Confessions of a sad superhero book 97

 We had another shooting the other day. This one was at a school in Tennessee. The shooter, a transgender person was killed by policemen who arrived on the scene. Its crazy that these things just keep happening here in the US. 

In other news it looks like Microsofts acquisition of Activision/Blizzard will go through despite Sony's considerable ploy to block it. The FTC was in Sony's corner but the tables recently turned when Microsoft court ordered some info concerning concerning SOny's business practices over the years. Like we didn't already know Sony was blocking games from other consoles. Now Washington has gotten involved and some new regulations may come about due to some shadey things going on in Japan when it comes to putting games on western consoles.

A co-worker came by to talk with me about colorism because an African guy was giving him hell about being light-skinned. Basically saying he wasn't really black. We ended up getting into an interesting conversation about some of the BS within the black community concerning skin shade. Other cultures deal with this shit too. It's insane to me. Just more unnecessary drama humans conjur up because they have too much time on their hands. I will come back to this later since its time for me to get off work... 

Later:

I remember years ago I was talking with some guy on the phone named "Dre". Now i'm convinced that was a fake name but anyway dude was like "Man you probably don't wanna go out with somebody dark skinned" and I was really surprised to hear him say that. Due to some fallout from slavery there has always been this weird thing with some black folks about skin shade. The white folks would keep the light complected folks in the house and treat them better. They were the "house niggers" and the drak skinned folks were often treated like shit and made to work outside. Probably in the fields and doing grunt work. They were the "field niggers" So that developed some animosities betwixt the skin shades. Yeah, its stooopid. People always gotta be on some dumb ass shit. Even in other cultures darker skin folks or more "ehnic" folks get treated some kinda way by their brethren. I'm so glad that I was never taught these things nor do I have that funky DNA or spiritual residue inside me that makes me act indifferent toward someone because of something like their skin color or race. I was actually raised mostly by darker skinned folks. My Grandma was dark on my mothers side and so was my Great Grandma. My fathers mother was light and I know she often went out of her way to protect me from BS. She understood I was "different" more sensitive than the others from the litter I guess. Maybe smarter too but I digress. I recall one day at one job I worked at this kinda hot bro was saying because i was light skinned white folks treat me better and things are easier. I was like...uhhhhh NOPE. I still get followed around in stores. Sometimes stopped and searched by cops. White folks sometimes seem to get all weird and nervous around me. Even other gay folks but thats probably because of misconceptions brought on by movies and tv. The 10 oclock news or simply not really having any black friends. Then again if you don't "act gay" enough some other gay folks don't really seem to know how to process you. Thats a whole other conversation though. 

So you got light-skinned families that won't date dark-skinned folks because they wanna keep it light. Light skin. "Good hair" and exotic-colored eyes. All that jazz. Some light skinned folks act "super black" to overcompensate because they don't wanna get treated or perceived a certain way. Then you have dark skinned folks who feel superior to light-skinned folks and would never get with them outside of fucking because they look at us a certain kinda way. Its all kind of ways fucked up and it makes me sad because...well its not like we don't already have shit to worry about. We catch hell from society in general also then we turn around we do it to ourselves too. But then again self-hate is the elephant in the room as far as I'm concerned. Just look at our neighborhoods and how frequently we kill our own. Shit trickles downstream.

It is also a reality that some black folks from other countries treat or view American black folks some kinda way. Some call us lazy and some just wanna take advantage of us because they think we are loaded. But many of us are actually one paycheck away from the street due to the cost of living. I am constantly getting hit up by guys from Nigeria or Ghana. Some of these guys will act all friendly then try to scam you. Its gottan so bad i automatically don't wanna trust anyone form these areas that approach me.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 96

 I had another interesting dream yesterday. Might have been influenced by something weird I saw on Youtube. In my dream, I was in a car riding thru a forest on a dirt road with someone when I saw a long giant black and white colored snake. 

I was irritable at work this morning. It was because I notice wt times when I call out for my break others will opt to call out for theirs seconds later forcing me to have to wait. There are so many things that co-workers do and honestly most of the time I say nothing because I know nothing will come out of it. Guess we all break the rules sometimes but not having consideration or respect for the people you work with can cause a toxic work environment because folks end up resenting working with you. Sometimes folks might even stay home because they loathe this shit. A Lyft driver said something once that helped me cope with work habits of other people. You just can't expect other folks to have the same work ethics as you. No point in getting upset. Just worry about yourself. They say one way of alleviating stress at work is to "silently quit" That is come in and do the least amount of work possible. My thing is I am usually stressing out because of worry about getting in trouble. Since "the incident with the N" things have been kinda janky with me because it put the spotlight on me. Truthfully this may be something I can never fix. Just thinking about that is stress in and of itself. 

I think sometimes when people look at you and you seem to be doing okay they wanna in some ways come for you or mess with you. It might even be on a sub-conscious level when they are doing these things. It is now I am really understanding why some people come to work and refuse to engage with others.  You don't want people to dislike you or consider you a conceited jerk but man so many humans are just MESSY.  

Speaking of messy...this damn cold is sure taking its time clearing up. I'm blowing my nose frequently and all I did yesterday was stay in bed ALL DAY. Literally. I'd drank some knock-off Nyquil so that surely contributed. I think my mind is so cluttered right now. I'm torn between re-writing the Sasquatch script because of some new inspirations and we're supposed to be having a meeting this weekend. Meanwhile things have really slowed with my comics since the big man moved and needed to focus on getting situated. Nothing has happened for well over six months now and I'm still waiting on lettering for many of the pages with finished and colored art. Its my goal to hang in here awhile longer to save more money but it seems like the solution to my time management is quitting so I can focus on this stuff. It is certainly with risks but I could catch up on so much if I had about three months of being able to write freely without having to worry about work,bills or some of the other stressful things that typically draw my attention.  Just pause all the BS. Yeah, I know...be careful what you wish for.

All the Reasons To Break Up. (Or walk away)

You don't make enough money.

You're too light.

Too dark.

Not light enough.

Not dark enough.

Don't like your car.

Don't like your dog/cat/other

Bad credit.

Not educated enough.

Not enough muscles.

Too many muscles.

Too normal.

Not normal enough.

Yo ass too "out there".

Shave damnit!

Get your head out of the clouds and (fill in the blank) like everybody else.

Can't roller skate backward.

Wrong race.

Wrong religion.

Don't drive.

Too short.

Too tall.

Too skinny.

Wrong zodiac.

Too far away.

Can't dance.

Smart a$$.

Dumb azzzz.

Intimidation factor(s)

Don't like your taste in music.

Too fem.

Too masculine.

Too overweight.

Bad sex skills/experiences.

Long nails.

Stank cologne.

Don't have their own place.

Smoker.

Politics.

Youse a celebrity.

Youse a cop.

Youse a snitch/rent a cop (security)

Damn nosey press(!)

Broke ass n*gga

Rich ass n*gga

Too "small"

Too "NOT small!"

No junk in the trunk.

Bad fashion sense.

Family no likey.

You low status foo!

You play videogames? Salutes or tips hat. (melts into the shrubbery)

Where you from?!?

Stankin!

Yo profession is wack.

I heard a rumor.

Too pretty. (or smell too good)

Unpretty.

Medical issues.

I'm DL. You're not.

Scared of commitment.

You are too close to home.

Whatever the reason is you never find out and you  think its you buts its really not.

They a HO.

(I'm not sure if I left anything out but I feel like maybe I did.) 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 95

-A rainy night at work and this cold is going kicking and screaming out the door.-

Dream Journal Entry: (From Yesterday)

I was at a house with my good friend Lymonicus and we were staying at the home of an older man and woman. Also another guy was there. The man and younger guy were having a playful argument about food or rather about the other guy going to get ingredients to make breakfast and cakes(?) apparently. The older man didn't believe going to the store was necessary. He seemed confident he had all the needed ingredients. I was very comfortable and relaxed here which I never really am relaxed like that around ANYONE. I wanted to go the amusement park King's Dominion and Lymonicus suggested I ask Anna my half sisters sister. I went walking at some point and kinda got lost finding my way back. I walked down a long road through a neighborhood and past a cool looking store. Seems I needed to move stuff in some folks yards at some points to proceed. During the dream while I was at the house with Lymonicus I was sitting holding something. Not really sure as its fuzzy on the brain. Could have been a notebook(?) 

This was a particularly vivid dream. Very warm and comforting even. Also this dream occurred after I broke off my nearly two week fast from "self pleasure" I thought that J/K sessions helped me have more dreams and this does seem true but the dreams still come while abstaining. They just don't seem as vivid or frequent. Why is that? I don't know. One thing I can say is I can definitely feel a decrease in energy. Maybe its worth noting is the more self pleasure the more sexual desire seems to awaken and the longer the abstaining the more intense the sessions are. One day I will go back and check on these notes because I'm trying to learn more about how my mind works. And also I'm keeping these records of things because someone else might be able to benefit from this knowledge for all I know. Better to share or whats the point of learning anything. 

Life Stuff...

You know who called me the other day. It was a surprise because I really wasn't sure if I'd hear from him anytime soon. We talked and it was nice. Turns out he was sick and hasn't been back to work for a week. Admittedly I am aware just like with Captain Africa that I can't let myself get too accustomed to this. What I mean to say is...well after all I went through weaning myself from contact what has happened is I don't really mind going long periods without contact anymore you know. I've gotten used to doing without. (like Stephanie Mills said)  It happens. What else can one do right? 

So once in awhile I might pick up the phone to call, and check on folks but in the back of my mind I just don't expect these people to be available. (I mean when I was at my lowest where were they?) Indeed. 

It is funny though some folks will sometimes show you more attention when they sense you are pulling away. I just can't. Not gonna put much thought into things either. Things are starting to heat up with me creatively and I don't have it in me to chase after relationships. I feel like I am playing a game trying to figure you out and I am too tired so Ima chill.

I don't wanna become like you so pardon me if I keep my distance. I can't become jaded and cynical and stifle who I am. If I start catching feelings again you'll just cut me off again anyway so yeah been down that road. 

I don't hate you but I can't love you either.

What a predicament.

Maybe I gave you too much credit

with that brilliant mind

that reserved masculine swagger

and a (well hidden by clothes!) musculature which is unyielding in passion.

Still...I don't think I belong in your world brother. 

I think it best I not write anything about you for a GOOD while. Please understand.

Maybe I should just find a cool sex partner and keep my feelings out of it. I wonder sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if in another universe Sergio has some gay folk angry/bewildered at him because he up and got himself a girlfriend and a cool kid. Sometimes. Because I swear dealing with guys is...like trying to put a square peg in a circle. Yeah I said that. I have heard stories about trans people who changed their minds and went back. I wonder just how many stories are there out there about gay men who decided to try dating women because they realized the chances of finding a Mr. Right were pretty nonexistent. I'm just saying I'd like to read some of those stories. And no I have never been with a woman sexually. Plenty of chances have popped up sure but its not something that has really interested me. People pressured me when I was a youngin to get a girlfriend and I did it just to shut them up. Why do people do that though? Pressure you to be with a girl or to get laid? I have heard stories about people that will become so determined to see you laid that they will label you as gay and try to beat you up if they can't confirm you did it. What the hell is wrong with people? Its like they are on a mission to "save" your sex life. 

Its something that my mind flashes back to this cute religious guy I met many moons ago in NC. One night while over my place he kept going on about how he gave up "the sin" but just being near me was such a powerful temptation. He made me feel like I had some crazy affliction and just by being near me he was in danger of being affected. There was a time I believed being gay was a sin or evil. Being gay or anything really is a responsibility you can either take on respectfully or pervert through your own actions. So yeah I definitely have my issues with the lgbt community but I do not believe GOD has a problem with us. Maybe with those of us that abuse the gifts we have been given but...that is a topic for a later conversation I think plus lunch break is over.  

Confessions of a sad superhero book 94

 Superheroes and politics.

I didn't go to work again. Still fighting off this cold. I think I'm probably at around 70% over it. Still runny nose. Light headed. Headache practically non-existent. Not as cold as I was feeling before. My throat isn't sore. Not really and the sores in my mouth that made eating akin to eating razor blades have nearly healed. Still have that weird toothache that I'm getting checked on Monday. But no more body aches and I was feeling good enough to shave and cut my hair. A lot of it left-handed. (I'm getting better at training my left hand to do things) Sometimes I wonder if maybe I've been left-handed all along. Might explain some things. I dunno. Got plenty of sleep and my mind feels like a cloud has lifted. See maybe this is my kryptonite. I guess every superhero has that. For me it seems falling hard for someone and then getting dumped...well thats the proverbial kryptonite shank in the back. Now that I got that nasty reminder of what a broken heart can do to me one should certainly understand why I decided to stay the hell away from dating. Maybe for at least a few years because I can't afford to let myself get side tracked as it seriously interferes with my focus. My well being. My state of mind even. The chemicals and pheremones they just can make one all sorts of crazy and as impossible as it may seem you have to regain control or be consumed. Otherwise you fall apart and your world goes to hell meanwhile that other person is just going on with their lives not even thinking about YOU while you lose everything. That can't be me. I am done banging my head up against the wall. The universe has sent me a message loud and clear. Leave those fools alone and live your live your life. The mission as always is what matters. That and the people we love. The ones who never gave up on us especially. If something is meant to be if you let it go..well you know the rest. Don't wait around. Don't waste precious time because one day those persons and things you neglect might be gone... I have been neglecting my work lately. My mind was all fogged up for sure but sometimes I get all these ideas flowing through my head. Sometimes it all plays out like I'm in these settings having these imaginary conversations with people about things...life...comics...superheroes. Sometimes there are these cool question and answer sessions. So earlier there was one about Superman and how he should really be a country bumpkin (not saying he'd be stoopid) but he's never really portrayed that way. Like if Superman were real what would his political affiliations be? I think he'd be a republican. Grew up in Kansas. His moms was likely a church going woman. Maybe not a bible thumper but Jonathan on the other hand...Does he even have any black friends? I wonder. Speaking of Wonder I think Diana would be a politician who would change her party if it furthered her goals. Diana you see has been around thousands of years which makes her a master at strategy. This in effect makes it VERY hard to defeat her in ANYTHING. Batman could go either way...a rich playboy but very smart and politically connected. But I see him like a rich hippie more. Kinda like a Jesus type who hangs out with the downtrodden or freaks of society and completely understands whats going on in the world. He doesn't live in the clouds not coming down to walk amongst the mortals. He's like Keanu Reeves. But he might go Republican if it would get him in the position to make the changes he really wants to make. (There could still be a cool friendship with Supes yet I imagine there would be some epic arguments Diana would have to step in to referee) Bruce might secretly be a democrat on the DL and he might actually really be on the DL in other aspects too. Same with Diana I suspect but she'd keep that a heavily guarded secret otherwise she would lose support from her party.  Meanwhile later in life Clark becomes an independent when he realizes both democrats and republicans are ultimately full of shit. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 93

 Didn't go to work today. Should have actually stayed home the last few days but I went in anyway worried about my lack of sick days and thinking maybe folks would be mad at me. Crazy to have to think like that you know? You need time off work but you are worried about taking it off or you don't have the time. I look around and see the signs so many others are like me in these life situations that seem...well at times its like you are trying to climb this mountain that is impossible to climb and you spend all your life struggling for something you never get then oneday its all over. How many of us really leave this world feeling happy and fulfilled after living a well rounded life. What awaits? Retirement you can scarcely enjoy and then a rest home where you are just simply waiting to exit? I swear sometimes life does feel like a set up you have to fight against. I think most of us just go along without really living up to our potential and when we encounter those who achieve their dreams its like being in the presence of some otherworldly creatures because we really don't quite understand them. Being in the presence of greatness. What makes that small percentage so great? In my mind I know i have to get there because I can't keep on going like this. Not being happy I mean. This constant struggle to remain afloat. Feels like I have just enough to eak by in life but its not really enough for my spirit. My body. My mind. Yeah in so many ways I have a good life with its own riches yet my spirit feels a longing. Its the call of the wild I guess. Maybe it really finally is time for me to start thinking about leaving California. 

No I have not called him. Every day that goes by without me calling...well it actually makes it easier to resist you know? Out of sight out of mind sort of thing maybe? I'll tell you one thing one lesson I have learned from all this. Falling for someone can certainly be dangerous for me. When it goes south my mind and body suffer. Its like I am torn apart and my entire system seems to malfunction. Just a simple hug or phone call or comforting word would help so much yet it NEVER comes and I am forced to recover on my own and some of us...well we already feel things alot LOUDER than the rest of you. It is not something I would do but I completely understand why some folks take their lives in an effort to escape the pain. Its like at times a screaming in your mind that never stops. There are these scenes in one of the Twilight films where Bella was literally dying because Edward left her. First time i saw it I was kinda like..."Really girl?" but now I can say I understand. Its so terribly cruel to be fed something wonderful then to have it suddenly taken from you then you're just expected to "Let it go" like Frozen but for some of us its really not that easy.  Especially when life is just spankin that ass and you are at a low point emotionally. 

Sometimes we latch on to something or someone and I suppose it may well appear that one is pathetic in their eyes. Still I have to wonder how many people out there could have gone on to be truly great if only that one person who turned them away believed in them. The man who published several of my short stories in his magazine SBC had this cool poster in his house of Diana Ross. It had these captions on it that said "If just one person believes in me I can move mountains" I bring that up because no matter how sad and empty life can seem at times there is at least one person who believes in YOU. They might not even be on this earth anymore but its there...that acknowledgment is a strength...a power that never runs out of fuel. I guess you can say its the love of the Universe. My sister once said she thought Whitney Houston was too beautiful to belong to anyone. Its gonna sound crazy but I have heard some say some of us are just...maybe GOD made us just for him. What if I am one of those people? Could certainly explain all the bad luck I have had in the romance dept...

So I won't call. I will just keep resisting. I'll stay way and then oneday I will probably feel NOTHING. It feels like...this moment in time feels like the calm before the storm. Like my film projects and comic projects are about to take over my life again. I'm gonna be too wrapped up in so many other things. Like I was before. Won't be any extra time for anything else. Do you know what its like to feel like you are making up for lost time? That can put wind beneathe those sails real quick. Sometimes it takes a great and terrible moment to make one realize or remember that the show must go on. In other words sometimes something really bad has to happen to get us back on track. There really is some wisdom in that "Don't go chasing waterfalls" song... (The only version I wanna hear is the one with Left Eye rapping in it) In general I'm not a big fan of editing songs.

Recently I came across a story in the Media about a young brother who was murdered in Mississippi. From what I have read and heard they say he was followed by a bunch of white folks in trucks and he went to the police for help. He even went into a store to try and find safety. He called his mother during the ordeal. Rasheem Carter was only 25 years old and his body was found dismembered as well as beheaded. It still blows my mind how cruel people can be to each other. It still blows my mind how easy it is for some to just take a life and then just be okay with extinguishing a light...taking away an uncle...a brother...a father...a cousin...hopes and dreams which can never be fulfilled now.  I mean that person could have gone on to develop a cure for cancer or they could have become President. Now it's all gone. The rate at which humans kill each other is horrific but whats even more horrific is that this has become the new normal. School shootings. Shootings at clubs. Needless wars. Terrorism that takes lives... Sometimes it feels we are going backwards as a society or perhaps some of us never moved forward. Sometimes it feels like we should go backwards in regards to certain things because morality and scruples seem to be things left in the past. We had cartoons and shows that taught us some things kids don't really have these days. There was something else I wanted to say but I had a brain fart. The gist is I'm worried...genuinely worried about the direction the world is going in. 

So the weekend is almost upon us. I'm thinking if I feel up to it I'll go out to Universal Studios to check out the new Super Nintendo attraction. I've thought of asking someone to go with me then it dawned on me I have no real social life. Yeah leaving Cali is probably something I need to do since theres nothing tying me here. Not really. Filming and comic books any artistic endeavors they can all be done practically anywhere. But this weather though... Anyway I do have a three day weekend coming up. Was thinking of going to see Captain Liberia but that might be the best time to go to Universal. Then again the 3 day weekend is Caesar Chavez holiday which means big crowds which means long waits for rides. Maybe I go this weekend and for my 3 days off just start on that epic cleaning up project that is overdue. Thee is so much stuff that needs to be put in storage and my closet...well it needs prayer. But I do need to do something fun to get me out of the funkiness thats been going on the past few weeks. I'm long overdue on a trip to Long Beach Pier. Thats always a cool place to go clear the mental cobwebs. Getting a hotel room somewhere is something I think of often. Somewhere like Vegas. New York would be nice. I need to start working on getting myself a new passport too! For the time being maybe a trip to Universal is indeed what I need. Hopefully they don't force you to make online reservations like Disney does now...

Confessions of a sad superhero book 92

(The love I never had (a chance at)

 Just me and my cold coffee here.

They don't throw cold coffee away anymore.

Now they just package it and sell it.

I came in

even though I am feeling a bit under the weather

-couldn't really sleep today-

and its raining

I'm still here

With my big bad can of Lysol

As insane as it is 

Still thinking of him.

Trying not to think of him.

The one who walked away.

The one who said he wouldn't judge me

for my clutter.

Bought me a duster even

I guess that was a parting gift

even as the energy changed between us

and I could feel him slipping away.

Hurts like hell 

having to go thru the motions.

Same old story really

me falling for someone else

someone who all too easy can simply pretend that I don't even exist anymore.

Its tragic

living in this big bad city

feeling so totally alone at times.

How do people do that?

Just pretend someone doesn't exist?

How many others were there before me I wonder?

There might be others now to be honest.

There will come a day when I'm over him

and there won't be any going back.

He was yet another painful failure

a lesson.

I'm not calling anymore

Not staying late after work anymore

playing videogames like I used to do

because I just don't wanna see you anymore man.

I guess I'm not so good at rejection

like I'm not so good with people period.

Feels like you took out a part of me

and I gotta recover the only way I know.

Its gonna take some time.

(Excuse me while I go crawl up under a rock for a little while)

One day it won't hurt so much I promise you.

One day he might look up and see me on tv and wish he'd been more patient with 

this diamond in the rough.

It happens.

Until that day I hope I don't become 

like the same jaded cynical 

untrusting

emotionally distant folks 

who turned me away.

Please GOD don't let me become like that 

because I don't think 

I'm supposed to be that way...

(FIGHT KLUB)

They punched her

another cool person here 

assaulted

attacked by another member 

of the community we serve.

-Changed the video cam recording options too-

(Don't want our dirty laundry coming out?)

Sometimes it feels as if these kids hate us.

Just here 

tryin to do our jobs

trying to keep em safe

but sometimes I swear

the same ones we look after

Sometimes it feels as if they hate us.

Would they 

if they could for one day

walk in our shoes?

Call us

snitches

rent a cops

disrespect us all so much

and I swear I don't understand

why they hate us so much.

Is that the curse of wearing a uniform?

I can barely recognize my community anymore

so angry

so unforgiving

so lost.

Are the community leaders and politicians more concerned with lining those pockets?

Sometimes when I look around at the way things are

I find myself wondering

do they really care about us at all?

Who can teach these kids

a better way of life

a better way to solve the problems

without bawled up fists

drugs

selling the bodies

and all this maddening violence mess?

Is it me?

Confessions of a sad superhero book 91

 Talk about small victories or rather big leaps... 

I dragged myself out of bed to go to a meeting this afternoon. Anxiety be damned. Never mind the fact I was still tripping from the whole"jump ahead one hour". It was a productive meeting with a special effects guy who is also interested in being the director of photography. (I still get that and director roles mixed up to be honest) It feels good to be on track with all the creative energies. I've even been dreaming frequently. This morning I had this crazy sword and sorcery themed dream. No idea why since the new Whitney Houston film was the last thing I watched before going to bed. Also the classical music playing on my radio got infused within my dream to give it a truly angelic soundtrack. I even went to the grocery store when usually I just cave into anxiety and order something from Doordash.I guess that became an addiction since Covid showed up(?) 

Its been like a week since I spoke to Mr. Ninja. I'd called to check up on him as he said he was sick. Honestly I can't really say I know exactly why dude cut off contact with me but I guess its another life lesson for me. His number and contact info is deleted from my phone because I gotta get past this. You can't make someone feel something for you no matter what you do. How you feel. It just has to run its course. The mourning I mean. Sometimes it takes awhile but eventually you get over a person. In time they become a distant memory and life goes on. If the gods are kind maybe someone better comes along for us but basically I find myself moving more away from the concept of a releationship. Honestly I wonder what my life could be if I did explore maybe being more open about dating women. Sometimes I think about that in passing because men are crazy as hell and yeah thats all I gotta say about that.

Speaking of men an old acquaintance of mine from Detroit showed up in my dream. The sword and sorcery one. I reached out to him. Dude has been dealing with alot of shit over the years. Health issues. Bad decisions and family problems. Its safe to say we have fallen out of touch but every now and then I find myself thinking about Detroit. It was a place I'd once considered strongly relocating to. Best to keep those contacts in contact when one is thinking of moving to a new place. Once upon a time I had a crush on this guy. I still think he's hot in his own way but I kept my distance because like some other folks I know it seemed everytime we spoke it was always some crazy dramatic shit going on and he never really took any of my advice. I suspect things got to a point where he was forced to. He actually moved from the city and into suburbia to get away from some of those "dramatic elements" 

There are quite a few people in my life I have not really kept in touch with as life happens and sometimes one can get caught up in the day to day survival...spiritual warfare and contested mental/physical states. Honestly I am making more effort to cherish the relationships and friendships I've never really had to fight for. What I'm saying is that sometimes we overlook the love we already have in our lives trying to fight for people not worth it. It makes me sad sometimes when I think of family and friends I have pushed away or neglected. This is probably something we should think more about as time goes by because...well most of us are on borrowed time. Do any of us really know for sure how much time we have left with friends and family we have taken for granted?

So mentally I've been on the mend. The weird toothache has mostly faded and even though it hasn't been easy I've been able to start saving some money. Getting "Sasquatch" off the ground has been a slow process. A slow somewhat disturbing process. It started before Covid hit then things kinda took a backseat so now everything feels like a relaunch really. Much of the footage we shot is years old and now I'm unsure if I wanna use it or reshoot. Sir Nathan and I are still not on the best of terms so since his character is a major player in the story Ima have to recast him. Seems I keep having to relearn that same lesson about not getting close to the people you work with. Maybe in some cases these things work but so far for me...it hasn't. So yeah I could reshoot everything and just start over again but then that would feel like I wasted all that time and energy you know? Time, energy, and MONEY. Geez how much easier all of this shit would be if I had just ONE loaded investor. And not one who like someone who shall remain nervous who comes onboard and takes over my shit to turn it into something else so far from my vision that I don't even wanna be involved with it. People keep telling me this happens all the time but its not okay you know. I'm just glad to have a job and the option to save and invest my own moolah in my shit. Just means things might take a bit longer than I'd like but it gives me more control and time to fine tune everything. Its a balancing act being patient and staying consistent too. There is definitely some truth also in "striking while the iron is hot" as they say. I keep wondering how much easier it would be to focus on this film or other projects if I didn't have to go to work every day. A part time job or a more calmer nighttime position is also something worth thinking about. One of the persons at my job who helped me get hired is leaving the company after like 20 years I think. I can't help but wonder what her plans are and how that would feel quitting after working for so long and actually having enough moolah saved up to pursue passions without stressing everyday over survival. I'm sure it takes a load off...

Robert Blake died the other day. He is an actor who played a character named "Barretta" in an old tv series. Dude is an Italian guy and he was one of my childhood crushes. Its so weird seeing photos of him at like 90 years. Didn't even know he was that age you know? In my mind I can still see this particular episode where he got under the covers with some lady and she started moaning his name as the screen went black and credits rolled. I mean dude had a nice body and that swagger you know? The things they can get away with on tv huh? I was only about 7 and even as a child I still knew what was going on. Janets breast or Will Smith slapping someone is probably pretty meager compared to some of the stuff the next generations are gonna be seeing on primetime I'm sure. Speaking of tv there were some oscar snubs this year. The Woman King comes to mind. This movie was amazing and to think initially I resisted watching it. What a fool. And yes there was MORE than enough African eye candy to satisfy me. Yeah I still am weak for those African brothers. You best believe if I had the money and a passport... I'll let you finish that sentence. Still before even thinking about maybe dating I gotta get myself in better shape you know. Its mostly just a matter of flattening this stomach. Dunno. Perhaps its something that can be done before the summer. If I can get serious enough about it. Because my place is so cramped I don' t really have the space to work out here. Still deciding where to store all the stuff I started packing up. Storage space is kinda expensive. Gotta look around check out my options you know? 

Its been raining alot lately. Its beeb cold too. No fires which is a great thing. They say we are still in a drought though as strange as that sounds. Russia and Ukraine are still in the news and so are shootings. Sometimes I wish ALL the guns in the world would simply vanish. Disney after 56 years just lost tax privileges in Florida because the governor Santis went after them over some lgbtq issues. Stuff like "Don't say gay" and womens abortion rights appear to be in his crosshairs. How do I feel bout all this? Well I'm old fashioned and really wouldn't want my kids thinking about certain things best left for adults. (Folks over 21) How about spending time being a kid and having all the fun and experiences associated with childhood while not being in a rush to grow up? It is my belief children should if possible be shielded from certain things. Kids are gonna be curious and they will explore yet their innocence is something that should be treasured because in this day and age it fades so quickly. Am I wrong for believing that? And as a member of the lgbtq community, I have no problem with anyone who is trans but at first it was lgbt. Then it became lgbtq+. I'm still conflicted over what some of those letters mean and honestly sometimes I wonder if there are too many letters or agendas that might not necessarily align with all of us in the lgbt community. No disrespect for accomplishments or partnerships yet there are some departments within "my" community" I don't really feel a connection with. We banded together because of similar experiences and theres power in numbers but sometimes I think the lgbtq+ community like some other communities have become bullies or overly sensitive crybabies. I understand the need for vigilance and even paranoia at times because GOD knows sometimes we have a right to be paranoid yet there is some truth that when a person is a superhero long enough so much of the time they become so much like the super villains they fight against. Is that right?I just worry that on our quest to become a more powerful entity we have lost something important along the way. Now I just sound like an old person.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 90

 I did something today I rarely do nowadays. I took the bus home from work. Taking the bus isn't something I don't do. I mean I took the bus home from the dentist the other day. I took it home from the movies Sunday night. Its just that since Covid became a thing in 2020 I like some other folks just got tired of having to deal with riffraff on public transportation so Uber/Lyft became our new lifestyle. Its so damn expensive to keep doing that though and since I am in money saving mode I have to cut back on some things. I may get rid of my Hulu/Disney+ and even Amazon this month and simply keep Netflix. Amazon is great for orders but they started nerfing the selection of music available for Prime so being able to make playlists at work pretty much is dead in the water unless I pay more. Its funny that for like 10 years they provided an exellent free tier. Now CrunchyRoll is limiting how much anime you have access. I mean it is severely limited now so Ima need to get my Naruto fix on somewhere else unless I pay. I do think Netflix has the series now so I gotta check. It hurt to let HBO Max go because I was watching Titans and Star Girl. Right now i am doing a trial of ALLBLK because I'm watching a show called Superstition which features Mario Van Peebles and his family who hunt monsters. Always wanted to watch that series and its always nice to look at handsome brothers. So like I said I am in money saving mode. This has alot to do with my Sasquatch project and also because my last dentist visit came with a shocking revelation regarding some expensive ass procedures I need done. Its all gonna cost $9000.00. That was sobering to tell you the truth. Also I wanna put stuff in storage so I need to figure some things out.

Dealing with mental illness like anxiety and depression is a trip. Taking a walk outside or even going to the store can feel like an epic adventure. Really. I came out of a really dark place recently. I guess I have been coming out of it for awhile. Honestly 2020 didn't help. Losing a sister definitely didn't help. The scary shit at work and how much the world has changed period hasn't helped and then you're expected to just deal with all this shit when you are already over compensating...its like doing the impossible yet we do it. My props to anyone else out there dealing with this shit because it is not a journey for the faint of heart and some of us...many of us don't make it. I made myself get up and go to the movies the other day just like I made myself order a Daniel Winans cd I have been searching for for years. Its the little things you know? Treating yourself. Pampering yourself. Wash your feet. Clean the house. Play a game or some music. Watch a movie, veg out and close your eyes so you can be in the moment...feel the moment. Do something to remind yourself you are still alive and better days could be coming if you hold on. Date yourself even. I know that sounds corny but if it keeps you going do it. Just don't hurt anybody. Delete those big bad phone numbers too. Especially if they are not calling and finally channel your energy towards the deserving. Don't waste your precious time in this life doing otherwise because if you do you are cheating yourself and saying you deserve to be treated badly. You DON'T. Fuck them ho's. Just remember there was a time before when you were happy and it wasn't because of THEM. You can get back there again even if you have to fight for it. Don't sit around waiting for somebody to come save you either. Pain and haters are always gonna show up but in time they eventually fade away. Sometimes you might even need to leave but survive and endure because...because you must find the strength and reason to carry on. Don't be afraid of some solitude either as sometimes there may come a time when you need a break from people and their bullshit. 

The toothache has almost gone away. Still have to be careful with hot/cold liquids. Hot/cold ANYTHING really. Basically it started right around my dentist appointment. Wish I'd taken better care of my teeth. Now I need implants and a root canal. Wanted to go to Mexico as folks say dental stuff is dirt cheap over yonder but things in Mexico are getting crazy now. Its always men and this BS of killing each other and folks getting caught in the crossfire. A family was caught in a gunfight and kidnapped the other day. At least here in LA it seems the gang madness has calmed down. Somebody told me its because those guys are older now and most of them have families. All I can say is THANK GOD. I remember back in 1993 while walking down Sunset some brother was like "What you doing wearing red out here?!?" and I had no idea what he was going on about. So black men kill each other now for wearing shirts? Great. As if I didn't already have enough things to worry about. Cops stopping and profiling me. Getting followed around in stores and folks acting nervous like I want their purses or phones or anything... Crazy racist bastards that want me dead, body shaming gone wild on and off social media then we got homophobic bible thumpers hiding in the shadows trying to manipulate my life...computer hackers out to get my shit fuckers trying to steal my shit. Fuckers chipping away at my self worth and I hear romance might just be a DEAD  dinosaur? Plus the craziness I gotta deal with on the street, on the trains and buses or at work...terrors and worldwide environmental erosion then over here crazy black folks that wanna kill me because of a t-shirt. JUST FUCKING GREAT. 

It is time to take my salmon out of the oven and figure out why this cd won't work. Also I need to respond to the people who responded to my online ad for a special effects person for my film so this is where I leave you. Have a good night. (And if you do decide to go out please make sure to pack your ironman armor, bring your wand or wear your hero(villain?) costume under your clothes because you never know when you're gonna need it)

Confessions of a sad superhero book 89

IMPULSES

(Written to KROQ!)

Resist

Resist the impulses.

The impulse to call you.

Resist the impulse to care.

Push all those feelings aside.

Throw them in the trunk 

Throw them in the trash.

Throw that damn love away because nobody wants it.

Or just take it all in for myself?

Maybe I have been doing that all along in a fashion?

Resist the impulse to scream

Resist the impulse to spill the seed

(because its making me stronger spiritually)

Resist the urges to put myself down

Call myself defective

because parapsychologists say

all along I've had these super powers

no encouragement from society

and very little in the way of training to use them.

A loaded gun and my parents never showed me how to fire it.

Empathy

Unconscious psychokinesis

I am one of those poltergiest people

Tainted by the dark impulses of energy around

I didn't crack though

Not really.

Learned to cope

Read to educate myself

Listened to other paranormals

Watched those videos

And listened to those podcasts.

The games helped hone my skills

Problem solving

Memorization

While scratching my itch to hunt

To fight

And even to a degree how to work with others

All those things you never taught me to do mother and father

But I forgive you because you did the best you could

With what you had.

Because of you I didn't become 

the monster the world tried to create

I became the monster 

With something like a soul.

And if I can resist the darkness

I can certainly resist the

Impulse

To care 

For a man 

or any man 

who walked away.

I resist

Some days are harder than others man

But remember you told me I should

and in those days I feel myself faltering

your words will be fuel for the spaceship I ride away in...

You are after all just another impulse for me to resist.

For better or worse I think I'm getting better at this

okay with this

This resisting of things

people

Not good for me.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 88

 A letter written for he that shall never read it...

Man when I got to spend time with you and got to know you something stirred in me. Feelings that were long buried came to the surface and then...I blew it. I should have been more patient. I should have had it together. I know some of the blame falls on you but I accept some of the responsibility. And while I can't say that I was in love there was a powerful attraction to you. Its crazy because you NEVER gave me the indication you would ever feel as I did. In fact you even warned me a few times not to get too attached. Okay it was more than a few. I don't know what you expect to happen when you tell somebody something like that. And then in the moment of heated passion... In that moment you said. Don't expect it to feel like this the next time. There wasn't gonna be any other time. Did you know that at that moment? I guess I will never know. Because you have cut me off. I tried to reach out to you in some attempt to communicate. Its weird feeling something for someone then fighting to resist it and I think this is easy for you a man who refuses attachment(s) It could be you are suffering from some issues. You said it yourself...we are all broken. In some ways thats probably true. You are so full of secrets man. Some freaky sixth sense is telling me you're not telling me everything and thats fine I guess. We all have our secrets. In the end its none of my business but I'm not gonna keep punishing myself for feeling like I failed in some way. Failed again in another attempt to love the unloveable. Well unloveable to me as you never wanted it. What I have may never be enough for some no matter how rich, famous or physically desirable I become. You are the impossible dream I must let go thus I release you to go to that place all dreams that must die must are laid to rest for all eternity. In truth I never had a chance with you. I made the same mistake I made before falling for a co-worker. That was bad enough yet what was worse was how much energy I wasted. Wasted energy just like that Alicia Keys song. I really wish I could go back in time and un-meet you and every man who wasted or turned away this turning me into this...a hollow shell of who I used to be. Someone enthusiastic about love and relationships and now the only fleeting joy I experience is at my own hands. I fight not to give up even though so much of me has. I think at times I am trapped in a world where everyone else has forsaken the real concept of a relationship. Nobody wants to put in the work and social media makes it so easy to move on to the next when there could be a diamond in the rough that could use some polishing. Nobody wants to stick around for that. So we lust after perfection. Glistening muscular internet warriors with their shirtless Instagram profiles. (I wonder how many are straight or how many are gay for pay?) Some of us look for perfection and I think subconsciously we know we're not gonna find it. Its just another cmplex way of running from something. Tell me I'm crazy. Tell me I think too much or that my ambitions are unrealistic but the truth is I am the artsy mind that someone like you could never understand or be worthy of. I scare you. Just as I fascinate you. I never had a chance with you. I wasn't enough. Smart enough. Normal enough. Low key enough? Hell maybe I wasn't the right race for you. Don't think that hasn't crossed my mind. All I can do is speculate as you have told me NOTHING. I was cut off. This I promise you I am done speculating because I've gone to the valley of the uncaring. In my mind I can see us meeting up briefly in some years and there will be a hello. Perhaps a brief glance as minds wonder what could have been. I am setting you free. This is me rolling up my feelings and throwing them in a wastebasket never to be seen again. From now on I won't waste my feelings on the undeserving. I do not hate you or harbor any ill will to you. The only thing I wish is that you just stop dating period until you are ready for someone good because you will attract them and your rejection might just make a good soul turn their back on love as you'd be the proverbial straw to break the camels back. I won't be that camel. And you...well hopefully you won't be 100 years old when you decide to let someone love you because its finally "convenient" Obviously we were not meant to be and you were a lesson. Perhaps we both were lessons for each other. Goodbye Mr. Ninja man of many secrets. May you find some semblance of happiness in this life and spread light not darkness because we already have more than enough of that.