Confessions of a sad superhero book 4

I don't know what it is with me and women. Well power tripping mentally unstable enough women. (This even extends to family. Examples include my step sister Beverly who I recently went out of my way to get an Xbox1 for so we could play games together. It's been a whole month and not even a phone call to say thanks. Just the faintest of  online social media messages, but this taught me a painful lesson on where I stand with her.) As a gay man I do have plenty of teacher figures and inspirational muses who are women but my most potent enemies throughout much of my life seem to be women. Coming after me relentlessly as if they are driven by some supernatural force telling them to destroy me because they won't stop even if it is clearly not in their best interest. Take these particular women from Bangladesh who live in my building. They have orchestrated a campaign of hate against me that goes back almost twenty years. (I am sure some men of their clan have chipped in. Spreading rumors and harrassing me for YEARS. Just enough to avoid detection or basically not leaving much evidence I can go to the police with so it appears I am the one with the problem or whatever. They are just lucky video cameras were not installed in here until recently)  Yesterday at work a certain female co-worker came in and went in on me like she always does. Now I am a pretty level headed person much of the time and I suppose I appear meek or something because she is constantly doing things to push my buttons. I have complained to my bosses and nothing hs been done. Yesterday was already crazy enough because a homeless guy tried to run into me with a tent he was carrying on the street. Hell life has been crazy already with this whole Panda Pandemic thing going on. Stinky homeless people on the bus. Crazy people fighting at the bus stop. Crazy people carrying only GOD knows what coughing and sneezing near you without a mask or without a care. Angry folk are everywhere and you can cut the tension in the air with scissors because folks are on edge. Folks wanna go back to work because they have no income coming in but due to the shutdown businesses are closed. At the job we have clients coming in and out all thru the night exposing us to only GOD knows what. Staff members are getting increasingly weird and gossipy. Moody. Eavesdropping on conversations and whatnot. Being inconsistent in their behavior. I work around or with some truly fucked up individuals. I guess we all are fucked up in our own way but honestly I feel as if I have somehow become public enemy number one at that workplace. The more I open my mouth to try and fix or make sense of the people around me it just seems to make matters worse. One guy I really liked even though we have so much in common I had to come to grips that he like so many other gay men would rather lust after the unattainable straight appearing masculine dudes who don't even know he exists when something special is right there in front of him. I see he isn't into me but I have also seen one day that will probably change. People don't miss the water until its gone. Chaka Khan made a song about that. Actually yesterday at work was a reminder its time for me to start planning my departure from the lgbt center. It is time. I guess it has been for awhile. Maybe but now it just feels different. I found myself feeling those familiar pangs of anxiety again after everything started piling up. I was triggered. Mostly it was by HER. That co-worker. These are the types of people who make normally nice people suddenly snap and that can't be me. I have other plans for my life.

My co-writer hasn't submitted anything and I'm still waiting. Its been almost a month now I think. Meanwhile the artist working on my comic hasn't submitted anything for weeks so I am gonna have to start looking for another artist. My hunky co-worker (who I heroically helped get to work by calling him an uber and assisted in moving furniture last week) has some interesting business outings he is involved in. I would like to invest but since I like him it might be kinda weird as I am trying to keep my distance. Weaning myself I suppose. Out of sight is out of mind. Mostly. He just has the most beautiful dark skin and his smile lights up the room. See? There I go again. Trying to be in business with a crush....it just feels like a bad idea all around. To help me move past him I put myself back on the dating scene again. Via dating apps. (So far as usual its mainly those hot African out of towners with tales of woe trying to get at me) Am I doing something to attract certain types of guys? Is this a spiritual thing as I suspect? Is it wrong to want to attract some hot thug guy fresh out of prison looking to partner with a nice motivational figure?  Then again it would be nice to find a hot thug/nerd hybrid. I think that would be the best?  There may be a secret admirer lurking in the shadows. Possibly on PS4. I guess I could be reading too much into something thats not there. I guess in time the truth will out as they say.  Anyway I have been taking my head shrinks advice in looking for another job. Since I am no longer really happy at the center. Sometimes I think if I just quit that would give me the incentive to look for something else. Thing is I have a magic number in my head. I'd like to save up for the rest of the year so I can have a safety cushion. Plus I have some medical/dental stuff to take care of first and foremost. So I can't really leave yet. Just the fact I have begun saving money and looking around for other opportunities does certainly make it feel less like I'm trapped in this situation though. I've been looking at flights too. They are still relatively cheap but going back up since states are starting to ease the lockdowns. I may take a trip to Detroit soon or perhaps go visit Captain Liberia in North Dakota. Shit maybe if I can pull off saving up for the rest of the year and avoid the loonies or loonie situations I can go stay with Captain Libeia and give my poor head a chance to clear and right itself because I think its safe to say I need some time off. I was almost on the verge of taking a crazy pill today which is something I've been able to put off for months. (I've kept just one pill just in case) Didn't go to work tonight. Probably won't for the next few days because I am still pumped from yesterdays events and possibly other built up stuff. How pumped? I woke up heart racing and just feeling a strong sense of gloominess. It can tear you up going to a job you don't wanna be at especially when you are already dealing with shit. At some point the reality is you have to get out of that situation so you can grow not just as a person but also artisically. I know its probably cliche' to say this bu please make sure you have some money in the bank before you walk away from a job and if you can try not to burn bridges. In other words give that two weeks notice. In regard to that there are a few things I need to take care of and then next month I gotta cut down on the luxury spending. (No that does not mean that I am getting rid of my internet!)

Confessions of a sad superhero book 3

Things are starting to open up again and it feels kinda weird. I mean....theres a part of me that is worried it might be too soon. But then again theres been a lot of debate over this because so many people are out of work now and the economy has suffered. A stimulous check was sent out to help folks get back on their feet. Its $1200. Not a lot of money but to some of us it might as well be a million bucks. I got mine thru my H&R emerald card but for the most part I'm gonna just let the money sit there in my account for a rainy day. Maybe it can go towards some projects or I can invest it in a business one of my co-workers has. This is the cool cute guy I have been having a crush on. Although I have been coming to terms he and I can't ever be anything more than friends. Call it a spiritual epiphany of sorts. I did have a pretty intense dream about him but I realize it was just a fantasy playing out that's not gonna happen. We do have a lot of things in common but sexually we are not compatible. And even if we were he's just not attracted to me. So theres that. I did help him move some furniture into his new place this past weekend and that was cool because he certainly needed the help. Pretty sure he would not have been able to move that couch by himself up those stairs. It felt good to help someone though. Speaking of helping others I had another epiphany about something I have though of before actually. I think I have a gift when it comes to helping folks dealing with mental issues such as low self esteem and motivational stuff. So I would like to explore some opportunities in that filed. My head shrink feels I should certainly start looking into other job opportunities since its become clear I NEED to get out of security. Its time for a change.

I decided the other day it was time for me to start thinking about dating again too. I mean....Captain Liberia seems to be into me at times but its obvious we are not equally into each other. Maybe over time our bond kinda weakened? He rarely calls and I don't call as much. He's not the most stimulating conversationalist. I am still very much attracted to him but I think he and I are too scatterbrained at the time to focus on each other. Plus theres the whole distance thing. He did say I was welcomed to come stay there but I don't know. Perhaps if I had more money saved up you know? And getting back into dating again has been weird. Lets face it it has always been weird. I created an account for an app I basically said I was done with awhile back but its good to be at least trying to connect with someone else. Makes one feel human I guess. Thing is so many of the profiles are full of ass and dick photos or no face pics. Hidden face pics. The app is full of spam and hidden links that take you to raunchy sites when you click on things. Its so strange also that the whole site is littered with sexual imagery. Dicks, dildos and asses. I honestly hate looking at it and it saddens me that the gay community has taken such a steep nosedive. No wonder many of us don't take relationships seriously and are only about sex. For the most part I get hit on by white or Hispanic guys who I am not attracted to. It would be one thing if these were folks I thought were nice to look at or if I even had anything in common with them but the profiles are usually boring or just barebones. I swear at times it feels like I have somehow lost the ability to attract black guys too because they just don't seem to be into me at ALL. Honestly I do have some theories but I really don't understand whats going on. Women certainly notice me but I'm not into them. I was joking with that cute co-worker about one day having a girlfriend and some kids in the future. Stranger things have happened. I'm just not really into women like that though. Mostly I get the notion I am just in the wrong location or something. African dudes hit me up online quite a bit but I don't take them seriously since much of the time they start asking for money or help getting to the U.S. as if I could actually do anything. I have been invited to Africa though. Sometime next year I would like to move someplace else. I guess when I get my passport again and birth certificate (that a black man stole from me) I can consider leaving the country. I wish I could go live in Japan or someplace else exotic. If only I had the money. Speaking  of money I'm starting to think about doing more film production soon and I recently had one of my artist's start back on the Gerbilla comic. You gotta play the game to win it as they say.

Confessions of a sad superhero Book 2.

RANTING (mostly about terrible experiences with people!)

Please
Please
Please
understand
I didn't want us to be enemies
really did want to let you move in but man
I was going thru so much shit
And I wasn't ready or willing to let anyone in.
(Plus my place is too damn small!)

****

Called you cute 
and you let it be known 
that under no uncertain terms will any at work flirting be tolerated.

And I guess you were not flirting when you kept mentioning needing a massage. 
You sent a message by not offering pizza
while offering everyone else)
super cool to me at work
while basically nixing any of my attempts at an outside fraternization.
You are the master of mixed signals

You broke my clippers
Broke 
Gave away or 
sold the Xbox I gave you.
(Geez I wish somebody would buy me a game console!)

-Sometimes I swear men make me so confused-

I should have just taken the hint when you refused a role or always had excuses not to break bread together.

Was it so wrong I liked you?
I never crossed the line
I ain't that kinda guy.
Maybe it scared you?
(You'll know one of these days
What you tossed out with the trash.
Because I coulda been a great friend)

I might have some sort of whiplash accumulated
from all of the people
suddenly cut me off
never telling me why
got a brother wondering
how we came to this place in space and time.

(I understand that we cannot all be 
each other's cup of tea
but this shit is ridiculous.
I can't be that awful a person can I?)

Fell out with me a year ago
because of Marvel vs Falcon
stopped talking to me
I never found out why(!)
Then you got another job
then you got a pet
tried to have some girl friends.
Called me up out the blue
wanted to come over
wanted to borrow something.
-Sometimes I swear men make me so confused-
 Because sometimes I swear I see SOMETHING in your eyes.

******
Now you walk to another bus stop to avoid me
(Who in the world put that in your head?)
and I still can't believe we fell out over a video game
or that you put me out on the street
had me sitting at the dentist
 with a mold
in my mouth
because I talked too much.
Took my ceramic mask and shattered it.
Walked away when I mentioned the name of my comic
then tried to belittle that passion
Spat on me
Kicked me
Slapping me
back of the head
back of the neck.
Can a brother walk out to the store
without some fucktards laughing at me?
Constantly on me for little things
never compliment me on anything
Forced me at gunpoint out of a car
because I looked like the suspect.
lunged at the bus window when you saw me.
There something at the bus window
and cuz I didn't get on
with you and you arguing trans girlfriend.
Told me I had a demon in me making me gay
Told others in the church.
Rolled with me in the hay after seducing me
Fucked me
Told me it wouldn't happen again
Then acted like I did something wrong
and I had no idea you were cheating
Fucked me and didn't use a condom
(Didn't tell me you were positive)
Fucked me
broke the damn condom
Didn't infect me
but you still
changed my life
with that chipped tooth you gave me.
Manipulated me
lied
turned the man of my dreams against me.
Wanted to hurt me
because I like dudes
got on the phone
with yo moms
told me I couldn't enter heaven
Because of what I am.
Shit I went to the store without my damn wallet.
Told me you was going to Jerusalem.
Tried to convince me my life was getting better
since the dark forces were helping my gay ass.
Since when?
Since when did other folks become such authorities
on how I should live my life?
Why do people subscribe so strongly
to bullshit that trumps reason and logic?
Folks fighting so hard to keep me unhinged
All this hate and rage coming my way
Like I'm the true face of all evil
a serial killer
the damn antichrist
a fucking menace
so many things that I am not
and I'm so tired of people treating me this way.

Made me make a vow
to find a way to come back
somehow
Just to make sure
they can't keep doing this to other people
because on the other side
You better believe it's a level playing field.
Best believe darkness won't rule forever.
A spanking is coming....

I am imperfect
I am of certain spiritual gifts
but I am still
Just a man
out here
trying to survive
trying so hard to do the right thing
Struggling to lay a foundation for something special
and it seems this world hates me for that.

When are things going to get easier?

Stop trying to make me this cautionary tale
like I haven't figured out
you treat a man
like he got a disease
you tell a man he has a disease long enough
he might start to believe it.

Gotta crawl out this barrel
so tired but gotta take back this energy
get back the stolen energy

When will Sergio stop giving his energy
to losers who don't deserve it?
some folks so full of negativity
it seems to ooze off them
trying to crawl in me like ants.
Why didn't I notice this before?
got me walking around
spiritual bug spray
on mind and body.

When will you understand
my dreams are
inevitable?

When will those portals open
and all the other Avengers come help
all the rest of us super heroes left standing?

I just want to be loved
 me this thing
this soulless automation with a spark
a power
this robot who doesn't act like all the others
so they punish him for it
as they don't understand it
won't understand it.

been stuck in a matrix so long
some with the light forgot they had it
That can't be me.

(Why this tablet sabotaging my typing?)

Where's that reassuring love
dreamt of in this heart of mine?
I just want to make peace with the possibility
it might not ever happen.

No car
not a musclebound
hyper masculine hunk
with a million dollars in the bank.
others won't see any worth in me
and sometimes it hurts
only cuz I stop focusing on my goals
letting those distractions creep in.

Gotta stop letting folks
hiding behind insecurities
lay them on me
like I'm a target.

I just want to
be able to let all the shit folks fling bounce off me.

Maybe other people take this for granted
because
They already have it.
I'm not quite there yet
I just want to be strong enough to
face incoming cars at the bus stop
strong enough to bask in the glow
 of my own self worth.

Question is will I need an emotional support animal to do it?

Stay tuned I guess.

Confessions of a sad superhero Book 1

(To Tall Black Guy tribute to Roy Ayers)

$6000.00

Took me a minute to get here
so much building up
walking around
like nothing is wrong
but its all kinda like a rug with a bunch of dirt under it really.
That dirt
dust
I am gradually getting some of it out from under the rug
but the truth is
I will probably never get it all out.

I think
even though I soar at times
the valleys are low
parts of me are broken.
Some is my fault
some I blame the world for.
Bad people
coming after me with their shit.
Bad intentions
buzzing around like gnats
never too far away
mosquito-like
attempting to suck
the joy away
These
crazy folks trying to hack my life
like those who keep trying to hack my online accounts
(What exactly are they looking for (?) because I don't have any money)
Whats the point
(To make me crazy?)
Its ironic
the crazier I feel
the crazier everyone else seems.
Some kind of discerning gift?
Just like I dream so much
when others around me seem like they can't
or won't.

I'm trying to fly above all this
despite the current state of the world
damn virus everywhere
taking lives
changing everything
buses free
crazy folk everywhere
and its illegal to not wear masks in public now.
People who like you
resist liking you.
People are angry at you for having passion
and its getting so hot outside
no rain in sight.
Can't go visit your family because
you don't wanna risk getting sickness
potentially giving sickness.
The pres who lies
all the time
(and is constantly forgiven for it)
doesn't believe in science
wants to grab women by their privates
and is a scareda the NRA
backed by the KKK.

I struggle trying to make myself clean up
struggling with fatigue
wishing someone would come and massage me
yet no one comes
the phone doesn't ring
and I'm stifling these emotions
tryna accept maybe this is just the way its supposed to be.
Its a real adventure I'm living man/woman
chasing after these ambitions
watching as a part of me seems to wither away.
Feel like I gotta run away
and one day I will.
As soon as I have saved enough money.
$6000.00 is all I need.

(To Prince)

Told me I was useless
because I don't drive.
And sometimes I still believe it
wishing I could live somewhere cars don't equate status
because here they do.
Told me I was useless
but it was with his eyes
everytime he looks at me
when he walks in the room
and even now
looks at me
like I'm the worst
and to my knowledge I have done nothing.
Then again people don't need a reason to hate you
so why the hell am I wondering did somebody whisper some lies in his ears?
Told me it looked like I was doing nothing
suddenly changed the rules at work
when if they watched the damn cameras they'd see
every five minutes somebody is coming in and out that gate
so now suddenly they ask us to leave it open
in a world where literally millions hate gay people
(How much sense does that make?)
Told me my body wasn't acceptable
so body shamed we all are I suppose
most of us never take our shirts off
or take photos that go lower than the chest.
Get yo shit together they say
Get that bank account straight
before you have a chance of me getting with you
and I say that they might be waiting a long time.
Aren't I supposed to be getting myself together for me
and not to gain someone else's approval?

I don't think anything I do can ever satisfy these people.
They don't know what its like to walk in my shoes.
This titanic struggle continues with so many private little victories
I'm celebrating (and sometimes crying) with the spirits
because they see EVERYTHING.

(Written to Seal Accoustic album)

Yesterday on my way home with a couple of other guards an arguing couple appeared at the bus stop and things got VERY loud and violent with this one dude. He was a tall brown skinned and gorgeous brother who had his shirt off. But he was yelling and punching the bus stop and causing it to shake so much I thought the glass would break. It certainly shook more than the earthquake last night I didn't feel at all. (Now the same dude is out in front of my job! This crazy world) Dudes transgendered girlfriend was so meek and fearful and she kept saying "I'm sorry and I don't know what you want me to do" I was really scared for her. When the bus did finally come me and the other guards decided we'd had enough drama so we didn't get on when the couple did. The shirtless dude must've been pissed at us because as the bus drove off he actually looked right in my direction as he threw something at the window. Sometimes people treat me like I'm some bloody screaming maniac like that even though in my entire life I have never done anything like that. They do say folks sometimes have stuff inside they are so scared people will see that they will go out of their way to divert attention onto someone else. Everything you have ever accused me of you have done. Like in Color purple when Whoopi says "Everything you done to me been done to you" Am I the mirror everyone wants to smash? Am I? They see me and want to kill me because they want to kill themselves. ""You'd kill me? You'd kill yourselves!" (Akasha: Queen of the damned)


I want to go to the movies but I can't
because everything is shut down.
I want to ask someone out
even though I'll probably be wasting my time
(I think we both want the same thing)
but I can't ask him out
can't even get a hotel room
or invite him out to an amusement park
because everything is closed down.
Stuck at home
but I'm always home
most of the time anyway.
I just hate feeling you know
trapped
like I can't go anywhere
and people at my job stopped telling us we are appreciated
certain people never do that
so sometimes I feel like
what am I doing here
during this pandemic thing?
So much of the time now I feel so tired from nothing
I bury myself in videogames
movies
music tv
and when that doesn't work I turn to my artsy stuff
yet theres this pain that I'm used to (Thanks Depeche Mode)
It won't fully go away
Its like being lonely
but wondering are folks like me supposed to feel this shit?
I thought I was beyond this shit
and maybe a part of me really is
still the all too human part
wonders
what kind of a life could I possibly have
being completely open and intimate with another.
To become what I must be
must I let the human inside fall away
Every now and then I have to ask these questions.
Why do I dream of having cats?
Why do I dream of having dogs?
In my fantasy world I have a whole bunch of animal companions
There are some kids around too
and people love and respect me.
Then there are the dark fantasies
where I am persecuted
driven away
attacked
then the inevitable tragedy happens and I swoop down to save the day
only to retreat back into the mystery mountains because
"You may look like one of them but you are not" (Thank you Superman)
Sure I do wish the mother ship had waited for me
but so often I laugh at the irony that is my life.

False god

Let you in on one of my projects
beautiful smile
beautiful body
sharp mind
and some would have said
imperfect with all those imperfections.
Dark chocolate
tragically flawed
but I saw in you a godliness
a kindred spirit
and you represented something heavenly
even if
some of the things you believed in were
hypocritical
but hey
you are one of those people
who has to believe in something
(thats what you said)
I thought you would have made a good brother
almost overlooking the fact I already have one of those.

Was I wrong to let you in so much?
Bought you a game console
(which you seem to have abandoned/sold or possibly somehow destroyed)
I should have gotten for a family member who really would have appreciated it and gamed with me on it instead of just not even caring.
Trust me I won't make this mistake a second time.
yep it has happened before....
(Did my generosity scare you that much? Come on)
treated you constantly
even though you came over
sometimes with questionable hygiene.
Dude you bit off your nails
left them all over my floor
and I think you broke my clippers.
I tried to love you
in a way that was pure
I actually worshipped you.
But ultimately you proved to be unworthy.
Rejected me
Lost in self
creating these fantasies about who you were
I guess
because I don't think I ever knew the real you
this young powerful
tragically flawed
dark chocolate
representation of something
that maybe you can be one day
when you decide to live in the light you say you follow.
Until then
you are a false god
came in in a trojan horse
stole my worship
made yourself strong
then got the hell out
ran from the congregation that loved you
looking for something better out there.
and I don't think you will ever find it.
I thought some of my nervousness
or weird social awkwardness
was just my insecurities
I think it really was my spidey sense
And the crazy thing is
I never did anything wrong
but you dropped me like I was
the damn black plague or something.

I think you would have treated a serial killer better.
Ima treat you like the cautionary tale you are and keep my distance.
No gonna go to service no more
paying tribute to your undeserving-ness.
You made me lose this religion
and I will never understand why you chose to do it to me.


***********

Am I fancy enough
to wear the fancy clothes
to hang out with the fancy folks
to be invited to fancy outings
in fancy locations
eating fancy foods?
No one has really ever done that before
but last night someone asked me to sit and have lunch with them
and I said no
because I guess I didn't know how to react
after all no one ever really invites me anywhere anymore
I think I have become that guy
who has become
too used to his own company.
You know what I mean.
That weird guy people like to stare at from their cars
from the streets
or parked somewhere
or from
windows
a rooftop nearby
when I'm waiting at the bus stop.
(What are they saying
and why are they bothering to do that?
What makes them do these things
because its not really helping me?)
Or they watch me from tinted windows
sometimes even snapping a photo or two.
I swear sometimes I think theres an unseen struggle
to turn me into a social misfit
even while I struggle to get clear.
You know what I mean.
I don't wannt keep feeling less than
and I don't want to give up on the human race
becoming that guy up on the hill
in that old house
with a bunch of cats/dogs
just because I have seen so much nastiness out here.
Nastiness both from the physical and spiritual realms.
I swear I will never completely understand why others waste their time/energy
coming for people just because they don't understand us.
Get yo shit together and stop trying to control MY life will you?
Can you?
I'm starting to think
just maybe they cannot simply leave us alone.
Could be we are
I am
indeed the fancy and it scares the hell out of them
that oneday we/I might realize it.

Bitch stop trying to kill our vibe(s)

*****

I talk too much
My ideas are too out there
I'm weird
People don't understand me
The more I try to get closer the more I get pushed away
ignored
so misunderstood.
Trying to take a stick from my eye
with a log in theirs!
I'm starting to think
I'm happier keeping to myself
keep my energy to myself
Do good but
don't brag about it
keep it on the low.
The dark  avengers of theworld
we don't do things for acceptance
(because we'll never have it anyway)
We just do good because we want the world to be a better kinder place.
Most of the mortals are only mortals because they want to be
So they are in a different mental place than us dark avenger types
Maybe one day they'll arrive at the train station with us
Although not at the same time
I am learning the ancient art of not speaking to the mortals.
They hurt my mind
and it could be dangerous
especially when that anxiety and stress combine
doing a number on my immune system.
Make a brother wanna
visualize some colored shield energy around me
watch some comedies on tv
Spur those white blood cells into action
like I'm tryna spur my body to not need this stupid allergy medicine (sneezing so much dumb neighbors are scared of me)
Allergies and a cold a good combo they do not make!

Maybe Morpheus was right when he said
you can't trust any of them
those still manipulated by the matrix
those who have not learned how to manipulate it.
The path of the dark avengers seems very lonely indeed.

Gotta protect yourself against the toxicity infections
coming off the infected
while tryna be protector-ish
of those toxically infected.

Even among my own supposed people
There's the lashing out of tempers
and stunted/depressed emotions will often lash out
makes the ones you trusted suddenly act out.

How does one relax around those
those who can suddenly turn on him without warning?

I'm constantly being reminded
I need healthier people around me
I'm constantly remembering
all of those ironies of this life.

This is the path of this weirdo.

*****

Let the world deal with me in limited doses
I'm too energetic and animated for most
let them come to me when they want to deal with me
and if I feel inclined
I'll give input.
Mostly keep silent
observe from a distance
put my work out
and some will see it
and some will support it
Most won't understand it
but it'll be enough to pay the bills at least
I hope.
I hope it'll touch a soul
maybe make them into a positive force
a contributor instead of just being a taker.
Sometimes it feels corny saying these things out loud
but this is who I have become.
The person coming to grips with
some will get me
Most won't and I'm learning to be okay with that.
I'm learning
probably most people hate the dark avenger
especially those he/she would love the most
and that is the curse of his /her dark past.
With great power
comes great irony.

******

Once a cynical and jaded asshole
walked into the room
sucked all the joy out the room
told you he wasn't interested in what you liked
laughed at your online posts
belittled your passions
and it hurt so much.
Why did it hurt so much?
Why when you can clearly see
that there is a part of him
deader than any corpse.
Drives past looking straight ahead
seems to have the emotional range
of a tired old queen
tired of the world
bored of the world
fed up with hearing you having joy for anything
its like when they told that Farmer
"We don't shout in this church"
Remember some will punish you for having what they don't.
They'll try to kill you with envy
disguised in hatred.
Then they will say
you were wrong for your sensitivity dark avenger.
You must quickly access those worthy or unworthy of your space.
Those who would slap you down
because you are "too happy" or "having too much fun"
Passion can be scary for those without it
or those who have forgotten its reassuring hugs....

****

Caught in the middle of a lawsuit
Caught in the crosshairs of having caught feelings for the unreciprocrating
(Sometimes I think he knows)
Thankfully mostly those feelings have subsided.
Caught in the webs of a higher up
who seems to be coming for me
or is it "higher ups"?
Dredging up things
things from the past
or any little thing
while not showing any appreciation.
Is it personal and if so
WHY?
Caught in a sea of lies
lies told
lies told to so many
by so many
that at times it feels as if
the entire gay community has turned against me.
I wonder what they would do or say to a real villain
I wonder how would they feel if theyreally knew
how wrong they are about who they think I am.
Sometimes I can't tell friend from enemy
and I'm so tired of having to fight thru so much trauma.
So caught up in surviving
trying to heal
trying to not get caught by
the negativity that seems to keep running
chasing after me.
I'm caught in a struggle
and my rusty-ish sword needs to be repolished and sharpened.
Do I need to go on some epic quest for the golden lotus
in order to reclaim my glow?

I think I'm already caught in an epic struggle....