To: The world is a ghetto (Will Downing classic club mix on youtube)
Yesterday was just like the day before. Couldn't sleep. So I've learned to just embrace it. Fall asleep when I fall asleep. Rent is paid. Went to Staples to ship the defective hard drive back to Amazon. Noticed that Trump has been indicted. What will come of it I wonder. Folks can now carry concealed guns in Florida. Anti-gay laws passed in Uganda. And here I was thinking of moving to Africa. Turns out they don't like us there either. What is us anyway? People who question their sexuality and dare to seek self expression? More self-appointed regulators of society claiming to represent a god none of them have ever seen. Claiming to represent cleanliness when in truth everything that happens in a bedroom is nasty. If you really think about it. Its so very necessary (for some of us) yet its still kinda disgusting. Still dreaming. Creative enthusiasm and motivation returning. My mind is coming back to being me. Healing in so many ways. Getting back into the swing of things and remembering what is important enough to focus on. Mastering the art of just letting go and letting God(?)
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Random thoughts and introspections on life and thingamajigs.
To: Chilled hip hop and neo soul mix#32 ( Raphael on youtube)
Went outside yesterday. It was a small thing. To me a giant leap. I needed to return a defective hard drive that wouldn't work on my PC or PS5. It was cool outside as I walked in the sun with my "Nerds" trucker cap on. The one with the holes in it on top to let the sun in. Might have been clocked by a brother as I neared Stapes. Not sure. Never really sure if the look means they are liking what they see or if they're interested in destroying what it is they see.
Went to Jack In The Box for a chicken Teriyaki bowl. (Said I was cutting down on the fowl yet we all have our cheat days right?) There was a handsome brother there. Kinda reminded me of someone I once knew. It was strange. Well maybe it always is. Being in the presence of something that seems unattainable. Feels like all my sins are laid bare and I can't even look in his direction for long. Why do I let people intimidate me in this fashion? Feels like theres this unintentional exchange of energy that happens you know. Part of me thinks one day I'll go to some far off land to study in the mountains with some guru who will instruct me in the ways of controlling this weird energy or pheremone thing about me. Yeah it does sound "out there".
It was an interesting weekend though. Tried this "date site" turns out its a scam haven. So had to get off there. People be stealing photos and sometimes I feel someone may be out there pretending to be me. Ain't that something. Seems alot of it is coming from "the motherland" but Ima leave that alone. Just be careful on Facebook ya'll... Scammers be so on it...calling me every day never leaving voicemails but texting saying your account is compromised or some crazy ish. Everybody on Instagram now is a personal trainer or a bitcoin expert.
Meant to do my laundry but that didn't happen. Meant to get groceries. That didn't happen but I resisted the urge to call doordash. Its the small victories that sometimes matter the most eh? Doordash be expensive as hell so trying to cut back. Saving that money because the film. Because...the dentist. Because maybe the move will happen soon. Maybe I need to finally go get those damn glasses. So worried it might make my eyesight worse you know?
Been playing games and keeping my hand-eye coordination trained up. Posting gameplay videos. In pursuit of the ever-elusive algorithm. Its real I tell you. No tin foil hat here. Well not at this moment in time. Called my buddy about storage. Gotta do something about my clutter. Clutter.com might be the only solution until I get my own house. Called my Sasquatch director. Something I put off for awhile. Was partly due to being sick but also indecisive about what steps to take next. Seems a fundraiser is in order to make this film happen. Seems ironic we might need to give somebody money to help us get somebody to give us money (for our film). Cue the laugh track. But that might be the trick no one tells you about for crowdfunding.
Stuck here at the desk but not resentful since that means no more patroling for this shift. Also that means I'll miss a 15-minute break.
It was nice to get outside yesterday. Like it was to go to the beach last week. To go outside and walk around. Strange that things you might have once taken for granted feel like luxuries now. Gifts. The mind bends and stretches from just stuff. Theres scars that might never completely heal and there might always be some anger realizing some of this anxiety was thrust upon me by bad people who oddly enough still effect my life. Yet life goes on no matter how scary and unsettling it might seem at times. What I have learned is that it is much easier to navigate through all this when you have clear goals and objectives. It also helps if you can be somewhat realistic...
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