Got a text from my therapist yesterday. She said we can go back to weekly sessions. I'm not sure I need them anymore because I've been figuring out alot on my own but I guess it can't hurt. I'll just have to see if she does in fact CALL. (sigh) To be fair she has been thru alot since catching Covid last year. Anyhow....
Had a dream yesterday in the morning after playing Concrete Genie on my PS5. (The other day I had one after playing Gravity Rush) In the dream this beautiful brown skinned bro was being with me and I noticed he only had half a penis. Dude told me when he was a kid he had this horrific accident where a refrigerator fell on his privates. I really liked him though and was interested in staying with him in possibly developing something. He really reminds me of this cute guy I met years ago at a club or outside a club in Noho. He had recently gotten out of jail or prison. Brown-skinned and VERY muscular. He had his hair in a do-rag kind of getup. I would later see his hair was VERY long. I think he said his name was Kendall. He had this smell that was familiar. It wasn't an unpleasant scent don't get me wrong. It was cleanish but not overly perfumey like most guys smell nowadays. Its a fact that natural scents can be extremely intoxicating yet many folks cover it all up with colognes and stuff. Go figure. Kendalls scent kinda reminds me of this hot bro named Charles I once got down with but his penis was waaaaay too big. Its crazy now that I still think of that and wished that I'd let him just as I sometimes wish I'd let a dude named Ray penetrate me but dude was gigantic and came before he could even really try to enter me. This was all a looooong time ago. I have said this many times that i wish I could go back in time because there were some cool guys I really could have had something with. Really now when I think of dating its a passing thought. Why? So much to do in my life. So many things to make right or better you know? I'm not ugly but no one calls or flirts with me. Online I feel invisible next to all the images we're all constantly bombarded with. All these dudes with perfect bodies. Perfect jobs and cars. Perfect smiles. So much in the way of thirst traps. Some say the majority of these guys are going home alone. I dunno. Having those looks and muscles is certainly power even if many seem pretty bland on the inside. One would think with all the Covid mess going on folks are scared to have sex. I haven't even bothered to try and have sex with anyone for years. Masturbation helps but theres a part of me that wonders back to the time when a need for sex was mostly non-existant. Part of me wonders really wonders if this is IT and the days of me being in a real committed intimate relationship are over. I've actually thought about what it would be like to find a male prostitute. I'm being completely honest. I don't receive any type of attention from anyone. The Captain rarely if ever calls. A dude in Nigeria basically cut me off when I admitted to him I had feelings for "The Captain" even though I was willing to try and work with him on helping him move to the US. Still after looking at more of his photos I deduced maybe we are not all that compatible after all. I mean I think he's mostly sexy and all but sometimes I don't. He's kinda skinny and might have man boobs. Man boobs can be fixed so. So can my stomach thats been sticking out much more than I'm comfortable with. Thinking of going on a fast or drastically changing my diet. Honestly.
Some folks from my past (friends) have attempted to reach out to me. I feel that some of these people I have outgrown and need to let them go. I'm just trying to be careful.
The supervisor at work who got on me last week for my computer gave us coffee cards from Starbucks the other day. He can tell something is up because I don't really have anything to say to him. Guess he's now a trigger for me. Something to remind me I need to really get serious about focusing on being my own made man type individual. Working for me. Calling my own shots. Not having people younger than me or not smarter than me telling me what to do. Controlling my life. Other folks writing my checks. The writing is on the wall. Social security is NOT gonna be enough to take care of most of us yet most of us...well most didn't get the memo. Update: He later in the week brought us pizza.
Did go to the meeting. The meeting at my job about the new contract. Not gonna lie....after sitting there and having them explain everything to me and break it down and seeing how much I make every year when my taxes were done I realized something....I could finance THE FILM I REALLY WANNA MAKE. I can. Getting funding and sponsors would help but if I save more diligently I can make alot of stuff happen. If I can be patient plus avoid getting into trouble at work and fucking everything up. What with the mask mandates going away next week its likely that there will be more job opportunities out here too. Perhaps even within fields that actually give my creative muscles flexxing. So I've gotta look around more at things and really understand I am not trapped in this situation because there are other options. Even if its outside the security field. But to be totally honest I doubt if I take another gig somewhere else that I will get the same pay and benefits package I get here. Take into account I have been here for 15 years.
Might go to the doctor today for a strange breakout I have on my hands. Alos need to see if somethng can be done for pain I'm getting in my back and feet. Sometimes my legs. Need to go get my eyes checked again also not to mention the root canal thing. Seems like there's always something, doesn't it?
Seems my nephew is getting married and they sent me an invite. I haven't answered it yet. Why? Well really I need to sit down and look at it and carefully mull it over. Thing is I'm not particularly close with him and since I'm gonna be cutting down on my spending every dime spent will be after careful consideration if its outside of necessities. I was gonna go see "The Captain" but after seeing him go so much time without calling and those "thirst trap" photos he's posted on social media I think its safe to say his attention lies elsewhere. I'm not stupid but there may come a day when he regrets not paying more attention to Sergio. He graduates this year. I did so want to be there but mostly the part of me that cares is fading. Why should I invest emotional energy into someone who is emotionally unavailable? That dream I had yesterday...that feeling of someone wanting me....a warm strong brown sugar body laying next to me. I can even smell that dream guy. Who is he? Does he exist in this universe, this reality and timeframe? Sometimes I feel like he has died and his spirit lingers around at times attempting to reach me when he's built enough strength the pierce the ether for whatever reason. Is my life really a romantic tragedy then?
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