"SURVIVING LOS ANGELES"
PART 1.
Been dreaming again. They are becoming more vivid and its appropriate since my creative juices are re-igniting after a lull. I was in a pretty dark place over the last few months and it really took me awhile to bounce back. A broken heart can do that to you. For some of us who are more emotional and feel everything to a higher degree these things can be dangerous. I was sick. I was depressed and just filled with so much pain and rage over letting myself get into that particular situation. I made alot of mistakes and I do wish I could go back and unmake the past three months but I cannot so therefore I must fight the pain and continue onward. Life isn't always sunny and happy. Sometimes you go thru the most horrifying of torment and eventually you come out of it. Well it certainly helps when you look around at the world and realize how blessed you are because we can forget things can always be worse. Some people out there are going thru some shit that makes my life seem like paradise. This does not escape me. I think its safe to say anyone who is going thru a tough time and things seem too much take a look around at what other people are going thru because it will certainly help you put things in a different perspective. Even if you have some sort of mental disorder you gotta recognize some people are dealing with the absolute unthinkable yet they still go on in this world. Some of the stress I have been dealing with is coming from my job too. We had a lunatic woman here yesterday who kept banging on the door and harassing anyone who crossed her path. It was a truly disturbing situation made even more complex since the police were not really helpful until things started becoming dangerous for anyone who worked or lived in the building. She actually physically assaulted a few people plus she kept trying to come inside. Hell, she even managed to get in a few times. We deal with alot here. I was talking with a Lyft driver the other day about some of the stuff i have experienced and it really hit me we go thru ALOT of stress at this workplace. So its no wonder I think about quitting like every waking moment. It is getting close to that time. Putting dating on the back burner is definitely gonna insulate me from BS but I think its safe to say my nerves need a more peaceful environment so they can properly heal from all the...stuff. Videogames and other entertainment have helped keep me afloat plus focusing on the Sasquatch film project has guided me out of the funk. As we get deeper into pre-production its gotten harder for me to focus on BS. I have said this before but filmmaking is not for the faint of heart. Right now I getting some storyboards made. I think the artist lives outside the US which is probably why I was able to get him for a great price. The currency exchange rate makes many things possible businesswise when working with folks outside the US. I've already dropped a grip of cash for a crowdfunding video we are doing to raise funds for the film. On top of that I gotta get some character designs done. That will probably be done by the cartoonist who did me animated project "Detector Pig" years ago. Lurking in the shadows is a root canal which is scheduled to go down in a couple of weeks. Theres rarely ever a dull moment in my life...
PART 2.
An associate wants me to film him at some fashion show in Oct. I do like taking photos and I think I'm pretty good at it actually. Could be a cool way to make some extra moolah so I told him yes. I am not 100 percent sure though because I have some trips in mind for later this year. Also I have asked dude several times to help me out on projects and he refused. He also refused to come to Universal with me even though I told him it was on me. Yeah, I know its the "gay thing" that makes some straight guys act peculiar at times. They are uncertain of our intent and I can acknowledge many gay men are a hot nefarious mess and will try to sleep with any man with or without two legs who dares to cross their path. So much of the time I look around and see some of the messed up shit others in the lgbt community subscribe to and it sickens me. It has certainly shifted my views towards a more conservative slant over the last 10 or so years I'll tell you that... So yeah I understand why so many heteros HATE us. Some of us are something else. Not all of us. But others. Whooh! Honestly though there does seem to be a strong feeling of general distrust in the air. The last few years have been pretty out there. Covid. George Floyd. Insurrections and wars. Shootings are still a thing. Just the other day some guy in Texas shot up a family and there was a school shooting also the other day. Others have happened and one of my co-workers was like "Its like you can't even walk down the street anymore" Ever since this pandemic, there has been a heaviness in the air. Its a gloomy fog that has nver really left. I mean we are still wearing masks and ridesharing is still not doing any ridesharing. (Some of us were paranoid about germs before this shit but thats a whole other converstion...)
PART 3.
5.5.2023
I guess a co-worker is hearing the call of the wild because he just got back after taking some classes so he can get certified for another job. I always try to encourage him because he is good with electronics and videogame related stuff. He's modded some things for me over the years. He doesn't really listen to me though. I mean you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink it. I could work in the videogame industry too I suppose and its certainly time to be looking for a safer saner line of work. The pay here is good and the benefits are dynamite but the areas gotten too crazy. The police seem so limited or not caring when it comes to helping us with these situations which would definitely lessen if a gate were to be erected around the property yet they won't do that. So I'm saving money and focusing on getting my projects done because I'm not planning to stick around here for much longer. My goal is to stick it out till March at least because I don't wanna quit without enough money set aside to tide me over until I get more cashflow coming in. Honestly I dunno...maybe I should consider going to another company even if the pay is lower and the benefits are not so great if its gonna give me a better work environment and peace of mind. My rent isn't high and I don't need alot of money. I think what I really need right now is a change of scenery. Sometimes to get the things you want you have to give up something you have. Anyway, yesterday that certain person I said I wasn't gonna write about who broke my heart came in to work, and when he saw me in one of the rooms here on my computer he came over to spent a few moments with friendly chatting. He seemed different. Well, there seemed to be a kind of glow about him. Was it all in my mind or is somebody getting laid on the regular? Well somebody is taking care of his needs and I guess I'm happy even if its not me. Wasn't meant to be you know. A wise person once said you can't always get what you want. I just am of the mind right now the love of my life is supposed to be my work (Maybe its always been that way) and I have so much catching up to do because I have been neglecting the things that really should be most important to me. Yeah, I am one of those people. I can't bring back lost time but I can work on making up for it while the people I love are still here. As far as my Sasquatch project goes I have hired someone to do storyboards for the film and I hired another artist to do some full body illustrations for me. I'm saving money because the storyboard artist is in another country so due to the currency exchange rate he is willing to work with me on payments. Like I paid $250.00 for thar storyboards and once it was changed to his currency it became almost $500.00. This is why so many people do business outside of the US. The artist doing my illustrations has known me for years and did a cartoon for me a while back so he is willing to give me a great deal. Meanwhile I paid the guy who will be directing the film $500.00 to work with me on a crowdfunding video we will probably shoot in a few weeks. I just need to sit down and get to work on some concepts because all my past crowdfunding efforts fell flat. Who knew it wasn't gonna be easy to get people to give you money? So I am making some power moves. It may be slowly but surely I'll get to where I wanna be.
PART 4.
5.6.2023
"The Evil That Men/Women Do"
A lady who works here at my job that I had a falling out with came into the lobby playing (blasting!) "Backstabbers" by the Ojays. I know she did it on purpose because the song was just starting when she got out of the elevator.
PART 5.
5.10.2023
Its really getting crazy here in the US with all the shootings that keep happening here. Sunday there was a shooting in Texas at a shopping mall. This was a 30-something-year-old man of Hispanic origins. He apparently harbored some racist ideologies. It is strange but racist tensions between hispanics and black people are not a new thing. There is a far right group called the proud boys and they have been responsible for some violent racist type activities. One of their leaders who is Afro Cuban did some time for burning a Black Lives banner. Of course he's incredibly handsome. Probably could have any woman or man he wants yet this person seems to have this passion inside them for igniting the flames of racial division. I'm starting to wonder if the best thing that could happen for American black folks is for the US government to give us all a one-way ticket to Africa so we can just be away from all this BS. All the racial profiling and uneven playing field held by those unwilling to share the wealth. There is literally enough money and resources to wipe out poverty in the US but it just doesn't happen. And in regards to Africa...well I hear they don't exactly love gay folks over there so theres that.
Why is it that in this crazy insane world people focus so much on doing things to make life more difficult for others instead of dealing with their own issues? I think its a way of running from stuff. There are some other possibilities too. Someone could be making these shooters do these things. Telepathic suggestion? Blackmail or demonic possession? An insane mind that has lost all connection to reality or rationality? Or perhaps this is a perfectly sane mind grasping at one last grand yet ridiculous attempt at recognition. That might actually be the most disturbing possibility. One thing for certain is that all of these shootings were not really happening years ago when I was pre-teen. Something has definitely changed in society that has driven this newer generation towards such extremes and we need to figure out where we went wrong before a wannabe shooter gets their hands on a weapon of mass destruction. Then we will all be in big trouble. Its probably only a matter of time. My scariest nightmare involved me running back and forth all across the world trying to escape from a humanity at war with itself while the rest of the world around them was devastated.
A few weeks ago I came across a news story about a young black man who was chased and murdered by a bunch of white folks who ended up dismembering his body. Maybe they did this to try and get rid of evidence? I don't know. In my mind I have exacted revenge on people who pissed me off yet never in a million years would I ever take a life. Defending myself when the threat is great is one thing but to actually go out and kill someone creating that huge ripple effect on reality. That is some crazy level madness. I can see wanting to harm someone who has done something horrible to you or a loved one and maybe they deserve it but you are in effect giving some low life the power to ruin your life. Justice and revenge are not the same thing. Its weird logic probably but when someone dies they can't suffer anymore for what they did. Well I guess they can (suffer) but thats another conversation. Point is killing is the quick and easy solution. What if by sparing that person and giving them a chance to change they end up becoming an awesome attribute for society? I'm just saying. This poor kid had his whole life ahead of him and now its just over and the crazy thing is unless a miracle happens we may never know why? When/why did it become so easy for others to take a life? Is it something in the water or is the really the side effect of still emerging technologies?
I know I said I wasn't gonna talk about so and so anymore but we sorta talked the other day. ...And I sorta invited him to Universal Studios with me this coming weekend. Originally I'd planned to go to Detroit to hang out with a buddy for Detroit Comic Con but since my buddy in Detroit is facing a terrible situation with his moms being almost possibly at her deathbed he is not gonna be available understandably. Mr. Ninja even invited me over his place Monday after we talked but I had a sleeping pill in my system so regrettably I declined. Its probably for the best I didn't go. Letting that man have sex with me might affect my ability to think objectively plus its real easy to recall how devastated I was when I realized and accepted I had feelings for someone who can never reciprocate for whatever reasons. I wish I could go back in time because I believe I never should have invited him back to my place that one time when we had "semi-sex". It felt really good and nice but I think because it was so long since I was intimate (Its been years since I've had anyone inside) my emotional state got all convoluted. I just don't want to go back to how devastated I felt understanding I'd been rejected when he stopped making time or calling like he did initially. That whole situation put me in a bad place spiritually so I need to NOT sleep with dude. He is "to have and NOT to hold" Just like that Madonna song from the "Ray Of Light" album. You have to be careful of people like that. Especially when they really know how to put it down in the bedroom.
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