(Listening to City Nights Vol 2 on Youtube)
Spoke to my therapist yesterday. I was up later than usual (Trouble sleeping) really kinda bummed out because a certain person at work made it official he likely isn't interested in any kind of social interaction with me. (Had a crazy dream of being at my Grandma's house and there was a small bear inside which made me and other folks worried Mamma Bear might be somewhere nearby so we wouldn't go inside the house! Too many bear attack video viewing on Youtube...) This individual at work is someone I said I would never write about again because of how broke up I was over him "just not being that into me" maybe a month or two ago. Its strange because even though it hurt when he didn't have much to say to me yesterday and rushed away from me afetr a few words. It was as if I had some horrible disease when I spoke to him...well honestly I've mostly accepted he's a lost cause...for me anyway. I don't know if he's mad at me because I didn't wanna do dinner last weekend. Seems to draw away if I start getting in my feelings? We were supposed to go stay at a hotel (something in the planning for weeks) but dude cancelled saying he wasn't feeling up to it since he was dealing with pain from a medical procedure. He tried to get me to do dinner instead but I felt there was something else going on and its already irritating enough trying to plan stuff when much of the time he has plans with someone else if I throw out a date. I literally have to "book" him weeks in advance. Why not just tell me he's seeing someone else? Then at least I'd know not to waste my time. As it is theres alot of confusion going on in my head and too much in the way of mixed signals. It might be too late to try and have a conversation. I don't even know if its worth it at this point. I'd feel like a fool letting myself seem so vulnerable pretty much knowing the outcome... Okay...did I just psycho-analyze myself?
Yesterday I was already tired and frustrated over some stuff at work that irritated me earlier so maybe this was the proverbial straw as they say. Its something when people treat a good person who likes them badly and I find myself wondering how would they treat an enemy. Yesterday I was a bundle of emotions and as I told my therapist it is time to start looking for another job as I am simply not happy here anymore. Too many security issues and favoritism...clan-ish behaviors and politics plus this shit with homeboy and its all just a bit much for my spirit. My mental health. Plus staring at this computer screen all night...ugh. My poor eyes. The plan was to stay here till at least March of next year, save as much money as possible, and complete the film which is probably gonna be an animated project now but I don't think I can do that. Too much ish going on. My therapist told me something really cool has happened since the last time we spoke months ago. She is 3 months pregnant. She talked about the morning sickness and mentioned this is a high risk pregnancy. I didn't try to pry for details and I am so happy for her. I am happy for anyone who has managed to connect on such a deep level with another person. Guess this should give me some hope for myself but it feels like I need to be something I'm not to make these guys out here happy. In all honesty the writing seems to be on the wall Ima need to leave Cali and possibly the US to find anyone compatible. We talked about my projects and how they've been true life rafts for me. These super powers and the grace given me by my higher power keep me going. Everyday I see the signs that I am not alone. Shadows...walls creaking...a slight caress on my back during difficult moments...flickering lights among other things...its comforting in its own way if that makes any sense. And NO I do not talk to many about this stuff for obvious reasons. More than most Sergio Willis knows we are NOT alone. Anyway I know I have said this before but I gotta take a break from dating. It would be nice to have a sex partner for sure but I cannot risk letting myself get too attached to anyone right now as I need all my focus to be on making my art not to mention improving my way of life. If its meant to be it'll happen. If not I'll be okay. After all I was okay before. Time to put energy into the things that really matter.
Was on Amazon looking at some roller blades earlier. Used to get up early and go roller blading when I lived in Long Beach years ago and its gradually begun to creep back into my mind. Thing is I couldn't really find the roller blades I wanted. Looking for something outdoorsy in the color green you know? Woulda been cool to go blading this Memorial Day weekend. When I take time off for my birthday in August it'll possibly happen. Wanna go during the week at a time when its not too many folks on the beach. Gotta get back into simply enjoying doing things by myself. Sorta considering looking for a new hangout buddy but basically I'm kinda skittish on it. Still joining a gym will certainly be something I seek out a partner for. This will happen sooner than later. Really just wanna get the stomach flatter. Get more toned. My diet has been excluding pork, beef and pretty much chicken. Been trying to stick with veggies and seafood but I definitely need to find an alternative to Doordash and Uber Eats cuz that shit is EXPENSIVE. Taking Uber and Lyft everyday is getting costly too but that is another conversation for another time since a brotha is about to go on a 15 min break. Yep, I still bring my gaming stuff to work for breaks. Only now I make sure to lock the damn door to that conference room so some hooligan won't be able to jack my sheeeeit. Takes a real fucked up individual to steal from another fucked up individual the very things that help keep him/her from being even more fucked up and thats fucked up.
Speaking of fucked up the Microsoft acquisition is still facing an uphill battle but against all odds its starting to look as if it might actually go through since only the FTC, Sony and the CMA want to block it. A gang of countries and companies want this deal to happen. The court just threw out an attempt by some gamers to sue Microsoft over the deal. People keep saying Microsoft will have too much power and Sony says this could hurt them in such a way that they would not be able to compete if Microsoft gets ownership of Call Of Duty. However it is my belief Microsoft can help Call Of Duty recover some of its lost glory as the title just isn't as fresh or innovative anymore. Microsoft wants to make COD and all the other Activision games available to all platforms as well as provide access to games via cloud distribution which eliminates the need for actual hardware since everything is coming thru the internet. Speaking of hardware there is a new PC-type handheld coming out in about a week from Asus that boasts plenty of power. Since Covid the game market has seen a flood of PC-type handhelds. These systems run rings around the Nintendo Switch but this is still a niche market since most people don't know shit about computers or computer gaming which is awesome in so many ways besides the FREE online aspect of it all or the availability of numerous FREE games plus theres also the emulation factor. As it currently stands PC gamers tend to be on a higher plateau of consciousness. Yeah I said that. We game on high-tech stuff that we can work on and tinker with to our hearts content. If you go out and buy a GOOD computer you could conceivably keep it forever as long as the parts are available for upgrades. 85% of the time they are. Console gamers however have to buy a new console every 6-10 years to keep up with evolving tech. Meanwhile computer parts are usually very cheap to be had if you do your homework.
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