I did something today I rarely do nowadays. I took the bus home from work. Taking the bus isn't something I don't do. I mean I took the bus home from the dentist the other day. I took it home from the movies Sunday night. Its just that since Covid became a thing in 2020 I like some other folks just got tired of having to deal with riffraff on public transportation so Uber/Lyft became our new lifestyle. Its so damn expensive to keep doing that though and since I am in money saving mode I have to cut back on some things. I may get rid of my Hulu/Disney+ and even Amazon this month and simply keep Netflix. Amazon is great for orders but they started nerfing the selection of music available for Prime so being able to make playlists at work pretty much is dead in the water unless I pay more. Its funny that for like 10 years they provided an exellent free tier. Now CrunchyRoll is limiting how much anime you have access. I mean it is severely limited now so Ima need to get my Naruto fix on somewhere else unless I pay. I do think Netflix has the series now so I gotta check. It hurt to let HBO Max go because I was watching Titans and Star Girl. Right now i am doing a trial of ALLBLK because I'm watching a show called Superstition which features Mario Van Peebles and his family who hunt monsters. Always wanted to watch that series and its always nice to look at handsome brothers. So like I said I am in money saving mode. This has alot to do with my Sasquatch project and also because my last dentist visit came with a shocking revelation regarding some expensive ass procedures I need done. Its all gonna cost $9000.00. That was sobering to tell you the truth. Also I wanna put stuff in storage so I need to figure some things out.
Dealing with mental illness like anxiety and depression is a trip. Taking a walk outside or even going to the store can feel like an epic adventure. Really. I came out of a really dark place recently. I guess I have been coming out of it for awhile. Honestly 2020 didn't help. Losing a sister definitely didn't help. The scary shit at work and how much the world has changed period hasn't helped and then you're expected to just deal with all this shit when you are already over compensating...its like doing the impossible yet we do it. My props to anyone else out there dealing with this shit because it is not a journey for the faint of heart and some of us...many of us don't make it. I made myself get up and go to the movies the other day just like I made myself order a Daniel Winans cd I have been searching for for years. Its the little things you know? Treating yourself. Pampering yourself. Wash your feet. Clean the house. Play a game or some music. Watch a movie, veg out and close your eyes so you can be in the moment...feel the moment. Do something to remind yourself you are still alive and better days could be coming if you hold on. Date yourself even. I know that sounds corny but if it keeps you going do it. Just don't hurt anybody. Delete those big bad phone numbers too. Especially if they are not calling and finally channel your energy towards the deserving. Don't waste your precious time in this life doing otherwise because if you do you are cheating yourself and saying you deserve to be treated badly. You DON'T. Fuck them ho's. Just remember there was a time before when you were happy and it wasn't because of THEM. You can get back there again even if you have to fight for it. Don't sit around waiting for somebody to come save you either. Pain and haters are always gonna show up but in time they eventually fade away. Sometimes you might even need to leave but survive and endure because...because you must find the strength and reason to carry on. Don't be afraid of some solitude either as sometimes there may come a time when you need a break from people and their bullshit.
The toothache has almost gone away. Still have to be careful with hot/cold liquids. Hot/cold ANYTHING really. Basically it started right around my dentist appointment. Wish I'd taken better care of my teeth. Now I need implants and a root canal. Wanted to go to Mexico as folks say dental stuff is dirt cheap over yonder but things in Mexico are getting crazy now. Its always men and this BS of killing each other and folks getting caught in the crossfire. A family was caught in a gunfight and kidnapped the other day. At least here in LA it seems the gang madness has calmed down. Somebody told me its because those guys are older now and most of them have families. All I can say is THANK GOD. I remember back in 1993 while walking down Sunset some brother was like "What you doing wearing red out here?!?" and I had no idea what he was going on about. So black men kill each other now for wearing shirts? Great. As if I didn't already have enough things to worry about. Cops stopping and profiling me. Getting followed around in stores and folks acting nervous like I want their purses or phones or anything... Crazy racist bastards that want me dead, body shaming gone wild on and off social media then we got homophobic bible thumpers hiding in the shadows trying to manipulate my life...computer hackers out to get my shit fuckers trying to steal my shit. Fuckers chipping away at my self worth and I hear romance might just be a DEAD dinosaur? Plus the craziness I gotta deal with on the street, on the trains and buses or at work...terrors and worldwide environmental erosion then over here crazy black folks that wanna kill me because of a t-shirt. JUST FUCKING GREAT.
It is time to take my salmon out of the oven and figure out why this cd won't work. Also I need to respond to the people who responded to my online ad for a special effects person for my film so this is where I leave you. Have a good night. (And if you do decide to go out please make sure to pack your ironman armor, bring your wand or wear your hero(villain?) costume under your clothes because you never know when you're gonna need it)
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