So here I am at work blogging again. I try to write at home but its so hard much of the time these days. I guess maybe its because I have too many distractions there or perhaps all the clutter has affected me. I have actually started doing some work on cleaning up. Its gonna take awhile though. Its gonna be a process. Meanwhile I am still working on my comic as I inch closer to the date filming starts again on my film. Things at work are a bit less weird. Last night me and you know who actually had the first real non-work related conversation in many moons since "the incident". It was about Miki Howard. More on that later since I gotta rush off to do patrol soon. But at least he seems to have stopped copying me regarding certain things. I dunno maybe he realized it because I mentioned to someone he's pretty chummy with that someone was copying me and what would he do in such a situation. Perhaps you know who realized I was talking about him? I suppose I'll never know. I suppose it doesn't matter. In all honesty the whole incident with dude has put me off trying to express feelings to anyone for awhile. I guess it put the fear of God in me....almost losing my job and all. All because I dared to give my energy to someone undeserving. I've been doing this for much of my life. Many of these gay/bi men are clowns and have no idea what they want and they carry crazy energy around with them. Obsessed with muscles,cars, money and material things....I am just feeling increasingly that I don't really fit in their world so I'm just putting all that romatic stuff on the back burner. It causes me too many issues....some things I need to focus on recovering from while my life goes on a more positive path of growth.
-To be continued-
Later....
Things are looking alot like we could be headed for another shutdown here in Cali. Folks are getting infected again and new strains of Covid are popping up. Here at work they started sweating us about the cards we got as proof of getting our shots. (Some people were let go because they refused to get vaccinated) I lost my card but luckily I had photos of the card and me getting my shots! I was planning to go to Disney with a friend for my birthday but now I am not so sure. If things get crazier I may end up having to push back my filming too. Also here at work we are required to wear certain types of masks. I wonder if they will bring back the weird temperature checking machines we used to have here in the building? The reason infections are growing is because of people who don't wanna follow the rules and wear masks. o they are saying its these folks who are helping with new spreadings.
Another thing... You know who called in late tonight. Its weird. We must be on the same wavelength because I almost did the same thing. (Its become painfully obvious that we are not compatible but why would the powers that be create such a connection with us or maybe I'm overthinking it?) I am pretty certain we might be psychically connected because of too many "coincidences". I've noticed that about other people I know as well. But i will never tell them. Why would I do that? No reason to.
Even later still....
Since I am so close to finishing work on the comic its definitely time I sat down and figured out a business plan. I mean I already have the tools and the guy helping produce everything can certainly guide me because he already has like a million comics out. (I chipped in again when he had another Kickstarter campaign for a book.) Realistically speaking it might be logical for me to push back production on Sasquatch because it might be too much of a strain financially for me. (I just wish I had more faith in crowdfunding) I still plan several trips before the year is out and I gotta start putting stuff in storage sooner than later if I am to move. (Also theres just too much clutter in my place right now) Truthfully I do feel if I was not working I'd have more time to really focus on my artistic stuff. Things that really have my heart you know? Trying to be realistic because we gotta pay our bills right? I need to have more faith. Faith like i had when I up and left everything behind in NC and came to Cali back in 1993....
Much laterer....
I think my brother has abandoned me. I don't know why. His daughter was out of control and really driving me crazy when I met her (She's a hyperactive spoiled toddler who really was giving my mom and step father a hard time when I was there so maybe he sensed how unreal that whole situation seemed to me. (Joshua for the record got away with shit my mother would have sent me away for. Actually she did sorta do that because I had to attend a special school for kids with bad grades/attendance) I hated school because of some bullies who made me miserable. I'd get spat on....slapped around and even physically attacked. Yes it was 99.9% of the time other black folks. Picked on and hated because of how I spoke and just made to feel like an outsider. Comic books and videogames or drawing/writing helped keep me afloat. To this very day these things still protect me. They also instilled in me a sense of honor and morality many I see don't really possess. Things seem darker now because kids are simply being raised differently I guess. Joshua was the little brother I always wanted but I was so busy trying to find myself I in some ways lost some folks along the way. Perhaps he feels I abandoned him. We used to have cool talks but now he won't call me. No emails. No texts. Nothing. I guess like my father said somethings you just have to let go. I know dude has had issues with my sisters. One isn't even speaking to him. I just don't know what to do. I hate to keep harping on this but after what happened to me at work with Nick I realize you can invite serious trouble trying to be in someones life when they don't want you there. You can't really make someone want to give you the time of day. People do have a free will after all. I lost one sibling this year and although Joshuazilla is still alive I may need to make peace with the fact he doesn't want me in his life anymore. Its sad but sometimes (and I know this better than anyone else) family members or friends shut us out of their lives and we have to respect it. I don't really know Joshuazilla that well. Maybe if I did there would be more of a need to fight for a relationship with him and its not that I don't feel anything. Most of what I feel is anger and confusion right now. We have literally not spoken in over a year. Actually I think its been two at least. I guess all I can do is hope oneday the light comes on and that its not something bad that brings us together.
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