Confessions of a sad superhero book 111

(To Chilled Hip-Hop And Neo-Soul Mix #10 on Youtube)

Mr. No Drive:

Where is the desire

for me?

Where is the desire for anyone?

He has no desire in him.

No Drive.

Needs those boosts

to get the drive

Needs those testosterone injections

otherwise he ain't missing nobody.

Ain't thinkin or carin about nobody.

I couldn't help but wonder 

how did this happen 

or was it always like this?

Never got answers

because he didn't hang around long enough...

Formerly Mr. Now Presently Miss:

I cried 

like I'd never cried before 

when I found out what he did.

Went under the knife

wasn't happy with how he looked

wasn't happy being the beautiful man

that he was.

Went to the doctors

got it all chopped off

got him some breastesses

got himself pumped full of them hormones

estrogen overruling ALL the masculinity

all the hard feeling musculature

the sweet aromas of manhood

that silky deep voice

all stripped away 

to be discarded 

flushed down some toilet

or dumped out back 

in some black biohazard-labeled bags.

He's got the higher voice now

fuller lips

longer hair

and long funky curvy nails with diamonds in them

while somewhere in heaven 

angels are crying 

God is crying 

all along with me

at the lost manchild

who would punish us 

for remembering/mourning who he was

by running away from us.

Its like he died twice.

I can't even look at the photos in my ipad

Its too painful

Seems so surreal

that we all have to accept

That beautiful man 

is gone.

Someone Inside:

He came from the dark

climbed from the pit like Bruce Wayne

fought through the crowds of mutated people

swung over some monsters too

and then he retreated to his cave.

He stayed in that cave

hair growing long

clutter and dishes piling up

all the while he was planning to go back out 

he was dreading going back out

dreading thoughts of rejections

dreading a painful past

tormented by nightmares of being in school

tormented by nightmares of bullies.

His mind is traumatized so much he wonders

If or when 

he can ever recover enough 

to go back out in the light 

to face the troublesome world again.

Hugs and kind words seem so far away now

replaced by so many violent memories

from this life and so many others

He wonders just what he's become

holding on the someone still inside

that little sliver of humanity

Not quite a soul

Something like soul

A kitten in the jungle.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 110

 You ever wish you could go back in time to stop yourself from doing something or maybe meeting someone? Yeah. Thats where I'm at. 

I was thinking of incorporating something interesting in one of my stories featuring DragonManx. DragonManx the character I play in my webseries has something in common with me. We both have a strong sense of smell. Usually good hearing too. In that way we are both like animals who possess senses sharper than most. I have always had good hearing even though I think I may have damaged my hearing over the years as a result of the fallout between me and certain neighbors. Anyhow in my story I was gonna address an issue Dragonmanx would have being able to smell when someone is transgendered. After all men and women smell different and everyone has a unique scent. One of my co-workers who is trans got into a conversation with me about how her wife had issues with her smelling different after she became trans. I say all this to say I realize over the last few months I've been going through some kind of withdrawal. When I was intimate with a certain person from my job there was not just an exchange of energy but there was something pheromonal that happened. Obviously not with him but with me it was like being torn apart being away from him. It wasn't because he was special. He wasn't superhot. He and I didn't even really have a logical reason being intimate it was just that on a chemical level that wild animal inside of me could smell he was prime mating material and when this chemical thing happens well that can make a person irresistible to someone else because of that powerful mojo. I have said this before that I suspect why some folks get all psycho when they break up with someone else. People really don't know he power they have over others. Then again some most certainly do KNOW. Perhaps they even weaponize it. Use it to get what they want. Its quite sad that we both don't feel the same strong connection. I guess we'd find a way to be together no matter what. Perhaps this is the secret behind long term relationships which seem to be a rare thing of the past these days. Why? Probably environmental issues. Chemicals or things we put in our bodies. Stuff we are exposed to I guess. I write this because I suspect oneday someone might actually find themselves in a bind and searching for a solution on how to beat this thing because it makes no sense being crazy about someone who doesn't feel the same way. Its dangerous too because it can make you sick. The withdrawal. Nevermind the fact they don't feel the same way because there is nothing you can do to change that. NOTHING. Just find something that you love. Maybe more than one thing. Find this and hold on to it. Chase it with all your might and even obsess over it. In time your mind and body will gradually bring itself back to the old you again. And no I'm not saying go out and find someone else. I mean I didn't. But that was largely because it put the fear of God in me knowing someone could have that much power over me. Honestly as alluring as that sometimes felt I don't know if I can afford to go back there again. It is one of the most painful things I have ever felt having to walk away from something I wanted so bad. But these situations actually can help you out because if the other person doesn't feel anything they are helping you by staying away. It does build up your resolve over time. So if they really did want to hurt you or maybe even manipulate your vulnerable state the thing to do would be the opposite of NOT calling you. Irony I know. Just...don't pick up the phone if they call and under no circumstances do you call them because well that makes you look like a punk. Chase your dreams and make them reality. Take the plunge. Be a risk taker. Be a dog (or cat) dad if you must yet you must fight the power and break the spell. Remember that there was something you loved before "they" came along and now is the time to give your energy to something that can actually change your way of life for the better. Talk about it. Maybe even get support from a group or a doctor but don't look back. After all you know where that path leads to right?

Confessions of a sad superhero book 109

 I was just sitting here watching Guy Ritchie's The Covenant. Theres a scene where Dar Salim the interpreter is pushing Jake Gyllenhaals character up this hill and really going through it because its such a rough climb. I thought to myself "Damn it would be awesome to have a friend like that" I mean in my life there have been some incredible people who have gone out of their way to help me but THAT kind of love and devotion...I guess its something that can rekindle faith in the human race. (I read that some of these interpreters were abandoned by the military after the US pulled out of Afghan and that gave me an idea for a story...)

Yesterday I really went in on a cute guy (I wish he lived in the US) on Facebook from Africa who tends to post stuff where he sounds like he wants to end his life or he is overwhelmed with misery over some shit going on. Thing is he has been doing this for years. Its not like I am insensitive or anything because I understand what its like to be in pain and sometimes it feels like one is trapped until you take a look around at some of the terrible things others might be going through. Yet they still find a way to keep going on right? I wasn't happy in North Carolina so I left after saving up a little bit of money when the time was right. There just comes a time when you gotta get the hell up out of dodge and I told homeboy that. Stop complaining and just find a way to get out of there. There was another fellow I used to talk to alot on Facebook from Alabama. He's had some rough luck and is now having to live in a bad environment with family. Its kinda depressing talking with him because he keeps complaining as he's done for years about his situation and I have told him to leave. Even told him to come to Cali. I have no problem letting someone stay here for awhile as they get themselves together. I mean people have done that for me right? Still he just won't take the initiative so I basically stopped talking to him. Was that wrong?

It is gay pride month but things feel different this year. I say that because it seems some of our allies (just as I saw with BLM) are getting tired of some of the BS associated with our movement. Rather its the bad apples. The loud and irrational always asking for more MORE more and at times doing too much and you know what I mean. This is pretty sad because in some ways much of the work that has been done to generate goodwill from heterosexual folks over the years has been shat upon by the recent actions of some folks who don't understand that sometimes one can go too far with the asking. The lgbt community have become bullies. Its unfortunate that those of us who may not necessarily adhere to some beliefs or practices within the community risk losing support from our allies as well as attempts from our communities when we speak up about certain things. Something worth thinking about.... 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 108

Update on the "Mr. Ninja" situation. So I sent homeboy a text. The text was saying since I have a three day weekend I was interested in meeting up to talk and if he didn't want to to or couldn't that was fine and then I said going forward I think it best we keep things on a strictly friendship level. I also said I think on this we can agree. He texted back saying that sounds good and that he was gonna be out of town. 

I felt like I had let go of some weight or something because now I have no expectations from this man. Truthfully he's been letting me know he wasn't available for a good while yet I was holding on to hope of something I just hadn't come to accept could never be so now as I sat here watching a Tina Turner documentary I could totally relate to being in a situation of feeling completely free after walking away from a painful situation. Like Depeche Mode said this was/is a pain that I'm used to and it doesn't have to be the new normal...being in a situation where the pain is so bad you yet you just take it feeling like you can't get out but you can really just walk away from anything once you get to that point where you are just not gonna take it anymore. I don't really know what happens now but maybe...maybe I shouldn't let broken unworthy people shut myself off from daring to let myself date. When I'm ready. When I'm ready.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 107

 (Listening to City Nights Vol 2 on Youtube)

Spoke to my therapist yesterday. I was up later than usual (Trouble sleeping) really kinda bummed out because a certain person at work made it official he likely isn't interested in any kind of social interaction with me. (Had a crazy dream of being at my Grandma's house and there was a small bear inside which made me and other folks worried Mamma Bear might be somewhere nearby so we wouldn't go inside the house! Too many bear attack video viewing on Youtube...) This individual at work is someone I said I would never write about again because of how broke up I was over him "just not being that into me" maybe a month or two ago. Its strange because even though it hurt when he didn't have much to say to me yesterday and rushed away from me afetr a few words. It was as if I had some horrible disease when I spoke to him...well honestly I've mostly accepted he's a lost cause...for me anyway. I don't know if he's mad at me because I didn't wanna do dinner last weekend. Seems to draw away if I start getting in my feelings? We were supposed to go stay at a hotel (something in the planning for weeks) but dude cancelled saying he wasn't feeling up to it since he was dealing with pain from a medical procedure. He tried to get me to do dinner instead but I felt there was something else going on and its already irritating enough trying to plan stuff when much of the time he has plans with someone else if I throw out a date. I literally have to "book" him weeks in advance. Why not just tell me he's seeing someone else? Then at least I'd know not to waste my time. As it is theres alot of confusion going on in my head and too much in the way of mixed signals. It might be too late to try and have a conversation. I don't even know if its worth it at this point. I'd feel like a fool letting myself seem so vulnerable pretty much knowing the outcome... Okay...did I just psycho-analyze myself?

Yesterday I was already tired and frustrated over some stuff at work that irritated me earlier so maybe this was the proverbial straw as they say. Its something when people treat a good person who likes them badly and I find myself wondering how would they treat an enemy. Yesterday I was a bundle of emotions and as I told my therapist it is time to start looking for another job as I am simply not happy here anymore. Too many security issues and favoritism...clan-ish behaviors and politics plus this shit with homeboy and its all just a bit much for my spirit. My mental health. Plus staring at this computer screen all night...ugh. My poor eyes. The plan was to stay here till at least March of next year, save as much money as possible, and complete the film which is probably gonna be an animated project now but I don't think I can do that. Too much ish going on. My therapist told me something really cool has happened since the last time we spoke months ago. She is 3 months pregnant. She talked about the morning sickness and mentioned this is a high risk pregnancy. I didn't try to pry for details and I am so happy for her. I am happy for anyone who has managed to connect on such a deep level with another person. Guess this should give me some hope for myself but it feels like I need to be something I'm not to make these guys out here happy. In all honesty the writing seems to be on the wall Ima need to leave Cali and possibly the US to find anyone compatible. We talked about my projects and how they've been true life rafts for me.  These super powers and the grace given me by my higher power keep me going. Everyday I see the signs that I am not alone. Shadows...walls creaking...a slight caress on my back during difficult moments...flickering lights among other things...its comforting in its own way if that makes any sense. And NO I do not talk to many about this stuff for obvious reasons. More than most Sergio Willis knows we are NOT alone. Anyway I know I have said this before but I gotta take a break from dating. It would be nice to have a sex partner for sure but I cannot risk letting myself get too attached to anyone right now as I need all my focus to be on making my art not to mention improving my way of life. If its meant to be it'll happen. If not I'll be okay. After all I was okay before. Time to put energy into the things that really matter.

Was on Amazon looking at some roller blades earlier. Used to get up early and go roller blading when I lived in Long Beach years ago and its gradually begun to creep back into my mind. Thing is I couldn't really find the roller blades I wanted. Looking for something outdoorsy in the color green you know? Woulda been cool to go blading this Memorial Day weekend. When I take time off for my birthday in August it'll possibly happen. Wanna go during the week at a time when its not too many folks on the beach. Gotta get back into simply enjoying doing things by myself. Sorta considering looking for a new hangout buddy but basically I'm kinda skittish on it. Still joining a gym will certainly be something I seek out a partner for. This will happen sooner than later. Really just wanna get the stomach flatter. Get more toned. My diet has been excluding pork, beef and pretty much chicken. Been trying to stick with veggies and seafood but I definitely need to find an alternative to Doordash and Uber Eats cuz that shit is EXPENSIVE. Taking Uber and Lyft everyday is getting costly too but that is another conversation for another time since a brotha is about to go on a 15 min break. Yep, I still bring my gaming stuff to work for breaks. Only now I make sure to lock the damn door to that conference room so some hooligan won't be able to jack my sheeeeit. Takes a real fucked up individual to steal from another fucked up individual the very things that help keep him/her from being even more fucked up and thats fucked up.

Speaking of fucked up the Microsoft acquisition is still facing an uphill battle but against all odds its starting to look as if it might actually go through since only the FTC, Sony and the CMA want to block it. A gang of countries and companies want this deal to happen. The court just threw out an attempt by some gamers to sue Microsoft over the deal. People keep saying Microsoft will have too much power and Sony says this could hurt them in such a way that they would not be able to compete if Microsoft gets ownership of Call Of Duty. However it is my belief Microsoft can help Call Of Duty recover some of its lost glory as the title just isn't as fresh or innovative anymore. Microsoft wants to make COD and all the other Activision games available to all platforms as well as provide access to games via cloud distribution which eliminates the need for actual hardware since everything is coming thru the internet. Speaking of hardware there is a new PC-type handheld coming out in about a week from Asus that boasts plenty of power. Since Covid the game market has seen a flood of PC-type handhelds. These systems run rings around the Nintendo Switch but this is still a niche market since most people don't know shit about computers or computer gaming which is awesome in so many ways besides the FREE online aspect of it all or the availability of numerous FREE games plus theres also the emulation factor. As it currently stands PC gamers tend to be on a higher plateau of consciousness. Yeah I said that. We game on high-tech stuff that we can work on and tinker with to our hearts content. If you go out and buy a GOOD computer you could conceivably keep it forever as long as the parts are available for upgrades. 85% of the time they are. Console gamers however have to buy a new console every 6-10 years to keep up with evolving tech. Meanwhile computer parts are usually very cheap to be had if you do your homework. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 106

 Yesterday the world lost yet another icon. Tina Turner (AKA: Anna Mae Bullock) passed away at the age of 83. She was that rare miracle in showbiz because although she had some fame her career really skyrocketed after she walked away from an abusive relationship with only 36 cents in her pocket. I remember that summer in 1984. I was in Canada for summer vacation with my family and visiting my uncle Junior. That song "Whats Love Got To Do With It" was in heavy rotation on the radio and one of my relatives played it alot. I think we also went to the movies to see Ghostbusters that summer too. I ended up getting a cassette of the album and wore it out especially during a trip back east to visit my father the following Summer. My favorite Tina Turner song was a toss up between Lets stay together and Better be good to me. Or maybe it was Whats love got to do with it at some point? I recall watching her concert on HBO. There was also a wild Saturday Night Live appearance related to a Wrestlemania event. Then the Mad Max movie came out and then the movie with Angela Bassett. Angela said Tina took her shopping and it helped he prepare for the role as she got to know Tina. Some months ago I bought a Tina Turner documentary on my Xbox and I started watching it but just like the Janet Jackson docufilm on Hulu I need to go back and finish it. I'm gonna miss The Queen. Just finished listening to some of her music on Iheart Radio and it really took me back to when life seemed so much simpler than it is now. We didn't have to worry about school shooters. Terrorist attacks were rare. Gone are the days one could actually leave the house doors open and go to sleep without worrying about somebody coming in for robberies and home invasions. Thats the endearing power of music. When you hear it it can transport you back in time and I sometimes wonder if the secret of time travel lies in our memories. If thoughts are energy and we are energy well it does make sense this could be key to us being able to move from the present to the past.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 105

Well, my vacation came and went in a flash and I didn't do anything basically. Just chilled in the house. Did my laundry. Ordered some Doordash. Watched some movies. Played some games. Called my father because I heard my uncle Larry passed away from alcohol related issues. He was one of the "cool" uncles. Had the nice cars and I don't think I ever saw him in a bad mood. (Why do some of my uncles remind me of the Ojays?) Was supposed to be in Detroit for their Comic Con but since Mel's mom is bad off he is on standby at the ready to jump up and fly to Orange County when/if he gets THAT call. I postponed my trip.  Hopefully, she will pull through. In the meantime I'm gonna start setting aside money to make the trip in 2024. Oh yeah, speaking of Orange County and its vicinity "someone" at an Irvine amusement park was attempting (Boomers) was attempting to gain access to my videogame account associated with my console that was stolen along with my laptop over a week ago. What a crazy world we live in. I'm sure this was the same POS responsible for my Spotify music selection constantly changing as I listened to music the other day. I can't believe this is the second time this shit has happened to me. Why do people keep taking stuff from me? Well whoever THEY are they're gonna discover that Steam Deck console is a brick for them unless they are able to create an account assuming Valve hasn't locked the machine. I guess they can do that. It probably won't happen but the cops can actually ask Valve to help them track the device as it would need to connect to a satellite or servers to go online. Everything that is digital and connecting to the web leaves a digital footprint. So it was just dumb to steal my laptop and console. It blows my mind that anyone would want to take something personal that belongs to someone else. I mean you are possibly exposing yourself to all kinds of germs. I could be some crazy person with a gun who could have walked in on them taking it. Also, you're gonna do jail time if caught. Is it worth it? I guess so if you are s junkie/crackhead or a klepto. Probably sold my shit right away I imagine. The job said they are not responsible for people's belongings getting stolen. I already replaced everything because these sources of entertainment keep me from becoming a serial killer because of all the shit and trifling folks I deal with in life. I'm scheduled to have a session with my shrink later this week by the way. She is going to really get an earful because so much has happened since the last time we talk. I imagine she is gonna ask me why the hell am I still working at this place after what I just went through. I'm still working here because in a few months, we start production on a short to promote my film and I need the money also for some imminent dental work. On top of that Ima need to start putting stuff in storage and I need to have my PS4 repaired next month. In June I'll be cutting back drastically on spending and will only make non-luxury purchases going forward. No that doesn't mean I'm giving up Netflix, Disney+ with Hulu, and Amazon Prime. These along with coffee are also things that help keep me from turning into a serial killer.

The good Captain posted a photo on social media with him and a woman he has decided to pursue. I guess he must really love her because he never posted any photos of us together. So my instincts were right. I mean to say I knew he was seeing someone else or a few someone elses and Mr. Ninja probably is too. It would be so easy to simply admit these things but I remember someone telling me years ago that when I asked them why they never told me they were seeing someone it was none of my business. I guess ultimately that is true. I mean if I'm not important to you it makes sense you would feel no obligation to tell me anything. It does sting when you understand someone you probably love thinks of you as next to nothing but in the end I think it makes it easier to wean yourself of said individual unless you are okay with someone treating you like shit and only having you as a side option and not a priority. Every time it seems I ask Mr. Ninja to do something with me I have to book him weeks in advance as its likely he has already set up a social event with someone else.I have said this before but I seriously think something is wrong with most gay/bi men when it comes to working on a commitment. I suspect many of us are so used to sneaking around we lack the maturity until much later in life to sustain a healthy romantic type relationship. Trying to find a black man with who I am equally yoked might not happen without the usage of some sort of witchcraft. Dwelling upon this can be depressing and no I'm not getting a dog/cat. I think this is something I'll consider if I find someone to help me raise them. It is my belief too many folks are getting animals to replace human companionship. I do love the furbabies but I don't feel its natural to be around them exclusively. But thats just me. 

Meeting up with Mr. Thurgood this coming Memorial Day weekend to discuss Nerds With Badge's next installment as well as our next move for Sasquatch. So far I am having an artist do some character profiles for me. Another artist (in Brazil I think) is doing storyboards yet Ima need to replace him because he is taking too long and I suspect he may not completely understand the proper way to do storyboards. Could be a language barrier to a degree. I dunno. Gotta work on finding a cabin to film our short in too. The short will function as a trailer or commercial to court would be investors. Plus we will use it in our crowdfunding campaign. I estimate the short can be done for 3 grand. This will act a s a lightning rod to entice folks to give us money to shoot what we really want which incidentally will be the rest of the story. The script is done yet I am considering skipping the whole short film or web series approach I'd initially planned and just going full steam ahead with a full length film. The only thing worrying me is how much money such a big production could cost. Now if we went the animated route..well that would make many more things possible we could do not to mention it would save us alot of moolah. Why did that just now occur to me? There are so many cool stories I'd love to tell about "The Squatch" and a film or ongoing series would be soooo much easier to pull off in animated form...