looking at the menu which was on the wall. When we were seated there were diapers or baby potty training seats so we had to sit near them as we waited to get a table assigned to us. 

Monday July 8

1. A comic book or video game character named Conrad Blue. Female.

2. There was this little black girl who was born with powers from her dad who had tech speed power and her mom who has some weird armor and elemental powers.

Sunday July 7^th

Went by train to an amusement park that had dinosaur themed attractions. I was there with Fatisha and Michelle Rodriguez. We got separated but I found them in the ladies room. I made a comment about having to use my mutant powers to find them. Also I got a red lollipop from (a vendor?) 

Friday July 5^th

Was at work I guess and talking with Quintel who was about to go somewhere for awhile but he left a big poster for me to color which I was to leave in a big yellow envelope. I had already colored parts of it and since there was a lot more to do I just said I would finish it later. Seems someone else was there too but I don't remember who it was.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 156

 (To Loose Ends radio station on Pandora)

I am alittle late with this entry. Like 8 hours late but thats okay. Life happens. I had a pretty smooth shift. (I'm still here after getting caught up in Hi-Fi Rush via Game Pass on my MSI laptop!) The only really exciting thing that happened was this kid seemed to be having some anxiety about someone wanting to hurt him and he came through to call the police. He's a young guy. Dark brown with a slim muscular build. Kinda reminds me of my brother or even Sir Nathan Of The Boondocks who I haven't seen or spoken too in awhile. (Some people do ghost you when they get into a relationship. It happens.) This kid had a VERY prominent body odor. I don't know if he really was in danger but the counselor let him call the cops and they went away to talk afterwards. Something odd happened with my laptop though. Its happened before and maybe I am reaching here but I've gone away from my laptop and when I return I get the impression someone may have been using it or looking at some webpages I have left open because for one thing it should be in sleep mode and I was pretty sure when I walked away this particular webpage was either closed or I had another page up and other stuff was minimized. Also I've been having more paranormal stuff happening. It usually involves lights turning off and on. Electronics tripping and sudden strong impressions of being watched. (No I'm not talking about the new video cameras they have installed near our desk) Usually I don't dwell too much on  this stuff. I have learned to accept it as my normal and of course I rarely talk to other people about it but I believe its important I start documenting these occurences. Could just be my aura messing with stuff around me. Could be something else. What? I have so many theories. Ghosts. otherworldly visitors or psychic phenomena. Still it is true we all have electromagnetic fields around us that can cause shit to happen. Static shocks. Interference with radio signals. Even internet or wi-fi and telepathy is real even if with most of us its sporatic or unpredictable. In 100 years so much that we don't understand will be explained by science probably. It does appear that my moods play a part in this shit. For instance some if not all of us can possibly affect the world around us depending on how we feel or confidence levels. Other people can even affect others by thinking or feeling some kind of way about them. Call it a super power or call it a basic skill. Most of us just don't really tap into it for whatever reason. 

Theres this sorta cute guy who comes in here to work in the morning. We have never had a conversation although I have spoken  to him before. Just friendly greetings. He comes in and goes in the kitchen to chill before he starts his work day. Probably coming extra early by bus because he is forced to catch it at a certain time or run the risk of being late. Now after what I went through with Mr. Ninja and other interactions with folks here I decided I wasn't gonna try to be social with anyone else here at the job. Its too messy because people are messy and no one here is my friend. It does feel strange being in the lgbt community and working in an lgbt environment one has to keep a distance and also you have to be very careful what you say because even if you mean no harm folks can get offended and we live in an age of cancel culture. I do at times wonder if I wasn't an employee here would it be possible to have real friendships with some of the people who work here. Maybe if I'd met Mr. Ninja away from here things would have been different. I'll probably never know but there are some people I swore were out of my life who in time seem to realize maybe however they percieved me before wasn't exactly real. Folks do gossip I am aware and opinions can be compromised without even giving a person a chance when perhaps it was easier at the time to believe what somebody else said about you. I think it was one of the trans women here at the center who said "People change" and they do. Well sometimes. I think I have accepted folks are gonna believe what they want about me and they will never really know me. I just don't have the time or energy to run around trying to change minds. Some battles really are not worth fighting and in time you learn the wisdom to as some say just "let GOD".  

The lights are off here in the room and a co-worker walked by "You're still here?" She's one of the cool folks and very easy to talk to even if she is kinda mysterious in her ways. 

Theres this song playing now by The Commodores called "Zoom" and this particular song has brought me to tears at times. The message and the instruments. Its a song about how the world is and wishing to fly away to somewhere where things are better. Always makes me also wish I could go back in time to spend some time with loved ones who are no longer here you know?

I paid more moolah to my webpage company yesterday and I also sent moolah to my animator. I tried to set up a session with my therapist but missed her so we're gonna shoot for sometime during the upcoming week. The brother who went with me and filmed my IGN Live visit still has yet to send me footage I need to add to my webpage and its irritating as this is holding up progress. These types of things can be avoided if I would learn more about filming and editing my own stuff you know? I mean I do basic editing when I upload my daily YouTube game play videos. (I try to get in at least an hour of gameplay everyday) I can learn this stuff if I as my mother used to say...apply myself. Still have to get dental work done pretty soon so I need to catch up on the damn insurance payments. Just tired of being broke between paychecks so I have been making more of an effort to keep some money in the bank and to take some time out to enjoy life. Not saying I have been going on any major shopping sprees yet if you don't take SOME time to treat yourself whats the point of working all the time? Having said all that I plan to make some serious cutbacks soon because I have to focus on saving to get the SonsOfLegend film back on track as well as thinking about some trips planned for the upcoming holidays. Its possible i may quit here next May after my 18 year anniversary so Its important to make sure theres money set aside for that. Things are changing here and I'm not so much worried about that as I am about how stressed out I get dealing with some of the personalities I come into contact with on a daily basis. A nice laidback 9-5 job is what my nerves need and I do believe I've been here well long enough so working towards making sure I can comfortably quit needs to become a new obsession. Well that and staying out of trouble. Mary J Blige says stay low and keep it humble. It does make it easier to stay in the rat race when you have something to look forward to. Keep your eyes on the prize. 

I do tend to look at the news when I'm on the web. Used to make it my business to tune in to the local news and I need to get back to that. Earlier I read a story that really made me sad. In Ohio a woman attempted to stop someone from carjacking her car which had her 6 year old son in it. The news article says she was struck and fell out of the car as it sped away and she later died from her injuries. The car was found abandoned with the kid still in it. This was a woman in her late 20's who worked 2 jobs and she was on her way home after picking her son up from the babysitter (or school) Two men were seen fleeing the area via video cameras and a suspect was apprehended so far. Its pretty crazy this 6 year old kid has to grow up now without his mom because some piece of garbage decided to take something which wasn't theirs to take in the first place. What a crazy world this is at times. I do feel we are getting to the point where all citizens should be allowed to carry guns. They need to make all these cars with a killswitch owners can utilize too to keep folks from stealing vehicles. Actually its surprising this isn't a thing already. Should I invent it and make it affordable? 

Well its time to get out of here. Its almost 8am after all and I've alot to do this weekend. Some cleaning up. Maybe go see a movie and chill at the Grove today or tomorrow. Maybe throw out those two matresses. Doesn't look like I'm gonna find anyone to help me so I need to figure out if I'm gonna do it now and then order a futon next pay period. Shit sometimes I wish I could find me one of those hot migrants from NY and let them move in and help me help myself. What an odd fantasy to have...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 155

 Attended my first union meeting in years this morning. I think in the 17 years I've been here at the center I've only ever attended one other union meeting but you know sometimes these things are needed otherwise companies just do whatever to their employees and get away with it. I was alarmed at one particular employee who was injured months ago and some of the things she's been put through. It does really feel like its us against them at times because if you don't go running to your protection or you don't know your rights you'll probably ened up gettign taken advantage of because at the end of the day many of these companies out here are in it to make a profit and we are only more cogs in their machinery. Ask me again why I wanna go into business for myself. Still it was nice to see some folks at the meeting I didn't expect to see there. Hopefully something can come out of todays meeting. I brought up some things that should definitely be addressed as security concerns. Things like the parking gate acting up and maybe needing something done to keep the riff raff from hanging around the place. I mean if they put up a gate around the building it would make all our lives easier. Not just security but maintenance as well. But I keep hearing about how the budget is strained so I'm not holding my breath on that ever happening.

Tonight I took a Uber to work. This morning it was a Lyft and no thats not doing my bank account any good. So anyway coming to work tonight I got into an interesting conversation with my Uber driver about the state of the world right now. He played an audio clip of Biden accidentally calling his Vice President Trump and the President of Ukraine Putin which is even more reason to worry about this mans mental health. So on one side voters have the man who may be dealing with fading mental clarity and on the other side we have a liar who doesn't apparently live in the same reality as most other folk and he also seems to think he's above the law. So far it feels like he might be. Its crazy because I see the democratic party as nearly useless meanwhile the republican party is insane. I'd vote independent yet that seems a waste of time. Honestly I don't think the democrats or republicans care about any of us who are not rich and the decisions they make don't seem to affect communities moreso than our local elected officials. Its a strange time we are living in for sure. Ask me again why I'm thinking about getting involved in politics. You know how the saying goes...if you want something done right...

*As usual its a pizza night for me. (This is my ritual I do for myself as a reward -on payday- for surviving another work week) 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 154

(Listening to KUSC classic on Iheart Radio)

Took the bus to work and home from work the other day and this morning. Just trying to save money you know since it is free. (We get free bus passes thank God)  These last few years have seen me relying more on Uber or Lyft because its just been too crazy with some of the folks on public transportation. I've seen fights and people smoking. Doing drugs. Blasting loud music or posing health risks to those around them. They even warn you to put away phones and other electronic devices because of people getting jacked for their shit. Its crazy that I used to see others as I did using tablets and playing videogames on public transportation and now its a rare sight out of safety concerns. I have some small gaming thingies I like to use sometimes but I usually don't take them out on public transportation anymore. Only in coffee shops or for plane trips. Perhaps in lines at the store. Maybe. The world has really changed. One time I got yelled at by a brother one morning on the bus whom I was about to give a mask to as the driver had stopped the bus. When I turned around to lok over at him he yelled "WHAT THE FUCK YOU LOOKING AT MAN?!?" REAL LOUD and threatening. Sometimes I wonder if its just in other black men to come for other black men because of how we treat each other. No I can't say that about everyone obviously but we need to do better is all. Some of the things I have seen or experienced with the black or LGBT community has certainly made me become more conservative in my viewpoints and a t times I'm not sure how I feel about that. I do know so much of the time I feel I should get involved more in politics if I want things to change in my communities because it doesn't seem those we have in office nowadays give a damn. Just my observation. 

I took an Uber to work tonight because I missed the bus I wanted to take and I really wanted to get to work extra early as to speak with my animator about the project and of course I wanted to get in some gaming. That didn't happen. The gaming part. I mean I did play Luigi's Mansion 3 on my Switch before I came to work (Which is why I missed my bus!) but when I got here at work I ended up being on the phone with James for about an hour. I've been concerned about his health so I make it my business to interact with him more often these days. He had some health scares recently. Just like my somewhat surrogate father Lymonicus. You know what they say...give these people their flowers while their still here... We talked about this little opening sequence (me and James) which seesm to go on too long because of this loooooong ass dialogue so we're trying to think of ways to make the sequence more interesting. Adding credits and maybe a deer getting attacked by a monster would make it pop more. Otherwise it would be best to kinda trim it. Its over 2 and a half minutes of a lady talking. I really wanted to give her more to do than just being there in the story to be kidnapped by a monster who may or may not be Sasquatch. I spoke also earlier with the guy in charge of the company doing my website. I'm still $1500 away from paying everything off but its whats needed to create the e commerce site so I can sell my stuff. Still waiting for Sir Thurgood to send me the footage from the IGN Live event last month. Yeah, I said last month. Its frustrating that we shot footage a month ago for an event and by the time it gets posted it will be well a month later. So yeah Ima need to start learning more about photography and editing. Defiitely will cut down on aggravation and also saves me money! I spoke via Facebook messenger to Dan who is the editor and publisher of my comics today about the work we're doing on my next comic book project. All in total I plan to have three more comics done before this year is out. (Already have three done) So when I have all six books done I can spend the next year promoting and selling those whilst working on the film,the cartoon, my podcast and other projects. I want to get the wheels turning on a videogame project this year too. Maybe Gerbilla (A giant Gerbil who fights other kaiju) Baby steps.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 153

 Just checking in again. Still have that headache thing. A co-worker said I should go to the doctor but I dunno. Don't have any sick days left. Basically wasted two last week and now this is gonna eat into the time I was building up for vacations or personal days. I guess thats what I get for letting folks get to me. Just gotta keep my eyes on the prize and keep it in the back of my mind that I am not gonna be at this job forever. My mind has actually been coming out of a funk recently. I mean...I have actually been waking up with some sunshine still outside as opposed to sleeping all day and letting time flash forward like you can in some of these videogames. I just gotta work at managing my time better. I have entertained the idea of getting a manager before actually and THIS is something that could really benefit me in so many ways as so much of the time lately I feel out of sorts and overwhelmed with some of the things I am doing. The comics. The animation. The podcast. Doing gameplay videos. The website. Trying to get it together to de-clutter my place. So much work to be done. Stuff has taken a toll on me because I have in so many ways given up on dating...so many reasons why not to date and I suspect I am just in some sort of shocked state not sure what move to make so nothing happens. Honestly I do wonder though if its that EVERYBODY has just given up on dating or romance in these fast and weird times we live in. Is it something in the water? Well something certainly has affected people in the last 3-4 years. (Tin foil cap on now)

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 I am making an effort to blog daily going forward. I think this makes it easier for me to keep up with stuff happening and well...I don't want to get in the habit of only coming here to talk about when something in life has pissed me off. So whats happening now? Well I am finally getting serious about cleaning the clutter from my place and its very likely I may have to hire someone to come out and do it. Its gonna be costly but I have no social life and I would probably make alot of noise trying to move those HUGE queen mattresses out by myself. Speaking of noise...this morning I was kept awake by the sound of banging and pounding coming from one of the nearby apartments. Not sure if it was next door or over me but at times it seemed to be coming from all around and man these are like triggers from me since my neighbors used to torment me by tapping on the walls so much. Now when I hear tapping or banging it basically gives me some form of panic attacks. I can feel my heartbeat intensify and theres this weird sensation in my head. Not gonna lie. Sometimes I feel like I get pretty close to stroke territory with these things. I have felt tingly or numbing sensations on my face. I can recognize it as panic attack territory because its almost the same way I feel at times when I'm out in public or in large crowded areas. Ask me again why I have a love hate relationship with the human race. 

Anyway things are starting to get interesting with my projects. My website will be done soon and I'm looking to get back into production on SonsofLegend in a month or two. Also the Sasquatch animated project is still coming along. More money would certainly make things move faster and smoother but I gotta work with what I have right? Been dreaming alot lately so this always means the creative juices are flowing but I definitely miss working security gigs where i had more free time to write or work on stuff. Here at this job its pretty much impossible so I may be searching for another gig sometime this year. Just need to really take some time to sit down and seriously look at what my options are. I will take a pay cut if it brings me peace of mind. Working here has become too stressful and I can feel it affecting my body. Time to go I think. 

Its getting close to the end of the year so I gotta start planning some trips. I plan to do the Halloween thing as usual but I really need to go spend some time with my father. More to come.

Last week I had another run in with a co-worker whom I am currently avoiding speaking to unless its work related. This is a person I have had issues with for awhile now. First it was this constantly poking fun of me and some questionable work habits like leaving the parking gate open and coming in to late frequently (which is not really my business) This person tried to make an issue out of me sometimes not understanding or writing everything down word for word when he is patrolling. Then he hovered over me basically saying I was mentally incompetent when there are plenty of times he does things I don't always call him out on. Often I wonder if anyone else does. We got into a nasty argument and he made it personal by saying people are talking about me at work when I'm not around. Petty shit just to get a reaction from me but man I was so stressed out and the anxiety kicked back in plus I started getting this weird headache which still hasn't really left. Ended up taking a few days off work just so I could get myself together. Its something to be stressed out over things and then to have a potentially dangerous job then on top of that you have issues with co-workers. Why would he say people are talking about me? It makes no sense as I keep my distance from folks to avoid drama. None of these people know me. My deceased cousin Montressa used to say people will talk about you and even if you stay in the house all day they will just say somethings wrong with you. I'm just trying to live my life and trying to have some sense of honor about it and I think some don't understand that concept. Not really. They think its corny and they will come for you. I can tell though most of these folks are like Mary J Blige said not happy with themselves and it reflects in how they treat others. But people wiull come for you until you are forced to tell them to go fuck themselves. Its all waste of energy to me. I have definitely noticed some people don't engage me in conversation anymore. Some who seemed initially cool at first are now standoffish and its not like I've given them any reason since I try to stay to myself. Its so crazy to even imagine people getting together to say bad things about me when I'm not around. I don't get caught up in gossip and am really of the mind I won't say something behind your back I wouldn't say in your face. I guess when you don't really have anything going for yourself and maybe people have judged you harshly its easy to be the same way. I can recognize many people I come into contact with are not happy. I NEED to be around happy people. People I can grow with and perhaps even partner with to build something as opposed to folk always being about or thinking "I" instead of "We" or "Us" This can be alot like winning the lottery I think. I guess this is the part where I give myself that mental pep talk about keeping my eyes on the prize and simply let the haters hate. One of these days all those who drink that haterade will be in for a surprise when they see me doing well and achieving these goals of mine. Then again what others think isn't really any of my business is it. I am this imperfect man who tries to do the right thing. I have my demons like anyone else but at the end of the day I am a good guy who dares to believe in the impossible. Why? Well in so many ways I am the impossible. 

Finally was able to get this stupid beta mode to install on my Steam Deck after multiple attempts. I swaer at times I seem to have the strangest luck with electronics. I recall a time I called my sister to ask for money and the bank system crashed when she tried to wire it. I once walked into a bank...no lie and all the systems went down. I remember once when I was playing Vampire The Masquerade and someone was trying to basically suck all my life out of me and I just kept focusing and concentrating saying NO NO NO and the system was literally glitching not allowing them to kill me. Yeah theres definitely something going on with me. They say theres a force that surrounds all of us and if you believe enough well it can be tapped into to reshape your life. What do I believe? You're really asking someone that who believes Bigfoot might be real. I believe theres a whole other world out here that exists but to most its uncharted territory. There is magic and some can reach out and grab strands of it sometimes...