RANTING (mostly about terrible experiences with people!)
Please
Please
Please
understand
I didn't want us to be enemies
really did want to let you move in but man
I was going thru so much shit
And I wasn't ready or willing to let anyone in.
(Plus my place is too damn small!)
****
Called you cute
and you let it be known
that under no uncertain terms will any at work flirting be tolerated.
And I guess you were not flirting when you kept mentioning needing a massage.
You sent a message by not offering pizza
while offering everyone else)
super cool to me at work
while basically nixing any of my attempts at an outside fraternization.
You are the master of mixed signals
You broke my clippers
Broke
Gave away or
sold the Xbox I gave you.
(Geez I wish somebody would buy me a game console!)
-Sometimes I swear men make me so confused-
I should have just taken the hint when you refused a role or always had excuses not to break bread together.
Was it so wrong I liked you?
I never crossed the line
I ain't that kinda guy.
Maybe it scared you?
(You'll know one of these days
What you tossed out with the trash.
Because I coulda been a great friend)
I might have some sort of whiplash accumulated
from all of the people
suddenly cut me off
never telling me why
got a brother wondering
how we came to this place in space and time.
(I understand that we cannot all be
each other's cup of tea
but this shit is ridiculous.
I can't be that awful a person can I?)
Fell out with me a year ago
because of Marvel vs Falcon
stopped talking to me
I never found out why(!)
Then you got another job
then you got a pet
tried to have some girl friends.
Called me up out the blue
wanted to come over
wanted to borrow something.
-Sometimes I swear men make me so confused-
Because sometimes I swear I see SOMETHING in your eyes.
******
Now you walk to another bus stop to avoid me
(Who in the world put that in your head?)
and I still can't believe we fell out over a video game
or that you put me out on the street
had me sitting at the dentist
with a mold
in my mouth
because I talked too much.
Took my ceramic mask and shattered it.
Walked away when I mentioned the name of my comic
then tried to belittle that passion
Spat on me
Kicked me
Slapping me
back of the head
back of the neck.
Can a brother walk out to the store
without some fucktards laughing at me?
Constantly on me for little things
never compliment me on anything
Forced me at gunpoint out of a car
because I looked like the suspect.
lunged at the bus window when you saw me.
There something at the bus window
and cuz I didn't get on
with you and you arguing trans girlfriend.
Told me I had a demon in me making me gay
Told others in the church.
Rolled with me in the hay after seducing me
Fucked me
Told me it wouldn't happen again
Then acted like I did something wrong
and I had no idea you were cheating
Fucked me and didn't use a condom
(Didn't tell me you were positive)
Fucked me
broke the damn condom
Didn't infect me
but you still
changed my life
with that chipped tooth you gave me.
Manipulated me
lied
turned the man of my dreams against me.
Wanted to hurt me
because I like dudes
got on the phone
with yo moms
told me I couldn't enter heaven
Because of what I am.
Shit I went to the store without my damn wallet.
Told me you was going to Jerusalem.
Tried to convince me my life was getting better
since the dark forces were helping my gay ass.
Since when?
Since when did other folks become such authorities
on how I should live my life?
Why do people subscribe so strongly
to bullshit that trumps reason and logic?
Folks fighting so hard to keep me unhinged
All this hate and rage coming my way
Like I'm the true face of all evil
a serial killer
the damn antichrist
a fucking menace
so many things that I am not
and I'm so tired of people treating me this way.
Made me make a vow
to find a way to come back
somehow
Just to make sure
they can't keep doing this to other people
because on the other side
You better believe it's a level playing field.
Best believe darkness won't rule forever.
A spanking is coming....
I am imperfect
I am of certain spiritual gifts
but I am still
Just a man
out here
trying to survive
trying so hard to do the right thing
Struggling to lay a foundation for something special
and it seems this world hates me for that.
When are things going to get easier?
Stop trying to make me this cautionary tale
like I haven't figured out
you treat a man
like he got a disease
you tell a man he has a disease long enough
he might start to believe it.
Gotta crawl out this barrel
so tired but gotta take back this energy
get back the stolen energy
When will Sergio stop giving his energy
to losers who don't deserve it?
some folks so full of negativity
it seems to ooze off them
trying to crawl in me like ants.
Why didn't I notice this before?
got me walking around
spiritual bug spray
on mind and body.
When will you understand
my dreams are
inevitable?
When will those portals open
and all the other Avengers come help
all the rest of us super heroes left standing?
I just want to be loved
me this thing
this soulless automation with a spark
a power
this robot who doesn't act like all the others
so they punish him for it
as they don't understand it
won't understand it.
been stuck in a matrix so long
some with the light forgot they had it
That can't be me.
(Why this tablet sabotaging my typing?)
Where's that reassuring love
dreamt of in this heart of mine?
I just want to make peace with the possibility
it might not ever happen.
No car
not a musclebound
hyper masculine hunk
with a million dollars in the bank.
others won't see any worth in me
and sometimes it hurts
only cuz I stop focusing on my goals
letting those distractions creep in.
Gotta stop letting folks
hiding behind insecurities
lay them on me
like I'm a target.
I just want to
be able to let all the shit folks fling bounce off me.
Maybe other people take this for granted
because
They already have it.
I'm not quite there yet
I just want to be strong enough to
face incoming cars at the bus stop
strong enough to bask in the glow
of my own self worth.
Question is will I need an emotional support animal to do it?
Stay tuned I guess.
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