I just woke up from a dream that felt truly transformational. The same classical music I'm hearing right now on classical KUSC was playing as I flew high among trees and structures avoiding things beneath me in the water. Octopus tentacles laying in wait to grab if I got too close and I was sort of softly gliding almost having to push myself off from touching against some trees or structures. All the time I was thinking of my grandma Mary's house whilst thinking of my grandma Cora as I slowly yet in a fast way made my way to the house that belonged to my Grandma Mary. I'd played Gravity Rush on my PS5 before going to sleep much earlier than usual because I plan to attend a meeting at the job this morning. All this weekend thoughts of my job have weighed heavy on my mind since Saturday morning at work a supervisor went off on me because he caught me playing games on my laptop. It was shocking because I'd never seen dude so serious before plus the fact of it being late and quiet and absolutely nothing was going on. He came in the lobby and his eyes were fixated with blazing hate on my laptop. It was like he became another person and not the kind gentle person he usually seemed to be. He definitely was not the same person who once brought me a red bull from 7/11. He'd changed in an instant into someone else as I opened the gate with a button to let out someone who'd just gotten off from another department. It was as if I was reminded how in any moment someone can suddenly changed and then you understand all too well you never knew them and they are not your friend. You are reminded that you do not belong "there" anymore. It makes me think again of a certain officer who nearly got me fired months ago. Even with him gone the spectre of his crazy energy remains. Crazy energy of a man I'd actually fallen for. The supervisor told me he did not want to see "that" anymore. He told me I needed to put it away. I think he said he wasn't going to say anything as I hastily shut my computer down and tried to explain this wasn't affecting my job performance. I am so good at multitasking at work and it helps keep me focused. Especially games and music or reading. It helps me feel HOME yet that morning I was reminded THIS IS NOT MY HOME. Deep down inside it began to build inside me into the crescendo it is now. I think its safe to say at that moment in time it was time for me to give my notice to leave. So like I planned as my New Years Resolution I have set a date to leave. Before I said it was gonna be when my comic I'm working on with Argo Comics is done but I can do better than that. I'm tired and my spirit is tired of feeling like a little boy scared he's gonna get in trouble. I'm tired of feeling like people not smarter than me and often younger than me have control over my life. I feel like I have been a slave for too long and its time to break free. I think somehow my ancestors have reached out to me across the cosmos of all existence to touch my being because they could sense I am troubled with a decision which can change the path of my life. So when will I quit my job? I'm thinking today when I go in to the meeting I will let my higher ups know.
2:50 am.
So dude was like "Do you wanna talk about it?" I told him I was okay. Obviously I was pissed. I said "I think its something how this is such a big deal when other people do so much worse and get away with it" I mean....people scratch or take the detex bar codes we are supposed to scan. Its been happening for years and nothing is ever done about it. I went home an hour late Saturday because of a person who has been pulling this nonsense for years. He was late. We couldn't reach him. Other folks do stuff too and I'm not gonna go into it because I might be typing for a long time. But I see this stuff happening. It makes me feel some kind of way. I try my best to do my job. Even with the anxiety and the constant feeling of danger from working in that area. But just as before with another supervisor who came for me while ignoring others transgressions. Recently some higher ups have began to recognize the work and dedication of guards but still many of us feel unappreciated. Dude mentioned that others have mentioned me playing games. That made me feel like no matter how much I try to do my job I have this mark or stigma against me. Mostly that makes me feel like I gotta leave to wipe the slate clean because nothing I'm doing is working to erase whatever bias you have against me. I may not be a perfect worker but over the last 15 years I have become a pretty good security guard. I'm dependable plus I actually care about my job. I believe in what the center stands for. I really do but the reality hit me like a sack of soda cans. I have outgrown that place and its time for me to fly free from the chains. I gotta take that leap from the tree branches. In order for me to grow in character and confidence I need to be more independant and free to be as creative as I can be. The environment....maybe even this apartment and city have served their purpose and its time to move on. Seems all my life I have been following someone elses orders and afraid of getting in trouble if I step out of line and speak up about how I truly feel. I'm tired of being sub serviant (hopefully I spelled that right) I might even need to cut off dude in North Dakota for awhile regardless of how he's gonna take it because in all seriousness I'm doubting if he ever really cared for me the way I care for him. He's holding me back and I....I might be blocking my blessings by focusing on him. I send him gifts. I try to help him out with his kids sometimes but I don't know if its because he has someone else or if its just him having to crunch in school but whatever the case....as they say...."He's just not that into you" So Ima get up. Brush my teeth. Ima shower and get me some coffee and head off to that meeting and think of what I'ma say after we have worked out the details of this new contract. I NEED to let them know I will be leaving soon. Just thinking that I feel some sense of freedom. I know Ima need to cut back. Might need to say bye bye to Netflix,Hulu and Amazon....for awhile but some things are luxuries we can do without....
3:12am.
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