I don't know what it is with me and women. Well power tripping mentally unstable enough women. (This even extends to family. Examples include my step sister Beverly who I recently went out of my way to get an Xbox1 for so we could play games together. It's been a whole month and not even a phone call to say thanks. Just the faintest of online social media messages, but this taught me a painful lesson on where I stand with her.) As a gay man I do have plenty of teacher figures and inspirational muses who are women but my most potent enemies throughout much of my life seem to be women. Coming after me relentlessly as if they are driven by some supernatural force telling them to destroy me because they won't stop even if it is clearly not in their best interest. Take these particular women from Bangladesh who live in my building. They have orchestrated a campaign of hate against me that goes back almost twenty years. (I am sure some men of their clan have chipped in. Spreading rumors and harrassing me for YEARS. Just enough to avoid detection or basically not leaving much evidence I can go to the police with so it appears I am the one with the problem or whatever. They are just lucky video cameras were not installed in here until recently) Yesterday at work a certain female co-worker came in and went in on me like she always does. Now I am a pretty level headed person much of the time and I suppose I appear meek or something because she is constantly doing things to push my buttons. I have complained to my bosses and nothing hs been done. Yesterday was already crazy enough because a homeless guy tried to run into me with a tent he was carrying on the street. Hell life has been crazy already with this whole Panda Pandemic thing going on. Stinky homeless people on the bus. Crazy people fighting at the bus stop. Crazy people carrying only GOD knows what coughing and sneezing near you without a mask or without a care. Angry folk are everywhere and you can cut the tension in the air with scissors because folks are on edge. Folks wanna go back to work because they have no income coming in but due to the shutdown businesses are closed. At the job we have clients coming in and out all thru the night exposing us to only GOD knows what. Staff members are getting increasingly weird and gossipy. Moody. Eavesdropping on conversations and whatnot. Being inconsistent in their behavior. I work around or with some truly fucked up individuals. I guess we all are fucked up in our own way but honestly I feel as if I have somehow become public enemy number one at that workplace. The more I open my mouth to try and fix or make sense of the people around me it just seems to make matters worse. One guy I really liked even though we have so much in common I had to come to grips that he like so many other gay men would rather lust after the unattainable straight appearing masculine dudes who don't even know he exists when something special is right there in front of him. I see he isn't into me but I have also seen one day that will probably change. People don't miss the water until its gone. Chaka Khan made a song about that. Actually yesterday at work was a reminder its time for me to start planning my departure from the lgbt center. It is time. I guess it has been for awhile. Maybe but now it just feels different. I found myself feeling those familiar pangs of anxiety again after everything started piling up. I was triggered. Mostly it was by HER. That co-worker. These are the types of people who make normally nice people suddenly snap and that can't be me. I have other plans for my life.
My co-writer hasn't submitted anything and I'm still waiting. Its been almost a month now I think. Meanwhile the artist working on my comic hasn't submitted anything for weeks so I am gonna have to start looking for another artist. My hunky co-worker (who I heroically helped get to work by calling him an uber and assisted in moving furniture last week) has some interesting business outings he is involved in. I would like to invest but since I like him it might be kinda weird as I am trying to keep my distance. Weaning myself I suppose. Out of sight is out of mind. Mostly. He just has the most beautiful dark skin and his smile lights up the room. See? There I go again. Trying to be in business with a crush....it just feels like a bad idea all around. To help me move past him I put myself back on the dating scene again. Via dating apps. (So far as usual its mainly those hot African out of towners with tales of woe trying to get at me) Am I doing something to attract certain types of guys? Is this a spiritual thing as I suspect? Is it wrong to want to attract some hot thug guy fresh out of prison looking to partner with a nice motivational figure? Then again it would be nice to find a hot thug/nerd hybrid. I think that would be the best? There may be a secret admirer lurking in the shadows. Possibly on PS4. I guess I could be reading too much into something thats not there. I guess in time the truth will out as they say. Anyway I have been taking my head shrinks advice in looking for another job. Since I am no longer really happy at the center. Sometimes I think if I just quit that would give me the incentive to look for something else. Thing is I have a magic number in my head. I'd like to save up for the rest of the year so I can have a safety cushion. Plus I have some medical/dental stuff to take care of first and foremost. So I can't really leave yet. Just the fact I have begun saving money and looking around for other opportunities does certainly make it feel less like I'm trapped in this situation though. I've been looking at flights too. They are still relatively cheap but going back up since states are starting to ease the lockdowns. I may take a trip to Detroit soon or perhaps go visit Captain Liberia in North Dakota. Shit maybe if I can pull off saving up for the rest of the year and avoid the loonies or loonie situations I can go stay with Captain Libeia and give my poor head a chance to clear and right itself because I think its safe to say I need some time off. I was almost on the verge of taking a crazy pill today which is something I've been able to put off for months. (I've kept just one pill just in case) Didn't go to work tonight. Probably won't for the next few days because I am still pumped from yesterdays events and possibly other built up stuff. How pumped? I woke up heart racing and just feeling a strong sense of gloominess. It can tear you up going to a job you don't wanna be at especially when you are already dealing with shit. At some point the reality is you have to get out of that situation so you can grow not just as a person but also artisically. I know its probably cliche' to say this bu please make sure you have some money in the bank before you walk away from a job and if you can try not to burn bridges. In other words give that two weeks notice. In regard to that there are a few things I need to take care of and then next month I gotta cut down on the luxury spending. (No that does not mean that I am getting rid of my internet!)
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