-A rainy night at work and this cold is going kicking and screaming out the door.-
Dream Journal Entry: (From Yesterday)
I was at a house with my good friend Lymonicus and we were staying at the home of an older man and woman. Also another guy was there. The man and younger guy were having a playful argument about food or rather about the other guy going to get ingredients to make breakfast and cakes(?) apparently. The older man didn't believe going to the store was necessary. He seemed confident he had all the needed ingredients. I was very comfortable and relaxed here which I never really am relaxed like that around ANYONE. I wanted to go the amusement park King's Dominion and Lymonicus suggested I ask Anna my half sisters sister. I went walking at some point and kinda got lost finding my way back. I walked down a long road through a neighborhood and past a cool looking store. Seems I needed to move stuff in some folks yards at some points to proceed. During the dream while I was at the house with Lymonicus I was sitting holding something. Not really sure as its fuzzy on the brain. Could have been a notebook(?)
This was a particularly vivid dream. Very warm and comforting even. Also this dream occurred after I broke off my nearly two week fast from "self pleasure" I thought that J/K sessions helped me have more dreams and this does seem true but the dreams still come while abstaining. They just don't seem as vivid or frequent. Why is that? I don't know. One thing I can say is I can definitely feel a decrease in energy. Maybe its worth noting is the more self pleasure the more sexual desire seems to awaken and the longer the abstaining the more intense the sessions are. One day I will go back and check on these notes because I'm trying to learn more about how my mind works. And also I'm keeping these records of things because someone else might be able to benefit from this knowledge for all I know. Better to share or whats the point of learning anything.
Life Stuff...
You know who called me the other day. It was a surprise because I really wasn't sure if I'd hear from him anytime soon. We talked and it was nice. Turns out he was sick and hasn't been back to work for a week. Admittedly I am aware just like with Captain Africa that I can't let myself get too accustomed to this. What I mean to say is...well after all I went through weaning myself from contact what has happened is I don't really mind going long periods without contact anymore you know. I've gotten used to doing without. (like Stephanie Mills said) It happens. What else can one do right?
So once in awhile I might pick up the phone to call, and check on folks but in the back of my mind I just don't expect these people to be available. (I mean when I was at my lowest where were they?) Indeed.
It is funny though some folks will sometimes show you more attention when they sense you are pulling away. I just can't. Not gonna put much thought into things either. Things are starting to heat up with me creatively and I don't have it in me to chase after relationships. I feel like I am playing a game trying to figure you out and I am too tired so Ima chill.
I don't wanna become like you so pardon me if I keep my distance. I can't become jaded and cynical and stifle who I am. If I start catching feelings again you'll just cut me off again anyway so yeah been down that road.
I don't hate you but I can't love you either.
What a predicament.
Maybe I gave you too much credit
with that brilliant mind
that reserved masculine swagger
and a (well hidden by clothes!) musculature which is unyielding in passion.
Still...I don't think I belong in your world brother.
I think it best I not write anything about you for a GOOD while. Please understand.
Maybe I should just find a cool sex partner and keep my feelings out of it. I wonder sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if in another universe Sergio has some gay folk angry/bewildered at him because he up and got himself a girlfriend and a cool kid. Sometimes. Because I swear dealing with guys is...like trying to put a square peg in a circle. Yeah I said that. I have heard stories about trans people who changed their minds and went back. I wonder just how many stories are there out there about gay men who decided to try dating women because they realized the chances of finding a Mr. Right were pretty nonexistent. I'm just saying I'd like to read some of those stories. And no I have never been with a woman sexually. Plenty of chances have popped up sure but its not something that has really interested me. People pressured me when I was a youngin to get a girlfriend and I did it just to shut them up. Why do people do that though? Pressure you to be with a girl or to get laid? I have heard stories about people that will become so determined to see you laid that they will label you as gay and try to beat you up if they can't confirm you did it. What the hell is wrong with people? Its like they are on a mission to "save" your sex life.
Its something that my mind flashes back to this cute religious guy I met many moons ago in NC. One night while over my place he kept going on about how he gave up "the sin" but just being near me was such a powerful temptation. He made me feel like I had some crazy affliction and just by being near me he was in danger of being affected. There was a time I believed being gay was a sin or evil. Being gay or anything really is a responsibility you can either take on respectfully or pervert through your own actions. So yeah I definitely have my issues with the lgbt community but I do not believe GOD has a problem with us. Maybe with those of us that abuse the gifts we have been given but...that is a topic for a later conversation I think plus lunch break is over.
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