(Written to Seal Accoustic album)

Yesterday on my way home with a couple of other guards an arguing couple appeared at the bus stop and things got VERY loud and violent with this one dude. He was a tall brown skinned and gorgeous brother who had his shirt off. But he was yelling and punching the bus stop and causing it to shake so much I thought the glass would break. It certainly shook more than the earthquake last night I didn't feel at all. (Now the same dude is out in front of my job! This crazy world) Dudes transgendered girlfriend was so meek and fearful and she kept saying "I'm sorry and I don't know what you want me to do" I was really scared for her. When the bus did finally come me and the other guards decided we'd had enough drama so we didn't get on when the couple did. The shirtless dude must've been pissed at us because as the bus drove off he actually looked right in my direction as he threw something at the window. Sometimes people treat me like I'm some bloody screaming maniac like that even though in my entire life I have never done anything like that. They do say folks sometimes have stuff inside they are so scared people will see that they will go out of their way to divert attention onto someone else. Everything you have ever accused me of you have done. Like in Color purple when Whoopi says "Everything you done to me been done to you" Am I the mirror everyone wants to smash? Am I? They see me and want to kill me because they want to kill themselves. ""You'd kill me? You'd kill yourselves!" (Akasha: Queen of the damned)


I want to go to the movies but I can't
because everything is shut down.
I want to ask someone out
even though I'll probably be wasting my time
(I think we both want the same thing)
but I can't ask him out
can't even get a hotel room
or invite him out to an amusement park
because everything is closed down.
Stuck at home
but I'm always home
most of the time anyway.
I just hate feeling you know
trapped
like I can't go anywhere
and people at my job stopped telling us we are appreciated
certain people never do that
so sometimes I feel like
what am I doing here
during this pandemic thing?
So much of the time now I feel so tired from nothing
I bury myself in videogames
movies
music tv
and when that doesn't work I turn to my artsy stuff
yet theres this pain that I'm used to (Thanks Depeche Mode)
It won't fully go away
Its like being lonely
but wondering are folks like me supposed to feel this shit?
I thought I was beyond this shit
and maybe a part of me really is
still the all too human part
wonders
what kind of a life could I possibly have
being completely open and intimate with another.
To become what I must be
must I let the human inside fall away
Every now and then I have to ask these questions.
Why do I dream of having cats?
Why do I dream of having dogs?
In my fantasy world I have a whole bunch of animal companions
There are some kids around too
and people love and respect me.
Then there are the dark fantasies
where I am persecuted
driven away
attacked
then the inevitable tragedy happens and I swoop down to save the day
only to retreat back into the mystery mountains because
"You may look like one of them but you are not" (Thank you Superman)
Sure I do wish the mother ship had waited for me
but so often I laugh at the irony that is my life.