Confessions of a sad superhero book 44

They are making it mandatory now for us to get that booster shot for Covid. I honestly don't wanna do it but I need this job so....theres that. I have been here for awhile so the pay is decent and this company has some awesome benefits plus I'm still working on my comics and film projects so I need the steady cash flow. Also I am still leaning towards moving and putting some of my stuff in storage this year is not an option. Its a must. I said for my new years resolution I was gonna set a date for moving yet that hasn't happened as I need to be careful because I don't wanna put myself in a stressful situation. Worrying about paying bills and keeping a roof over ones head is certainly high up there in the stress department. At this point it feels like theres really no way to live a totally stress free life. I mean....here at work co-workers stress me out. People in the street around here stress me out. Last week a crazy guy jumped up yelling and acted like he wanted to fight me when all I did was open the door to go out to the 7/11 and tonight on the bus a crazy guy was standing up babbling loudly to himself and he wasn't wearing a mask.  I had to stand in line behind a person at 7/11 tonight who was taking forever because his card was getting declined then as I was heading towards the store some person who sounded like a trans man cat called me loudly from a car. Thats a thing too. People sitting in their cars watching you and sometimes they'll cruise you or shine the lights in your face to be obnoxious. Sometimes I am hard on myself for all the mental issues I have then I remember its largely from dealing with disturbed individuals thats contributed heavily toward me being this way. So yeah I do try to stay the hell away from people when I can.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 43

Well 2021 flew by and its already nearly halfway thru Jan. It feels kinda weird writing 2022 honestly. But its here and its a whole new year of changes. So much has changed since I last wrote here. The officer I was having issues with has left the company. Actually quite a few people no longer work here in different departments. Some left because of Covid related issues. Some found better jobs. Some folks went back to school. I think I may be leaving soon myself. Just trying to get some things done before I make that move. I was pretty sick myself last month. Not sure if it was Covid or not but I was in bed for like four days and lost my appetite. I had a long lasting headache along with hot and cold flashes. Also food tasted weird for a few days. My therapist told me she had Covid which was why we haven't been having regualr sessions for awhile. We have been talking via phone since Covid hit in 2020. Its so hard to believe two years have flown by. I think the world is still in some strange funk since it all began and in some ways it seems we may be going backwards due to emerging new strains. I have noticed people are weird. Weirder than usual. Standoffish. Tempermental and in some cases I know misdirected anger or frustration has been leveled my way. I myself have been feeling in some ways mentally sluggish. Like its hard to stay motivated or focused in some aspects. Creatively I have struggled to maintain momentum and videogames have been a godsend for exercising these brain cells. Romantically I feel numbed. Like I REALLY may have given up. Then again now is not the ideal time for dating I think. As funky as I feel at times at least I can look at the progress of my comic book projects. We will be done pretty soon. Also I am leaning heavily towards becoming a certified content creator on social media but this is something I wanna take my time to plan out carefully. I'm still looking for a structure for my program and I have a few ideas. It would be nice to involve some others to help but you know how it is trying to get folks motivated about anything unless money is involved. So initially (at least) it may simply be me and a camera person. Production meanwhile has stalled on the Sasquatch film however I am working on just releasing the footage we shot because I don't wanna sit on this any longer. It has been two years after all....

Confessions of a sad superhero book 42

 I had a real break-thru at work this morning. Actually I had another one yesterday too. That one had to do with Steven my DP who helped me realize I may not be able to use the current person I hired as producer because she is too much by the book and I can't afford to shoot my production without breaking any rules. It was also brought to my attention said producer was responsible for breaking some pretty big rules on the set of their own production but whatever. So anyway what I really wanted to talk about is what happened this morning at work. I'll try to keep it simple. "Bootsie" (who I had that epic falling out with last year) replied to me when I complained that playing Streetfighter on my Switch had given me a headache "This place gives me a headache" So I could see he was down and I already had alot on my mind therefore I said whats wrong now man? I think that we need to have a talk. Its something that should have happened a long time ago. He said "We can do that" Then he got in the elevator and went up to take his lunch break.

So he comes back down and I pretty much summed up everything I've felt over these last 7 or 8 months. Having to come to work and us not speaking....me almost getting fired....having to deal with the crazies outside....work-related issues....personal life problems and then the Covid thing. I told him that sometimes in life things gang up on you and that there comes a time when something has to give if you are overwhelmed. Bootsie is currently working two jobs and also doing his side hustle business thing with vending machines. He says he's always tired and not getting enough sleep or rest. Next year he's planning to move out of the country because he's tired of  how things are here (in the US?) He's also frustrated because often we are relieved late and he has to struggle with traffic in the rush to get to his second (temp) job which may or may not eventually become a permanent position. On top of that he is struggling financially and feels he is at a mid-life crisis (He probably is) plus he no longer has any real passion for singing; something he's done from an early age. As I sat there listening to him and looking at this handsome dark chocolate sad man my heart went out to him. It seemed odd he never once mentioned his lover (perhaps he doesn't think I know he has one?) not that it matters or is any of my business but if I was with someone and knew they were at such a crisis I'd be calling and visiting frequently. Anyway I told dude he needed to find a way to reconnect with his gift. I talked about my plans and things I'm working on creatively speaking, just trying to kinda inspire him before I went to take my lunch break. The more I think about it the more it makes sense why he was imitating me before he recently stopped. I guess he saw that it was working for me....staying afloat....keeping myself entertained and making the workplace more enjoyable. I suppose its possible this is something he was doing on a subconscious level? I guess it doesn't matter. He really looked like he could use a hug but from dealing with him I have learned how to be impartial. You can genuinely care for someone and want to help them but you have to be able to not become too emotionally attached. I've been down that road before. Caring too much. Being unappreciated and overlooked for whatever reason. I look at Bootsie now the same way I look at most other gay men (or whatever he really is) Unattainable. Self-absorbed. Materialistic. Immature. Emotionally unavailable. Body worshipping hot-messes who would run from the best thing even if it was right in front of them. Get married. Pray the gay away. Get a dog. Do drugs. Or come up with any excuse not to let someone in. Distractions can work for awhile yet in most cases they are only temporary fixes. Addiction to some of these things can be dangerous. I've said it before. I may be a black gay man who works within the community. Right in the thick of it actually. Ground Zero even. Yet still most of the time I feel like I am outside looking in at a cool group of kids who I am not a part of. I just don't fit in and they will probably never really accept me no matter what I do. I like me. Even if I am not the ideal body type. No college degree. No car. All my short comings, failures and victories. I think in spite of it all I have managed to do pretty well for myself. Always gonna be room for improvement and I will strive for it. Ultimately it is my belief that for much of my life I have tried to be a part of the wrong crowd anyway. Truth.

I really have no idea if Bootsie even listened really listened to anything I told him. Mostly I suspect one day 10 or so years from now the light will come on in his brain and he'll get it together. He has a powerful spirit and was given his talent for a reason. I told him he needed to take some time to get away from everything. Maybe take a medical leave or something and not to run from himself (like Janet said) People do do that at times. As he talked and I looked at him more I could see wrinkles of stress on his face. The same thing I saw looking in the mirror at myself. Other people remarked I looked tired the other night and its understandable when you are stressed constantly with things coming at you left and right and you're not getting enough rest. Then when you don't really have some sort of support group or someone right there....life can kick your ass and lead you into some dark places. I didn't ask Bootsie if he ever thought about ending his life or if he was still getting therapy. Didn't ask him if  he would ever like to have lunch one day or maybe he would be interested in coming to Disney with me if I do decide to go thru with going on my birthday. I was tempted to ask him if he'd like to break bread but my mind wanders back to months ago and what happened those times I tried to be friends with this guy and when I dared to think we could be more until I got that painful wake-up call to stay the hell away and in my lane. The funny thing is how easy it has become for me to turn my feelings on and off. It does worry me a bit sometimes I'm not gonna lie that perhaps I am picking up traits from damaged folks I should be shutting out at all costs. There are some wonderful souls out here who have let the filth from hurt nasty minded individuals dull their shiny spirits and outlook on life. Guess it does pay when you learn a constructive yet subtle manner of keeping folks at a distance especially if they're not on your level emotionally. Think its safe to say I still care about dude and hopefully our talk helped him. He seemed so resistant and had an answer to everything but at some points in the conversation I could see glimmers of hope. Just glimmers. A seed perhaps that life isn't all hopeless and bleak. Plus we can at least talk to each other now (at work only of course because I will never call or text him again. I will save that perhaps for my new African friend who is giving me his attention) and it won't feel so damn weird when he's near. Strangely enough on many occassions (I kid you not) his energy has affected some of my electrical devices when he comes around. So thats why I say he has a powerful spirit. Its anybody's guess why or if at some point in the future he will find a way to channel it to bring about some lasing positive change in this world. At the other end of the spectrum, he could become Darth Vader but let us pray that isn't the case.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 41

 Freestyle blog thingie poem thingie....

It was raining so 

I went out

thought the people would be inside

but they got the same memo because there were so many at the market

and I don't know why I spent so much money.

I don't know why I got so paranoid 

and thought 

they thought I had stolen something

even though they said the suspicious guy was wearing a grey shirt

(Maybe it was code because the security seemed to be sizing me up

and I don't know why I keep thinking that stupid alarm will beep when I walk out the store)

a lot of folks been talkin about aliens

Homeless and mentally ill are everywhere it seems

(Its pretty much an everyday thing at work now)

I can't get this "butterfly" remix by Mariah outta my head

That old covid is trying to make a comeback and they might need another lockdown

(so tired of these masks)

Stifling and maybe messing with my respiratory system.

And man who is giving the masks out at my job

because the street children ask me for them sometimes 

and I don't say no.

(Are we supposed to give them out?)

I was watching the news this morning and it made me start worrying

this year may still end up being the mess last year was.

May have to push back my filming dates

because of money

(lack thereof)

At least my comic is almost done. 

Might not be able to go to Disney for my birthday 

if these covid numbers keep going up

plus I won't be able to go see Captain Liberia

 in North Dakota.

Still hanging in there at my job

Still dealing with being around so many low frequency folks

especially you know who who was copying me

so much more than I realized.

(Why was he doing that?)

I'm glad my feelings for dude are fading

as I was really wondering how much longer could I work 

at that place

with this person who didn't seem to care at all about anyone save himself

yet the other day at work he actually showed concern and kindness to a homeless guy.

That surprised me truthfully.

So if I cancel going to Disney with my friend who I kinda think is cool and dateable

will he be disappointed?

Why on Earth did I pass up a chance to go to a gathering and possibly meet Micki Howard?

Why haven't I completely abandoned dating altogether?

Never seem to work out for me

even though I keep hearing

you're supposed to think positive and you will attract favorable results in life.

I feel like my mind has been pushed waaaay further than is healthy 

by unhealthy people who have infected my life with their shit.

Mental scars

anti-social behavior 

even if I really do enjoy people

(sometimes)

Mostly in my mind I am hanging out with and having adventures with animals

I won't get one until I feel I am ready to be a caregiver

and the irony is I might need one to be that spiritual airfreshner to turn me into

a caregiver.

None of these humans I am interested in seem interested enough to care.

Stupid dating app has so many hot-muscled masculine looking guys

but how many profiles are fake?

Feels like we're worshipping straight guys most of the time

or going after men with straight qualities

Dudes don't wanna talk on the phone because they wanna hide queeniness

Some got old photos

plus they usually seem to be far away.

So much of the time I look at these guys and I feel

what can I offer?

My body isn't like Shazam!

My bank account 

and school levels are low

plus my credit is wack.

They don't even seem to notice me

the one more pre-occupied with getting his damaged mind in better shape.

I'm a black 85% gay man who is a nerd

yet I feel I am ultimately of neither world.

Trying to get more in the state of mind to clean up

doing laundry was a breakthru

can't do no more cuz theres a coin shortage

thought my shrink was calling today

she didn't

I think I am being gradually weaned.

Wanna move

Need to put so much in storage though.

Keep dreaming vaquely

Trying not to touch myself so much

cuz I feel its drawing low frequency energy from some of those guys I think about during the act

When will I finally get serious about my diet

serious enough to cut out all meat except seafood?

I'm swimming in a sea of emotions

over my brother getting physical with my stepdad

over the sister I barely knew passing away

over so many people I left behind who used to be a part of my life

and I really wish I had a chance to go back and change 

how I shut myself off from the world for so long.

But I guess I did it to help me process the blinding flood of maturity

some clarity even.

Its true what they say about life then

you can get what you want

when you use what you got.

You can get it.

Its a tradeoff.

Confessions of a sad superhero book 40

 So here I am at work blogging again. I try to write at home but its so hard much of the time these days. I guess maybe its because I have too many distractions there or perhaps all the clutter has affected me. I have actually started doing some work on cleaning up. Its gonna take awhile though. Its gonna be a process. Meanwhile I am still working  on my comic as I inch closer to the date filming starts again on my film. Things at work are a bit less weird. Last night me and you know who actually had the first real non-work related conversation in many moons since "the incident". It was about Miki Howard. More on that later since I gotta rush off to do patrol soon. But at least he seems to have stopped copying me regarding certain things. I dunno maybe he realized it because I mentioned to someone he's pretty chummy with that someone was copying me and what would he do in such a situation. Perhaps you know who realized I was talking about him? I suppose I'll never know. I suppose it doesn't matter. In all honesty the whole incident with dude has put me off trying to express feelings to anyone for awhile. I guess it put the fear of God in me....almost losing my job and all. All because I dared to give my energy to someone undeserving. I've been doing this for much of my life. Many of these gay/bi men are clowns and have no idea what they want and they carry crazy energy around with them. Obsessed with muscles,cars, money and material things....I am just feeling increasingly that I don't really fit in their world so I'm just putting all that romatic stuff on the back burner. It causes me too many issues....some things I need to focus on recovering from while my life goes on a more positive path of growth. 

-To be continued-

Later....

Things are looking alot like we could be headed for another shutdown here in Cali. Folks are getting infected again and new strains of Covid are popping up. Here at work they started sweating us about the cards we got as proof of getting our shots. (Some people were let go because they refused to get vaccinated) I lost my card but luckily I had photos of the card and me getting my shots! I was planning to go to Disney with a friend for my birthday but now I am not so sure. If things get crazier I may end up having to push back my filming too. Also here at work we are required to wear certain types of masks. I wonder if they will bring back the weird temperature checking machines we used to have here in the building? The reason infections are growing is because of people who don't wanna follow the rules and wear masks. o they are saying its these folks who are helping with new spreadings. 

Another thing... You know who called in late tonight. Its weird. We must be on the same wavelength because I almost did the same thing. (Its become painfully obvious that we are not compatible but why would the powers that be create such a connection with us or maybe I'm overthinking it?) I am pretty certain we might be psychically connected because of too many "coincidences". I've noticed that about other people I know as well. But i will never tell them. Why would I do that? No reason to.

Even later still....

Since I am so close to finishing work on the comic its definitely time I sat down and figured out a business plan. I mean I already have the tools and the guy helping produce everything can certainly guide me because he already has like a million comics out. (I chipped in again when he had another Kickstarter campaign for a book.) Realistically speaking it might be logical for me to push back production on Sasquatch because it might be too much of a strain financially for me. (I just wish I had more faith in crowdfunding) I still plan several trips before the year is out and I gotta start putting stuff in storage sooner than later if I am to move. (Also theres just too much clutter in my place right now) Truthfully I do feel if I was not working I'd have more time to really focus on my artistic stuff. Things that really have my heart you know? Trying to be realistic because we gotta pay our bills right? I need to have more faith. Faith like i had when I up and left everything behind in NC and came to Cali back in 1993....

Much laterer....

I think my brother has abandoned me. I don't know why. His daughter was out of control and really driving me crazy when I met her (She's a hyperactive spoiled toddler who really was giving my mom and step father a hard time when I was there so maybe he sensed how unreal that whole situation seemed to me. (Joshua for the record got away with shit my mother would have sent me away for. Actually she did sorta do that because I had to attend a special school for kids with bad grades/attendance) I hated school because of some bullies who made me miserable. I'd get spat on....slapped around and even physically attacked. Yes it was 99.9% of the time other black folks. Picked on and hated because of how I spoke and just made to feel like an outsider. Comic books and videogames or drawing/writing helped keep me afloat. To this very day these things still protect me. They also instilled in me a sense of honor and morality many I see don't really possess. Things seem darker now because kids are simply being raised differently I guess. Joshua was the little brother I always wanted but I was so busy trying to find myself I in some ways lost some folks along the way. Perhaps he feels I abandoned him. We used to have cool talks but now he won't call me. No emails. No texts. Nothing. I guess like my father said somethings you just have to let go. I know dude has had issues with my sisters. One isn't even speaking to him. I just don't know what to do. I hate to keep harping on this but after what happened to me at work with Nick I realize you can invite serious trouble trying to be in someones life when they don't want you there. You can't really make someone want to give you the time of day. People do have a free will after all. I lost one sibling this year and although Joshuazilla is still alive I may need to make peace with the fact he doesn't want me in his life anymore. Its sad but sometimes (and I know this better than anyone else) family members or friends shut us out of their lives and we have to respect it. I don't really know Joshuazilla that well. Maybe if I did there would be more of a need to fight for a relationship with him and its not that I don't feel anything. Most of what I feel is anger and confusion right now.  We have literally not spoken in over a year. Actually I think its been two at least. I guess all I can do is hope oneday the light comes on and that its not something bad that brings us together. 

Confessions of a sad superhero book 39

 Every now and then I have to remind myself that I am surrounded by people who are not smarter than me and many are not happy or mentally balanced. I also have to remind myself that hurt people hurt people. I have been having weird interactions with a guy who works here for months now. I have worked with him for years and we used to be sorta cool I guess many moons ago. Months ago I think he heard the tail end of a conversation and maybe he got the wrong idea and he's been weird with me ever since. I did eventually ask him if he had a problem with me and he denied it however he doesn't speak to me unless I say something and even then theres venom in his delivery. Tonight when I walked past him and another co-worked loud laughter erupted from dude and it seemed to cut me like a knife. As if I don't already have enough shit going on I have a hostile work environment to deal with. Its getting really hard to hold on and not quit because I really need this job. My comic is almost done and I am about to go back into production on my film so I gotta keep the money flow coming in. It still weird with me and that certain security officer. Everytime I see him or think about him all that pain of betrayal just floods back in my head and I am reminded how close I came to getting fired all because I was trying to do the right thing and he deliberately put me in a dangerous position despite all the kindness I have shown him in the past. I think Covid has made folks crazy or something because alot of people seem tense or distant. Seems it all started last year when all this Covid shit happened. Maybe we are taking our misery out on each other because we don't really have any other outlets. Well I do. My art and videogames. Comic books. Etc. I even started cleaning up the other day. Moved some furniture around and it felt great. Feel like my brain is trying to heal and my spirit is trying to bounce back yet forces out here just won't let me. Its not all bad. Some days are just better than others.

Theres alot going on in the world even as my own world seems so unstable and surreal these days. Haiti's president was assassinated and shit is going down in Cuba. Biden pulled all the troops out of Afghanistan and as a result Taliban forces are regrouping. A building collapsed in Miami the other day and so far 94 people were pronounced dead. The number of people dead or missing was around 150 so yeah....crazy. Last week the police dept set off a bunch of illegal fireworks in what was supposed to be a standard op but something went wrong....there was a huge explosion that hurt some folks and a bunch of others are now displaced because their homes were damaged. My father and stepmom are still picking up the pieces after the death of my little sister Crystal. One of Captain Liberia's daughters just graduated too. Things were starting to open back up again but theres new strains popping up. Some places don't enforce masks but here at my job they are now requiring proof of vaccinations. (I thought they kept that on record somewhere?) Anyway I lost the card that I was given after my vaccination. Luckily I took a photo I'd posted on Instagram of it so that was my proof. I gotta say I am not keen on getting any more shots. Why? Well its not lost on me some of the health issues I've had seemed to start popping up after flu shots and vaccinations. So yeah I am just trying to be careful. 

Update: 7.16.2021

Somethings on my mind lately....

That time at the black gay meeting when I talked about my projects and got no support but then the African filmmaker got literally hundreds of dollars instantly when they passed around a collection....

That time when I noticed the little table in the back (that no one uses) suddenly blocked with stacks of boxes obviously to deter me yet the person who eats in the conference room with the thermostat turned all the way up (when he is not supposed to be in there) is overlooked. I was even asked to leave one morning as if I was stealing something. It does hurt when you work somewhere and you have been there a long time yet you are treated a certain kind of way.

Those times when other people told me they had issues with a certain person. 

That time someone told me someone who hurt me is "weird" (I just thought it was interesting someone else who knew the person less than me could pick up on things I overlooked for whatever reason)

That time when I realized I should have quit this job awhile ago and its time I set a date to get the hell up out of dodge as they say. 

That time I realized a certain person was trying to push my buttons perhaps to cause an argument even though I am going out of my way to keep the communication focused on work related things. 

That time I realized I have experienced less BS in my life because I am socially invisible most of the time and basically keep a low profile.

That time I realized I get good energy when focusing on some folks. (The exact opposite in some cases)

Confessions of a sad superhero book 38

 (To Jill Scott. +826 Experience)

Quite the journey PART 6. "CONCLUSION"

Alot has happened since the last time I wrote. California has opened up for one so we don't have to wear masks everywhere. Basically businesses don't have to stay closed because the Covid is under control even though theres the threat of variants. I think folks were just tired of being cooped up and it was getting pretty serious for many businesses....the ones that didn't go under already. Things are still weird at work with me and you know who. I just decided its best not to speak unless its work related. I don't trust him. There were many instances where I should have known he wasn't a safe person. I guess I let my emotions (or his pheromones) cloud my mind. Yeah he's cute and I did enjoy talking with him at times yet there comes a time when we will all have to walk away from a toxic person or environment. Some days are harder than others but its getting easier I promise you. I realize there are people in my life and other things that should be getting my attention. So that helps. Like Alicia Keys said in a recent song..."Wasted energy" Some other folks here at work are strange with me too. As if I committed the unforgivable sin. I dunno. Perhaps in their eyes I did. One thing though I have to say is that the gay community seems much less reluctant these days to forgive anyone for anything. I'm not perfect and struggle with feelings of rage and hate but over time these things tend to fade. Especially when you realize you really have so many other things to worry about. Important things that really matter. Money. Career. Family and what you will do with the time you have left here you know? You just gotta make peace with the fact not everybody is gonna like you and keep it moving. Those who love us who we neglect....well when they are gone that pain and emptiness is a very real, serious and important thing that can keep coming back to tear at your spirit over the years. I have been calling Dad regularly to check on him. Yesterday was Fathers Day so it was another excuse to phone home. I meant to send him something but he has never texted me his mailing address. (I can't believe how un-computer literate this man is) I also called my Stepdad yesterday. He did help raise me after all. Eddie is from Trinidad and has been with my mother since dinosaurs walked the earth. I have one sister, a stepsister and one brother from him. I'm cool with the sisters but my brother has seemingly abandoned me. I guess I basically did the same thing in the 20 something years I was running around here in LA trying to find myself and keeping all my family at a distance. Its a double edged sword. Distance.  

I should have called home more often. I should have been a bigger part of his life and now I barely know him. I feel like he's slipping thru my fingers and out of my life. But then again he was never really a part of my life. Dude has made some bad decisions and they say he smokes too much. One sister told him to lose her number. Still theres hope. Joshuazilla is still here. Crystal slipped right past me. Just like my cousin Montressa. My aunt Roquamae. My uncle Howard. My Grandmamas are both gone and I wish I could go back in time and just hug them one more time and tell them how much it means to me that they didn't give up on my hard headed ass. I'm not gonna lie....Crystals passing and funeral still feels surreal and foggy. It feels unreal that this perfectly cool woman with so much going for her is no longer alive. Its crazy that someone so good is gone and theres so much evilness left just walking around you know? So much about life doesn't make sense. Even after being here for 52 years so much is a mystery to me. 

Despite all the gloom I have been able to kinda bounce back to being me. I am still getting work done on my comic and today I asked Damonzilla to direct the Sasquatch project for me in August. The script meanwhile is getting formatted. I'm thinking I might just do the film as three short parts. A three part webseries maybe? Need to get a solid budget though. I might go visit "Captain Liberia" next month or later this year. Gotta focus more on making sure I am saving more money because I plan to leave my job either Dec or early 2022. So I'm gonna cut out the luxury spending. No that does not mean I am giving up Netflix. 

-To Be Continued-

(UPDATE: 6.26.2021) -To....Boom bap 90's instrumental mix-(Youtube) From Jan 26 2020.

So much of the time when I really think about it I feel a great sea of sadness...just thinking about how I have given so much of my life...my time and energy to fools...idiots. People who really didn't or don't appreciate me. People who don't for whatever reason see the good in me. People who have underestimated me...used me...people who I have put myself out there for... Theres a song by Jill Scott where she talks about bringing someone a peach cobbler and the person rejected it basically. Just recently I encountered some black people on the street and got like the most hostile exchange of energy when I attempted to greet them.  That energy stayed with me for awhile and it made me think how badly I want to leave Cali because I don't want to get to the point where I'm thinking....this is normal...folks being nasty towards each other and I should just accept it. Its not normal actually. If anything its normal wanting to move somewhere far away where people are nice and respectful of each other. When I was back in North Carolina for Crystals service it really was something seeing so many folks...black folks all in one space being supportive and I guess it reminds me of something I have been missing for a long time now. It just recently dawned on me that I have suffered some sort of PTS over the years. Dealing with shit at work. Dealing with craziness in the streets and then coming home and having to deal with petty diabolical neighbors who seem intent on turning me into a crazed maniac. Its akin to being poked with a stick over and over for years. I think my brain is trying to heal but every now and then they will do something and I think its safe to say they have figured out my triggers. The thing about triggers is...well with me sometimes it takes me awhile to bounce back from when bad stuff happens and the fight or flight response is continuous. Its not meant to last for along time yet in some cases I get stuck in fight or flight mode. The body is still secreting these chemicals that theres still a threat. So since I don't come down I'm still stuck at this state of not being able to really relax. So yeah this is one of the reasons why I hate bullies so much. Just the other day I came across a video I had to share after seeing it on Facebook. In it this sister was having these kids yell insults at a piece of paper which she crinkled up the more they hurled insults. When the kids stopped she unfolded the paper and it was all wrinkly looking. Still paper yes but definitely affected by the shit it absorbed. I wonder how many other folks out there are living everyday of their lives in a hostile environment that is hindering their ability to be really mentally healthy? How much of me is me and not simply a reaction to people who are ugly inside? I think its safe to say we all have survival techniques. Some more unique than others. 

My father said this to me a few times when I was in NC. He told me that he didn't want any of his children to feel he thought higher of Crystal than any of us. Its just that she needed more care and I completely understand that. I hope no one else made him feel otherwise. Crystal was dealing with alot so of course she would need more hands on than the rest of us. Its interesting to see people later in years expressing regret over things and then you're like..no it was never like that. I recall a cousin recently posting on Facebook that he was sorry if he in any way hurt anyone over the years. I know I have made some mistakes in life...hurt some people because I was young and stupid at one point. My cousin and I did butt heads in our youth but at some points we were very close. In fact there are plenty of good memories I have of cousins, family members and friends from back in the day. So it wasn't all bad you know? Some of those people from my past are foggy in my mind and I have to focus past the haze to regain those memories. (Why is it like that?) I find myself at times drifting way back far in my past and thinking of folks I left behind when I left NC. Some I can't see again because they have died. Some have outright shut me out of their lives. Like this one guy I met in summer school back when. Never ever did I do or say anything disrespectful to him yet one day when I managed to reach out after finding his phone number he (and his mother) told me because of what I was they couldn't associate with me. As if I had some terrible disease. Rejection is sometimes for your own good even if it might take you awhile to figure that out. Been rejected so much that it does seem like a re-occuring theme. Not saying EVERYBODY hates me (although there are moments I wonder) but theres always been a peculiar energy about California. I remember looking out the window of the Greyhound bus when I first came to LA and seeing some energy radiating from the mountains. Was kinda like heat vapors or something. Maybe that energy draws certain types of folks here and when you are not vibrating on that frequency its the reason why many of us struggle for success here even when on all accounts we should be VERY successful. I dunno. Having a good support system helps too. Could be a part of tapping into that energy? I think you tap into some of that energy when you are performing in concert or when alot of folks are following you on social media. Could be why its so addicting to folks. Its kind of like worship in a way I think. Crystal had a great support group and her parents have that too. Its powerful. It won't bring her back to life yet it its strong enough to keep the spirit of who she is/was around forever. (Perhaps literally and figuratively but alot of ya'll don't believe in ghosts. -What else could be making these elevators go up and down all night since everyone else left the building?- You believe in God, aliens, the devil and Illuminati but what-ever) 

I wish I could go back in time. I could save my sister. Stop 911. (invest in Apple) Make sure some people never fall out of touch and let everyone I never told how much I love them. Instead of wasting energy on SO MANY knuckleheads. That image of my sister in that coffin is both vague and vivid at the same time. How does that even make sense? I'm still hoping this is all some bad pro-longed dream. So much floods my mind when I let it. Seeing my father barely able to stand and being supported...trying to comfort him...helping carry the coffin...seeing all the cars...eating all that food....re-uniting with some family I have not seen in many moons...hearing Geraline cry....seeing how strong my sister Stephanie was....quiet rage at where I was seated because I couldn't really see much of what was happening at the service even though we were in the front. I touched Crystal...as she lay there looking very much NOT like the person I remember. But I remember a cute little girl with ponytails and have very little recollection of the years between when she grew more and more sickly. It was beautiful and tragic at the same time as they lowered her into the ground and all I am left with is an aching emptiness and memories. Memories of what I had and can't get back. Then it makes me think of who is still here with me in the land of the living. It makes me think what am I gonna do with the time I have left. I can either miss another 20 years with loved ones or make sure the next 20 are awesome whilst maybe making up for lost time trying to rebuild some of those bridges. Just because some of the faces or memories are foggy doesn't mean we can't make new clear stronger memories right? Even if I never move back to NC I think its important to make sure I keep those who matter most closer to my heart. No more wasted energy. People did say to me a few times about Crystal "She's not in pain anymore" I hear that over the years about others too. Crystal battled several health issues. Sometimes I feel myself getting angry that we have not been able to overcome certain illnesses in society. Diabetes. Cancer. Asthma. High blood pressure. Mental illness. Sometimes I get the idea we are eating so much fucked up shit and being exposed to so much crazy energies and radiation is the reason so many folks have these problems and maybe the powers that be let it be due to population control. I just feel like it makes no sense some of the things we are having to deal with as a society. I feel so bad because I didn't even come home to see her when she lost her leg. I didn't visit my cousin Montressa either. Was so wrapped up in my own shit. Let me tell you...when you lose enough people eventually a light comes on and you realize you need to not let anymore slip thru your hands while you still have time left. It becomes much more apparent...the BS you need to let go. Also when you leave this plane of existence what do you want to be remembered for? Hopefully not for chasing after the affections of fools and idiots. In her passing Crystal managed to teach me a valuable life lesson and her funeral really was a celebration of a life well lived and loved. Genuinely loved by many because her strength and kindness touched so many. What else could be more important? Her memory will forever light the lives of all she touched and I made the decision (back in NC) that I will do my own tribute by naming the most powerful hero in my comics universe after my little sister. A constant reminder to hold on to what matters most.