Talk about small victories or rather big leaps...
I dragged myself out of bed to go to a meeting this afternoon. Anxiety be damned. Never mind the fact I was still tripping from the whole"jump ahead one hour". It was a productive meeting with a special effects guy who is also interested in being the director of photography. (I still get that and director roles mixed up to be honest) It feels good to be on track with all the creative energies. I've even been dreaming frequently. This morning I had this crazy sword and sorcery themed dream. No idea why since the new Whitney Houston film was the last thing I watched before going to bed. Also the classical music playing on my radio got infused within my dream to give it a truly angelic soundtrack. I even went to the grocery store when usually I just cave into anxiety and order something from Doordash.I guess that became an addiction since Covid showed up(?)
Its been like a week since I spoke to Mr. Ninja. I'd called to check up on him as he said he was sick. Honestly I can't really say I know exactly why dude cut off contact with me but I guess its another life lesson for me. His number and contact info is deleted from my phone because I gotta get past this. You can't make someone feel something for you no matter what you do. How you feel. It just has to run its course. The mourning I mean. Sometimes it takes awhile but eventually you get over a person. In time they become a distant memory and life goes on. If the gods are kind maybe someone better comes along for us but basically I find myself moving more away from the concept of a releationship. Honestly I wonder what my life could be if I did explore maybe being more open about dating women. Sometimes I think about that in passing because men are crazy as hell and yeah thats all I gotta say about that.
Speaking of men an old acquaintance of mine from Detroit showed up in my dream. The sword and sorcery one. I reached out to him. Dude has been dealing with alot of shit over the years. Health issues. Bad decisions and family problems. Its safe to say we have fallen out of touch but every now and then I find myself thinking about Detroit. It was a place I'd once considered strongly relocating to. Best to keep those contacts in contact when one is thinking of moving to a new place. Once upon a time I had a crush on this guy. I still think he's hot in his own way but I kept my distance because like some other folks I know it seemed everytime we spoke it was always some crazy dramatic shit going on and he never really took any of my advice. I suspect things got to a point where he was forced to. He actually moved from the city and into suburbia to get away from some of those "dramatic elements"
There are quite a few people in my life I have not really kept in touch with as life happens and sometimes one can get caught up in the day to day survival...spiritual warfare and contested mental/physical states. Honestly I am making more effort to cherish the relationships and friendships I've never really had to fight for. What I'm saying is that sometimes we overlook the love we already have in our lives trying to fight for people not worth it. It makes me sad sometimes when I think of family and friends I have pushed away or neglected. This is probably something we should think more about as time goes by because...well most of us are on borrowed time. Do any of us really know for sure how much time we have left with friends and family we have taken for granted?
So mentally I've been on the mend. The weird toothache has mostly faded and even though it hasn't been easy I've been able to start saving some money. Getting "Sasquatch" off the ground has been a slow process. A slow somewhat disturbing process. It started before Covid hit then things kinda took a backseat so now everything feels like a relaunch really. Much of the footage we shot is years old and now I'm unsure if I wanna use it or reshoot. Sir Nathan and I are still not on the best of terms so since his character is a major player in the story Ima have to recast him. Seems I keep having to relearn that same lesson about not getting close to the people you work with. Maybe in some cases these things work but so far for me...it hasn't. So yeah I could reshoot everything and just start over again but then that would feel like I wasted all that time and energy you know? Time, energy, and MONEY. Geez how much easier all of this shit would be if I had just ONE loaded investor. And not one who like someone who shall remain nervous who comes onboard and takes over my shit to turn it into something else so far from my vision that I don't even wanna be involved with it. People keep telling me this happens all the time but its not okay you know. I'm just glad to have a job and the option to save and invest my own moolah in my shit. Just means things might take a bit longer than I'd like but it gives me more control and time to fine tune everything. Its a balancing act being patient and staying consistent too. There is definitely some truth also in "striking while the iron is hot" as they say. I keep wondering how much easier it would be to focus on this film or other projects if I didn't have to go to work every day. A part time job or a more calmer nighttime position is also something worth thinking about. One of the persons at my job who helped me get hired is leaving the company after like 20 years I think. I can't help but wonder what her plans are and how that would feel quitting after working for so long and actually having enough moolah saved up to pursue passions without stressing everyday over survival. I'm sure it takes a load off...
Robert Blake died the other day. He is an actor who played a character named "Barretta" in an old tv series. Dude is an Italian guy and he was one of my childhood crushes. Its so weird seeing photos of him at like 90 years. Didn't even know he was that age you know? In my mind I can still see this particular episode where he got under the covers with some lady and she started moaning his name as the screen went black and credits rolled. I mean dude had a nice body and that swagger you know? The things they can get away with on tv huh? I was only about 7 and even as a child I still knew what was going on. Janets breast or Will Smith slapping someone is probably pretty meager compared to some of the stuff the next generations are gonna be seeing on primetime I'm sure. Speaking of tv there were some oscar snubs this year. The Woman King comes to mind. This movie was amazing and to think initially I resisted watching it. What a fool. And yes there was MORE than enough African eye candy to satisfy me. Yeah I still am weak for those African brothers. You best believe if I had the money and a passport... I'll let you finish that sentence. Still before even thinking about maybe dating I gotta get myself in better shape you know. Its mostly just a matter of flattening this stomach. Dunno. Perhaps its something that can be done before the summer. If I can get serious enough about it. Because my place is so cramped I don' t really have the space to work out here. Still deciding where to store all the stuff I started packing up. Storage space is kinda expensive. Gotta look around check out my options you know?
Its been raining alot lately. Its beeb cold too. No fires which is a great thing. They say we are still in a drought though as strange as that sounds. Russia and Ukraine are still in the news and so are shootings. Sometimes I wish ALL the guns in the world would simply vanish. Disney after 56 years just lost tax privileges in Florida because the governor Santis went after them over some lgbtq issues. Stuff like "Don't say gay" and womens abortion rights appear to be in his crosshairs. How do I feel bout all this? Well I'm old fashioned and really wouldn't want my kids thinking about certain things best left for adults. (Folks over 21) How about spending time being a kid and having all the fun and experiences associated with childhood while not being in a rush to grow up? It is my belief children should if possible be shielded from certain things. Kids are gonna be curious and they will explore yet their innocence is something that should be treasured because in this day and age it fades so quickly. Am I wrong for believing that? And as a member of the lgbtq community, I have no problem with anyone who is trans but at first it was lgbt. Then it became lgbtq+. I'm still conflicted over what some of those letters mean and honestly sometimes I wonder if there are too many letters or agendas that might not necessarily align with all of us in the lgbt community. No disrespect for accomplishments or partnerships yet there are some departments within "my" community" I don't really feel a connection with. We banded together because of similar experiences and theres power in numbers but sometimes I think the lgbtq+ community like some other communities have become bullies or overly sensitive crybabies. I understand the need for vigilance and even paranoia at times because GOD knows sometimes we have a right to be paranoid yet there is some truth that when a person is a superhero long enough so much of the time they become so much like the super villains they fight against. Is that right?I just worry that on our quest to become a more powerful entity we have lost something important along the way. Now I just sound like an old person.
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