A letter written for he that shall never read it...
Man when I got to spend time with you and got to know you something stirred in me. Feelings that were long buried came to the surface and then...I blew it. I should have been more patient. I should have had it together. I know some of the blame falls on you but I accept some of the responsibility. And while I can't say that I was in love there was a powerful attraction to you. Its crazy because you NEVER gave me the indication you would ever feel as I did. In fact you even warned me a few times not to get too attached. Okay it was more than a few. I don't know what you expect to happen when you tell somebody something like that. And then in the moment of heated passion... In that moment you said. Don't expect it to feel like this the next time. There wasn't gonna be any other time. Did you know that at that moment? I guess I will never know. Because you have cut me off. I tried to reach out to you in some attempt to communicate. Its weird feeling something for someone then fighting to resist it and I think this is easy for you a man who refuses attachment(s) It could be you are suffering from some issues. You said it yourself...we are all broken. In some ways thats probably true. You are so full of secrets man. Some freaky sixth sense is telling me you're not telling me everything and thats fine I guess. We all have our secrets. In the end its none of my business but I'm not gonna keep punishing myself for feeling like I failed in some way. Failed again in another attempt to love the unloveable. Well unloveable to me as you never wanted it. What I have may never be enough for some no matter how rich, famous or physically desirable I become. You are the impossible dream I must let go thus I release you to go to that place all dreams that must die must are laid to rest for all eternity. In truth I never had a chance with you. I made the same mistake I made before falling for a co-worker. That was bad enough yet what was worse was how much energy I wasted. Wasted energy just like that Alicia Keys song. I really wish I could go back in time and un-meet you and every man who wasted or turned away this turning me into this...a hollow shell of who I used to be. Someone enthusiastic about love and relationships and now the only fleeting joy I experience is at my own hands. I fight not to give up even though so much of me has. I think at times I am trapped in a world where everyone else has forsaken the real concept of a relationship. Nobody wants to put in the work and social media makes it so easy to move on to the next when there could be a diamond in the rough that could use some polishing. Nobody wants to stick around for that. So we lust after perfection. Glistening muscular internet warriors with their shirtless Instagram profiles. (I wonder how many are straight or how many are gay for pay?) Some of us look for perfection and I think subconsciously we know we're not gonna find it. Its just another cmplex way of running from something. Tell me I'm crazy. Tell me I think too much or that my ambitions are unrealistic but the truth is I am the artsy mind that someone like you could never understand or be worthy of. I scare you. Just as I fascinate you. I never had a chance with you. I wasn't enough. Smart enough. Normal enough. Low key enough? Hell maybe I wasn't the right race for you. Don't think that hasn't crossed my mind. All I can do is speculate as you have told me NOTHING. I was cut off. This I promise you I am done speculating because I've gone to the valley of the uncaring. In my mind I can see us meeting up briefly in some years and there will be a hello. Perhaps a brief glance as minds wonder what could have been. I am setting you free. This is me rolling up my feelings and throwing them in a wastebasket never to be seen again. From now on I won't waste my feelings on the undeserving. I do not hate you or harbor any ill will to you. The only thing I wish is that you just stop dating period until you are ready for someone good because you will attract them and your rejection might just make a good soul turn their back on love as you'd be the proverbial straw to break the camels back. I won't be that camel. And you...well hopefully you won't be 100 years old when you decide to let someone love you because its finally "convenient" Obviously we were not meant to be and you were a lesson. Perhaps we both were lessons for each other. Goodbye Mr. Ninja man of many secrets. May you find some semblance of happiness in this life and spread light not darkness because we already have more than enough of that.
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