False god

Let you in on one of my projects
beautiful smile
beautiful body
sharp mind
and some would have said
imperfect with all those imperfections.
Dark chocolate
tragically flawed
but I saw in you a godliness
a kindred spirit
and you represented something heavenly
even if
some of the things you believed in were
hypocritical
but hey
you are one of those people
who has to believe in something
(thats what you said)
I thought you would have made a good brother
almost overlooking the fact I already have one of those.

Was I wrong to let you in so much?
Bought you a game console
(which you seem to have abandoned/sold or possibly somehow destroyed)
I should have gotten for a family member who really would have appreciated it and gamed with me on it instead of just not even caring.
Trust me I won't make this mistake a second time.
yep it has happened before....
(Did my generosity scare you that much? Come on)
treated you constantly
even though you came over
sometimes with questionable hygiene.
Dude you bit off your nails
left them all over my floor
and I think you broke my clippers.
I tried to love you
in a way that was pure
I actually worshipped you.
But ultimately you proved to be unworthy.
Rejected me
Lost in self
creating these fantasies about who you were
I guess
because I don't think I ever knew the real you
this young powerful
tragically flawed
dark chocolate
representation of something
that maybe you can be one day
when you decide to live in the light you say you follow.
Until then
you are a false god
came in in a trojan horse
stole my worship
made yourself strong
then got the hell out
ran from the congregation that loved you
looking for something better out there.
and I don't think you will ever find it.
I thought some of my nervousness
or weird social awkwardness
was just my insecurities
I think it really was my spidey sense
And the crazy thing is
I never did anything wrong
but you dropped me like I was
the damn black plague or something.

I think you would have treated a serial killer better.
Ima treat you like the cautionary tale you are and keep my distance.
No gonna go to service no more
paying tribute to your undeserving-ness.
You made me lose this religion
and I will never understand why you chose to do it to me.


***********

Am I fancy enough
to wear the fancy clothes
to hang out with the fancy folks
to be invited to fancy outings
in fancy locations
eating fancy foods?
No one has really ever done that before
but last night someone asked me to sit and have lunch with them
and I said no
because I guess I didn't know how to react
after all no one ever really invites me anywhere anymore
I think I have become that guy
who has become
too used to his own company.
You know what I mean.
That weird guy people like to stare at from their cars
from the streets
or parked somewhere
or from
windows
a rooftop nearby
when I'm waiting at the bus stop.
(What are they saying
and why are they bothering to do that?
What makes them do these things
because its not really helping me?)
Or they watch me from tinted windows
sometimes even snapping a photo or two.
I swear sometimes I think theres an unseen struggle
to turn me into a social misfit
even while I struggle to get clear.
You know what I mean.
I don't wannt keep feeling less than
and I don't want to give up on the human race
becoming that guy up on the hill
in that old house
with a bunch of cats/dogs
just because I have seen so much nastiness out here.
Nastiness both from the physical and spiritual realms.
I swear I will never completely understand why others waste their time/energy
coming for people just because they don't understand us.
Get yo shit together and stop trying to control MY life will you?
Can you?
I'm starting to think
just maybe they cannot simply leave us alone.
Could be we are
I am
indeed the fancy and it scares the hell out of them
that oneday we/I might realize it.

Bitch stop trying to kill our vibe(s)

*****

I talk too much
My ideas are too out there
I'm weird
People don't understand me
The more I try to get closer the more I get pushed away
ignored
so misunderstood.
Trying to take a stick from my eye
with a log in theirs!
I'm starting to think
I'm happier keeping to myself
keep my energy to myself
Do good but
don't brag about it
keep it on the low.
The dark  avengers of theworld
we don't do things for acceptance
(because we'll never have it anyway)
We just do good because we want the world to be a better kinder place.
Most of the mortals are only mortals because they want to be
So they are in a different mental place than us dark avenger types
Maybe one day they'll arrive at the train station with us
Although not at the same time
I am learning the ancient art of not speaking to the mortals.
They hurt my mind
and it could be dangerous
especially when that anxiety and stress combine
doing a number on my immune system.
Make a brother wanna
visualize some colored shield energy around me
watch some comedies on tv
Spur those white blood cells into action
like I'm tryna spur my body to not need this stupid allergy medicine (sneezing so much dumb neighbors are scared of me)
Allergies and a cold a good combo they do not make!

Maybe Morpheus was right when he said
you can't trust any of them
those still manipulated by the matrix
those who have not learned how to manipulate it.
The path of the dark avengers seems very lonely indeed.

Gotta protect yourself against the toxicity infections
coming off the infected
while tryna be protector-ish
of those toxically infected.

Even among my own supposed people
There's the lashing out of tempers
and stunted/depressed emotions will often lash out
makes the ones you trusted suddenly act out.

How does one relax around those
those who can suddenly turn on him without warning?

I'm constantly being reminded
I need healthier people around me
I'm constantly remembering
all of those ironies of this life.

This is the path of this weirdo.

*****

Let the world deal with me in limited doses
I'm too energetic and animated for most
let them come to me when they want to deal with me
and if I feel inclined
I'll give input.
Mostly keep silent
observe from a distance
put my work out
and some will see it
and some will support it
Most won't understand it
but it'll be enough to pay the bills at least
I hope.
I hope it'll touch a soul
maybe make them into a positive force
a contributor instead of just being a taker.
Sometimes it feels corny saying these things out loud
but this is who I have become.
The person coming to grips with
some will get me
Most won't and I'm learning to be okay with that.
I'm learning
probably most people hate the dark avenger
especially those he/she would love the most
and that is the curse of his /her dark past.
With great power
comes great irony.

******

Once a cynical and jaded asshole
walked into the room
sucked all the joy out the room
told you he wasn't interested in what you liked
laughed at your online posts
belittled your passions
and it hurt so much.
Why did it hurt so much?
Why when you can clearly see
that there is a part of him
deader than any corpse.
Drives past looking straight ahead
seems to have the emotional range
of a tired old queen
tired of the world
bored of the world
fed up with hearing you having joy for anything
its like when they told that Farmer
"We don't shout in this church"
Remember some will punish you for having what they don't.
They'll try to kill you with envy
disguised in hatred.
Then they will say
you were wrong for your sensitivity dark avenger.
You must quickly access those worthy or unworthy of your space.
Those who would slap you down
because you are "too happy" or "having too much fun"
Passion can be scary for those without it
or those who have forgotten its reassuring hugs....

****

Caught in the middle of a lawsuit
Caught in the crosshairs of having caught feelings for the unreciprocrating
(Sometimes I think he knows)
Thankfully mostly those feelings have subsided.
Caught in the webs of a higher up
who seems to be coming for me
or is it "higher ups"?
Dredging up things
things from the past
or any little thing
while not showing any appreciation.
Is it personal and if so
WHY?
Caught in a sea of lies
lies told
lies told to so many
by so many
that at times it feels as if
the entire gay community has turned against me.
I wonder what they would do or say to a real villain
I wonder how would they feel if theyreally knew
how wrong they are about who they think I am.
Sometimes I can't tell friend from enemy
and I'm so tired of having to fight thru so much trauma.
So caught up in surviving
trying to heal
trying to not get caught by
the negativity that seems to keep running
chasing after me.
I'm caught in a struggle
and my rusty-ish sword needs to be repolished and sharpened.
Do I need to go on some epic quest for the golden lotus
in order to reclaim my glow?

I think I'm already caught in an epic struggle....