Didn't go to work today. Should have actually stayed home the last few days but I went in anyway worried about my lack of sick days and thinking maybe folks would be mad at me. Crazy to have to think like that you know? You need time off work but you are worried about taking it off or you don't have the time. I look around and see the signs so many others are like me in these life situations that seem...well at times its like you are trying to climb this mountain that is impossible to climb and you spend all your life struggling for something you never get then oneday its all over. How many of us really leave this world feeling happy and fulfilled after living a well rounded life. What awaits? Retirement you can scarcely enjoy and then a rest home where you are just simply waiting to exit? I swear sometimes life does feel like a set up you have to fight against. I think most of us just go along without really living up to our potential and when we encounter those who achieve their dreams its like being in the presence of some otherworldly creatures because we really don't quite understand them. Being in the presence of greatness. What makes that small percentage so great? In my mind I know i have to get there because I can't keep on going like this. Not being happy I mean. This constant struggle to remain afloat. Feels like I have just enough to eak by in life but its not really enough for my spirit. My body. My mind. Yeah in so many ways I have a good life with its own riches yet my spirit feels a longing. Its the call of the wild I guess. Maybe it really finally is time for me to start thinking about leaving California.
No I have not called him. Every day that goes by without me calling...well it actually makes it easier to resist you know? Out of sight out of mind sort of thing maybe? I'll tell you one thing one lesson I have learned from all this. Falling for someone can certainly be dangerous for me. When it goes south my mind and body suffer. Its like I am torn apart and my entire system seems to malfunction. Just a simple hug or phone call or comforting word would help so much yet it NEVER comes and I am forced to recover on my own and some of us...well we already feel things alot LOUDER than the rest of you. It is not something I would do but I completely understand why some folks take their lives in an effort to escape the pain. Its like at times a screaming in your mind that never stops. There are these scenes in one of the Twilight films where Bella was literally dying because Edward left her. First time i saw it I was kinda like..."Really girl?" but now I can say I understand. Its so terribly cruel to be fed something wonderful then to have it suddenly taken from you then you're just expected to "Let it go" like Frozen but for some of us its really not that easy. Especially when life is just spankin that ass and you are at a low point emotionally.
Sometimes we latch on to something or someone and I suppose it may well appear that one is pathetic in their eyes. Still I have to wonder how many people out there could have gone on to be truly great if only that one person who turned them away believed in them. The man who published several of my short stories in his magazine SBC had this cool poster in his house of Diana Ross. It had these captions on it that said "If just one person believes in me I can move mountains" I bring that up because no matter how sad and empty life can seem at times there is at least one person who believes in YOU. They might not even be on this earth anymore but its there...that acknowledgment is a strength...a power that never runs out of fuel. I guess you can say its the love of the Universe. My sister once said she thought Whitney Houston was too beautiful to belong to anyone. Its gonna sound crazy but I have heard some say some of us are just...maybe GOD made us just for him. What if I am one of those people? Could certainly explain all the bad luck I have had in the romance dept...
So I won't call. I will just keep resisting. I'll stay way and then oneday I will probably feel NOTHING. It feels like...this moment in time feels like the calm before the storm. Like my film projects and comic projects are about to take over my life again. I'm gonna be too wrapped up in so many other things. Like I was before. Won't be any extra time for anything else. Do you know what its like to feel like you are making up for lost time? That can put wind beneathe those sails real quick. Sometimes it takes a great and terrible moment to make one realize or remember that the show must go on. In other words sometimes something really bad has to happen to get us back on track. There really is some wisdom in that "Don't go chasing waterfalls" song... (The only version I wanna hear is the one with Left Eye rapping in it) In general I'm not a big fan of editing songs.
Recently I came across a story in the Media about a young brother who was murdered in Mississippi. From what I have read and heard they say he was followed by a bunch of white folks in trucks and he went to the police for help. He even went into a store to try and find safety. He called his mother during the ordeal. Rasheem Carter was only 25 years old and his body was found dismembered as well as beheaded. It still blows my mind how cruel people can be to each other. It still blows my mind how easy it is for some to just take a life and then just be okay with extinguishing a light...taking away an uncle...a brother...a father...a cousin...hopes and dreams which can never be fulfilled now. I mean that person could have gone on to develop a cure for cancer or they could have become President. Now it's all gone. The rate at which humans kill each other is horrific but whats even more horrific is that this has become the new normal. School shootings. Shootings at clubs. Needless wars. Terrorism that takes lives... Sometimes it feels we are going backwards as a society or perhaps some of us never moved forward. Sometimes it feels like we should go backwards in regards to certain things because morality and scruples seem to be things left in the past. We had cartoons and shows that taught us some things kids don't really have these days. There was something else I wanted to say but I had a brain fart. The gist is I'm worried...genuinely worried about the direction the world is going in.
So the weekend is almost upon us. I'm thinking if I feel up to it I'll go out to Universal Studios to check out the new Super Nintendo attraction. I've thought of asking someone to go with me then it dawned on me I have no real social life. Yeah leaving Cali is probably something I need to do since theres nothing tying me here. Not really. Filming and comic books any artistic endeavors they can all be done practically anywhere. But this weather though... Anyway I do have a three day weekend coming up. Was thinking of going to see Captain Liberia but that might be the best time to go to Universal. Then again the 3 day weekend is Caesar Chavez holiday which means big crowds which means long waits for rides. Maybe I go this weekend and for my 3 days off just start on that epic cleaning up project that is overdue. Thee is so much stuff that needs to be put in storage and my closet...well it needs prayer. But I do need to do something fun to get me out of the funkiness thats been going on the past few weeks. I'm long overdue on a trip to Long Beach Pier. Thats always a cool place to go clear the mental cobwebs. Getting a hotel room somewhere is something I think of often. Somewhere like Vegas. New York would be nice. I need to start working on getting myself a new passport too! For the time being maybe a trip to Universal is indeed what I need. Hopefully they don't force you to make online reservations like Disney does now...
No comments:
Post a Comment