Confessions of a sad superhero book 101

 I just got home from work. I got off early because I was so upset and devastated over the fact someone walked right into the building and stole my small Asus laptop along with my Steam Deck. Both were set up like they always are and charging because I come in early to relax with some gaming and a cup of coffee before the start of my shift every night. We have a pretty good idea of who took it. I mean we identified a tall white guy on video walking briskly out of the building around 11:30pm. So I made an incident report in our log and then called the police who directed me to a site for making a police report. The Steam Deck was almost $700 in value with a really cool green rubber case on it and my laptop was around $250.00. Its pretty crazy that you spend your life working to survive and you find some things to help you cope and then some individual comes along and wants to take it from you. Back in 2018 someone stole all my luggage along with a laptop,ipad and also my birth certificate and passport which were packed inside. Meanwhile at work someone years ago stole one of my favorite Disney mugs I'd had for years along with the charger for my MSI gaming laptop. It just seems like PEOPLE are always trying to TAKE something from me. Peace of mind. Privacy. Hacking my shit. Social media and I'm pretty convinced someone may have attempted to break into my apartment. The truth is they may have actually succeeded. At this point I am just tired of people. Times like this make me really wish I could go live on an island away from people and their BS. Just before I left the job there were some gathered kids outside and it appeared some crazy situation was brewing. When is it ever not with these kids? Not sure how much sleep I'm gonna get tonight but I think I might eat something and watch some tv to clear my head. There are too many potential security breaches at my job and it does concern me that some folks there migh be too relaxed and forgetful of the fact we have to be vigilante as plenty of people do not like gay folks. The parking gate is constantly left open and folks don't really be watching those cameras as much as they should. It just feels crazy being a security guard and your shit isn't even safe at your job. Recently food getting stolen from the fridge has been a common thing. People have told me that their entire lunches have been taken. Mr. Ninja said someone even went thru his packed lunch and took certain articles of food. I noticed when I looked in the fridge earlier it appeared someone may have even messed around with some of my juices. I have had things taken from the fridge before also. Thanks to all these bumbaclots we can't fucking go anywhere without video cameras watching our every move. Thanks thieves for giving "the man" more incentive to strip away our rights. Really.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 100

 "SURVIVING LOS ANGELES"

PART 1.

Been dreaming again. They are becoming more vivid and its appropriate since my creative juices are re-igniting after a lull. I was in a pretty dark place over the last few months and it really took me awhile to bounce back. A broken heart can do that to you. For some of us who are more emotional and feel everything to a higher degree these things can be dangerous. I was sick. I was depressed and just filled with so much pain and rage over letting myself get into that particular situation. I made alot of mistakes and I do wish I could go back and unmake the past three months but I cannot so therefore I must fight the pain and continue onward. Life isn't always sunny and happy. Sometimes you go thru the most horrifying of torment and eventually you come out of it. Well it certainly helps when you look around at the world and realize how blessed you are because we can forget things can always be worse. Some people out there are going thru some shit that makes my life seem like paradise. This does not escape me. I think its safe to say anyone who is going thru a tough time and things seem too much take a look around at what other people are going thru because it will certainly help you put things in a different perspective. Even if you have some sort of mental disorder you gotta recognize some people are dealing with the absolute unthinkable yet they still go on in this world. Some of the stress I have been dealing with is coming from my job too. We had a lunatic woman here yesterday who kept banging on the door and harassing anyone who crossed her path. It was a truly disturbing situation made even more complex since the police were not really helpful until things started becoming dangerous for anyone who worked or lived in the building. She actually physically assaulted a few people plus she kept trying to come inside. Hell, she even managed to get in a few times. We deal with alot here. I was talking with a Lyft driver the other day about some of the stuff i have experienced and it really hit me we go thru ALOT of stress at this workplace. So its no wonder I think about quitting like every waking moment. It is getting close to that time. Putting dating on the back burner is definitely gonna insulate me from BS but I think its safe to say my nerves need a more peaceful environment so they can properly heal from all the...stuff. Videogames and other entertainment have helped keep me afloat plus focusing on the Sasquatch film project has guided me out of the funk. As we get deeper into pre-production its gotten harder for me to focus on BS. I have said this before but filmmaking is not for the faint of heart. Right now I getting some storyboards made. I think the artist lives outside the US which is probably why I was able to get him for a great price. The currency exchange rate makes many things possible businesswise when working with folks outside the US. I've already dropped a grip of cash for a crowdfunding video we are doing to raise funds for the film. On top of that I gotta get some character designs done. That will probably be done by the cartoonist who did me animated project "Detector Pig" years ago. Lurking in the shadows is a root canal which is scheduled to go down in a couple of weeks. Theres rarely ever a dull moment in my life...

PART 2.

An associate wants me to film him at some fashion show in Oct. I do like taking photos and I think I'm pretty good at it actually. Could be a cool way to make some extra  moolah so I told him yes. I am not 100 percent sure though because I have some trips in mind for later this year. Also I have asked dude several times to help me out on projects and he refused. He also refused to come to Universal with me even though I told him it was on me. Yeah, I know its the "gay thing" that makes some straight guys act peculiar at times. They are uncertain of our intent and I can acknowledge many gay men are a hot nefarious mess and will try to sleep with any man with or without two legs who dares to cross their path. So much of the time I look around and see some of the messed up shit others in the lgbt community subscribe to and it sickens me. It has certainly shifted my views towards a more conservative slant over the last 10 or so years I'll tell you that... So yeah I understand why so many heteros HATE us. Some of us are something else. Not all of us. But others. Whooh! Honestly though there does seem to be a strong feeling of general distrust in the air. The last few years have been pretty out there. Covid. George Floyd. Insurrections and wars. Shootings are still a thing. Just the other day some guy in Texas shot up a family and there was a school shooting also the other day. Others have happened and one of my co-workers was like "Its like you can't even walk down the street anymore" Ever since this pandemic, there has been a heaviness in the air. Its a gloomy fog that has nver really left. I mean we are still wearing masks and ridesharing is still not doing any ridesharing. (Some of us were paranoid about germs before this shit but thats a whole other converstion...)

PART 3. 

5.5.2023

I guess a co-worker is hearing the call of the wild because he just got back after taking some classes so he can get certified for another job. I always try to encourage him because he is good with electronics and videogame related stuff. He's modded some things for me over the years. He doesn't really listen to me though. I mean you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink it. I could work in the videogame industry too I suppose and its certainly time to be looking for a safer saner line of work. The pay here is good and the benefits are dynamite but the areas gotten too crazy. The police seem so limited or not caring when it comes to helping us with these situations which would definitely lessen if a gate were to be erected around the property yet they won't do that. So I'm saving money and focusing on getting my projects done because I'm not planning to stick around here for much longer. My goal is to stick it out till March at least because I don't wanna quit without enough money set aside to tide me over until I get more cashflow coming in. Honestly I dunno...maybe I should consider going to another company even if the pay is lower and the benefits are not so great if its gonna give me a better work environment and peace of mind. My rent isn't high and I don't need alot of money. I think what I really need right now is a change of scenery. Sometimes to get the things you want you have to give up something you have. Anyway, yesterday that certain person I said I wasn't gonna write about who broke my heart came in to work, and when he saw me in one of the rooms here on my computer he came over to spent a few moments with friendly chatting. He seemed different. Well, there seemed to be a kind of glow about him. Was it all in my mind or is somebody getting laid on the regular? Well somebody is taking care of his needs and I guess I'm happy even if its not me. Wasn't meant to be you know. A wise person once said you can't always get what you want. I just am of the mind right now the love of my life is supposed to be my work (Maybe its always been that way) and I have so much catching up to do because I have been neglecting the things that really should be most important to me. Yeah, I am one of those people. I can't bring back lost time but I can work on making up for it while the people I love are still here. As far as my Sasquatch project goes I have hired someone to do storyboards for the film and I hired another artist to do some full body illustrations for me. I'm saving money because the storyboard artist is in another country so due to the currency exchange rate he is willing to work with me on payments. Like I paid $250.00 for thar storyboards and once it was changed to his currency it became almost $500.00. This is why so many people do business outside of the US. The artist doing my illustrations has known me for years and did a cartoon for me a while back so he is willing to give me a great deal. Meanwhile I paid the guy who will be directing the film $500.00 to work with me on a crowdfunding video we will probably shoot in a few weeks. I just need to sit down and get to work on some concepts because all my past crowdfunding efforts fell flat. Who knew it wasn't gonna be easy to get people to give you money? So I am making some power moves. It may be slowly but surely I'll get to where I wanna be.

PART 4.

5.6.2023

"The Evil That Men/Women Do"

A lady who works here at my job that I had a falling out with came into the lobby playing (blasting!) "Backstabbers" by the Ojays. I know she did it on purpose because the song was just starting when she got out of the elevator. 

PART 5.

5.10.2023

Its really getting crazy here in the US with all the shootings that keep happening here. Sunday there was a shooting in Texas at a shopping mall. This was a 30-something-year-old man of Hispanic origins. He apparently harbored some racist ideologies. It is strange but racist tensions between hispanics and black people are not a new thing. There is a far right group called the proud boys and they have been responsible for some violent racist type activities. One of their leaders who is Afro Cuban did some time for burning a Black Lives banner. Of course he's incredibly handsome. Probably could have any woman or man he wants yet this person seems to have this passion inside them for igniting the flames of racial division. I'm starting to wonder if the best thing that could happen for American black folks is for the US government to give us all a one-way ticket to Africa so we can just be away from all this BS. All the racial profiling and uneven playing field held by those unwilling to share the wealth.  There is literally enough money and resources to wipe out poverty in the US but it just  doesn't happen. And in regards to Africa...well I hear they don't exactly love gay folks over there so theres that. 

Why is it that in this crazy insane world people focus so much on doing things to make life more difficult for others instead of dealing with their own issues? I think its a way of running from stuff. There are some other possibilities too. Someone could be making these shooters do these things. Telepathic suggestion? Blackmail or demonic possession? An insane mind that has lost all connection to reality or rationality? Or perhaps this is a perfectly sane mind grasping at one last grand yet ridiculous attempt at recognition. That might actually be the most disturbing possibility. One thing for certain is that all of these shootings were not really happening years ago when I was pre-teen. Something has definitely changed in society that has driven this newer generation towards such extremes and we need to figure out where we went wrong before a wannabe shooter gets their hands on a weapon of mass destruction. Then we will all be in big trouble. Its probably only a matter of time. My scariest nightmare involved me running back and forth all across the world trying to escape from a humanity at war with itself while the rest of the world around them was devastated. 

A few weeks ago I came across a news story about a young black man who was chased and murdered by a bunch of white folks who ended up dismembering his body. Maybe they did this to try and get rid of evidence? I don't know. In my mind I have exacted revenge on people who pissed me off yet never in a million years would I ever take a life. Defending myself when the threat is great is one thing but to actually go out and kill someone creating that huge ripple effect on reality. That is some crazy level madness. I can see wanting to harm someone who has done something horrible to you or a loved one and maybe they deserve it but you are in effect giving some low life the power to ruin your life. Justice and revenge are not the same thing. Its weird logic probably but when someone dies they can't suffer anymore for what they did. Well I guess they can (suffer) but thats another conversation. Point is killing is the quick and easy solution. What if by sparing that person and giving them a chance to change they end up becoming an awesome attribute for society? I'm just saying. This poor kid had his whole life ahead of him and now its just over and the crazy thing is unless a miracle happens we may never know why? When/why did it become so easy for others to take a life? Is it something in the water or is the really the side effect of still emerging technologies?

I know I said I wasn't gonna talk about so and so anymore but we sorta talked the other day. ...And I sorta invited him to Universal Studios with me this coming weekend. Originally I'd planned to go to Detroit to hang out with a buddy for Detroit Comic Con but since my buddy in Detroit is facing a terrible situation with his moms being almost possibly at her deathbed he is not gonna be available understandably. Mr. Ninja even invited me over his place Monday after we talked but I had a sleeping pill in my system so regrettably I declined. Its probably for the best I didn't go. Letting that man have sex with me might affect my ability to think objectively plus its real easy to recall how devastated I was when I realized and accepted I had feelings for someone who can never reciprocate for whatever reasons. I wish I could go back in time because I believe I never should have invited him back to my place that one time when we had "semi-sex". It felt really good and nice but I think because it was so long since I was intimate (Its been years since I've had anyone inside) my emotional state got all convoluted. I just don't want to go back to how devastated I felt understanding I'd been rejected when he stopped making time or calling like he did initially. That whole situation put me in a bad place spiritually so I need to NOT sleep with dude. He is "to have and NOT to hold" Just like that Madonna song from the "Ray Of Light" album. You have to be careful of people like that. Especially when they really know how to put it down in the bedroom. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 99

 (To DJ Ajamu presents Neo Soul The Playlist Vol 2 -YouTube-)

Been dreaming more frequently. This is a good thing and it is certainly because of "M" sessions. Very intense I guess because...well because its been so long since I've been with anyone. I had a half-assed sexual encounter awhile back but was hesitant to go all the way because I was too nervous. It had been a looooooong time for me and I was too tight and apprehensive to continue. Facts. My father once told me something that stuck with me. He said that people can go crazy if they go too long without having sex. As nuts as that sounds I think theres some truth to it. Sexual frustration is a real thing. Its pretty damn powerful actually and when you add to the fact one can get addicted to the pheromonal emissions of certain folks well you could have the potential for a powderkeg situation. Some people canreally get their hooks in you like that Ojays song and its difficult to break free. I suspect this is why some people turn psycho after break-ups and do crazy things. Anyway I feel like I did myself a good one by cold turkey stepping away from dating after one failed attempt too many. Some folks go to Mexico and find themselves a prostitute but me...Ima throw myself into my work. Like Lois Lane says she does when Clark goes away for a long time. Focus on the important stuff. The things and people that matter. Not gonna lie...it has been a long process yet I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Not that kind of light. 

So anyway back to my dream. Dreams. The other day it was a white wolf trying to get in a house to get me and my stepsister. The day before I was on a bus waiting for folks to get back from somewhere. Yesterday it was me in a house and singing the lyrics to that Diana Ross song  "Do you know where you're going to" to someone because they never heard it and turning off a tv and game system to leave. At some point I think we heard machine gun fire outside. Maybe there are some subconscious messages in these dreams or perhaps I really am peering into some alternate universe with a different kind of life for me. I can't say I know for sure. Just like I don't have an answer for why it is I dream so much when most other folks don't seem to dream often or if at all. I mean yeah I'm different. I guess maybe I'm like a omega level telepath who was never trained to use his abilities and so I just have to figure out things on my own because as far as I know there is no Xavier institute. (Well some say there are such places!) But what I can say for sure is that it is almost overbearing living in this world when you are hypersensitive to so much. I wonder how many other people just cracked mentally and physically because of the strain? Probably more sad stories out there than I can imagine... So yeah that would mean I am not the only sad superhero running around out here. Earth Wind and Fire said one day I will find others like me and if that is true I wonder then how much longer will I be waiting? Of course there is always the possibility I've run across them already...

I went to the UPS place near me the other day to drop off my Nintendo Joy Cons. Nintendo fixes them for folks free of charge since so many broke down and they got sued. I also went to the supermarkets near me a few times and did my laundry. Been coming out of my shell so to speak these past few weeks. Hasn't been easy but one can only stay in the house wallowing for so long. You gotta get out and feel the sun or the moon on your head. Your skin. You have to force yourself to face people and the world no matter how scary it can be at times. All over the planet things are happening. Some good things for sure yet at times the bad seems to outweigh the good. Wars in Armenia. Wars in Africa. Shit going on in Haiti. Shit happening in Mexico. All these shootings here in the US. Anti Jewish shit. The trans community is in the news alot these days. Even though I work in the lgbt community and have some trans associates I still feel kinda weirded out by the fact they have basically assimilated into the lgbt community. I mean first it was lgbt then it became lgbtq then it became lgbtq+ and some people are making fun calling us the alphabet community. But lgbt and these other groups...well we have some things in common yet it is the fact society hates us that we banded together. However this unity is something I'm wondering if its imaginary. Some of the things the community is doing or have done are things I don't agree with and in some ways society could be turning against us which could be "undoing" some the things previous generations fought to achieve. Sometimes I feel like I need to start my own community as I don't really feel I fit in with the community. I have always felt like an outsider yet these days its more and more. Initially the lgbt community were heroes in my eyes but things have changed. Now everyone is so easily offended and quick to cancel plus theres so much money moving and politics being thrown around. It is said if one stays a hero long enough the world will see them become a villain. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 98

To: The world is a ghetto (Will Downing classic club mix on youtube)

Yesterday was just like the day before. Couldn't sleep. So I've learned to just embrace it. Fall asleep when I fall asleep. Rent is paid. Went to Staples to ship the defective hard drive back to Amazon. Noticed that Trump has been indicted. What will come of it I wonder. Folks can now carry concealed guns in Florida. Anti-gay laws passed in Uganda. And here I was thinking of moving to Africa. Turns out they don't like us there either. What is us anyway? People who question their sexuality and dare to seek self expression? More self-appointed regulators of society claiming to represent a god none of them have ever seen. Claiming to represent cleanliness when in truth everything that happens in a bedroom is nasty. If you really think about it. Its so very necessary (for some of us) yet its still kinda disgusting. Still dreaming. Creative enthusiasm and motivation returning. My mind is coming back to being me. Healing in so many ways. Getting back into the swing of things and remembering what is important enough to focus on. Mastering the art of just letting go and letting God(?)

---

Random thoughts and introspections on life and thingamajigs.

To: Chilled hip hop and neo soul mix#32 ( Raphael on youtube)

Went outside yesterday.  It was a small thing. To me a giant leap. I needed to return a defective hard drive that wouldn't work on my PC or PS5. It was cool outside as I walked in the sun with my "Nerds" trucker cap on. The one with the holes in it on top to let the sun in. Might have been clocked by a brother as I neared Stapes. Not sure. Never really sure if the look means they are liking what they see or if they're interested in destroying what it is they see.  

Went to Jack In The Box for a chicken Teriyaki bowl. (Said I was cutting down on the fowl yet we all have our cheat days right?) There was a handsome brother there. Kinda reminded me of someone I once knew. It was strange. Well maybe it always is. Being in the presence of something that seems unattainable. Feels like all my sins are laid bare and I can't even look in his direction for long. Why do I let people intimidate me in this fashion? Feels like theres this unintentional exchange of energy that happens you know. Part of me thinks one day I'll go to some far off land to study in the mountains with some guru who will instruct me in the ways of controlling this weird energy or pheremone thing about me. Yeah it does sound "out there".

It was an interesting weekend though. Tried this "date site" turns out its a scam haven. So had to get off there. People be stealing photos and sometimes I feel someone may be out there pretending to be me. Ain't that something. Seems alot of it is coming from "the motherland" but Ima leave that alone. Just be careful on Facebook ya'll... Scammers be so on it...calling me every day never leaving voicemails but texting saying your account is compromised or some crazy ish. Everybody on Instagram now is a personal trainer or a bitcoin expert. 

Meant to do my laundry but that didn't happen. Meant to get groceries. That didn't happen but I resisted the urge to call doordash. Its the small victories that sometimes matter the most eh? Doordash be expensive as hell so trying to cut back. Saving that money because the film. Because...the dentist. Because maybe the move will happen soon. Maybe I need to finally go get those damn glasses. So worried it might make my eyesight worse you know? 

Been playing games and keeping my hand-eye coordination trained up. Posting gameplay videos. In pursuit of the ever-elusive algorithm. Its real I tell you. No tin foil hat here. Well not at this moment in time. Called my buddy about storage. Gotta do something about my clutter. Clutter.com might be the only solution until I get my own house. Called my Sasquatch director. Something I put off for awhile. Was partly due to being sick but also indecisive about what steps to take next. Seems a fundraiser is in order to make this film happen. Seems ironic we might need to give somebody money to help us get somebody to give us money (for our film). Cue the laugh track. But that might be the trick no one tells you about for crowdfunding. 

Stuck here at the desk but not resentful since that means no more patroling for this shift. Also that means I'll miss a 15-minute break. 

It was nice to get outside yesterday. Like it was to go to the beach last week. To go outside and walk around. Strange that things you might have once taken for granted feel like luxuries now. Gifts. The mind bends and stretches from just stuff. Theres scars that might never completely heal and there might always be some anger realizing some of this anxiety was thrust upon me by bad people who oddly enough still effect my life. Yet life goes on no matter how scary and unsettling it might seem at times. What I have learned is that it is much easier to navigate through all this when you have clear goals and objectives.  It also helps if you can be somewhat realistic... 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 97

 We had another shooting the other day. This one was at a school in Tennessee. The shooter, a transgender person was killed by policemen who arrived on the scene. Its crazy that these things just keep happening here in the US. 

In other news it looks like Microsofts acquisition of Activision/Blizzard will go through despite Sony's considerable ploy to block it. The FTC was in Sony's corner but the tables recently turned when Microsoft court ordered some info concerning concerning SOny's business practices over the years. Like we didn't already know Sony was blocking games from other consoles. Now Washington has gotten involved and some new regulations may come about due to some shadey things going on in Japan when it comes to putting games on western consoles.

A co-worker came by to talk with me about colorism because an African guy was giving him hell about being light-skinned. Basically saying he wasn't really black. We ended up getting into an interesting conversation about some of the BS within the black community concerning skin shade. Other cultures deal with this shit too. It's insane to me. Just more unnecessary drama humans conjur up because they have too much time on their hands. I will come back to this later since its time for me to get off work... 

Later:

I remember years ago I was talking with some guy on the phone named "Dre". Now i'm convinced that was a fake name but anyway dude was like "Man you probably don't wanna go out with somebody dark skinned" and I was really surprised to hear him say that. Due to some fallout from slavery there has always been this weird thing with some black folks about skin shade. The white folks would keep the light complected folks in the house and treat them better. They were the "house niggers" and the drak skinned folks were often treated like shit and made to work outside. Probably in the fields and doing grunt work. They were the "field niggers" So that developed some animosities betwixt the skin shades. Yeah, its stooopid. People always gotta be on some dumb ass shit. Even in other cultures darker skin folks or more "ehnic" folks get treated some kinda way by their brethren. I'm so glad that I was never taught these things nor do I have that funky DNA or spiritual residue inside me that makes me act indifferent toward someone because of something like their skin color or race. I was actually raised mostly by darker skinned folks. My Grandma was dark on my mothers side and so was my Great Grandma. My fathers mother was light and I know she often went out of her way to protect me from BS. She understood I was "different" more sensitive than the others from the litter I guess. Maybe smarter too but I digress. I recall one day at one job I worked at this kinda hot bro was saying because i was light skinned white folks treat me better and things are easier. I was like...uhhhhh NOPE. I still get followed around in stores. Sometimes stopped and searched by cops. White folks sometimes seem to get all weird and nervous around me. Even other gay folks but thats probably because of misconceptions brought on by movies and tv. The 10 oclock news or simply not really having any black friends. Then again if you don't "act gay" enough some other gay folks don't really seem to know how to process you. Thats a whole other conversation though. 

So you got light-skinned families that won't date dark-skinned folks because they wanna keep it light. Light skin. "Good hair" and exotic-colored eyes. All that jazz. Some light skinned folks act "super black" to overcompensate because they don't wanna get treated or perceived a certain way. Then you have dark skinned folks who feel superior to light-skinned folks and would never get with them outside of fucking because they look at us a certain kinda way. Its all kind of ways fucked up and it makes me sad because...well its not like we don't already have shit to worry about. We catch hell from society in general also then we turn around we do it to ourselves too. But then again self-hate is the elephant in the room as far as I'm concerned. Just look at our neighborhoods and how frequently we kill our own. Shit trickles downstream.

It is also a reality that some black folks from other countries treat or view American black folks some kinda way. Some call us lazy and some just wanna take advantage of us because they think we are loaded. But many of us are actually one paycheck away from the street due to the cost of living. I am constantly getting hit up by guys from Nigeria or Ghana. Some of these guys will act all friendly then try to scam you. Its gottan so bad i automatically don't wanna trust anyone form these areas that approach me.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 96

 I had another interesting dream yesterday. Might have been influenced by something weird I saw on Youtube. In my dream, I was in a car riding thru a forest on a dirt road with someone when I saw a long giant black and white colored snake. 

I was irritable at work this morning. It was because I notice wt times when I call out for my break others will opt to call out for theirs seconds later forcing me to have to wait. There are so many things that co-workers do and honestly most of the time I say nothing because I know nothing will come out of it. Guess we all break the rules sometimes but not having consideration or respect for the people you work with can cause a toxic work environment because folks end up resenting working with you. Sometimes folks might even stay home because they loathe this shit. A Lyft driver said something once that helped me cope with work habits of other people. You just can't expect other folks to have the same work ethics as you. No point in getting upset. Just worry about yourself. They say one way of alleviating stress at work is to "silently quit" That is come in and do the least amount of work possible. My thing is I am usually stressing out because of worry about getting in trouble. Since "the incident with the N" things have been kinda janky with me because it put the spotlight on me. Truthfully this may be something I can never fix. Just thinking about that is stress in and of itself. 

I think sometimes when people look at you and you seem to be doing okay they wanna in some ways come for you or mess with you. It might even be on a sub-conscious level when they are doing these things. It is now I am really understanding why some people come to work and refuse to engage with others.  You don't want people to dislike you or consider you a conceited jerk but man so many humans are just MESSY.  

Speaking of messy...this damn cold is sure taking its time clearing up. I'm blowing my nose frequently and all I did yesterday was stay in bed ALL DAY. Literally. I'd drank some knock-off Nyquil so that surely contributed. I think my mind is so cluttered right now. I'm torn between re-writing the Sasquatch script because of some new inspirations and we're supposed to be having a meeting this weekend. Meanwhile things have really slowed with my comics since the big man moved and needed to focus on getting situated. Nothing has happened for well over six months now and I'm still waiting on lettering for many of the pages with finished and colored art. Its my goal to hang in here awhile longer to save more money but it seems like the solution to my time management is quitting so I can focus on this stuff. It is certainly with risks but I could catch up on so much if I had about three months of being able to write freely without having to worry about work,bills or some of the other stressful things that typically draw my attention.  Just pause all the BS. Yeah, I know...be careful what you wish for.

All the Reasons To Break Up. (Or walk away)

You don't make enough money.

You're too light.

Too dark.

Not light enough.

Not dark enough.

Don't like your car.

Don't like your dog/cat/other

Bad credit.

Not educated enough.

Not enough muscles.

Too many muscles.

Too normal.

Not normal enough.

Yo ass too "out there".

Shave damnit!

Get your head out of the clouds and (fill in the blank) like everybody else.

Can't roller skate backward.

Wrong race.

Wrong religion.

Don't drive.

Too short.

Too tall.

Too skinny.

Wrong zodiac.

Too far away.

Can't dance.

Smart a$$.

Dumb azzzz.

Intimidation factor(s)

Don't like your taste in music.

Too fem.

Too masculine.

Too overweight.

Bad sex skills/experiences.

Long nails.

Stank cologne.

Don't have their own place.

Smoker.

Politics.

Youse a celebrity.

Youse a cop.

Youse a snitch/rent a cop (security)

Damn nosey press(!)

Broke ass n*gga

Rich ass n*gga

Too "small"

Too "NOT small!"

No junk in the trunk.

Bad fashion sense.

Family no likey.

You low status foo!

You play videogames? Salutes or tips hat. (melts into the shrubbery)

Where you from?!?

Stankin!

Yo profession is wack.

I heard a rumor.

Too pretty. (or smell too good)

Unpretty.

Medical issues.

I'm DL. You're not.

Scared of commitment.

You are too close to home.

Whatever the reason is you never find out and you  think its you buts its really not.

They a HO.

(I'm not sure if I left anything out but I feel like maybe I did.) 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 95

-A rainy night at work and this cold is going kicking and screaming out the door.-

Dream Journal Entry: (From Yesterday)

I was at a house with my good friend Lymonicus and we were staying at the home of an older man and woman. Also another guy was there. The man and younger guy were having a playful argument about food or rather about the other guy going to get ingredients to make breakfast and cakes(?) apparently. The older man didn't believe going to the store was necessary. He seemed confident he had all the needed ingredients. I was very comfortable and relaxed here which I never really am relaxed like that around ANYONE. I wanted to go the amusement park King's Dominion and Lymonicus suggested I ask Anna my half sisters sister. I went walking at some point and kinda got lost finding my way back. I walked down a long road through a neighborhood and past a cool looking store. Seems I needed to move stuff in some folks yards at some points to proceed. During the dream while I was at the house with Lymonicus I was sitting holding something. Not really sure as its fuzzy on the brain. Could have been a notebook(?) 

This was a particularly vivid dream. Very warm and comforting even. Also this dream occurred after I broke off my nearly two week fast from "self pleasure" I thought that J/K sessions helped me have more dreams and this does seem true but the dreams still come while abstaining. They just don't seem as vivid or frequent. Why is that? I don't know. One thing I can say is I can definitely feel a decrease in energy. Maybe its worth noting is the more self pleasure the more sexual desire seems to awaken and the longer the abstaining the more intense the sessions are. One day I will go back and check on these notes because I'm trying to learn more about how my mind works. And also I'm keeping these records of things because someone else might be able to benefit from this knowledge for all I know. Better to share or whats the point of learning anything. 

Life Stuff...

You know who called me the other day. It was a surprise because I really wasn't sure if I'd hear from him anytime soon. We talked and it was nice. Turns out he was sick and hasn't been back to work for a week. Admittedly I am aware just like with Captain Africa that I can't let myself get too accustomed to this. What I mean to say is...well after all I went through weaning myself from contact what has happened is I don't really mind going long periods without contact anymore you know. I've gotten used to doing without. (like Stephanie Mills said)  It happens. What else can one do right? 

So once in awhile I might pick up the phone to call, and check on folks but in the back of my mind I just don't expect these people to be available. (I mean when I was at my lowest where were they?) Indeed. 

It is funny though some folks will sometimes show you more attention when they sense you are pulling away. I just can't. Not gonna put much thought into things either. Things are starting to heat up with me creatively and I don't have it in me to chase after relationships. I feel like I am playing a game trying to figure you out and I am too tired so Ima chill.

I don't wanna become like you so pardon me if I keep my distance. I can't become jaded and cynical and stifle who I am. If I start catching feelings again you'll just cut me off again anyway so yeah been down that road. 

I don't hate you but I can't love you either.

What a predicament.

Maybe I gave you too much credit

with that brilliant mind

that reserved masculine swagger

and a (well hidden by clothes!) musculature which is unyielding in passion.

Still...I don't think I belong in your world brother. 

I think it best I not write anything about you for a GOOD while. Please understand.

Maybe I should just find a cool sex partner and keep my feelings out of it. I wonder sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if in another universe Sergio has some gay folk angry/bewildered at him because he up and got himself a girlfriend and a cool kid. Sometimes. Because I swear dealing with guys is...like trying to put a square peg in a circle. Yeah I said that. I have heard stories about trans people who changed their minds and went back. I wonder just how many stories are there out there about gay men who decided to try dating women because they realized the chances of finding a Mr. Right were pretty nonexistent. I'm just saying I'd like to read some of those stories. And no I have never been with a woman sexually. Plenty of chances have popped up sure but its not something that has really interested me. People pressured me when I was a youngin to get a girlfriend and I did it just to shut them up. Why do people do that though? Pressure you to be with a girl or to get laid? I have heard stories about people that will become so determined to see you laid that they will label you as gay and try to beat you up if they can't confirm you did it. What the hell is wrong with people? Its like they are on a mission to "save" your sex life. 

Its something that my mind flashes back to this cute religious guy I met many moons ago in NC. One night while over my place he kept going on about how he gave up "the sin" but just being near me was such a powerful temptation. He made me feel like I had some crazy affliction and just by being near me he was in danger of being affected. There was a time I believed being gay was a sin or evil. Being gay or anything really is a responsibility you can either take on respectfully or pervert through your own actions. So yeah I definitely have my issues with the lgbt community but I do not believe GOD has a problem with us. Maybe with those of us that abuse the gifts we have been given but...that is a topic for a later conversation I think plus lunch break is over.