Confessions of a sad superhero book 51

 It has been a minute. I guess I needed time to sort out my thoughts so I could put them into words here. Or perhaps I was lazy. About three weeks ago I did my laundry and "somebody" put a bloody rag with shit stains on it in the dryer with my clothes so that messed with me for awhile. I told my manager and she brushed it off as just somebody being negligent or forgetful but I know differently. As clueless and bewildered as my neighbors act I surmise somebody in the family or a close friend of theirs is just determined to keep stirring the shit up with us to lead to some sort of confrontation. As it is I am constantly watched thru their peephole when I leave or enter my apartment. There have been times when something was thrown at me when I walked outside. Also I've been yelled at and it seemed to come from across the street or on the rooftop. Now just try to imagine living with this type of thing for about twenty years. Imagine coming home stressed out from work and feeling like you are literally under siege and unable to have privacy or peace. I swear at times I can feel nasty negative energy coming from next door. yesterday when I sat downstairs in the laundry roomwashing and drying my clothes (closely watching for obvious reasons) I noticed a feeling of peace I scarcely feel in my apartment these days. Even at work as chaotic as it can be I feel more at home than I do at home so much of the time. It has been a struggle at times to claw myself out of darkness. It does help having my videogames, music and comics and projects to keep me focused. I think that if it were not for these things I might have snapped by now. I'm certain anyone else would have. I realize in some ways I am alot stronger than most people even if it may not seem like it. All of this started because one day I asked this little Bangladesh girl to stop throwing about a million pieces of paper in front of the doorway. Another older girl who was with her told me to mind my business. I was like "How can you just let this happen right here in front of your home?" From that day I have caught hell from these people. That day was sometime between 97-99. I come home and pretty much have been staying inside trying to not put myself in a situation for a confrontation. Especially since these people are constantly going in and out of their apartment all times of the day and night. This staying inside and hardly going anywhere well it pretty much started around Covid season. I've kinda started to come out of the funk. The mind tries to heal you know from trauma but its not easy when the wound just keeps getting open or somebody throws salt on it. In all my life I have experienced hate and evil but what I have endured from this situation...I don't even have words for it. Its an enemy who is cunning,twisted and careful enough not to ever get caught or leave a trace of their actions. They will hold and keep a grudge going even after many years. Could be mentally ill and it could be more than one individual. What is the end goal? Make me move? Make me turn into a six o'clock story? Another crazy black man on a rampage. They have called the cops on me and stolen my mail. They have spat on my door. Stolen my laundry. Someone even put soiled panties in my laundry years ago. If I could ever find solid proof of this stuff I'd have a hell of a lawsuit. Mostly I don't think they will ever stop trying to break me. But technology is evolving to the point where if they keep it up they will end up exposing themselves. My manager says she is trying to get more video cameras installed in the building so Ima just continue ignoring foolishness and living my life whilst karma just keeps gathering her momentum.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 50

 Got a text from my therapist yesterday. She said we can go back to weekly sessions. I'm not sure I need them anymore because I've been figuring out alot on my own but I guess it can't hurt. I'll just have to see if she does in fact CALL. (sigh) To be fair she has been thru alot since catching Covid last year. Anyhow....

Had a dream yesterday in the morning after playing Concrete Genie on my PS5. (The other day I had one after playing Gravity Rush) In the dream this beautiful brown skinned bro was being with me and I noticed he only had half a penis. Dude told me when he was a kid he had this horrific accident where a refrigerator fell on his privates. I really liked him though and was interested in staying with him in possibly developing something. He really reminds me of this cute guy I met years ago at a club or outside a club in Noho. He had recently gotten out of jail or prison. Brown-skinned and VERY muscular. He had his hair in a do-rag kind of getup. I would later see his hair was VERY long. I think he said his name was Kendall. He had this smell that was familiar. It wasn't an unpleasant scent don't get me wrong. It was cleanish but not overly perfumey like most guys smell nowadays. Its a fact that natural scents can be extremely intoxicating yet many folks cover it all up with colognes and stuff. Go figure. Kendalls scent kinda reminds me of this hot bro named Charles I once got down with but his penis was waaaaay too big. Its crazy now that I still think of  that and wished that I'd let him just as I sometimes wish I'd let a dude named Ray penetrate me but dude was gigantic and came before he could even really try to enter me. This was all a looooong time ago. I have said this many times that i wish I could go back in time because there were some cool guys I really could have had something with. Really now when I think of dating its a passing thought. Why? So much to do in my life. So many things to make right or better you know? I'm not ugly but no one calls or flirts with me. Online I feel invisible next to all the images we're all constantly bombarded with. All these dudes with perfect bodies. Perfect jobs and cars. Perfect smiles. So much in the way of thirst traps. Some say the majority of these guys are going home alone. I dunno. Having those looks and muscles is certainly power even if many seem pretty bland on the inside. One would think with all the Covid mess going on folks are scared to have sex. I haven't even bothered to try and have sex with anyone for years. Masturbation helps but theres a part of me that wonders back to the time when a need for sex was mostly non-existant. Part of me wonders really wonders if this is IT and the days of me being in a real committed intimate relationship are over. I've actually thought about what it would be like to find a male prostitute. I'm being completely honest. I don't receive any type of attention from anyone. The Captain rarely if ever calls. A dude in Nigeria basically cut me off when I admitted to him I had feelings for "The Captain" even though I was willing to try and work with him on helping him move to the US. Still after looking at more of his photos I deduced maybe we are not all that compatible after all. I mean I think he's mostly sexy and all but sometimes I don't. He's kinda skinny and might have man boobs. Man boobs can be fixed so. So can my stomach thats been sticking out much more than I'm comfortable with. Thinking of going on a fast or drastically changing my diet. Honestly. 

Some folks from my past (friends) have attempted to reach out to me. I feel that some of these people I have outgrown and need to let them go. I'm just trying to be careful. 

The supervisor at work who got on me last week for my computer gave us coffee cards from Starbucks the other day. He can tell something is up because I don't really have anything to say to him. Guess he's now a trigger for me. Something to remind me I need to really get serious about focusing on being my own made man type individual. Working for me. Calling my own shots. Not  having people younger than me or not smarter than me telling me what to do. Controlling my life. Other folks writing my checks. The writing is on the wall. Social security is NOT gonna be enough to take care of most of us yet most of us...well most didn't get the memo.   Update: He later in the week brought us pizza. 

Did go to the meeting. The meeting at my job about the new contract. Not gonna lie....after sitting there and having them explain everything to me and break it down and seeing how much I make every year when my taxes were done I realized something....I could finance THE FILM I REALLY WANNA MAKE. I can. Getting funding and sponsors would help but if I save more diligently I can make alot of stuff happen. If I can be patient plus avoid getting into trouble at work and fucking everything up. What with the mask mandates going away next week its likely that there will be more job opportunities out here too. Perhaps even within fields that actually give my creative muscles flexxing. So I've gotta look around more at things and really understand I am not trapped in this situation because there are other options. Even if its outside the security field. But to be totally honest I doubt if I take another gig somewhere else that I will get the same pay and benefits package I get here. Take into account I have been here for 15 years.

Might go to the doctor today for a strange breakout I have on my hands. Alos need to see if somethng can be done for pain I'm getting in my back and feet. Sometimes my legs. Need to go get my eyes checked again also not to mention the root canal thing. Seems like there's always something, doesn't it?

Seems my nephew is getting married and they sent me an invite. I haven't answered it yet. Why? Well really I need to sit down and look at it and carefully mull it over. Thing is I'm not particularly close with him and since I'm gonna be cutting down on my spending every dime spent will be after careful consideration if its outside of necessities. I was gonna go see "The Captain" but after seeing him go so much time without calling and those "thirst trap" photos he's posted on social media I think its safe to say his attention lies elsewhere. I'm not stupid but there may come a day when he regrets not paying more attention to Sergio. He graduates this year. I did so want to be there but mostly the part of me that cares is fading. Why should I invest emotional energy into someone who is emotionally unavailable? That dream I had yesterday...that feeling of someone wanting me....a warm strong brown sugar body laying next to me. I can even smell that dream guy. Who is he? Does he exist in this universe, this reality and timeframe? Sometimes I feel like he has died and his spirit lingers around at times attempting to reach me when he's built enough strength the pierce the ether for whatever reason. Is my life really a romantic tragedy then?

Confessions of a sad superhero book 49

 I just woke up from a dream that felt truly transformational. The same classical music I'm hearing right now on classical KUSC was playing as I flew high among trees and structures avoiding things beneath me  in the water. Octopus tentacles laying in wait to grab if I got too close and I was sort of softly gliding almost having to push myself off from touching against some trees or structures. All the time I was thinking of my grandma Mary's house whilst thinking of my grandma Cora as I slowly yet in a fast way made my way to the house that belonged to my Grandma Mary. I'd played Gravity Rush on my PS5 before going to sleep much earlier than usual because I plan to attend a meeting at the job this morning. All this weekend thoughts of my job have weighed heavy on my mind since Saturday morning at work a supervisor went off on me because he caught me playing games on my laptop. It was shocking because I'd never seen dude so serious before plus the fact of it being late and quiet and absolutely nothing was going on. He came in the lobby and his eyes were fixated with blazing hate on my laptop. It was like he became another person and not the kind gentle person he usually seemed to be. He definitely was not the same person who once brought me a red bull from 7/11. He'd changed in an instant into someone else as I opened the gate with a button to let out someone who'd just gotten off from another department. It was as if I was reminded how in any moment someone can suddenly changed and then you understand all too well you never knew them and they are not your friend. You are reminded that you do not belong "there" anymore. It makes me think again of a certain officer who nearly got me fired months ago. Even with him gone the spectre of his crazy energy remains. Crazy energy of a man I'd actually fallen for. The supervisor told me he did not want to see "that" anymore. He told me I needed to put it away. I think he said he wasn't going to say anything as I hastily shut my computer down and tried to explain this wasn't affecting my job performance. I am so good at multitasking at work and it helps keep me focused. Especially games and music or reading. It helps me feel HOME yet that morning I was reminded THIS IS NOT MY HOME. Deep down inside it began to build inside me into the crescendo it is now. I think its safe to say at that moment in time it was time for me to give my notice to leave. So like I planned as my New Years Resolution I have set a date to leave. Before I said it was gonna be when my comic I'm working on with Argo Comics is done but I can do better than that. I'm tired and my spirit is tired of feeling like a little boy scared he's gonna get in trouble. I'm tired of feeling like people not smarter than me and often younger than me have control over my life. I feel like I have been a slave for too long and its time to break free. I think somehow my ancestors have reached out to me across the cosmos of all existence to touch my being because they could sense I am troubled with a decision which can change the path of my life. So when will I quit my job? I'm thinking today when I go in to the meeting I will let my higher ups know.

2:50 am.

So dude was like "Do you wanna talk about it?" I told him I was okay. Obviously I was pissed. I said "I think its something how this is such a big deal when other people do so much worse and get away with it" I mean....people scratch or take the detex bar codes we are supposed to scan. Its been happening for years and nothing is ever done about it. I went home an hour late Saturday because of a person who has been pulling this nonsense for years. He was late. We couldn't reach him. Other folks do stuff too and I'm not gonna go into it because I might be typing for a long time. But I see this stuff happening. It makes me feel some kind of way. I try my best to do my job. Even with the anxiety and the constant feeling of danger from working in that area. But just as before with another supervisor who came for me while ignoring others transgressions. Recently some higher ups have began to recognize the work and dedication of guards but still many of us feel unappreciated. Dude mentioned that others have mentioned me playing games. That made me feel like no matter how much I try to do my job I have this mark or stigma against me. Mostly that makes me feel like I gotta leave to wipe the slate clean because nothing I'm doing is working to erase whatever bias you have against me. I may not be a perfect worker but over the last 15 years I have become a pretty good security guard. I'm dependable plus I actually care about my job. I believe in what the center stands for. I really do but the reality hit me like a sack of soda cans. I have outgrown that place and its time for me to fly free from the chains. I gotta take that leap from the tree branches. In order for me to grow in character and confidence I need to be more independant and free to be as creative as I can be. The environment....maybe even this apartment and city have served their purpose and its time to move on. Seems all my life I have been following someone elses orders and afraid of getting in trouble if I step out of line and speak up about how I truly feel. I'm tired of being sub serviant (hopefully I spelled that right) I might even need to cut off dude in North Dakota for awhile regardless of how he's gonna take it because in all seriousness I'm doubting if he ever really cared for me the way I care for him. He's holding me back and I....I might be blocking my blessings by focusing on him. I send him gifts. I try to help him out with his kids sometimes but I don't know if its because he has someone else or if its just him having to crunch in school but whatever the case....as they say...."He's just not that into you" So Ima get up. Brush my teeth. Ima shower and get me some coffee and head off to that meeting and think of what I'ma say after we have worked out the details of this new contract. I NEED to let them know I will be leaving soon. Just thinking that I feel some sense of freedom. I know Ima need to cut back. Might need to say bye bye to Netflix,Hulu and Amazon....for awhile but some things are luxuries we can do without....

3:12am.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 48

 I wish my parents had taught me more about the importance and respect of money. I went to get my taxes done and yesterday and it really made me regret not being more diligent in saving. I mean now I get it (Just noticing this guy on camera here walking his goat outside) but it seems the real way to save money is to leave Cali. The cost of living here is so high. I need to set a date for moving I guess. Meanwhile I did set a date for leaving this job. It'll be when my comic is done. Time to take a break from Cali....

I went to the dentist and they told me I need 11 grand worht of work done and folks are telling me to go to Mexico but I need to replace the passport that villain stole from me back in 2018. Yet another case of a stupid human coming along and throwing my life into chaos. 

Its not been easy but I realize I've suffered fools. Falling for folks. Caring for folks who really don't care about me. Recently I decided I'm just gonna be better to myself in that regard. The idea of dating  and having a social life is nice yet its something that seems best put on hold for awhile. Folks are distant. I try to connect but nothing. Co-workers are distant. But maybe its something you know....about not letting yourself get too close to people at work. Could be one of those departmental things. You know....folks from ceratin departments only really associating with others in their department. I have noticed though some people with certain characteristics will be stand-offish. Of course I am aware there are rumors going around. Not that its my business right? People are gonna speculate about you when they don't understand you or if they might be intimidated by you having that magic or whatever it is you have that they don't. So I won't really be learning too much in the way of social interaction skills from these people who have no intention of interacting with me. Not to say I have learned nothing by observing people. 

Now that I am getting finished storyboards and edging towards completion of artwork for my comic its boosting my disposition... I get a good feeling of accomplishment just looking and seeing progress is being made in some area of my life. I've still not decided on what I will call my comic book anthology. Guess thats something I can work on this weekend. Was planning on going to see "Captain Liberia" next month but Ima put that on the back-burner. Instead what I'd like to do is start figuring out how I'm gonna do this video game discussion thing I've been mulling over these past few years. I have some ideas. Thought I  would show videogame play and discuss things with guests yet it doesn't appear anyone is interested so it'll likely just be me. I suspect I'll try to start something in Feb. Still not sure about this videogame production idea though....

I got chewed out by someone who was waiting to get let out of the garage. I mean it felt like....well I felt like a little child being scolded and I am soooo tired of feeling like an underling who is constantly at the mercy of someone and in danger of getting in trouble. I feel more like a responsible adult with some control when I am more in control over my life. But thing is this particular guy gives me a strange vibe. Like the person who smiles at you but somehow deep down inside you can tell they are a snake. 

Maybe someone I know is a secret asshole. Thats a person who is nice to you but mean to other folks. But there was that one time I saw them upset about something that happened with their work schedule. I saw a side of them that shocked me actually. Then just recently someone complained about how badly this particular person treated them. People can be totally different with you than how they are with others. Like the person who chewed me out...its probably safe to say he wouldn't have come at me the way he did if I was his supervisor or the person who signs his checks. Its dawning on me that I have never really experienced that kind of power over others. Seems folks always have the power and its messing with my development. My confidence. I'm not a child and I think I'm done feeling like one. I think well I know this type of job isn't doing any wonders for my self-esteem. I'm becoming aware of certain things contributing to me behaving a certain way. Being afraid to speak up for oneself does put you in a pretty messed up situation and some would abuse that power and treat you some kind of way especially if they feel you are beneath them because of what you do for a living. Every now and then I get reminded of that. Update: I just found out I am not the only person who has had run-ins with the person who chewed me out like I work for them. 

Update: Dude actually came back and apologized. That was cool and unexpected. Believe me I can count on one hand how many times people have ever apologized to me for anything. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 47

 "Triggers"

This morning on my way home from work I ran across the street because it looked as if my bus was coming. This brother I noticed saw me and seems he ran across the street too. It was weird because I was pretty sure out the corner of my eye I saw someone follow me but I was just trying to stay focused on the bus. I glanced over and noticed the guy there behind me so he goes "You got any cigarettes?" I said no. Then he goes something like "Ain't that some shit?" It was one of those weird situations as I really wasn't sure what dude wanted but I immediately went into "sentry mode" since i didn't know why dude chose to follow me if that was indeed what was going on. So he was sort of a trigger for me I guess. He even got on the bus behind me and seemed to want something as we went to get seats. He was kinda dark....a bit taller than me. Seemed kinda skinny and homeless-ish. He wore a polyester-type summer jacket. When I got off the bus and told the driver thank you like I usually do dude said "thank you" too. People are so weird sometimes. 

I came in to work tonight and after a spirited conversation with a co-worker about a game system I showed him I'd just gotten I went to the conference room in the back that I always hang out in and play video games till the start of my shift. This heavy set dude who is somewhat fem and seems to have a problem with me no matter how friendly I am to him was in the room. He had the door closed so I knocked before entering. I made a joke asking if he was naked before entering after I'd asked if it was okay to come in. Too edgy? Anyway dude jetted up out of the room and then tonight after leaving the building with another person who was very friendly and well mannered he simply looked past me as if I wasn't even there. So that was a trigger from the get go. I'm wondering whats going on with dude and if somebody said something about me behind my back to make him behave a certain kind of way towards me. Let me get one thing straight....I was raised to speak to folks and then there's stuff like holding the door open for folks or covering my mouth when I cough or sneeze. So it bothers me when people are just plain nasty or rude. Ask me again why over the years I have learned its best to stay the hell away from people because so many of them are fucked up and contact with so many fucked up folks in the past is part of why I have so many issues. Yeah I said THAT. Its crazy to understand you need contact with people to be a social being yet so many of them are so mean and full of shit it can be difficult to weed out who is or isn't worth your time. 

Its said many of us have "triggers". It can be a sound. It can be a smell or something somebody says then you just go to a different space. I've had instances where something someone said or did ruined my day because it just stuck with me. Negative energy just shot through my body and the adrenalin started flowing and it took like forever for me to come down from that shit. Could be something you might think is small or silly yet to someone else it could be a spirit crushing epic event. I remember talking to Captain Liberia awhile back about negative minded mean spirited folks and he said something interesting about how in certain job fields certain personality traits would not be tolerated. Just makes me wonder about the class of individuals I have so much contact with and why it can be so hard to find success. Negativity. Close mindedness. Naysayers. Crabs in a bucket so to speak. I've noticed at times I can be enthusiastic about something and another person can simply cut me or dismiss my ideas. I try to be careful about letting others influence me because I think it can be an easy thing you know? Enough critics say a movie or song is bad or what someone is wearing sucks then people tend to jump on board. Why do so many of us do things we do? Are we simply reacting and its something we do so often since we are used to it? This "triggers" thing goes very deep indeed. A guy once told me I think too much and I do wonder if a segment of the population is afraid of those of us who dare to ask questions. But if I am afraid to ask and learn as much as I can doesn't that limit my development as a sentient being?

Confessions of a sad superhero book 46

Went to the dentist yesterday and had my mind blown by how much its gonna cost even with insurance to get work done. I need implants. I need caps. Also I need to get a root canal done. All of this adds up to 11 thousand dollars. Talk about depressing. Speaking of  "the D word" I don't know whats been wrong with me lately....just been feeling so fatigued and in a funk. Videogames and other stuff helps don't get me wrong but mentally I keep feeling sluggish. Its as if someone has somehow snatched all the joy away. Well not all of it. I manage to bounce back but lately its been stronger than usual. So often I've just wanted to stay in bed. I'm still working on cleaning up my place. Been making some baby steps. 

I'm fighting a war with roaches. I have so many traps and devices to combat these ultimate pests but they seem to be coming from some other apartments. They reproduce so quickly and have so many babies its almost impossible to get rid of them. Throwing the trash out and using plastic bags for everything is a must. I've even had to put some of my electronic devices in plastic bags for protection. An ultrasonic device I have supposedly hurts them but the other night while I was sitting in bed one crawled on me so probably the damn thing isn't working. I mean I have superhuman hearing and I don't hear ANYTHING. We have to be careful about water too. Like if you wash your hands try not to leave droplets at the sink and they also drink from the toilets or bathtubs. So I learned to place traps near the water sources and to pour bleach in the toilet. Sometimes you can use ajax or comet with bleach. They eat soap and cardboard so theres that to worry about. Its crazy but this may be the one thing which eventually makes me move out of the apartment. Rent is cheap and its a cool location yet its bothersome having to deal with this shit on top of everything else going on. 

There was a guy jacking off here at work and I just couldn't believe it. Lately encounters with homeless mentally ill folks have increased everywhere in Cali. Some encounters have been violent and its disturbing when you see stuff on the news about innocent people being hurt, stabbed or killed after some unprovoked attack. I've had sooo many bad situations on public transportation, on the streets or even on my job and there really doesn't seem to be a clear solution. You see tents all over the place now and I think the city is getting tired of this as clean-up operations are on the rise. Literal sting type operations are being performed where law enforcement sweeps in on these huge encampments and tell everyone to pack up their shit and leave. I think because of the relatively warm weather people come to Cali because they can sleep on the streets without freezing even when the temperature drops. Covid really doesn't seem to be affecting the homeless population which is kinda weird unless they are mostly immune? As far as Covid goes sometimes it seems things are rolling back to how it was in early 2020 (without folks buying all the toilet paper!) I need to go stock up on lysol even though I try to remain environmentally aware when using it. Yeah I do care about the planet. I'm trying to cut back on using plastic bottles and even bags when I go get groceries yet its so hard man. 

So Covid is still fucking things up. We had to get the booster shots or they would've shown us the door. I dread to think we need even more shots. It appears the schools have kinda gone back to normal. Masks and social distancing are the new norm now though. Crime seemed to drop when all this started. Pollution too I guess. But as the reality of this gets more common or normal life folks are back to doing crazy shit again. You still can't just walk into a store to purchase a PS5 or get one online. (Often if you do find one you have to pay a high ass price for it) This is because of scalpers or bots. Its just as hard getting an Xbox Series S. As incredible as that sounds these machines are still managing to sell like hotcakes. Microsoft bought Activision the other day for like 70 billion dollars and Sony lost like 20 billion in stock. About stock I've started messing around with that but I'll talk more about it later....

 Confessions of a sad superhero book 45

I got the stupid booster shot and it actually made me kinda sickish. I woke up later that day with body aches and flu-ish symptoms. I almost called off work but I decided ultimately to come in. My supervisor called to tell me they were indeed terminating people who didn't get the booster but it was already too late as I'd gotten the shot earlier. 

One of the artists who is doing work on one of my comics had to take some time off from doing work because he came down with Covid and my therapist has been missing sessions alot since she got over her bout with "The C" In all honesty I've been dealing with alot of my issues myself these past few months and don't really think I need therapy anymore. It does help to have someone to talk to but maybe like any crutch I have simply moved beyond needing it. 

Almost ordered a backdrop today from Amazon. Figure it would be good to have one to use for when I start my videos again. Whenever that will be. Thing is it seems you need to order a stand separately. I guess a more expensive set up would come with its own stand and whatnot. Still I've not decided where to do the videos. Basically I'd just talk about vidoegames,music and other pop culture stuff. My apartment has thin walls and I have nosey ass neighbors who will probably knock on the walls to disrupt my recordings so thats why I wanna look for another location to record. Also I gotta hire a camera person. Oh speaking of hiring folks I tried to find someone to help me launch a videogame project using Craigslist and ran across a scammer who kept blowing my phone up with text messages. I had to cut him off after doing some research on others who tried to work with him. The way the world is now its crazy that we have to deal with folks who try to scam or take advantage of you. The computer hackers and bots online are bad enough but now companies are trying to spy on us or lock us into subscription services. I'm starting to really understand why some folks hate the internet and think its evil.